It's Really Not That Bad, I Promise!

It has recently been brought to my attention that it sounds like every time I post anything, it's always negative, so my life must be miserable and in need of fixing. I think this highly over-generalizes, and misses all of the funny, sarcastic things I post on Facebook. But to some extend there is a point. And so I feel the need to clarify that really things aren't as bad as they seem (online).

Here's the reality of my life. I go to work, I spend the day there, and I come home and hang out there too. Sometimes I do things with people during evenings and weekends, and sometimes I don't. The reality of my life is that nothing extraordinarily positive is happening in my life right now. That doesn't mean that I'm not generally happy or that there's nothing good in my life. I go to concerts I love. I see interesting movies, I read, I spend time with the people I care about, I have general fun. But nothing really new or overly special. I haven't gotten a new, exciting job. I don't have an interesting hobby that I'm becoming successful with. I don't have some exciting relationship that's new and invigorating.  So, there's nothing particularly positive or exciting for me to write about online.

But there are things that do stress me out. Add on top of that, I'm a natural worrier and over thinker. Once you add the last layer of under sharing, negative things tend to come out bigger than they are. So let me explain how it goes. When I get stressed about something, the best thing to relieve that stress is action. If I worry about the state of my teeth, I finally break down and go to the dentist. And now that's great and one less worry. But unfortunately not everything can be actionable. And when it isn't, it sits in my head. If you know my head, you know that I an a nonstop thinker. I can't help it. I have a lot of brains and a lot of time to myself to think over things. But when all I can do is think about something, and not act on it, I over think. And this continued loop of thinking can make the stress more than it really is, or should be.

But on top of that, I am not very open. I've probably said (or more likely written) this before. I trust my own council the most, and find it difficult to be open and vulnerable with others. I attribute this to a few different things. First, I know that ultimately very few if any people will ever really understand me. I sometimes have trouble understanding myself. So, if they can't understand me, other people's council is only so useful, but ultimately as the one who knows me best, I have to be the one who decides what's best for me. And the more someone shows their lack of understanding of me, the harder it is for me to value or sometimes even listen to their advice.

Second, there is some arrogance with my intelligence. Being smarter than most people I encounter, I do sometimes question people's advice. Or maybe this is just an excuse I use to undervalue opinions. But third, I really have this whole problem (I've also probably mentioned before) with perfectionism. I've built this reputation of being reliable and steady, so not appearing to have everything together or to be able to weather whatever or just laugh things off is hard for me.

I so want to be more vulnerable with people. Being open is something I really crave and I've been working on. But it's not easy going. While I feel I've been more open than before and that I am making progress, it's not clear sailing. I think part of the reason why things seem so bad is because of this fight to be more open and vulnerable. I am trying, but being an introvert it's hard for me to say a lot of this stuff out loud, except maybe some of it to very specific people. So, it's easier write down, either in a short Facebook post or a long blog. The Facebook posts about annoying people are mostly just venting (and usually trying to be funny too).  It's probably only 1-2 people actually pissing me off (while the vast majority of my coworkers are amazing and I love being around them). It just so happens that 1-2 people can be really overwhelming given the right circumstances.

As for the blog posts, I get that this blog has morphed into some kind of sad, mopey, woe-is-me kind of vent fest. For me it's great because I've been able to get things off my chest and feel better about them. Instead of just letting it vaguely fester inside and built up, I can release it into well thought words and get it out. My ultimate goal is to say more of these things to actual people, but this is a step in the right direction. Of course, to other people who are probably used to my seemingly well put together self, this could understandably seem like a lot of misery. But the truth is I've always been pretty emotional and I've always carried around melancholy or stress. The difference being I would just repress.  Honestly, while it hasn't really been all sunshine and rainbows, I've been pretty decently more fine for awhile than I had previously.

Here's the thing - I've been wrestling for awhile with what I want to do with my life. I still don't really know, but I do know I want to write a book. I'm almost half way there (I think) and I've really enjoyed being able to just focus on living and writing, instead of having to plan out a future. Maybe this is my future, but I haven't been brave enough or crazy enough to say it until now. And maybe it won't be, but I can at least some day soon check "write a novel" off my bucket list.

And I've always felt this weight on my shoulders that I had to live up to something impressive that I still can't figure out, and that not being impressive yet is a big disappointment. So when people tell me I am not living up to my potential, I take it really personally. And when people tell me what I want to do based on my interests isn't good enough for me, or I'm too smart for that, it really pisses me off. Because I don't think it's fair that I should feel pressured to make so much money or do some kind of a job just because I'm good at it. Newsflash, I am good at a lot of things. I just want to find something that I enjoy, and let that be enough. And let me bring all of the intelligence and skill I have to whatever that thing may be, and let that be okay.

So, right now my life isn't that spectacular. I'd like to think I am in a "rebuilding year" - I've been learning about sports ball and using metaphors, yay!  I think I may be on to something about myself, but I have to let myself get there. And I have to be okay with not being amazing right now, and be okay with not knowing what I want past finishing a novel in the next couple of months, one that I may never even let anyone read. And yes, there are a couple things stressing me out at present that may be causing me to wallow, thus making me appeared more miserable than I actually am. Thing 1 is basically just the unknown at this point what my career will look like a few months from now. I know I can't really act much right this moment, but decisions will need to be made eventually, only I have to wait for the impending time to come. So that weighs on the mind a bit - not to mention provides lots to speculate about, and boy does my mind love to speculate from every angle! And Thing 2 is admittedly complicated and more confusing as I leave it unresolved, but knowing myself I'll just eventually get over it if it doesn't resolve itself without me doing anything.

It's just the more the stressers in my life are unanswerable questions, the more my mind dwells and wallows, meaning the more I have to release somehow, without really being good at that. So I just ask people to bear with me, through all the melodramatic blog posts, and the getting a little to heated at happy hours. It's admittedly difficult for me, and what I really need are people unwilling to just let me be quiet, who instead force it out of me even if I get cranky, because I've learned that comfortable isn't always good for you.

Things I'll Never Say ... But Wish I Could

Inevitably I spend a lot of time thinking. It's a curse, I swear! And I've been thinking a lot about what I say, or more accurately, what I don't say.

I'd have to say that the thing that annoys me most about myself, above all the tens of thousands of things to choose from, is how little I actually share. I mean, there is so much about me and so many things that run through my head that I could talk for days on end.

But I don't. And I don't even really know why. Okay maybe I do. I have this barrier or filter that goes up every time I have the opportunity to talk about something remotely important. I can carry a perfectly good conversation about pop culture or things that don't really matter. But the personal, important stuff gets trapped in my head.

Granted sometimes it's automatic. I'm not the kind of person that just throws around facts about myself into everyday conversation. I won't talk about the weather and then mention something my brother said. But more than that, I will actively hold things back, even when I don't have to, or even when offered the opportunity to open up.

Take this week as an example. It was a rough week. I even got caught sitting in a cubicle crying. It's not that I don't cry - I'm a rather prolific crier at times really. It's just that I don't like to let other people see me cry. It's personal. And worse, people always want to know what's wrong! And I wanted to just let the words pour out. They pounded in my head, perched on the tip of my tongue. I wanted to say a thousand things, some totally inappropriate, and things that could have just ruined everything, but just ache going on said.

But I punted. I said only the most obvious, most vague, and least important things. And then comes evasion and misdirection. I'm very good at changing the subject or injecting humor into a situation if it means I can avoid opening up. And I do it so often it's almost effortless.

I almost wish people would just force me to open up. I say almost because that comfortable part of me wants to keep coasting, keeping things inside. But it's not like it would be that hard. I'm not an open book, but I'm not a crazy password protected,  encrypted whatever either. I'm more of an intimidating, heavy closed book that's actually got a lot of great content once someone puts in the effort to open me. (I'm not sure if that's really profound or starting to sound dirty.)

Of course I can write these things down. Writing it helps because I can pretend  no one would read this anyway. Or maybe I don't even need to pretend!  And the reader can pretend because I won't ask. See the pattern.

I don't really know what to do at this point. It's always the hardest when there's so much building under the surface. Maybe this will be the time when I just lay all the cards on the table and gamble big that the one I spill to will actually care and listen. Or maybe time will pass and the urge to talk will quiet itself again. My money's on time.