I sat down to write something because I've been feeling this knot of anxiety in my chest since Thursday, and writing things out is where I have turned in the past to get things off my chest. I am not surprised that I haven't written anything since January. I definitely feel like I have abandoned several interests. I feel like these days I have much less capacity to care about and engage with things, so I save my time, focus and mental space of the most important things. But I am here now.
I woke up on Thursday with a terrible knot in my chest. I don't know why I woke up already anxious. I could not pin point one specific thing that made me feel that way. Granted I had gotten very little sleep the night before, but that was me prioritizing fun over sleep, not doing anything to trigger my anxiety, I think. Yet I was so anxious all day Thursday I felt physically ill. I've been able to feel better here and there since then, but I've spent most of the last few days with that same knot and feeling generally anxious.
Honestly, I don't feel ready to resume whenever my life is back into the world. I don't feel like I have as much to give the world as I did before the pandemic. And I definitely cannot handle taking as much of what the world can throw at me. I feel like I've spent too long living in a world where all I can expect is something bad happening or the quiet time between the next bad thing that I don't have hope anymore for happiness. Like all the joy I have left for the rest of my life is appreciating the goodness in the little in between moment because there are no more big happy moment. I have used up all of the big, important moments in my life, I have exhausted all feelings of being passionate, and now it's just time to float on down the river, rapids and all, indefinitely.
Not that that's totally a bad thing. I take refuge in the fact that Saturday night I was able to lose the knot and feel really happy, laugh and have a good time, because I could be out and around people I care about and do things I enjoy with good company. Even if all my big moments are gone, I hope that the little moments like this take up so much of my time that these feel like the bulk of my life, and the other moments feel like filler between random fun times.
When I first opened my browser I intended to write through some stuff to express things weighing on my mind as I prepare for (or flounder towards) the world again. But I'm not going to. Mostly. Writing this blog is one way for me to work on my vulnerability, but somethings just aren't for here. I am thankful that for those things, I have been able to build relationships and trust where I can be vulnerable, where before I would just keep things in entirely. What I can say is that even though mentally I am struggling sometimes, I am still taking actions to go back into the world. I am taking steps to get back into experiences and activities I love, steps to have first time experiences and activities, to get around things I probably should have done by now and won't let unpreparedness get in the way of in due time.
As I am listening to music while I type, I agree that my worst pains are words I cannot say. Sometimes pains are too hard to articulate. Sometimes words are better left unsaid. Somethings feelings are just meant to be felt in a language that is beyond speaking, and then let go. What I need is time, not words. Things have to happen and I have to let them happen, or make them happen. If memory serves I'm addicted to words and they're useless.
I will write about one thing because frankly I am disappointed with myself and need to both chastise and forgive myself. In February I decided that the world wasn't so terrible all the time with all the new things that I could take on some pointed lifestyle changes. Over the first several months of the pandemic I lost 20 pounds because I wasn't eating out any more, and I was depressed so I didn't feel like eating so I only ate to no be hungry and not waste money on spoiled fruits and veggies. By February I gained half of that back because I got into food delivery and rediscovered drive thrus. But I didn't want to lose all of the progress I made when it took zero effort. Granted, I don't want to feel that horrible again, but I did develop some good habits that proved to be easy enough if I did them on purpose.
So on March 1st I signed up for Noom. I heard about it before and I liked that the program used a lot of psychology and actually sustainable methods. My problem has always been I have busy and/or stressful periods of my life that make dieting really hard. But being at home so much before the world reopens gave me time to focus and learn. More importantly, the program taught me so much about how to overcome past bad feelings and habits that diet culture ingrains in people. And it explains things happening in my body that I always felt but didn't realize were real biological hurdles.
I have been on the program for three months now. The progress has its ups and downs. But I've lost 20 pounds since March 1st (for a grand total of 30 for the pandemic). And more importantly, I have learned so much. I learned that I already had many good habits from so many attempts over the years, but all the mental baggage from diet culture and society had put up barriers. I have strengthened these habits, learned new ones, and I am also taking care of my mind.
And yet, I hesitate to tell most people. I have a couple people I give updates to because I want to share and I know I will be more accountable if someone knows what's going on. But I struggle sharing my success with others. Part of it easily is because so many people gained weight during the pandemic. I don't want my success to feel like a judgement of others. We all have had our own journeys over the last year+ that what any one of us has done does not make anyone else less. Also, a big part of me doesn't believe I'll have long term success. I had long term success once in my life, before going to law school, and that went away with the stressors of law school. Even though I know I will never be going into such a pressure cooker, and even though I can logically see the differences in approach and mentality now versus then, I can't help but hang onto those doubts that I've lived with so long. Then add on the struggle between wanting to lose weight but also wanting to embrace body positivity. Like somehow I am a traitor for wanting to lose weight or like it's wrong of me to feel better about myself by losing weight. Thanks society for over 30 years of fucking with my self-worth because of how I look!! *eyeroll*
I cannot prepare for everything and I cannot know the near future until I get there, so I am just going to pass the time, hopefully as best I can. *crosses fingers*
