As a generally future focused person, the ringing of the new year has my brain itching to think about what the new year could bring. And when thoughts rattle around my brain too much without much action, my fingers itch to write some of it out. Each new year there's always a point where the glitter of the holiday season and new possibilities fades into the coldness of winter reality. Usually that comes around February for me. This year it came around January 2nd.
I feel it premature to really think about what I want to change for the year since the world has to survive the winter first, and my willingness to take action on things really depends on people and things outside of my control. But I figure I won't be able to stop thinking about things until I articulate them, so hopefully I can get things out now and then leave them here until it's time to come back to them.
In a year from now I want to look back over a years worth of work and changes to feel like I cannot believe how different things are after just one year. I dread looking about a year from now at everything being substantially the same. Here's what I am looking at for the year.
Career wise, I have hit the point where something must change. I put in a few years working my way towards a role I really wanted. But once I got there, I just felt tired. I wanted to feel excited. All the hard work was not about achieving a goal and getting somewhere just to be "well, I got here. Good for me. The end." It was about getting to a role I was excited and skilled at so I could do the work I want to do and keep doing more of it. Objectively I love the work I do. If anything, I don't get to do enough of it - I am hungry for more.
I feel like the employee relationship is like any other relationship in your life and can have many different dynamics. It's like I am here with all these great things to offer, and there is definitely an appreciation for that and a desire to have me around doing that work. But sometimes you have to admit it's just not the right time. Maybe other things have to get in order first before all of my talents and drive for career growth can be utilized. And maybe I will still be around when that happens. Or maybe they will need to find someone else as great as me once they are ready. I don't know. All I do know is I am ready for growth I don't feel like I am getting right now.
The hard part is realistically the best option right now is to wait to make any changes. With the pandemic really bad right now, it doesn't make sense to do anything new. I am beyond grateful for how well my job has handled everything with the pandemic and employees adjusting to working from home indefinitely. And while I wait out the scariness of the world, it's very possible that new opportunities will be ready. I don't know. I just have to be ready for whatever the future brings and not be afraid to stretch my wings.
Next, let's talk extracurricular activities. Or should that be "extracareercular"? Hahahaha! A huge silver lining and coping mechanism for me last year was being able to contribute to the Sacramento Comedy Spot's online streaming content. About 4 years ago signing up for an improv class was something I did because my life needed a change and it changed in this huge, positive way. Most of the growth I saw since then was due to the comedy activities and community, so I would fight tooth and nail to save it. Whatever happens this year, I will roll with it. I want to stay involved and connected to my friends. I think it's one of the few things I can actually do stuff about now and also can adjust to as the year progresses.
Another thing I keep thinking about is my book. I asked my BFF recently if I should keep telling myself I will do something about it even though I have put it off ridiculously long, or if I should just admit to myself it will never happen. They encouraged me not to give up and that not doing it probably means something. The reality is I haven't had the emotional capacity or the mental focus. There have been so many things taking up space in my brain this last year. Add to that the stress of everything made my capacity for juggle things smaller, and I just cannot take on as many things at once as I could before. I do hope that I am seeing a lightening of the load and a healing from things that will give me more capacity soon. And since I cannot focus on other things right now, this would be a good project to come back to. I do worry about if something good does happen, do I have the time and emotional energy to take that on. And do I want to write anything else? I have ideas and I do love it, but I haven't been able bring myself to start something new.
***This is where I took a break and there was an attempted coup, so I really didn't feel like continuing this for days.***
***And then it turns out I didn't have then energy then or for another nine days. You know, times are tough right now.***
The final area where I would like to see some change in my life is in the romance department. I am really hoping 2021 is my year! I don't know if I am picking up on vibes that it's time, or just more willing than ever to put in the energy. For this section I went and reread THIS POST to make sure I wasn't restating any of the same points.
As I was thinking about what I have had rattling around my head, I thought about where do I start. And as much as I wanted to start with "the pandemic put such a wrench in my plans", anything I could say about these several months need context from before that. Not a lot of context, mind you. But the highlights.
I can very freely admit I suck at flirting and signals and all that get things started stuff - I blame being too smart. But a few years ago I found myself in a situation where I was determined to figure it all out and put myself out there with an effort I've never done before. I did research, I overcame the nerves in my head, I tried news things. And it was going great. I felt relaxed and confident. Things seemed to be heading in the right direction. But they weren't, and it blindsided me horribly. It didn't help that at the time other things were really rough too. I was really hurt. And what was worse, I learned to doubt everything I knew about all that. Like, if I was that wrong, I can't trust I know what's going on. I feel like I've sat at the starting line forever waiting for the gun to go off, and finally when I think "any moment now", I realize I'm not even at the racetrack.
I definitely hit the point where I gave up. Like, if I could get so hurt without anything going anywhere, I didn't want to try anything else. I didn't trust myself to get it right. I didn't want to get to know anyone else. I didn't want to care enough ever again to be vulnerable and risk the pain. I felt like there were just too many barriers that I didn't understand and couldn't overcome, and I just didn't want to try anymore.
Of course I hit a point where I thought, ok, maybe I might want to meet someone. And maybe I could care. Maybe. I think a combination of high standards and high anxiety had me taking teeny, tiny baby steps and keeping every very close to the chest. Coming out the other side a couple years later, I see now the only way was through. I had to unlearn some bad experiences and learn some new ones. And even though I think back on times I was way too in my head, or got way more nervous than I should have been, or how I felt like I was all over the place at times, I am really proud of myself.
Right before the pandemic caused shutdown to happen, I was ready to go out and cultivate new opportunities! Before that, I was always of the mind that if I met someone organically that was great, but I wasn't really interested in "dating" as an activity. I have interests and activities of my own that I dedicate my time to, I don't need to add "dating" to that. Plus, like I said, I suck at all that stuff, so I really wasn't before looking to put a lot of time and energy into something I was bad at. Boo. But I feel like the circles of "guys who are worth my time" and "guys who would want to date me" are both very small, so the Venn diagram of guys I could end up dating is probably minuscule, assuming the circles overlap at all. So, you know, options have to be cultivated.
And then the shutdown happened. I tried to NOT see this as a sign from the Universe that yeah, actually, I was meant to be alone forever. Of course, the cause and effect parts of the pandemic were underway far before anything I had done. The timing is just a coincidence. Right? RIGHT????? Luckily, I've had plenty of time to think and to hopefully learn some lessons for the future! Yay! Learning!
In one of my shows a couple weeks ago I joked about how my New Years resolution was to learn how to flirt. While it was funny, I don't think that's really true because (1) I refuse to make a New Years resolution this year and possibly ever again, and (2) that's not quite accurate enough of a statement. I think that I have the skills needed, and I have been at times accused of flirting when I've just been being polite. More accurately, I need to learn to apply those skills at the right time. A friend of mine recommended to me some dating advice channels on YouTube. And frankly a lot of people's advice to me feels very much like it's for the normies. I don't want my use of the term "normie" to sound condescending, but like I actually feel that way about it, so...
I feel like so much of dating advice plays on a lot of heteronormative gender stereotypes. The advice often doesn't feel like it fits my experiences or needs, and doesn't really describe a lot of people that I know. I did however, on my own through YouTube's algorithm, find a dating coach's channel who has advise that resonates with me. The guy's name is Anthony Recenello and I really like his approach. First off, I really like that he says he wants women to feel empowered to show interest and make the first move because everyone should be express what they want and get it. His approach isn't about gimmicks to flirt or meet people, but about being present in the moment and genuinely connecting with people. When you listen to someone and find things you have in common, you can vibe off that and build on it.
Personally, I feel I naturally really engage with people in the moment whenever I talk to other people. I think that's why I have been accused of flirting in the past - I engage to connect with people during most moments, even very brief ones like checking out at the grocery store. I've had really serious conversations at parties because I am sincerely interesting in checking in with someone on something important, and they feel comfortable opening up to me. The problem is, when I am interested in someone for romantic purposes, it's like a switch in my brain gets flipped to make me so nervous and so in my head that I cannot just do what I naturally do all the time!!
I have been trying to nail down what causes this. I think it's a lot of different things. I tend to overthink things in general, I get nervous when I want people to like me (even platonically, for the few super cool people I come across), I'm too smart so I am missing romance skills, etc. I think a lot of it too has to do with self-esteem issues, especially when it comes to my looks. I do this really stupid, ridiculous mental thing where objectively I know a vast majority of single men aren't good enough for me (i.e. they don't have the intelligence I need to hang with mine, not emotionally intelligent enough, not the right set of traits, etc.), but as soon as I meet someone that I think is good enough for me, I tell myself I am not good enough for them. Because clearly if a man has all these great qualities that I would date them, they could clearly get any woman and why would they choose me over so many options? Granted, not all of those options are good, even if they are really hot. But still, that's a hard thought to fight.
And I have gotten myself fully to the place where I can say with confidence that even with being unattractive, my internal qualities are so badass and wonderful that they more than make up for looks and make me an excellent choice as a girlfriend. I am sort of in the middle of the process of accepting that I can look good and be desired for my outsides too. During these pandemic times I've learned a rather apropos lesson: If I can be my genuine, open self with all my sides, thoughts, traits and what have you shared feeling, without letting my head get in the way, people that I think are high quality and I think highly of do the same for me. So, if I can do that with friendships, I can take it a step further - I just have to be comfortably myself and add a bit of explicitly expressing interest. Obviously, the hard part is taking theoretical ideas and turning them into a reality, but it's a step in the right direction.
Right now, there's only so much I can do because the pandemic numbers are bad and I am not doing anything to risk anything. But one day there will be mass vaccinations and things to do. I'll figure out a game plan by then, or wing it. There are definitely possibilities that I am hopeful for and some unsure of. All I know is that things did NOT turn out the way I would have predicted over the last 10ish month, and it has definitely given me some perspective and insight over how I want my life to change once there's time for that. And I don't expect EVERYTHING to change this year. Just something, for the better.
