3ish Weeks Post Car Accident: A Perspective

Hey! It’s been awhile! Much longer than I thought, in fact! One of these days I’m going to start blogging again as a fun leisure activity, and not as a “I’ve got too much on my mind now and it’s going to explode if I don’t write one time randomly in a several month period” kind of thing. But I’m not there yet.

I’ve been meaning to blog about my recent car accident for several days now, but haven’t gotten around to it. Mostly I was waiting until resolution because I didn’t want to write openly about it as things were still getting handled. But also I was actually mostly fine with everything so I didn’t feel the urgency to write … until now.

At the scene of the accident and in the couple days following I kept expecting to have that freak out moment where it all just hits me and I collapse in an overwhelming sense of panic, which was somehow being held back during the immediacy of the situation. And then that didn’t seem to happen, until today, except not in the way I expect. Ooohh…foreshadowing.

So let’s rewind. It was a warm Saturday at the start of November. It was almost/sorta/just at noon time and my mother and I were ready for lunch. We decided on Suzie Burger, so I charted out a route to get there from our current location on Broadway. As I was going through an intersection, all of a sudden a car comes out of nowhere and runs the red light right in front of me! 3ish weeks out I chuckle at the irony that I chose that specific street because I specifically wanted to take a numbered street with stoplights because it’s inherently safer than dealing with intersections with stop signs.

There was this moment when my brain realized an accident was going to occur and knew there was literally nothing I could do to avoid it. So I had this split second of prepared “well this is happening” before it happened. Like, I had to let this happen now and then once it’s done I can assess the damage. The force of the impact sent my car turning 90 degrees into the road the other car was on, and sent the other car turning 180 degrees. While my knowledge of psychics is limited to what I remember from high school and college, I’m pretty sure the other car was going much faster for the momentum to throw us in those directions.

After impact my first reaction was to get my car out of the road. To safety!! But when I tried my car wouldn’t accelerate. That may have had something to do with the lovely crumple of my front end. The next thought was if I couldn’t move out of the road I should turn off the car. I think exploding from whatever damage was preventing the car from moving would be way more serious than someone else coming down the road and not seeing my car stopped there. My mom commented later how she could tell I don’t have children because at no point did I throw my arm out over her seat to protect her. Oops.

The next thought was to ascertain my aforementioned passenger was okay (she was!) and then to feel if I was ok. I remember think how badly my boobs hurt from the sudden stop, but I cannot remember at what point I realized my ankle hurt or my arm was burnt from the airbag deployment. Those realizations came sometime between this moment and me later sitting on the curb. Mostly I wanted to make sure nothing felt broken in my neck or back, and it didn’t.

Then came the “let’s take in the car damage” part of the moment. That’s when I became fully aware the airbags had deployed and that my car was quite crumply, plus my window was cracked. That was also when I realized my glasses had flown off my face into the wreckage abyss. I saw my prescription sunglasses in the overhead sunglasses spot that had flown open, so I put those babies on to look around. I have this reoccurring anxiety around what if my glasses get broken like it’s going to be the worst thing to happen ever, so I looked around frantically at my feet and the damage thinking they were utterly ruined. Instead, they very kindly folded themselves up and landed in the cup holder next to me. They just get me.

Luckily for us there was a witness nearby who came over to help and provide a statement. I’m pretty sure I didn’t exit the car until police arrived because I was just so panicked that I was physically shaking. But I got out of the car and hobbled to sit on the curb because my ankle hurt.

It was at this moment of sitting on the curb that I first wondered to myself when I was going to just melt down from the fright of it all. Because while I felt hella shaky and anxious, I felt collected and more focused on what I need to do now that the accident had happened. I made sure to talk to the police and give them my info, and make sure the other info was getting taken since I was injured and not leaving the curb. The fire guys came over to take my vitals and mentioned how low my heart rate was considering I had just been in a car accident.

I would like to interrupt this narrative to mention that every time I say or type that I was in a car accident I think of that scene in Hot Fuzz where Simon Pegg calls it a “collision” because “accident implies there is nobody to blame.” I did try a few times to say I was in a car “collision” but it sounded way too pretentious, so I stopped.

Anyway, once I gave all the info on the scene and had to wait for the tow truck, I took the waiting time to make a list of the things I had to do next. I pulled out my AAA card to figure out what do to, and since it said if in a collision to “immediately” call, I called still sitting on the side of the road. The lady asked me some questions and when we got to “when did this happen” and I said not long ago, I’m still on the side of the road, the lady insisted I should hang up and call back when I was done. Except I was waiting for the tow truck and I didn’t know how long that would take (the cops joked about how long it takes), I said I was fine and calmly gave my info. The AAA lady also commented on how calmly I provided the info seeing as I was still at the scene, and that other people often call freaking out. I'm sensing a pattern…

Between the wait time on the side of the road and my drive in the tow truck I formulated a list of people who had to be contacted and plans that had to be updated. I had to message immediately to cancel that evening’s plans because I could not hobble on my (later determined only sprained) ankle through a haunted house. And I had to call my beautician to cancel my next day hair appointment because I had no idea if 24 hours later I would be able to sit comfortably for 2.5 hours while getting my hair done. And that was the right call b/c my ankle hurt so bad with me just sitting around Saturday evening and Sunday. I also had to text my work group text so everyone knew I’d be working from home some days because (1) I no longer had a working car and (2) I’d need medical attention of some kind. I also made note that on Monday I had to inform my team I was tentative for performing on Wednesday because again, ankle, and I had to will myself to be at least mobile by Tuesday because I refused to cancel those plans. And then of course when I found out Wednesday’s show was being recorded I also had to will myself to be show ready by Wednesday because dang it I wasn’t going to let some dumb sprained ankle get in my way!

The day of and the days following my accident I never hit that freak out moment. Instead of being overwhelmed with the fright of it all, I was overwhelmed with something else – a sincere sense of gratitude and respect for all the people I had interacted with because of the accident. From the witness and bystander who came up right at the beginning, to the police and fire personnel called to the scene, to the super helpful tow truck driver who found a AAA affiliated place to take my car, to the car place who took my car so close to closing on a Saturday, to all the AAA people who called me or emailed me to make sure everything got moving through the process, to the nice x-ray tech who did my first ever “are my bones broken?” x-rays, to the Hertz rental car people, to the nice people who sold me my new car, and to all the wonderful family and friends who were concerns and offered help, I felt so much heartfelt gratitude and kindness for everyone. And many of these people do these things for jobs every day, and help so many people just by going about their normal lives. Sometimes we spend so much time getting riled up over the politicians and celebrities and nonsense outlier b.s. people that we forget it’s really the everyday people just out and about in our lives and our cities that really make up the world.

3ish weeks out I still feel all that. And I am thankful that I will take those feeling away from this, and hoping not much else. Especially not the increased anxiety I feel while driving, b/c drivers in my city are IDIOTS!! But today I felt something else that finally triggered that anticipated, though oddly different, freak out. I never once felt scared that I could have been seriously injured or almost died. I’m dealing just fine with driving even if it’s a little scarier. What’s really getting to me is the sheer amount of mental energy dealing with the aftermath of the accident! I was already in a place of figuring out how I feel about my normal day to day work, needs and hobbies from working through my anxiety. But now I just feel overwhelmed with what seems an unending list of car accident related to dos!

It all started the Monday (2 days) after the accident. I took the info from the police, the car place, and AAA, and made v1 of my “Car Accident To Do List” because there are SOOOO many things. I had to figure out what to do with my busted car, figure out the temporary rental car, eventually get a new car, make sure I really wasn’t injured that badly, and all of this had to at some times go through the insurance. And it felt like every time I checked something off the list (call this person, see that person, send that info) I had to add 2-3 more things to the list at least. I eventually rewrote the list on my dry erase board so I could remove items as I did them, or otherwise I would be overwhelmed by the sheer number for tasks! I swear it’s somewhere in the 30s by now because there’s rental cars to return, and police reports to get, and info to give to get the replacement money for the car, and documents to sign and send, and deductibles to get reimbursed, and 2 people to send the police report to, which took over two weeks to even be available. And evidently keys to mail b/c I don’t own my busted car anymore! I’ve still got 5 items to finish (knocked out 3 today b/c it helped calm me down after freaking out!) b/c some things depend on other things, so those items just sit there and stare at me, reminding me it’s been 3+ weeks of constantly thinking about all the thing I have to do, and I didn’t even do anything to bring this about!!

This is the time where I take a break and say how thankful I am for how low maintenance this actually was. My car took so much damage to that my mom and I didn’t have to! I walked away with a sprained ankle and an arm burn from the airbag, and nothing else with any lasting impact. And my mom was just sore, so thank goodness for that! And it wasn’t my fault, so that made everything so much easier, especially as I mentioned everyone has been super awesome and helpful! It just sucks that even in best case scenario land, it’s still been really hard. Of course, I can only imagine how it was for the other driver, and I just hope for nothing but the best case scenario for her too! I'm relatively fine and I don't want some mistake on her part to be so hard for her to come back from too.

And of course it’s always stupid shit that precipitates that moment of overwhelmed crying – not all the busy work stress or the worrying about putting the right amount of effort into important life things to make them go, but some dumb ass stupid nonsense stuff. So I found myself feeling panicked and in tears because I just feel so overwhelmed right now. Even though I know have less to do than I've already done, I still just want my headspace back. All this car accident nonsense (admit it, you thought “collision” just now) is distracting me from being proactive at work, it’s taking up lots of free time when I’d rather be doing other things, it’s making me too tired to write anything – funny or serious – and it’s just generally tiring me out so I can’t be as open, and cheerful and focused as I to want be, and I need the mental energy for that thing that’s taking up the 2^nd largest chunk of brain space. It’s like, I don’t want to miss out on my actual life stuff because I have to make room for all this car accident stuff, but making the space for it in my life right now is wearing me out.

So that’s where I am right now. Ooh, I also forget to mention how I kind of get a weird pleasure of people’s reactions to showing them pictures of my crumpled car. Now that it's clear everything is fine, it’s actually really cool to see all those car parts all smashed up. I forget how bad it looks in my excitement to share the pictures! I will NOT post them here, so let me know (if you read this far in  my blog) if you want to see the pictures!! That assumes you're not one of the bajillion people I've already shown them to.

Anything Less Than 12 is a Rip Off

As I am driving home after 10 p.m. I decided that when I get home, instead of going to bed like I should be, I am instead going to blog about music. Why you may ask? Because the last couple days have been less than stellar, and both writing and music make me feel better. So there you go.

Some people have already suffered through two past blog posts about some of my favorite songs, so I thought "how can I mix it up this time?" And as I drove home it hit me. Let's talk about albums, since I was listening to an artist that has one album in particular that just slays with every track.

Deciding on albums worth writing about was interesting. The thing about an album is it really has to be more than a sum of its parts to be worthy of being an awesome album. One amazing song cannot save an otherwise just okay (or worse, shitty) album. And in this day where we can access individual songs, we're no longer stuck with buying crap albums for that one good song.

Now, I don't already have a playlist of my "favorite albums", not like my top 200 favorite song playlist that currently needs an update. Or like how I have a formalized mental list of my top 6 favorite bands. Really, my "fav" albums at this point is just my scrolling through my iTunes going "oooh, yeah, I love that one," or "that one really reminds me of that thing and oh the feels." So I am just going to jump in wherever.

Disclaimer - I admit to NOT having any kind of normal taste in music, which I really like about myself. You've been warned.

Secrets - Everything That Got Us Here (2015)

I figured I would start with the album in the aforementioned car ride home. I am going to say that this album is just solid and awesome. It doesn't hurt that when I first really listened to it I was in a really rough place, and so many of the songs resonated with me. Surprisingly, it starts with a fun a capella intro that makes this Glee loving nerd very happy. I feel like half the songs I just absolutely freaking love, and even those that I'm not head over heels for are super solid.

I really like the lyrics of Left Behind and the use of metaphor. Plus, I like the mix of clean and unclean vocals, well here and all over the album pretty much.

I absolutely love Half Alive. Such a great song. Plus I was listening to this while I was writing my book, and I really liked the song being about your passion leaving you half alive and how sometimes things you really want to do can also being really draining and emotionally hard.

"Tear open my chest to dig around and tell me why I’m such a mess

I got a fear that my heart got up and left" 

Granted I am not a man, but I love this song, particularly the imagery of the above lyric. Plus, I was definitely in a place where I felt I had plateaued in my life, even when I wanted to do other things. Now I am glad I don't feel that way, but it was nice at the time to have music to relate to.

Usually I am NOT a fan of albums that end in a slow song, mostly because if an album does end in a slow song, the album has already been on a lame energy decline. Ending with a slow song is how I have many albums where I don't know the last 2-3 songs because they are total skip bait. NOT this song though. It's about a 50/50 chance when listening that I'll either belt this out at the top of my voice or I'll break down into uncontrollable tears. I don't really personally relate to the verses, but for sure the chorus hits me in some vulnerable places.

Set It Off - Duality

Let's do something peppier!! Why do I love this album? Well, first I think this is where Set It Off really came into their own, embracing more of the pop/peppy sounds without losing that darker edge. I think Duality really fits the kind of vibe this band has. Plus it's a vibe I relate to. I love how this album has a mix of up beat positivity songs, some "wait, that's kinda messed up" songs, and some more mustache twirling sinister (but fun!) stuff.

This song is my jam! I may be a little to old to be Forever Stuck in Our Youth but I do love jamming out to this song on the highway, and of course singing along at full volume too.

I relate so much to this song! Many people my not get that, but those that know will be "oh yeah, that makes total sense."

I really like this song because it's really high energy, uses nursery rhymes, and is not very nice. Plus, I really like the dichotomy of the attitude in the bridge portion of how it goes from much sweeter to much nastier, before going back to the chorus. (I swear there are some really sweet, wholesome songs on this album, which I like but I guess don't match the mood to share here. If you want to hear then, you now have homework.)

(What's the Story) Morning Glory? - Oasis

I bought both this album and The Colour and the Shape by the Foo Fighters in the same trip to SoCal. I happen to like this album as a whole better. I bought these when I was a senior in high school and felt really f'ing cool at the time, especially since I was mostly into boy bands at the time. Granted these albums were only 5-7 years old when I bought them, but for some reason at the time it felt cool and retro. 17 year olds are lame.

Continuum - John Mayer

Boy was I really into John Mayer. And even though I don't like his music since the late 2000s, it doesn't mean I wouldn't date him if he was into it.

I'm not always the fan of slow songs (you have to work harder to make it not boring), but Gravity is seriously so beautiful and sad and amazing.

What You Don't See - The Story So Far

With 11 songs and clocking in at just under 30 minutes, there may be room for being a little cranky at the smaller size of this album. (If you don't get the title yet, I think an album with less than 12 songs if a rip off, which is based purely on an arbitrary number determined by me in my prime cd buying days). There's something very elegant about this collection of songs (mostly) under 3 minutes - so much song goodness condensed into neat packages. Also, this band got its name from a song by my favorite band, and they are from Walnut Creek, where I've been before.

Empty Space is by far my favorite song on this album. I like to listen to it 2-3 times in a row, sometimes listening to the vocals, sometimes slipping into the background to listen to the different layers of the instruments.

Let's Talk Fav Albums from my Fav Bands!

Since it's after midnight, let's rapid fire some stuff!

New Found Glory is my favorite band, but I don't really consider any of their albums in my fav albums lists. I think it's just that I find all of their music solid - like not a lot jumps out at me as "OMG this is so freaking good I have to listen to it 100 times in a row" but nothing either strikes me as "meh" or "ick". Just lots of solid contributions. And maybe there's just too many to pick one - but if I had to it would be Catalyst because that's just a sick album.

Motion City Soundtrack is my 2nd fav band, and I could possibly throw some albums in a favs list.

• I Am the Movie is super solid, and as my first delve into MCS, I have mad love for this album. The Future Freaks Me Out is my fav songs of all the songs in existence. Modern Chemistry was my go to angsty college song when only music could express how I felt when my mouth couldn't.

• Commit This to Memory is also very solid, although there are a couple songs in there that kinda bring the album down for me. But since Let's Get Fucked Up and Die is the 3rd most listened to song on my iTunes, it gives some credit to this album. Plus the 1st three songs set a great tone. I heard someone on YouTube describe MCS as really dark, which yeah maybe, but like in a sometimes melancholy, sometimes super peppy nerd kinda way. 

• My Dinosaur Life is also a huge love of mine. Seriously, MCS would probably be my first favorite band if (1) I hadn't discovered NFG first, (2) MCS hadn't broken up first, and (3) I didn't aspire to be a person with a more NFG vibe even if I often live more of a MCS vibe. But hey, let's listen to a peppy song with surprisingly sad lyrics - and a V Mars name drop! And then another song with a title I don't what to call (@!#?@!) that's about the Legend of Zelda!

All Time Low is my 3rd favorite band. I think Dirty Work is my fav album by them. So it made me really sad reading an article where they said that's their album they like the least. Booooo.

I feel like Fall Out Boy suffers from the same fate for me as NFG, as in I don't think I can really name one of their albums I love as an album. Rather, I just freakin' love them as a band and they have so many amazing songs. I do have to give a special shout out to American Beauty/American Psycho for being the album that put FOB back on my fav bands lists. They got kicked off the list when they broke up, and while I liked Save Rock and Roll, I didn't like it enough for an immediate placement back on the list.

Legitimately, if I had to name a favorite album, I would probably say A Shipwreck in the Sand by Silverstein. Why you may ask? Obviously, the album is full of amazing music. On top of that, there are some elements that really pull it together cohesively as an album instead of just a collection of songs. I like the story woven across the songs. There are even a couple interludes to break up the album that only suck in that they are so beautiful and so short. And then the album ends in an epic 7+ minute masterpiece that ebbs and flows beautifully. Plus I always related to the chorus, whether or not factually true.

And I knew you could never love me

I had so much sorrow inside

You could never reach

But can I still keep a place in your heart

Coheed and Cambria have some solid albums. I think In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3 is one of my fav albums. So many great songs, if you don't mind 2/3 of the songs clocking in at 5+ minutes each. But I also need to give a shout out to the Afterman Ascension album for being so amazing. I haven't owned it long enough to say for sure if it will be a fav, but it's really good. And iTunes has a dual album with Afterman Descension and a bunch of live songs for less than a full priced album - sometimes it pays to fall years behind on a band and then catch up.

Let's Talk EPs

They are like mini-albums, so less songs to mess up a vibe with!

• Ed Sheeran has this old Loose Change thing that is only 5 songs, but so good! I may listen to these two songs back-to-back over and over and over again.

• The Front Bottoms Rose EP is probably my fav collection of The Front Bottoms songs (although I love all of their stuff!)

• Issues' Black Diamond EP blew my mind for the magical mix of music that band could do. Honestly, although I like all of their music, everything after this EP has just failed to live up to how much I love the songs on this EP.

Now Some College Throwbacks

Because even if I don't love them enough now, at one time I did.

• Trainwreck by Boys Night Out. I am a huge fan of concept albums. This album tells the story of a dude with night terrors who accident kills his wife in his sleep, is difficulty coping including cutting of his own hands, and his decay into insanity and whatnot. Plus it's really cool that all the song titles are single word "-ing" names.
• The Silence in Black and White by Hawthorne Heights. There was one particular semester where I listened to this album ALL THE TIME! I was pretty moody at the time. Also, it's this band's fault that I for years thought it really was Ohio that is for lovers. It wasn't until the 2018 season of The Bachelorette that I learned it was Virginia that's for lovers. But hey, shout out to my peeps from Ohio - it can be for lovers too.

• MmHmm by Relient K. So much fun peppiness! I love pop punk bands so hard. And I don't know how many times I've felt the truth of Who I Am Hates Who I've Been. Continual self improvement, am I right?

So maybe I could go on, but it's almost 1 a.m. I'm tired, you're probably tired if you got this far. So I bid you adieu. And I feel better now, so that's nice.

A Self Divided

There's always been a part of that is a little jealous of simple people. And I don't mean intellectually, but like people whose personalities are very straightforward, easily discernable on the surface, and consistently predicable. I have always been a social chameleon. I adjust my behavior to match that of the social situation to better adapt. It's not that anything I say or do is ever fake, it's just that I've never 100% me 100% of the time. As a complex, layered person, I never find all of the pieces fit into most of the situations I find myself in. I only have a small group of family and close friends that get to see multiple pieces of me in a small period of time, or at all. And it's not like I don't want to be open with more people, or that not being 100% at certain times says anything negative about the people, it's just takes the right circumstances and lots of time to get there.

I don't know it's I've mentioned this before (or 100 times before), but in my youth I used to make every new group of friends think they corrupted me because I am always quiet and shy when meeting new people, so disinclined to reveal the more provocative aspects of my humor. I love all sorts of humor - bad puns, dry, witty, dirty, morbid, macabre - so there's plenty to work with in any situation, but with some stuff you gotta know (or not be afraid of) your audience.

At earlier points in my life, while I've had different social circles that I ran with, they mostly happen sequentially, not simultaneously. I was a different flavor of self with my High School friends, versus my sorority friends, versus my law school classmates, versus my coworkers. By the time a new group came along, the people in the older either (1) became close like family to transcend the group self that I was, or (2) fell out of touch with enough to not be involved in my day to day, if at all. And while I still may experience "revertigo" and transition into a former version of self when seeing some people, that's rare enough to not worry my universal identity.

These days I find myself in this weird state where I simultaneously run in different social circles and it creates some discomfort about who I am. I find I am most comfortable with myself in my work setting. Maybe it's because I've been there longer than I've been pretty much anywhere in the last 20 years. But I think a lot of it comes from work is where I've developed most of my skills and confidence. Multiple times I've pointed to areas for improvement and goals, and then worked on them to tangible results. Not only do I perform tasks and analysis very well, my soft skills are ballin'! But most often there's a veil of secrecy around personal life stuff to some extent because you have to be professional. And as someone who is already naturally slow to open up, I find professionalism a great excuse to wall of certain topics or aspects of my personality. Like many people I work with know I do improv, but only a few have made it out to a show, and I usually don't feel comfortable sharing topics of scenes that I might do. The emotional intelligence is strong with this one.

I find playing Pokemon Go and interacting with that social group almost an antidote to my work persona. Not only does playing PoGo help with mental health and getting active, but I find myself allowed to turn things off that stress me out. I walk a middle path - I'm not one of the top players that everyone knows and I'm not a casual noob - and that feels great! While I love the work I do and I appreciate the trust and respect people see in me by trusting that I know answers to things, it is nice to do something where that person is someone very specifically NOT me. It's nice that the conversations stick pretty much to Pokemon. When the conversation strays, I find myself being vague and definitely downplaying things I do outside PoGo. One of the people I play with often had a similar job title in the same industry as me, so I purposefully failed to explain the vast differences in the work we actually do, or that I was promoted out of that job title 6 months ago. I'm afraid standing out too much will distract from the freedom of playing a fun game.

I've noticed something recently that's being to bother me, which occurs more often as I socialize with people around comedy stuff. I cannot easy explain my job. When someone asks me what I do, I struggle with where to start because not matter where I start it's not full enough of a picture. Well, actually a lot of times I start with "I'm technically a lawyer and I have a law license but I don't practice." Yes, I passed the bar. Yes, I keep up a license just in case I may need it one day, for personal or professional reasons. But no, I don't do law for a career, although the training I received from law school is a big asset, even sometimes with the most random of tasks. But otherwise, do I start with saying "I do Change Management"? Because I didn't know what that was until I started at my company. Or do I mention the industry? Because people make assumptions about what work the entails or asks questions about very different departments that I know nothing about because there's a LOT going on! Or do I start with that I work on a technology team and we deal with a lot of automation? But that comes with other assumptions that are wrong without context, and since I do the training and other stuff around the tech, I feel obliged to give more information. And no matter where I start, I go through all 3 pieces, and I am pretty sure I've lost people at that point anyway. I don't have a job with an easy label that I can rattle off in 10 seconds or less.

But the funny part is, I kind of like that. If I confuse people and they cannot understand exactly what I do, then I can veil my work persona. I don't have to be the person that answers all the questions and does all the things. I'm not pestered with statements like "is there anything you can't do", because although this may sound like whining perfect for tiny violin playing, it's not really a compliment. It's a lot of pressure, and not everyone I've met in my life has been happy to have me around. Plus, it's one thing to already be a neurotic perfectionist, but when you know other people notice, it can put pressure on that's not maintainable if you cannot learn your boundaries. Yay for boundaries. But then again I worry that I do myself and others a disservice for downplaying myself. And outside of my PoGo crew, it's hard for people not to catch on that I'm smart. I guess I'm still trying to find the balance with not trying to take up space that I don't deserve with putting different things out there because I have a different life experience.

Another interesting occurrence is with confidence. I'm not the kind of person that is confident all the time. I am very specifically confident in things I've proven myself skilled with and have consistent, tangible evidence to point to that I've earned the confidence I have. So it feels very weird to transition in the same week or even in the same day within spaces where I go from forward and confident, to reserved and unsure. Of course it doesn't help that I've been working through some serious anxiety issues. And sometimes the feelings might spill over. On a good day I may tell myself that I've proven with other skills I can get better and do really well if I work hard and dedicate myself, so you go girl and get it! But on bad day I may tell myself that if I'm still sucking at something, maybe I actually suck at other things and should be worried. Imposter syndrome is real!!

My hope is that a year from now, five years from now, or however long from now that I read this again, if ever, I will look back at this and think how adorably silly I was. And at this time I will have it all figured out and will have a nice list of accomplishments and fun memories to smile on. And I'll be so proud of myself for self improving, and I'll probably be working on other skills I don't have - like writing or romance or raising small humans or ruling the world - who knows?!

Let's Avoid That "No, But..." Kinda Life

I could start this blog in a couple different places, but it's best to start at the beginning. I went to Oregon in October to visit my family. We took a walk through Eugene as a way to do something while getting some exercise. We visited a used bookstore. If you know anything about me, then you know I cannot resist a bookstore! And you would also know I'm the type of person who cannot spend any decent amount of time in a store without buying something if at least out of obligation for occupying time and space in their store.  Call it guilt or call it courtesy, but I definitely bought a book in that store! It also seems that this is not a trait shared by any of the 3 family members who were also in the book store.

I came across this book: Improvisation for the Spirit. What kind of book would be better for me than that? I love books that mesh together things I love, like the philosophy and pop culture books I read. I like improv and self-improvement, so yay!

Not to mention, I am lately really in the need to boost my spirit. Now I know different people have different ideas of what that may mean, but I think we can all agree that sometimes things in life are rough and the sap away our ability to feel joy or engage fully with the things that give us meaning. It's sometimes too easy to get overwhelmed with anxiety over everything ever. So while I am working on things through proper channels and proper means, I thought reading this book now will really help with what I am working on. Plus, each chapter is meant to be worked on one at a time, so I can read other things while still reading this book and practicing things.

Each chapter ends with a mediation or practice to help with the lesson of each chapter. Chapter 1 is about spontaneity and has a journaling prompt at the end. So, I've decided to blog the journal prompt because I don't really journal outside of this blog. Plus, I've been told professionally how relaxed and excited I look when talking about writing, so it's good for my mental health. :^)

Here we go!

What does "spontaneity" mean to you? Of course before I answered this question I had to Google the definition because I'm like that. I often look up words when I read, whether it's a word I don't know or I am just curious if I have the right definition. Anyway, to me spontaneity means doing  something in the moment without stepping back to analyze what to do.

Does it scare you? Absolutely! I've taken enough personality tests and spent enough time in my own head to know that I'd sooner overthink than be spontaneous. I like weighing options and being mindful about what to do. Even when I do something seemingly on a whim, like chop off all my hair, I've actually been thinking about it for more than a while, only I just don't tell people. I don't see what's wrong with taking time to think over something.

Do you believe that being spontaneous could hurt you or be potentially damaging in some way? I think this really just depends. Like if you're being spontaneous in a quit your job, sell your house, move across the globe kind of way, then yes I do believe it can hurt you and be potentially damaging. Spontaneity on big life choices can be terribly bad! (Not that that stops me from idly fantasizing about eloping with someone I've barely known just b/c I'm over being single. But that's idle daydreaming). I think on smaller stuff being spontaneous can be pretty innocuous, like going out instead of going home, or buying that thing you didn't go shopping for. As long as you don't make a habit of irresponsibility, than it's not really damaging in the abstract, or in the small stuff. And as long as it's not crime. Never spontaneously do crime - that'll damage the crap out of you!

Would being more spontaneous in certain areas of your life help? There have definitely been times in my life I wish I'd ask to tag along to things more. Or wish I'd spoken up more about my input or interests. I don't know if that means having more spontaneity, but definitely sometimes I would wait for an invitation or the "right moment" instead of just doing a thing because I wanted to do a thing at that moment. I think it would definitely help in my dating life - just putting myself out there and talking to someone instead of worrying so much about having the right thing to say or worrying that they wouldn't be interested anyway, so why bother.

Choose an area of your life where you would like to become more spontaneous and inspired. Why do you think you do not act spontaneously in this area? I would probably have to say my social life, both friends wise and romantically. I think I don't act spontaneous in this area because I've always been shy and introverted. Plus, I've always suffered self-esteem issues, so I get anxious about opening up to people. I'm a complex person, and I worry people won't like me or understand me. I've also always been uncomfortable opening up about myself. I think I'm such a good listener because it's easier for me to let other people share about themselves so I don't have to. :^) Plus, I also think it takes awhile to really get to know someone, so I don't want to rush to quickly into becoming good friends w/ someone (or romantically interested in someone) and then find out we're not really compatible and then feel bad for putting in effort that then needs to be backed out. I'd rather gather data on the outskirts first.

What are you afraid will happen if you are spontaneous? I am afraid I will say things that make people not like me, either by saying something stupid, awkward, or too smart that others feel stupid. Or maybe I'll just come off weird or uninteresting, or both at the same time. And it's not like I overly orchestrate everything I say and do. Sometimes it's a simple "do I sound bad in any sort of way" filter. Or it's just me being alone in a corner or silently letting others talk. There's just too much that goes on in my head that if I'm too spontaneous, who knows what will come out!! And like I know that generally people like me, and I probably make people think I don't like them because I'm too quiet or don't engage as much because mostly I may just be scared.

As you go about doing things in this area of your life for the next few days, notice how often you are acting spontaneously. Ever? Are you just doing the same, safe thing each time? Ummmm, I don't think I can answer this yet. I did go out last weekend when I did not plan to. And I had fun. I also stood around a lot and felt awkward, but I also know this will be the case less and less as I get more comfortable spending time with people.


Where do you stand as far as living a spontaneous life? I stand very far away from that shit, let me tell you. I do improv regularly now, but it took me 3 years of thinking about doing it before I actually signed up. No amount of arguing skills is going to convince anyone 3 years is short enough for a spontaneous time period. This is probably why I NEED to practice more spontaneity. I'm a big fan of the golden mean, so living between two extremes, and in this area I find myself too close to the extreme of over thinking to the point of doing not enough.

What was it about this book that attracted your attention? Well, I was in the comedy section of that used bookstore in Oregon looking for improv books, so I found what I was looking for, only more so because what I need now in life is to be more present and to add wonder and awe back to my life. I need to stop feeling weighted down by all the worry of the world and just be happy again. So I think was attracted me was that something I felt I needed was wrapped in a shell of something I love and already have dipped a toe into, so I bought it. I probably would have bought the book without the guilt of leaving without a purchase, but that helped too. Plus, there's no sales tax in Oregon, so I like to shop there!