2022 Is Almost Over. That's Probably for the Best

I have not written in my blog for many months. I've had the writing bug several times but not really sure what the focus should be. So I decided I needed to write about something as a way to wrap up 2022. I had a few different ideas, and since none felt more right than the others, I figured I'd put it all together in a 2022 wrap up. And yes, I know that there are still a couple weeks left of 2022, but since I am on my work sabbatical now, I figured I have the time. Plus, with my Disneyland trip and then Christmas, I don't know when else I'll have the time and energy, and other than that I don't expect anything of note to happen anyway. If I have some really exciting Disneyland stuff to share, social media with pictures is much more fitting!

So, sit back, relax, and try to enjoy this somewhat slapped together, who knows where it's going to go, menagerie of randomness that is this end of year blog post. (NOTE: I am impressed at the Google spell check's ability to determine I was trying to spell "menagerie" by the horrible jumble of letters I typed.)

Entertainment

(I found the blog image is always the first pic or video that is used in the blog. So I'm putting this here even if not 100% in the right spot. 😄)

The Playstation end of year wrap up came out yesterday. Again for the 3rd year I am both impressed and somewhat embarrassed by my stats. But I like video games, so whatever. And I also had Covid, so one of those weeks I really beefed up my average because I was stuck in my room for over a week.

My top five games doesn't really surprise me. Mostly. I am not surprised that Dead by Daylight was my top game, but I am impressed that it jumped up to #1 since I only started playing it this year in early September. I had it for awhile and decided I wanted to see if I would take to it. Clearly I have. I may be a little worried just how well I've taken to the Killer role, but I am also a pretty good survivor. Either way I get a kick out of the things I get away with playing against real people on the internet. I think being observant of human behaviors has come in handy when playing this game.

Horizon Forbidden West makes sense as my #2 because it's a very large game that I played through 3 entire times. I wish I had played through on the easiest difficulty and bought all the weapons and gear BEFORE my hardest difficulty run through, since the gear would have come in handy. But I lived and I learned. I am kind of surprised Minecraft was #3 because I stopped playing it for awhile, some because of burn out and some because the big update from earlier in the year made my world WAYYYYY too slow. But then I started over on my PS5 and that got some play. #4 makes sense because it's two games in one, and I played them both because I couldn't get the platinum trophy without playing both. And I guess Planet Coaster makes sense only because I cannot think of any other game I played that took longer than that. I am a little surprised that Control didn't make the top 5 because I played all of that, including the DLC. I guess it took longer to build rollercoasters, which makes sense because there is a good portion of time waiting to earn money to do something else, and instead moving janitors around to clean up the trash.

Turns out my last platinum was earned in August. I had this big bold plan to play through all of the shorter games in my backlog. I got through 3. And then Dead by Daylight happened. I don't have that Platinum yet because one of the easy trophies for the base game was glitched and I only just got it earlier this week. And then one of the other 6 trophies I needed for the Platinum became glitched with a release from earlier this month. But I'll get there. I do have 155 of the other DBD trophies, so I've been busy.

(And yes, I did disappear from writing this blog for 30ish minutes to look up DBD memes. I won't share any here because I doubt anyone reading my blog would get them, assuming anyone would even read this. I laughed hysterically.)

So, I don't have Spotify because I'm old, so I still buy my music through iTunes. Besides, I listen to a lot of not hella rich and popular artists, so I want to give them more money. Artists make a very minuscule amount per play. So I don't get an app generated wrap up for that. However, since music is my favorite thing and I do silly things with my collection, I can make my own wrap up of music. Besides, I have in the past written about albums I've been listening to, so I can kind of combine those two concepts.

(I like this meme because it reminds me both of my music listening habits AND how I park.)

When I buy new music I have a process. I have a playlist folder of all incoming new music. Each new album gets its own playlist, and then I usually have one for misc. one off songs I buy. I then listen to the songs in a playlist at least 20 times so I become familiar with the music. Once I've listened to the playlist enough, the songs go into a sorting playlist in the new music folder. After that playlist gets long enough (from my laziness, not from necessity) I then sort those songs into my existing playlists, if those songs apply. I have like 10-15 playlists with different themes (moods, types of songs, whatever) so I like to make sure I integrate new music so I don't ever have to redo the entire playlist. I am explaining this because it explains why some of these albums have been in my collection for awhile before I've listened to them. I have like 15 albums in my new music backlog, and artists that I love more end up getting listened to faster. Or if something hits or doesn't hit based on where I'm at in life, some albums get listened to sooner or later. Although I'd like to think they get listened to exactly when I needed them.

The first album I listened to a lot in 2022 was You're Welcome by A Day to Remember. I purchased the album in March 2021, but didn't start listening to it until like April 2022.

(I love this meme so much! 😂)

This YouTube channel I've checked out a few times (The Punk Rock MBA) included this album on a list of albums by well liked bands where people didn't like one particular album. He described it as an album any band could have made, and not really special music with that ADTR flare. I get that. But if an artist who makes their own music has something else mixed in, their experiences and talents made that music. So I wouldn't get this album with these ideas from someone else. And when played on random with the entire catalog, I think the songs fit in. I guess I just like to allow artists to have some range (as long as the music is still good). For me, Common Courtesy is my favorite ADTR album because I like the mix of heavy and pop sounds with the songs on that album. Plus I think their artistry in song writing keeps getting better, and I think technically the song writing is really solid there compared to some older stuff. For me Bad Vibration leans too heavy into the harder sounds and feels darker and emotionally heavier. I think You're Welcome leans at times too much into the pop sound and isn't as heavy with the metalcore. Not that any of that is good or bad, just noticing what albums are like at the ends of the metalcore/pop spectrum, and that for me Common Courtesy is in the sweet spot in the middle. Now for some of my fav You're Welcome songs!

I find Mindreader very fun. And despite my people skills, I cannot actually read minds, so I enjoy the concept of not being a mind reader.

I also enjoy the song Bloodsucker. I can relate to someone bleeding you dry, emotionally. Plus, before Twilight I loved vampires! And then I switched to enjoying zombie content, which proved not ruinable yet by the same b.s. that make Twlight suck.

I would say that is album only has 2 songs that are truly in the metalcore vein of ADTR's music. There are some emotionally heavier songs, like those discussed above, but musically is still in a lighter vein. I love the song Resentment, but I am pretty sure I've written about that song before because the single came out much earlier than the album, so much so I was surprised the song was also included on the album. 

The second is the song above, Last Chance to Dance (Bad Friend). I remember thinking there really should be more songs about friend issues, and then within days I happened upon this song waiting in my new music processing folder. I chalk it up to my music collection and I being psychically connected, so it knows what to play for me when. Sometimes my iPod plays things for me that is clear it's being a jerk, but that's still a link. I do think the very end of this song is a little much. Like I get he's mad, but I've never been THAT mad to think something like that. I did realize though that ADTR's angry music in general tends to capture how I feel when I get angry. I love this music video. I think it's adorable, funny, and sad all at the same time. The grim reaper just wants to make friends!! I own a Last Chance to Dance t-shirt. In early July I had a very illuminating and heavy/hard/rough conversation with my therapist that left me so angry. Like so angry I woke up angry every day for like 2 months. Sometimes later in July I got an ad for this t-shirt, and let anger and pettiness win. But now I won't wear it, mostly because I feel bad, but also because I don't even like the design and the fabric is stiff and uncomfortable. I think that's only fair.

I like the rest of the album but like a number of albums I have, the back half is less appealing to me as the front, which usually means the play count for the front half gets higher than the back half. I do think it's funny there is the Fuck You Money song and the Only Money song. Like the messaging to me is money isn't worth missing people and memories, but if I got a fuck ton of money I'd go off! 😂😂 Like obviously people can have multiple feelings about things, I just get a giggle from it.

The second album I listened a lot to in 2022 was Elsewhere by Set It Off. The band's earlier albums were more heavy sounding, but I like the more pop sound they moved to for the last 4 albums. It feels way more their style than the earlier music. Through all of the music though they kept a sense of theatricality that I love. Lots of energy, sass, silliness and feeling. I love them a lot. I think Duality is still my fav Set It Off album, but both Elsewhere and Midnight before it are super solid and close contenders. I bought this album in January 2022 and started listening to it I think June (maybe May), so it didn't sit for that long. 

Overall I love the color scheme for the album art and the music videos. So many vibrant colors!! I feel that too even with the music - the lyrics, music and singing feel colorful. While I feel like Skeleton is a solid start to the album, Projector gives some really great energy as the 2nd track. I also really love the lyrics, both because I relate to them and also because I think they are very cleverly written with a lot of great imagery.

I love Why Do I so much. It's actually sad concept why, but the song is a poppy fun jam! It definitely gives me early 90s vibes musically. (I have been drinking apple wine while writing and jamming, so it's dance break time!! It's also 11:27pm.) I also appreciate when a super peppy music video decides to creep me the f out at the end. That's so Dayna.

Dangerous is super fun! Set It Off has a great knack for writing some bangers that feel fun, empowering, sassy, that I want to listen to while I have the windows in my car down driving around town.

My favorite song from this album is easily Cordial. I love the energy with this song. It starts out with some strong strings (I love some good strings). I can definitely groove with the song, and the energy and sass builds. I particularly love the sassy, sarcastic "yeahs" in the chorus. By the 2nd chorus the energy hits harder and it's time get groovy and sassy again. And I'm a fan of the ripping guitar rifts b/t chorus 2 and 3. This is one of those songs I have such a fun groove on by the end that I have to hit repeat multiple times.

In late June/early July I started listening to Red (Taylor's Version) by Taylor Swift. I bought it in November of 2021, but I must admit Red is probably my least favorite Taylor Swift album. I mean, least favorite among a bunch of really great albums by a wonderful artist - something had to bottom the list. When I got the Fearless rerecording I loved that so much, having never listened to most of those songs. I didn't take to the entire album of Red like that. But I started getting into it more during my trip to Oregon in the early summer. My mom drove and let me listen to music the entire ride, so I laid back in my seat and listen to all Taylor Swift. As the Red songs came on, I got into several more than I had before. Listening to this album too it really hit me that Taylor Swift experienced a lot of emotional abuse. Some of her other music has views and behaviors of hers and her lovers' that are problematic for relationships, but there was a lot of stuff in this album in particular that really struck me. I've said it before - Jake Gyllenhaal seems to exhibit a lot of classic avoidant attachment behaviors - running off at conflict, expressing superiority - and it seems like they were stuck in that avoidant-anxious cycle that happens when these two types get together. Luckily for me I am mostly a secure attachers, but that mild avoidant streak keeps me from wasting time on other avoidant attachers when they act up. Some problematic behaviors that seem almost casually sung about are making fun of her dreams, being condescending about having better taste. Seems like a lot of controlling and maybe even some gas lighting behavior. Obviously this is just her side and she even tattles on her own bad behavior. But it is so sad to hear these kind of detrimental things sung about, and I wonder if people out there who relate to these lyrics truly understand what that means for their experiences.

I know 5 of the songs from this album from the radio, so I won't include those. I think for the most part the songs I know sound the same as the other version. For some reason I think Everything Has Changed sounds the most different, and I don't like this version as much. I sounds similar enough, but I almost feels like it drags, where the original flows so much more for me. I don't know if it's the music or if it just didn't catch the mood in the same way. 

Now that I am writing this, I realize that The Moment I Knew is the only non-vault song from Red that I have on my favorites list. I got me right at the start with the strings! I'm a sucker for the strings! This song makes me so sad! Taylor is such an amazing story teller.

I Bet You Think About Me is my favorite from this album! It's so fun, sad, sassy, catchy - Darn you Taylor Swift for getting me to like your country songs. While I cannot relate to this situation specifically, I do get what it's like to be someone from a poorer background feeling out of place amongst people from better childhoods. It's interesting listening to conversations with law school classmates and coworkers who had lawyers and doctors as parents, while I was used to one parent who worked their butt off because the other jumped from low paying job to low paying job because of attitude problems. I like to think I have a lot of wonderful talents and traits that make me someone with spending time with, no matter who you are or where you came from. And I would be hard to forget. As for the music video, I love the concept! Plus I am a sucker for all the fabulous red dresses!! If it's two things that I feature in my wardrobe - it's the color red and dresses. Granted, over 50% of my wardrobe is black. But red and pink are the prominent colors. And I can't stop buying cute dresses!!! I think I'm just making up for all those years that society made me feel to fat to feel comfortable wearing dresses. But now I don't care because I'm adorable and have a fun sense of fashion!

I find Forever Winter an interesting song because it makes the favorites list even though it has issues for me.  I think what puts me off with it is that I love the verses much more than the chorus. Generally with songs you want to chorus to be the part of the song that grabs people because it's the repeated part and like the "theme" of the song, while the verses explain the theme. It's not that I dislike the chorus or bridge (they have grown more on me with multiple listens), it's just that I absolutely love the verses so much that I wish there was more them and less of the rest of the song.

The final album I listened to a lot in 2022 was Midnights by Taylor Swift - yes another T Swift album!! This one I started to listen to immediately upon purchase. I was irritated that I bought the album and then learned that there was an extended addition. That's on me and not being prepared. But I bought the additional songs because I have to have them!! It's definitely a different vibe from listening to Red in the earlier part of the year, and I do love this album as a whole. (Reputation is probably still my favorite - say what you want!) Everyone is really into Anti-Hero. I like that song, but it doesn't make my favorites list. But often my favorites are not the majority, and I like it that way. Everyone can like what they want and I support that. When I listen to this song I appreciate her being introspective, but also from listening to Red this year I want to be all "you we mistreated a lot, so don't take on more than you should just because others made you feel that way!!" And also, there's a line about covert narcissism - she's probably not an actual narcissist, but fake altruism is probably more in line with classic narcissism. I recently watched a psychology YouTube video that says covert narcissists tend to lack the grandiose behavior and charm of a classic narcissist, and covert narcissists are actually sullen, moody, negative, tend to blame other people and play the victim. They are covert because they are not likable like a classic narcissist. I just thought that was interesting. I enjoy learning about psychology recreationally, and then sharing it with people.

Midnight Rain is by far my favorite on this album. No joke I've listened to this song over 80 times in two months. Short, fabulous songs are dangerous for my play counts. I don't know if I can put into words what draws me to it so much. I love the imagery of the story and an actual rainy midnight that is created with a combo of the lyrics and music. It's beautiful and sad and fluid.

I don't know where Vigilante Shit came from, but it's genius! The beat is so sick and the concept is badass. 

Bejeweled is so fun! And since there have been multiple things this year that felt like it dulled my shine, it's fun to listen to and feel like "hell yeah, I still sparkle". There are so many glittery things in the music video!!! I'm a sucker for glittery things!!

According to the internet, the theory is that Would've, Could've, Should've is about John Mayer. I like the vulnerability and rawness of the song. I feel like over and over again I am drawn to songs that want to crawl inside and tear me apart from the inside. 

And now as I am done writing this section, I'll go back and listen to Midnight Rain 5 more times.

Gratitude

Back in 2018/2019, I don't fully remember, I experimented with going back to church for a few months. I consider myself spiritual but not religious, and I have a deep respect for people of any faith that embraces a sincere practice of their faith, but also a healthy criticism for people who use their faith to persecute and control others. It's a balance with very weighty thoughts on each side. Anyway, I went back to church temporarily because I needed to be reminded that not everyone who goes to church is a conservative bigot who hates minorities and preaches hate. During that brief time I read about Saint Francis and his thoughts on gratitude that I have carried with me since then. He practiced gratitude during hard times, and said that you don't get happy things and then feel gratitude towards them, but rather you should practice gratitude and then like happiness will come. We can always practice gratitude and find things to be grateful for whatever is happening, we just have to do it. It's not meant to downplay to hard ships in life and be toxically positive or anything, but really about the practice of finding joy and beauty in things by practicing gratitude and being able to use that to work through or overcome life's hardship. Idk, I could be paraphrasing or misinterpreting or whatever. Mainly I just like the idea that gratitude leads happiness, instead of I have to have happy things happen to me before I can practice gratitude.

At some point during law school when I started my big self awareness journey I realized I got it in my head that I was required to appear to have my shit together at all time. I was an achiever. I worked hard and was talented and achieved, and all that had to be done with an air of keeping calm and put together. I wasn't allowed to struggle. I wasn't allowed to share that things were tough. I was impressive so I had to keep anything that would shatter that illusion to myself. When things were hard and I struggled with anything - school, relationships, mental health - I kept that to myself. I would bury it and let it out in alone spaces. If needed, I would self isolate and then come out into the world again when I had gotten myself together. I couldn't be a burden on others with my stuff because I had enough to be grateful for, I didn't need to be anything less than together. But that's not the truth. I do struggle with things. I do have issues and need support. So I've worked for many years since then to be more open and vulnerable. With this work I've learned that people relate to that, people want to be supportive, and people appreciate the condor. Not everyone is going to obviously. And people that want to hate you are going to use your struggles as a way to put you down or make themselves feel superior. But those people don't matter. It's the people you love and who love you that will be supportive and love you all the more for being vulnerable and sharing with them. Those are the people who matter. It's funny because I've always loved, supported, and given grace to the struggles and vulnerabilities of others, but I continue to struggle to give that same thing to myself.

Now, what does either of these ideas have to do with my 2022 journey? In 2022 I have embraced the healing support of other people and practice the gratitude of having so many wonderful people in my life. Some of my closest people have supported me so much during the year, letting me be vulnerable and seeing my struggles with love and kindness, giving me caring and sometimes tough love. And so many other people have given me support whether they knew it or not just by being people I can go have fun with, laugh with, keep my busy so I can relax into the joy life has to offer. In the past where I would have retreated into myself and home, I have kept my calendar and heart full by embracing so much care and joy around me. I appreciate so much the wonderful myriad of people in my life. I have made more of an effort to give appreciation to people. Every laugh, every hug, every I love you, every brightened face that sees me walk over to say hi, every moment of connection are so important and so healing. There are so many ways great and small people can be there for each other and bring joy to each other, and I am so grateful for that. 

Forgiveness

Earlier in the year I had mentioned to my therapist that my blog was one of the ways that I help process things and use as cathartic outlet. Obviously anything that I would write at length about what I've been working through in therapy would not be for public consumption, but she did suggest that if I wanted to write something, I could write about something more generally, an essay of sorts. She suggested I write about forgiveness. I've thought about this a lot over the last few months but wasn't ready to bring myself to write about forgiveness. Sometimes in moments of sadness or anger people can feel different than how they would feel when calm or think objectively. 

I feel like there are two purposes for forgiveness. The first is interpersonal. We forgive someone because we want to mend and maintain a relationship. It could be something as small as forgiving your coworker for taking too long to respond to an email, to something huge like a major violation of trust from a friend, family member or significant other. For me, forgiveness for mending is meant to show I understand the perspective of the other person and accept their explanation and apology, that I am committed to working out whatever solution needs to resolve the issue if any, and that I am letting go of the hurt. And on the opposite side those are the same reason I want to apologize, whether I proactively realize I need to apologize or I learn I hurt someone - I am committed to taking accountability even when needing to explain myself, I want to and work to understand the other person's experience, and I am committed to doing work on myself to resolve the issue and not repeat the same thing in the future. the second purpose of forgiveness is for the person doing the forgiving. Part of healing is being able to let go and move on from a hurt, no matter if the issue is resolved or not. It's easy to forgive a late email and may be done before or immediately upon response. Some things are much harder to forgive and take a lot more time and healing.

I've thought a lot about the barriers to forgiveness. I am thinking about barriers that I see as valid struggles to forgiveness. There are always going to be people who won't forgive or fake forgiveness because they want to hold something, real or fabricated, over someone's head to control and manipulate them. That is not okay. Forgiveness can be hard though because it requires someone who was hurt in some way to get past that and move forward. For example, if you feel like someone's apology is insincere, it can be hard to forgive them because if you're trying to mend a relationship, an insincere feeling apology can make you question the other person's commitment to mending things or like their understanding of why you were hurt. Also, I can imagine not wanting to forgive someone for something they do over and over and over and over again without any signs of even incremental growth. Like if we hurt someone because of our own flaws, we can't magically no longer have those flaws and not hurt anyone ever again from them. Sometimes it may mean the next instance we do better but not best and have to apologize again. And that's fine. It's about progress and not perfection. But if we hurt someone over and over and over without working to do better and never make progress, the apologies become meaningless because we aren't learning, we're just trying to get away with continued bad behavior. And for someone to continue to forgive that is hard and unfair. I can also see it hard forgiving someone when their apology is sincere but they don't seem capable or willing to understand how or why they hurt you. Or a situation where the apology is sincere and they understand the wrong, but the apology may never feel substantial enough because the hurt was so big. Ooh, or like a situation where the person can make clear they sincerely apologize and they get what they did wrong, but the hurt cannot be mended with words and it is only going to take time to prove the commitment to mending something. Like in a situation where there was a big violation of trust that the forgiving person just has to wait and see if the apologizing person is going to follow through on not violating trust again. Or if the apologizing person had long standing hurtful behaviors that the forgiving person has to wait and see if the other person will recognize situations for bad behavior and then not do the hurtful things - you know like if your sister had a history of calling you stupid and you finally after years expressed you hated that, and you have to wait and see if she catches and prevents herself from doing that ongoingly in the future.

There's also the barrier of the other person never apologizing, whether they didn't ever try, or had an opportunity they didn't take, or refused to acknowledge they had anything to apologize for. Essentially, it takes that first purpose for forgiveness off the table. The other person by not apologizing is denying the want or need to mend the relationship. So it leaves the forgiver to figure out how they can heal and get what they need for themselves to get to forgiveness.

And I get the feeling of not wanting to apologize in some situations. I know for me generally I have a value of wanting to take accountability for my actions and knowing when I messed up, and trying to be proactive in saying I did wrong, or at the very least being very mindful of seeing things from others perspective, listening, and taking the feedback to heart to see if I need to apologize for something. I think selfishly we all have situations where we feel we took accountability for things and feel like it's not fair to further apologize or take more accountability without reciprocity. Or feeling it unfair to apologize when we feel in the pie chart of things to apologize for we don't own largest slice. But from my own values and from learning about psychology and good relationship maintenance, I know that each person independently needs to take accountability for their own bad behaviors. But of course this I think requires that both parties approach accountability by being open and receptive. Because there are definitely times when apologizing is not safe. If it's a situation where one person feels backed into a corner and required to take accountability for way more than they should, and feel like they have to cut themself down just to "earn" any empathy or kindness from the other person, there's no point apologizing in that situation because the other person is just gaining ammo and control, and isn't going to give the understanding and care the apologizing person is looking for.

But back to someone is in a place to consider giving forgiveness for things needing an apology that never came and this someone is willing be forgiving and mature about it, there are different barriers to getting to that forgiveness on their own. I think understanding the why can make it easier or harder. Like even without an apology, knowing full well the hows and whys of something hurtful can affect the path to forgiveness. If the person is just a huge mean, selfish jerk or a narcissist, knowing that could make forgiveness harder because people who are bad just to be bad are harder to forgive, but knowing hurt came from a place of hurt in someone else or knowing there were no bad intentions can make it easier to forgive because the pain wasn't intentional and cruel, but rather other circumstances were too much to overcome to prevent the hurt. Not knowing enough about why something happened can make it harder to forgive. In those situations there are so many questions. Whether the hurtful person held things back or felt they were very clear on the whys, the hurt person may feel they don't know enough or understand enough why. And that's hard because you don't always get more information, or even want more information. And there could be that sort of hesitation to forgive someone if you think maybe the reasons are worse than you may logically deduce. There's also just like with getting an apology, maybe the person feels the hurt, especially with no apology, is just too big to forgive. I think about all these murder shows my mom watches and how some family members can forgive the murderer and how some can't, and how I find both outcomes fair and valid - and I HOPE that I will never have to know what I would do in that kind of situation!! The last barrier to forgiveness I can think of - I tend to think of this in the without an apology group, but I guess can apply with one too - is when the hurt damages a person's relationship with themselves. I see that as behavior that undermines the other person's sense of self, whether controlling, manipulative, gas lighting, etc. It's hurtful and scary enough to learn you cannot trust someone you thought you could. But it's additionally scary to learn that you cannot trust yourself or have betrayed yourself in some way. As an analogy, it's easier to heal from a scrape on your skin than from internal organ failure. Because a person can always cut a toxic person from there lives, and while the hurt remains at least the on going hurt is gone. But if a person has internalized the hurtful behaviors and has done them to themselves (or others), that is harder to heal. 

I think the reason why it took me so long to be able to think about and write about the landscape of forgiveness with because I wasn't ready for it. For awhile I didn't even want to think about whether I could do it. I know logically it was the right thing to do, but I was still healing and afraid if I had to make that decision I would be all "fuck forgiveness", so I just didn't even consider being ready to make that decision. And then after some time I healed and knew I wanted to get there, but I wasn't there yet. I could see it on the horizon but it still looked off in the distance. But like boating towards the shore, I found myself coming upon it eventually. I realized I had to forgive myself first. It's one thing to as an adult learn that people from your childhood and teen years, when you were still forming, contributed to the behaviors you fix and free yourself from. It's another thing to be an adult where you've done so much work and feel like you have such a strong sense of self, and then experience things that make you hold yourself back and make you feel diminished or give up your power. I had to accept for myself that I didn't always make the right call for me and that I experienced new things that I can't keep myself from being hurt by. And accepting that I still have things to learn about walking the line between empathy and asserting my boundaries. I think a lot of it too comes down to me knowing the only thing I have control over is myself, but that I don't have to be so controlled. And there isn't always going to be "if only I had done this" solutions, and sometimes there is no right course, just different difficulties to navigate depending on the course I take. 

I finally got to forgiveness. And like my therapist told me many times, forgiveness doesn't mean you condone the behavior or that you want the person back in your life, it means that you are ready to let go and go about your life. Forgiveness doesn't mean that thinking of things will no longer make me sad or angry. Forgiveness won't make the triggers suddenly go away and won't stop the mini panic attacks from encounters. But it helps. And each day things get better. I've healed a lot. Like months ago I needed to prepare myself so I would break down into tears or have a full blown panic attack. But now I find preparing myself mentally is more of a burden than when I walk through the door and have a panic attack before I even prepare because they aren't that bad anymore, and I can give myself a moment to recover and then go about my business knowing they are over. I learned the best way to take my power back is to accept sometimes I'm powerless but I am nimble and strong enough to roll with it. There have been some days when my panic response gets triggered or something makes me really angry that I think maybe I am not ready for forgiveness and will mentally revoke it. But it's not magic and it's a choice I have to embrace in each moment as they come. Also, I am not an angry person and being angry has been a weird, uncomfortable experience for me. And underneath it I know that as much as I hurt, mine is just a shadow, an echo. And thinking what that must have been like guts me. My therapist said that I've processed it all and got from it what I could and am working on healing. And I don't know if what keeps people from forgiveness is not making it through everything, or not letting go of it all once it has served its processing purpose, but for me I don't want to hold on longer than it has serve its purpose. It's like with baking - there is a ideal amount of time for each thing to fully bake and then be done - take it out too soon and it's still raw, leave it in too long and burns - and you're only going to know when it's done by putting in the time and then checking in on it.

Looking Forward

What I felt I've needed for a good chunk of the year and what I have finally found is something new to look forward to. For one, a friend and I started learning to kick box. I am so glad she asked me to join in this adventure! It's hard work and I get my ass kicked with every workout, but it's so rewarding. I am enjoying learning something new, instead of just like walking on a treadmill. And having a friend to do this with makes it more fun and easier to stay accountable. And we have an awesome coach teaching the classes that works us hard and is supportive. Plus it feels great to punch things (we have only dabbled in the kicking parts so far - mostly punching).  This isn't anything I thought I would be able to really do, and even when things are a struggle I can still push through and it feels great! So don't mess with me. I don't want to ever need to punch someone, but as a women it feels safer knowing I could.

Second, in January I signed up to participate in a pop choir for a couple months. This is not something Dayna from a few years ago would feel brave enough to do. But a different friend shared the info and it sounded like so much fun. Whatever happens, I want to embrace putting myself out there in a new space. I love singing and love the idea of trying a new opportunity to share my voice. 

And who knows where these things will lead. I may find or make new opportunities in the new year, or dig more into the ones I already have. I just feel excitement again for my life and I want to lean into that. So I am going to take into 2023 lessons, gratitude, hope, excitement, and leave behind the things I needed to carry but is there time to be put down.

Yes, Sad Songs DO Say So Much!

I've had the urge for several days now to write, since writing is one of my (although infrequent) self-care creative outlets. The question has really been "what do I write about?" because not everything that goes through my head is writing worthy, and not every topic I'm willing to share about, and I already may get a tad repetitive with things so best to avoid that where I can. I do enjoy writing about music I love, so I've decided to just make another blog where I talk about a bunch of songs I like under a specific topic. And looking back over my past blogs, since I've already written about the loud, angry songs I like to listen to when in a bad mood, I figured today I'll write about the songs that make me cry!

I've actually surprised people when talking about me being a crier. I've actually been a very prolific crier for as long as I can remember. I attribute it to a combination of being a very emotionally sensitive person and probably having had anxiety since I was a kid and not knowing what that was until I was an adult. However, I also HATE letting other people see me cry! Obviously there are exceptions for people who have known me so long that they've seen it enough times (probably too many sad movies). I attribute THIS to that super fun hard outer shell that a lot of highly sensitive people develop because other people make it feel wrong to be that emotional and that easily prone to crying, and add on top of that the pressure I used to put on myself to always appear on top of everything because I am only valuable for what I achieve and what I do for others and not as an individual with individual value. Because crying is a crack through which weakness leaks and I am not permitted to show weakness to most people. And I think it's interesting (my default word for "it makes me think but idk how I feel about it") that I have NEVER thought that about anyone else but myself. I've always been a big hearted caring person that always thought it was okay for people to express how they felt and to be cared for. It's funny how much of the good things some of us bring to others we can't seem to bring to ourselves.

Well, now that I got that out, let's begin with some sad songs! Just a warning, I will try to call out when some of these songs talk about more difficult topics. I don't really expect people to actually listen to them anyway (it's hard enough just reading through my drivel, hahaha) but yeah. And knowing me, there are going to be a bunch of songs people don't know because I have my own special taste in music.

When I think "songs that make Dayna cry" the first, easiest to come to mind is the acoustic version of "Bruised" by Jack's Mannequin. This song came to my collection from a sample CD I received at a Warped Tour in the late 00's. If I remember correctly, the song is about being on tour impacting a relationship. This has been a go to crying song for me since I first heard it. I think it's partly the emotion in Andrew McMahon's voice and that second verse! I relate too hard to that idea of every song coming on whatever is playing music somehow reminding me what's upsetting to me. I would think to myself that if for some reason I ever had to do a performance of some kind that required me to cry (this was even when I wasn't even performing, haha) that I could make myself cry just by thinking about this song in my head. Granted, this whole pandemic experience has made it much easier for me to cry, so I don't think I'd need this song anymore, hahaha.

Let Her Cry by Hootie & The Blowfish is still a song I love so much. And if it has cry in the title, it's probably a good crying song, right? Yes, the tears do come down like rain. And yes singing does ease the pain. They get it. I think this is a great example of a song that combines a vocalist who is emoting through his vocals and also the instrumentation of the song also evokes those same feelings. Pay attention to the guitar through the different verses. The guitar is mildly strummed in the first, adds some more in the second, and then gets some guitar riffs that rip through the other sounds in the third. The guitar work increasing that sense of pain as the song builds and gets more emotional. What starts out feeling more mellowed sad builds into something that feels more anguished.

If I Die Young by The Band Perry. I don't usually listen to a lot of country music that isn't early days Taylor. But there's something so beautifully sad about this song. I'm not exactly young anymore, but I'm not old. But I can still feel sad when I listen to this song!

Stand By Me by Ben E. King. This song is so sweet and beautiful. And another vocalist who can really emote. Idk if it's just me, but there are some older songs that just feel so much sadder than I think they should. I guess I just associate older times with music that was much more innocent and empty. But I guess even if older songs couldn't/didn't do more sexual or drug referenced things, but that doesn't mean people didn't write really emotional, painful songs. (The song Since I Don't Have You from like the 1950s hella makes me cry too.)

I have the Pentatonix version of Say Something in my music library because I like it a lot, and I HATE the original singer's voice so much. I've heard people sing this song on singing competitions and on the internet because it's a very beautiful song. But for me the original artist's/singer's voice is hella annoying. So I purposefully looked for an alternative version of this song. Giving up on people is so hard! I've had to give up on people before because no matter how much you care about someone, sometimes you just have to walk away because having the other person in your life just don't function anymore. What makes this song particularly sad is not wanting to give up but knowing that unless the other person communicates, the singer has to give up. It's so painful knowing you want to work things out but you can't make someone else communicate and there becomes a point where giving up is the only way to get to healing. The line that hits me the most is "I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you." I consider myself an empath and to have strong interpersonal skills, and I am someone that sees and hears and takes to heart so much about the people that I care about. So the idea of all of that being futile to get to someone I care about is so heartbreaking to me, especially where I would probably work harder than what would be "fair" if given the chance.

Cigarette by Splender. I am pretty sure I got this album pretty close to when it came out in 1999. I was in high school. I remember hearing Splender's song "Hey, Whatever" on the radio on KWOD and had to buy the whole album, which I still love very much to this day. The one after this was fine enough I guess. But I clearly did not understand or relate to this song at that age. I related to it a LOT now. In 1999 I had never even had a cigarette and planned to never smoke, ever. Now all I can say is that sometimes life gets really hard and you just have to make it one day at a time, right?

Mine from Glee sung by Naya Rivera. Sorry Taylor Swift, but this is my preferred version of this song. This is the version that I like to sing. I definitely feel like a careless man's careful daughter. I really want someone to be mine, someone who makes me start to believe. And Naya gives so much emotion to this song! I love her voice so much! I loved it when she sang more than anyone else on that show. This has been one of those songs where it's 50/50 whether when I hear it I am going to sing it or cry - not literally right now b/c clearly I have been crying on and off as I write this blog.

The One with No One by Secrets. I relate to the chorus part of this song moreso than the verses. I really appreciate the calmer, mellow moments of Secrets. My blog post about songs I listen to when in a bad mood is full of Secrets songs because to many of them are loud and heavy and angry. So I really like the more vulnerable, sad moment here.

Ten by Yellowcard. Don't ever listen to this song unless you want to be emotionally destroyed. This is what this song is about - Ten years prior to the writing of the song Ryan Key's girlfriend got an abortion, and this song is about what it would be like if that kid were born and now 10. (This and so many other reasons is why my thoughts around abortion are do whatever it is you think is right for you, because no matter the choice or the reason, it's going to be hard and painful, and I am always going to be 100% pro-empathy and hoping people get healing and support.) I do this this most years where I listen through every song in my music library and I have to emotionally prepare myself for this one (and a few others) because I know this will hurt, but it's also a very sweet song.

Your Wildest Dreams by The Moody Blues. Back in like 2016 I went back through the top 100 songs of every year of the 1980s to fill in some music gaps in my music collection. When I rediscovered this song I immediately burst into tears. I think partly because it's a cry worthy song and partly because I forgot it existed and remembered loving this song as a little kid. 

The Only Exception by Paramore. Listening to anything on this album takes me back to my first year of law school. In my more cynical moments, I very much agree with the verses of this song. Still waiting for my exception, although I'm not sure I believe one exists.

Our Time to Go by State Champs. To me this song is an interesting mix of expressing personal struggle and also being encouraging to get out and do something. I think about other songs that feel like encouragement anthems and this song has a feel of that but also with this like gritty, open wound acknowledgement of actually hurting. Sometimes I feel like pithy songs or saying to motivate people just gloss over that the pain is real and needs to be felt and processed. Sometimes you have to keep moving forward and working toward your goals even when it's hard and it hurts, and it's okay to be in both places at the same time. The line "nothing hurts more than saying I'm fine" really hits home for me. I've stopped giving the "fine" or similar lie when I am not okay and I am talking to someone I actually know. I may never intend to say "xyz is really bothering me" but I will say something more to the truth of "I'm surviving" or giving a noncommittal noise or something. I am so over the social b.s. of asking someone how they are and then lying about how I am. Either as a society we need to not ask as a greeting or be more truthful.

Some Artists Just WANT to Make Us Cry!

Ok, so of course when I was planning this blog I made a playlist. I love to make playlists. But since the rough first pass had 160+ songs, I clearly cannot mention them all and will certainly not link to videos of them all. To make it easier I am going to group some songs into sections. For this section, I'm going to discuss artists that just have too many good crying songs that I have to each least mention multiple!

I feel like people that are just casually aware of Taylor Swift's music will think more of her peppy up beat songs. But Taylor has so many slower, sadder songs. I could probably cry my way through all or most of folklore and evermore because those albums are never more than one song away from something that can latch onto you emotional and bring on the tears. My Tears Ricochet is one of my favorites to cry to. Again, I am pretty sure if you put "tears" or "cry" in a song title, it is legally required to make you cry. I don't make the rules. I read online that possibly at least part of this song is actually about her issues with the guy that bought her music. I just think it's interesting that while a lot of songs are written about romantic relationship stuff, it's interesting how when it comes down to it all types of relationships create struggles and can bring happiness or pain. Like there are songs about NOT love stuff that sound like they could be, and there are songs about love stuff that make me think of non-love situations. Because at the end of the day we care about all sorts of people and dreams and goals, and happiness and pain can come from any part of our life.

I was just talking about Exile this weekend with a friend over breakfast. Oddly enough, when I hear this song I think of playing Minecraft. When this album first came out, I listened to it a lot while playing Minecraft, and I would be running through the untamed woods of my Minecraft world playing this song on repeat (it's one of my favs from the album), and just crying. Maybe part of why I played 1000+ hours of Minecraft in 2020 was because I needed something to do with my hands while I cried listening to Taylor Swift. Hahahaha.

So many songs remind me of people. Some songs sort of move forward with me and will lose association with a specific person because those songs are more about me than them. But there are still some songs that a person is still stuck to, sometimes even after many many years. Most songs are more nostalgic than anything, like songs that still remind me of guys I like in high school. Red is the only song that is stuck to someone and the song can still make me cry because of that. I think sure, some of that is because there is still hurt there from years ago that is still impacting me now, but also listening to this song takes me back like I am empathizing with my past self. I also struck me as interesting how I think of the same person when I listen to "I Forgot That You Existed" because I definitely have gone "oh yeah, that's someone that technically still exists, but turns out I am indifferent now." 

I could cry to so many Taylor Swift songs, so instead of just listing them ALL, I'm going to add some honorable mentions to save time:

• Happiness
• Forever and Always (Piano Version) - Pianos sound so much sadder. It's also interesting how many songs can just be slowed down and then suddenly was more sad.
• Everything Has Changed (feat. Ed Sheeran) - Ed's going to show back up. This really isn't even sad, more like "that sounds like something I want". I guess Taylor and Ed together is too much in one song!
• New Year's Day - I want this so badly! I'm not perfect and I struggle, and I know I'll find someone who does too. And I am down for cleaning up after the messy times, and not just the fun. The line about the laugh I can recognize anyway hits me! I know people whose specific laughs do/did bring me joy, so the thought of hearing a laugh like that from the lens of not being in their life anymore is so sad.
• Safe & Sound - This is a song from The Hunger Games. So not only is the song emotional but also knowing what it was inspired by bring THAT emotion into it. 

I started listening to Ed Sheeran around the time I started going through a very rough sad period, so most if not all of the "+" album at some point had me in tears. The one song through that still hits hard is Give Me Love. I've never had a guy drunk call me. I only once drunk called a guy, the Halloween after I had graduated college. It wasn't that mean of a message, but I remember saying the F word a lot. Honestly that was very out of character for me and I don't even really know why I did it. (It's funny the random stuff that comes out when I am just in the writing flow and responding in the moment as I listen to these songs while I type.)

Here are a sampling of other Ed Sheeran crying songs because I could list to many otherwise if I don't just sample:

• Happier - Damn it Ed and Talyor, why do you have songs with a form of "happy" that are actually very sad because you were happy and now that's all gone, and that hurts hell of a lot!
• U.N.I. - I particularly relate to the line "I don't get waves of missing you anymore, more like tsunami tides." It's interesting how when you miss someone, for whatever reason, some moments you're totally fine going about your day, and then the sadness hits you and it just feels like you're going to drown in that sadness because the tears are never going to stop.
• Small Bump - WARNING - on first listen this is such a sweet song about a soon to come baby. But once you've heard the end of the song, it's too sad to listen to!! This song was about and for friends of Ed's.

I don't follow John Mayer anymore because once his music got more folksy, I ducked out. I disliked his fourth album and never looked back. But Continuum is amazing! And Gravity is may favorite John Mayer song. I've definitely felt like life just keep brining me down. I feel that way now for sure.

In Your Atmosphere is from one of his live albums. I am very picky about artists I actually by live albums from. I'm weird like that. It's only a small handful. The line that really gets me the most is "I'd die if I saw you, die if I didn't see you there." That feeling of wanting to avoid someplace altogether because that place reminds you of that person. And while it would hurt to see them, you don't want to be in that space and not see them. Both of those situations hurt in different ways. It's weird how even if things aren't good anymore with someone, your body still gets that boosted anticipation it's used to so it's still a let down when that person isn't there, only in like a worse way because if they were there it wouldn't be the shot of joy it used to be but another reminder of losing that joy.

Here's some more good crying John Mayer Songs:

• Slow Dancing in a Burning Room
• Dreaming with a Broken Heart
• Daughters - I think it's funny that people do father/daughter dances to this song at weddings. The point of this song is that he's dating a girl who is having issues because of a bad father. I mean, it would definitely be fitting for some weddings for sure, but that's not the kind of message you want to send anyway.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=OLAK5uy_niK4wFgEcTigXAAjtc5faBC2ZERJuKlbI

Seriously, if you want to cry along to an entire album, I highly recommend Divinely Uninspired To A Hellish Extent by Lewis Capaldi. There is literally only 1 song on that album that doesn't make me cry. The song structures on this album are all very basic and repetitive - verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge, chorus. But that really does not matter (actually it really helps remembering the lyrics because I like to sing many of these too). To me, the emotions a singer can put into the song can make a difference to how it sounds. On the bad end of the spectrum, I've heard singers with amazing voices that left me feeling "meh" because they have the vocal structure to hit big notes and stuff, but cannot emote and so their singing is cold. On the other hand, Lewis here not only has a great voice but his singing is just dripping in emotion. I've seen him interviewed and he's this heavily accented Scottish dude constantly making deprecating jokes. But when he sings, dang it's beautiful and full of emotion! And of course he is also good at putting those feelings into words to then sing.

I still love listening to Flyleaf! I love rock bands of any time with pretty, girly belting voiced lead female singers (probably because that's the kind of music I'd want to make and I have that kind of voice). Thinking about it, Flyleaf was probably also the first time I personally came across a band that sang about some pretty pain, personal internal struggles that was a female voice. I picked Missing because while so many of the other songs I empathize with, this on hits me in a real personal place. Maybe I like to listen to this song while wallowing in self pity, hehehe. Idk, I guess I've just always felt like maybe something is missing in me and that's why I have struggles opening up and why I'm perpetually alone. Like a laptop accidentally made w/o ports or wifi capabilities.

Other Flyleaf songs worth mentioning:

• Tiny Heart
• Much Like Falling - I feel compelled to state that I've never fully related to the content of this song, but related to feelings that in others give rise to these kinds of things and also give rise to other thoughts and actions that feel equally as sad and painful without being so intense. I purposefully will not link to this song because it's heavy and if you don't know it, probably best to not worry about it.
• Supernatural

Dang You Animated Movies and Your Sad Songs!

Like I've said, I've been a cryer for as long as I can remember. And as a little little kid my fav movie was An American Tail. I still have my stuffed Fievel in a bin somewhere! And damn can Somewhere Out There still make me bawl like a baby. I think as a kid this kind of story is one of the few that I could relate to emotionally because the fear of getting separated from your family is something kids can imagine and related to. Every kid has probably had at least one moment where they got lost someplace and got scared and sad. Compare that to say the beginning of Up, which makes me hella sad as an adult, but if I saw that as a kid I don't know if I would have been as affected because I wouldn't have the mental capacity or experience to understand what makes that sooooo sad.

Here are some other animated movie songs that make me cry:

• Baby Mine from Dumbo. More parent and child separation sadness! Gah! It was hard enough listening to it all these years being sad about being away from a mom. But now that I am old enough to understand what it would be like being a mom (one day? who even knows anymore at this point?) the thought of being kept away from a child is even sadder.
• Best of Friends from Fox and the Hound. They just wanted to be friends! But the world is stupid sometimes and other people suck sometimes, and that gets in the way and it hurts.
• Know Who You Are from Moana. Just listening to this song is rough, but when watching the movie, oh my goodness! I am a goner! Auliʻi Cravalho's voice is so beautiful and emotive. Plus, even when not watching the movie I can still picture it. The imagery here is so moving. It makes me think of Te Fiti as people who are very warm and loving and caring. But sometimes those people go through stuff that rips their heart out and all you can see is the rage hot anger and pain. But then the beauty of someone seeing through that to help that person get their heart back is just so beautiful. I can definitely relate.

Maybe These Songs Shouldn't Make Me Cry, But They Do

As I was making my crying song playlist, I noticed that while most of the songs were slower and sad, that wasn't necessarily the case for all of them. Some songs are mellow but not necessarily sad. Others could be considered outright peppy. But the fun/weirdness/sorrow of this process and my brain is I guess crying can surprise you! It definitely surprises me!

House on Pooh Corner by Loggins & Messina. I have been crying to this song most of my life. It's such a sweet, cute folky song about Winnie the Pooh. Why does it make me cry? I don't know! But it does

Treat You Better by Shawn Mendes. This is a peppy song! But it has reduced me to tears so many times! I guess I just think about the people on both sides of this song - the person being treated badly that deserves better, and the person alone that just wants to love someone they see hurting - and that just makes me really sad.

Brink of Disaster by Mae. Another pretty up tempo song. I think a lot of it has to do with when this song came into my life and also with I really relate to the car metaphor. I've always felt like my car was a safe place away from all my responsibilities to just be alone and that if I ever really wanted to, I could just drive off.

Bad Guy by Set It Off. This is legit a super catchy, rather upbeat song. I bought this album when it came out in 2014 and really didn't think much about how the song is peppy but the subject isn't. But then one day only a few months ago this song came on while I was driving and I really listened to the lyrics and I just crumbled into tears. I just thought like how could anyone have someone in their life that very clearly cares a lot and is willing to put in the effort to show it, and just treat that person cruelly and make them the bad guy. Like I've experienced situations where I've been unappreciated and things I've done have gone unnoticed, but this seems so much sadder and painful.

Oh Those Pesky Teenage Years

For some fun, here's a couple songs I liked to cry to as a teenager! Ahh, the memories!

Blame It on the Weatherman by B*Witched. Yeah, I listened to a LOT of late 90's pop music. This is such a teenage sad girl song. Hahaha.

Call and Answer by Barenaked Ladies. I think it's so funny that this song made me cry when I was younger when I really did not understand it at all. Good song writing though if the emotion can be felt even if not understood by the listener, I guess.

Umbrella by Dog's Eye View. I consider this a song that reminds me of being a teen because I discovered this song as a freshman or sophomore in college and was therefore still technically a teen.

Bad Day by Fuel. The fact that I actually listen to Fuel and owed a couple of their albums when in high school is odd for teenage me because these were the days of N'Sync and Backstreet Boys. I feel sad for my teenaged self that even at such a young age, and even before all the things I've been through since then, there was still enough to relate to this song.

In Conclusion

Well, I just spent some time writing about a bunch of songs that make me cry. Coincidentally, I also spent some time crying. Weird. Was listening to a bunch of songs that make me cry on purpose a good idea? Was this cathartic or wallowing? Some questions cannot be answered. Or maybe why not both? At any rate, I passed some time. That's something.

Too Much

I have so many thoughts running through my head that I can't decide where to begin. So I told myself the important thing is to just begin writing, and I'll get to wherever I am going eventually. I feel like that advice fits a lot of things right now.

I've been thinking a lot about what I want to focus on for 2022. 2020 was supposed to be an exciting year of new opportunities but turned into a year of survival and waiting. 2021 turned into a year of getting back to my life with many modifications and giving myself grace with not being back to my old self. Oddly enough, I feel like for 2022 I am right back in the same place I was at this time in 2020, only much more world weary from a collective trauma and mostly devoid of hope. But I want the same thing, more now that I did then. And the fear of wanting something so badly that may never happen for me is too much.

The most enthusiastic I've probably been in a while was that period leading up to my second vaccine dose when I was so full of excitement and hope about what I could do once I could return to other people. During the pandemic I went through a lot of change, gained some unexpected self-confidence, and intellectually learned some interesting lessons. I was ready to put everything to good use and to not be single anymore! I did online dating for all of 4 days before the anxiety and pressure I was putting on myself freaked me out. I didn't have the energy to put into something so big and new. Hell, I didn't have the energy needed to go back to how my life was before. So I had to accept for myself that with as much time as I lost during the pandemic, I was going to lose more time because I had to take care of myself before trying to add someone new to my life.

I knew for those 4 days that I was in the wrong headspace. I wasn't looking at profiles thinking this guy or that had something interesting going on. I wasn't curious and excited to get to discover someone new. I kept asking myself if each guy was worth taking time away from the people and activities I loved. I wanted someone that would fit neatly into my life, and was overwhelmed by the idea of having to accommodate a whole other person's life into mine if he had too many things going on that I wasn't into. I just barely had parts of my life back. I didn't want some new entity taking me away from it!

So I did the work. I accepted I didn't have the energy I did before and could not juggle things as deftly as I always have. I let myself leave parties early if I ran out of energy. I rested when I was wiped at the end of the week. And I accepted I would keep being alone as long as I needed to be. I let myself say when something was too much and say no. 

A conversation recently with a good friend got me thinking about the history of the things that I juggle, for lack of a better summation. The conversation took a different turn than intended, but the initial idea was to ask me for tips on being more organized in life. Yes, I would say I am a well-organized person. To me it feels like so much rattles around in my head that the only way to function in the real world is to be very organized. Otherwise the random, intense, busy nonsense in my head might take over. But yeah, I juggle more things than a number of people do and keep on top of things. I can see where some people would see that as impressive or too much for them to do. It got me thinking as to why it doesn't feel that way to me. 

I used to tell myself that I was lucky that as a teen I never had to get a job to help my parents. We were definitely low income and money was a stressful thing, but my parents knew I was smart and that school was important to give me a good future. So I was lucky enough to get to focus on school. It's great the money college will throw at you when you're smart and your parents don't have much money. But lately I realized this narrative wasn't true. Yes, as a teen I never applied for a job at a business where someone else would give me a paycheck. But that doesn't mean I didn't work. Before I was ever old enough to legally work someplace a teen might, I worked for my dad with his second hand sales business. I gave up a lot of time on evenings and weekends to haul boxes, load up a truck, or to spend hours at a yard sale or flea market. This is why I hate both of those things with a fiery passion. So I did school and homework and I worked a lot of hours. It made me realize I was just used to always being on the grid, not having as much downtime as I preferred. The biggest difference is now I get to make the decisions on what fills my time and I worked really hard on my life balance to be able to fill my non-work time with things that I want to do, instead of have to do.

And here is how that tangent relates to my contemplations on being single. I can totally see where someone else may see my life as too busy for someone. But it's not too busy for me. And the beauty of being in control of my life is that I can change what I commit to and make space if it's needed. And I want to make that space. For the longest time in my life I was always working towards making life better for myself. I never made a decision in my life to focus on my career or to put off romance on purpose. I just always saw myself as focusing on the thing in front of me - college, law school, job - to build the foundation for a good life for me and my future family. And I just always thought that while I was living my life I would meet someone organically and I would integrate him into my life and shift the future along with what I already had going on. But that never happened. I find myself here now realizing I made it a place where I can say I did it, I can provide a good life for a family, but it's just me.

Around October 2021 was when I knew I was in a better place and emotionally ready to find someone. The realization hit me one evening seeing friends who had their person and getting to witness the love and support those couples give each other. I want to be that anchor for someone who at the end of the day knows I'll always be in his corner and give him strength when going out to face the world, and I want someone who can be that for me. I want to love the fuck out of someone in all the big and little ways, to see the whole depths of someone and be seen in the same way. I realize that it takes a lot of time to get there – I am looking for something to take as long as it needs to be right, and I am generally slower to open up anyway – so I need to get going!

I feel it my responsibility to say here that friends are great - they can give support and love and caring, and I appreciate and care for and love the fuck out of the amazing friends I have. They bring so much joy and importance to my life. I don't want to discount that. I do think though they can agree that there's something different about having a partner. Both having a partner and having friends are great in different ways, so everyone should have both if they want.

Being emotionally ready in October didn't mean being logistically ready. Given the previous winter, I had large (clearly justified) concerns about a winter surge. I didn't want to start any serious efforts into online dating and then have it sidelined so soon by Covid. And given how bad things got, I am really glad I waited. The stress of that was too much and I definitely did not want to risk safety for dates with strangers. So I waited.

And now the time for waiting is ending. And I don't want to do it. I hate it! I don't want to online date. The idea of it fills me with this overwhelming dread of all the terrible things that will probably, most definitely happen. I am going to spend so much of my time and energy for no return. I am going to get passed over by too many men to count, with only an infinitesimal amount even worth my time in the first place. But if I have to, I will put myself through it, even if the likelihood of working is dismal. Because after spending so many years in places with people with alike interests, goals, intellectual levels, personality traits, etc., and not finding anyone interested in me, I can't see how wading into the cesspool of online dating will be any better. 

Online dating is so superficial. I am not good at a superficial level. There is too much of me, and as I feel it's unfair to not make that clear in photos, it's a big reason for guys to swipe left. I hate that stupid game of basing worth on what someone looks like on the outside, when I have so much going on on the inside. What I look like is not a fair measure of who I am or what I have to offer. Granted, the guys that are going to measure like that aren't worthy of me anyway. And I try really hard to get over that voice in my head that says something like "if a guy is good enough for me, why would he pick me when he's so great - he could get so many other women." I do like to think that I clean up well enough, and some attractive women are such terrible people on the inside, that mathematically I come out ahead. It’s just how does any guy figure that out from a profile?

I still can't always shake that feeling that I'm too much. Not just on the outside but inside too. I'm too smart, too ahead in my career, too independent, too naive in some things, too this, that or some other thing. I worry that there is this sweet spot in knowing me a where someone knows me enough to understand all the things I have to offer, but doesn't know me too well that I'm totally open with all the random shit in my head that makes people weirded out by how my mind works. And that sweet spot is where I have to reel someone in. The problem is I don't know if that's really a thing. Plus one day he is going to have to love that crazy, random nonsense thinking part of me too, so if that's a deal breaker, then better to move along sooner than later. I just feel like at the end of the day there are just too many shallow reasons for a man to say "pass" on me, despite all the great things I have to offer.

I have had comments that I am "overqualified" for the job as a girlfriend (and I myself have made that joke with some bitterness). But frankly I am not fond of that it. Firstly, there are plenty of amazing people that found someone else amazing and I don't see myself as better. Secondly, sure, I need a certain higher level of intellectual connection to be able to be truly attracted to someone, but I it's not like there are zero guys in the world that deserve someone awesome like me. I could probably even name a couple. Also, people's opinions on what I deserve may not take into account things I may value more than others, and that those people don't prioritize. Thirdly, even if it's true that I am "too good" for every single guy in existence right now, how is it fair that I should have to be alone? Caring about someone isn't about comparing what you offer versus what they do and needing to be relatively even. Caring is about enjoying someone's company and finding value in them as themselves. And I should get to experience loving someone for that person being a unique, lovable person. I will admit that I probably need to stop complaining and calling out being single so much. It's like when you're hella thirsty so all you can talk about is water. Because I really appreciate the kind words from friends, I just wish I could turn those kind words into a living, breathing boyfriend.

I do think I am doing a classic introvert thing where I am sitting and thinking about what worries me and planning for every contingency, instead of just taking it a step at a time and letting things happen (or not happen). I also learned it's easier to face and calm anxieties by identifying them, understanding the true source of them, and thinking through them. So here are all the worries I have around online dating that I can think of now off the top of my head:

1. It won't work - this is my last ditch effort. If this doesn't work, I have to accept the spinster life. That's not to say I am NOT open to getting dates IRL (if any offers came my way in person, all the better), but just that since that hasn't worked, it may never work, so I am running low on options. I guess I could do a mail order husband, or shell out too much money for a matchmaker of some kind. But idk if that’s my jam either.

2. It's going to take time away from other things - related to #1, don't want to lose time from the people and activities I care about to give time to bad men and still end up single months, years down the round. If I had some guarantee (like in a video game) that if I put in the effort and overcame the obstacles that I would get a man, then sure. But there's no guarantee. And it's not just taking time away but also the fear of things decaying from where they are now - that when dating fails I can't pick back up where things left off and I've permanently lost something special to me.

3. I am not strong enough to withstand the cruelty - I am afraid that despite the confidence and self-love I have, and the kindness and support of people I love, that I will not be strong enough to withstand the body shaming I expect to receive (on top of the normal sexist shit-show online dating can be for women). I know that any man who would be cruel to a stranger online is a trash person and not worth anyone listening to, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. 

4. I am going to miss out on someone great because of the data - being able to narrow people down based on a lot of data points is both tempting and frustrating. Because in real life people aren't just a collection of data points on various issues. If I think a guy is great and has all these positive qualities, I am likely to not have a problem with a trait or habit or whatever that is against my tastes, because this is a whole human being and people will never be 100% your preference on all things ever. But online, if any given data point is not the value I prefer, I am more inclined to say no because there's not enough to really latch onto to be able to say I could overlook that one data point over any other. Or I may rule someone out because they have a data point that is a hard no for me, but they could be that exception if seen wholistically. I just boggles my mind that it’s even possible for someone to go from a collection of data on a website to a future best friend and love. How I am supposed to know I made the right choices for such an important transition to such an important person?!

5. I am going to settle for a bad option - I don't know how realistic this would be, but it scares me hell of a lot. I worry that because the options will be so limited that I will take anyone who shows me attention. What if my desire to love someone and for me to meet the desired outcome of getting man, that I let that override everything else? It's tough because intellectually I think I have the knowledge I need to avoid it, but not enough practical experience. From my family and friendships I know what it feels like to be loved, supported, seen, valued, etc. etc., so I think I can translate that into a romantic relationship. And I have had experience as an adult being able to pick up on good traits and bad from early on that I can trust my perception. I know what I am looking for in a man, and I know what those different traits look like from just barely getting to know someone through knowing someone really well, so I'd like to think I would see reasons to bail before it got bad. But again, what I think I can do theoretically may not work out in practice.

Clearly I am probably over thinking this way too much and just need to do something. Because at the end of the day, I can go at whatever pace I want. I will say the one thing I see as a positive is it's much easier to know if a guy is interested. If a match happens, talking can happen. And if that goes well, a date happens. And after the date either you get another date or you never see them again - a clear indicator of whether they are interested or not. In real life I can't ever tell, and I don't expect anyone to be interest in me, so I probably have missed a lot of things. I need a very clear, direct indication someone is interested in me, and I think online dating will help with that. Obviously there is still games and nonsense that happens, but at least the intention of dating in some capacity it established upfront so that puts more on the table.

So that's that. The funny thing about my blogs is that if you just read these, and didn't know me in person, I probably seem WAY more down and sad than I actually am. I'm full of joy and laughter, I promise! It's just easier to express the joy and simple, happy thoughts in real life in the moment. It's the bigger, deeper, harder stuff that I need thinking and writing time for. So yeah, at the end of the day I don't know if I will find someone in 2022 and I don't know if there's man out there that wants to take on all of me, but I want it SO BAD and some guy could be in for something spectacularly wonderful if he would only take the chance. Wish me luck!