I May Have Attended a Concert or Two or Three Dozen

It's amazing how feeling less impending doom about the future can help clear up the creative juices a little! So here this is, over five months later than I planned. Hahahaha, plans. Anyway, back in late May I did some research and made a spreadsheet of all the concerts I attended during my life. I used old concert tickets, pictures and very useful information on the internet to assemble a pretty comprehensive list. I know there are shows that I don't have on here from older days, but the ones that mattered I got. I really wanted to write about them. Maybe this will interest people. But mostly it will be nice to reminisce and get a nice record of some fun memories.

Date: June 10, 2000

Artist(s): Stone Temple Pilots, with Papa Roach and maybe someone else I forget

Location: Toyota Amphitheater (It was Sleep Train Amphitheater for awhile, but since I cannot remember or care when is switched over, I'm just going to call it by its current name)

I went to my first concert with my parents, there friends and their friends' daughter who was my age. The four parents were supposed to go on their own. My dad received four free tickets for selling the amphitheater all of the barrels used for their trash cans. And then my parents' friends received two additional lawn tickets, so us two girls ended up going too. At the time I was mostly into boy bands, so I didn't have much interest in the music, which is funny because this would be more up my alley years later. This was not the last time I saw Papa Roach either, which I wish wasn't true. This was also the first time I ever encountered marijuana. I was a very goodie two-shoes, quiet teen so I went because I sort of had to go. But I had a good time anyway. The amphitheater was brand new, so that experience alone was fun.

Date: July 25, 2000

Artist(s): No Doubt, Lit, Black Eyed Peas

Location: Toyota Amphitheater 

My second concert was way more up my alley! At my first concert, the other girl and I entered separate from our parents because we had different tickets, and when we entered we were given free Nine Inch Nails tickets. That was definitely NOT our thing, so her parents bought us tickets to this show instead. I never really like No Doubt's music after Tragic Kingdom, but I loved that album SO MUCH! I remember being introduced to it when my older brother came to visit one summer and was unhappy he refused to just give it to me. Ooh the days before music files on computers! I was also really into Lit at the time, so I was most excited about that. This was also BEPs before Fergie, in case people didn't know that was a thing. Hahaha.

Date: August 27, 2000

Artist(s): Third Eye Blind, Vertical Horizons, Nine Days

Location: Toyota Amphitheater 

I went to a lot of concerts at this venue as a teen because it was like five minutes from my house. Plus the occasional free tickets. I believe my mom got these tickets for free because she helped out the venue order enough change and cash for when Oz Fest came to town. During that time Third Eye Blind sang my favorite song (I Want You from their self-titled album), so I really enjoyed getting to hear that song live. There is something so magical about hearing your favorite song live, which I've done several times since this with my current favorite song. I also really liked Nine Days. I don't know if they ever made more than one album, but I still really enjoy it to this day. 

Date: August 15, 2001

Artist(s): Barenaked Ladies, The Proclaimers

Location: Toyota Amphitheater 

I went to this concert with my mom. She was really into BNL and I enjoyed them as well. They put on an amazing show; I had a blast! I remember them joking that in our area we didn't put people in prison. Instead we took them out into the surrounding area and made criminals walk until they reached another building. I thought this was pretty funny, even though we're not THAT far from Sacramento. It was also really fun to hear The Proclaimers sing their 500 Miles song live - that's the only song of theirs I know.

***At some point sometime around here or in the following few years I saw Rod Stewart with my mom at Arco Arena because I'm a nice daughter. I cannot remember when or find info to narrow it down. I remember the show being very enjoyable - Rod does a good job. And all the middle aged moms had a great time! I remember teasing my mom about the show by telling her about the episode of South Park where Rod Stewart is there and poops his pants because he's so old. Hahaha, it was very not true but still very funny to me***

Date: October 11, 2002

Artist(s): New Found Glory, plus other bands I don't quite remember (I think maybe Finch and Something Corporate)

Location: SF Concourse Exhibition Center

I met Danielle freshman year really early because we had like 3 classes together. She lived with her childhood friend and the three of us with others sometimes went to different local small shows to see bands Danielle liked. I can remember at least 5 different shows. At one point she said we should go see a band that I liked, so I did some research and a group of us went to San Francisco to see this show. This was my first experience with a show where you stand as close to the stage as you can push, and my first experience seeing people mosh. The rest of the group wanted to get close, while I found a nice perch in the back to hold the bags. I learned pretty early I enjoy finding a good vantage point in a less crowded place so I can just enjoy the music. I remember during one of the breaks the radio played Everlong by Foo Fighters and everyone in the crowd sang along. I found that moment so profound - a large group of people all giving all their heart into singing a great song. I love moments like that.

Date: June 8, 2003

Artist(s): Matchbox 20, Sugar Ray

Location: Arco Arena (now Sleep Train Arena)

This concert was not as enjoyable as the first time I saw MB20, but it was still fun. I went with my friends Karissa and Julia (and if I am forgetting someone, my bad!). We had to buy nose bleed tickets because there weren't any others available. I am deathly afraid of heights, so this was tricky. It was this concert that I tried to get tickets for by calling into the radio station, and ended up naked with a cop at my front door. I won't regale anyone with that story here - that's an in person telling kind of story.

Date: July 13, 2006

Artist(s): Vans Warped Tour 2006

Location: Toyota Amphitheater  

Believe it or not, I went to Warped Tour with three of my sorority sisters. Unfortunately I don't have any pictures from my first three Warped Tour adventures and I am too lazy to dig through my tub of papers and stickers from so many life adventures, so I am going to have to use my memory to try to sparse out what memories belong to what year. Hahaha. I remember going with my ladies to get beer because we had wristbands for being over 21, not a common thing for the actual music enthusiasts. This was the year the Joan Jett played. When she performed all of the chaperone dads in their khaki pants came out of the woodwork. It was quite hilarious to me. This was also the first year I saw Motion City Soundtrack at Warped Tour and had them sign my I Am the Movie cd booklet. I still have that booklet and that cd, while most of my cds and booklets went in the trash when I went digital. 

Date: August 23, 2007

Artist(s): Vans Warped Tour 2007

Location: Toyota Amphitheater

This is the year I went with just my sorority sister Amy. We were supposed to go with another sister, but a couple days before we were in San Diego visiting her to drive her back north with us, and I ended up in a shouting match with the girl outside my hotel room and we stopped being friends. Amy and I then got in the car that night and left town early. This was the year Coheed and Cambria played. They are amazing. I made the mistake of drinking a free Monster right before, my first ever energy drink, and I felt like I was going to have a heart attack during the Coheed set. My heart pounded like crazy as they played and it felt like my heart would stop when the music stopped. If I had died it would have been a fun, epic moment in which to go at least.

Date: August 16, 2008

Artist(s): Vans Warped Tour 2008

Location: Toyota Amphitheater

This year I took my little brother with me. (I still call him my little brother to this day despite the fact he's taller than me and more solid. If I try to punch his arm it hurts my hand more than his ham hock of an arm - not muscular, just solid, hahaha.). Motion City Soundtrack played again this year. From First to Last also played and I enjoyed it, but it wasn't as good without Sonny (who left the band before that to one day become Skrillex, ugg).

Date: September 11, 2010

Artist(s): 100 Monkeys

Location: Ace of Spades

I went to this show with my sorority sister Katina because the lead guy is the dude who played Jasper in Twilight, and she was (still is?) a huge Twilight fan. Even though I was unfamiliar with them I still had a good time. We then hovered outside the back of the club in the hopes of seeing him but I don't remember if we did because I don't care.

Date: April 25, 2012

Artist(s): Machine Gun Kelly

Location: Ace of Spades

This is the only show I've been to that I can say I disliked. A friend from high school came to town just to see Machine Gun Kelly and asked me to go with her. I hated it so much. I did not like his music or him as a person. I think he's a pig and bad for women.

Date: October 23, 2012

Artist(s): Motion City Soundtrack (w/ Jukebox the Ghost, Now Now)

Location: Ace of Spades

This marks a ramp up in my life of seeing concerts. There's something so magical about living in a larger city with a concert venue and having an adult job so I can go to concerts whenever. :^) I've seen Motion City Soundtrack the most of any band and that makes me so happy. They put on a great show and have so many amazing songs that are very enjoyable! Plus they sing my favorite song, a fan favorite, so I've seen them play it 6 times! I took my cousin with me because she graciously used the 2nd ticket I bought so I wouldn't go alone. And she had a great time, so that made me happy!

Date: June 17, 2013

Artist(s): Road to Warped Tour Show w/ We Came As Romans, Upon A Burning Body, Ice Nine Kills, Set It Off, Crown the Empire, Like Moths to Flames

Location: Ace of Spades

I went to this concert because I really wanted to see Crown the Empire. I really enjoy the post-apocalyptic themes of their music and theatrically to the loud metalcore. It still makes me sad how they really changed up their sound in 2016 and became crappy along with it. Oh well, there were some good years and a couple great albums in there. I remember talking to a random girl at this show saying how she felt old coming to concerts at 25. I laughed to myself, being older than that. The funny thing with this show is at the time CtE was the only band I knew. And I left at the 4th band, Upon a Burning Body, because they were stupid and I couldn't handle any more. But now I listen to Ice Nine Kills, Set It Off and We Came As Romans. I remember enjoying INK and Set It Off, and am a little bummed that I skipped out before We Came As Romans - I may have discovered them that night instead of later.

Date: June 26, 2014

Artist(s): Warped Tour 2014

Location: Toyota Amphitheater 

It was so nice going back to Warped Tour after so many years. I remember being in line waiting to get into the venue and this mom asked me if we were in the line to get donate cans for quicker entrance. I politely said yes and she just lit up and said I was the first nice person she came across. That's me - the nicest person at the Warped Tour! Haha. I was nervous about going to Warped Tour at 30 because I was closer in age to the parents than most of the music lovers. But as soon as I entered I heard the first band playing saying this song was for the old school fans, and then they played the song that at the time was literally the most played song in my music collection (Safe to Say by Vanna). I took that as a sign I was in the right place. 

Note: It's amazing how much more I can remember when I have pictures to refer to!! Hahaha, yes!!

I saw Crown the Empire again. They played their new song Mnstr, and that was the first and one of the rare times I actually enjoyed hearing a new song. Usually I just like hearing songs I know, but that song is so great. 

I got to see The Story So Far. I am pretty sure Parker Cannon is a huge introvert. It was interesting hearing him talk versus his performance of songs. I bought a t-shirt of theirs in Oakland As colors (they are from Walnut Creek) and I am still super bummed I ruined that shirt the time I washed a load of laundry with a bottle of nail polish.

I saw this band called Air Dubai (I think they don't make music anymore, didn't keep track) that was from Colorado. I still listen to some of their songs. They made me laugh because the band looks like Travis McCoy and Tyrese started a band with the geeks from Freaks and Geeks. I also watched Mayday Parade, who I didn't keep up with after Jason Lancaster left, but still enjoyed. This was also the first time I saw Falling In Reverse. I remembered seeing Escape the Fate during my 2000s batch of Warped Tours back when Ronnie Radke was on lots of drugs, before he went to prison, and it was crazy how much energy and stage presence he had now instead of when he was too out of it to even remember all the lyrics.

This was the first time I saw Issues. For people unfamiliar with Issues, it's basically a metalcore band thought "hmmm, this could use more 90s R&B". There first EP and album are so fucking good. Unfortunately in my opinion, they just weren't really that great to watch live (none of the times I saw them). The only exception is the bassist, Skylar Accord, who is very energetic and fun to watch play!

I randomly watched Chunk! No Captain Chunk, and really enjoyed it, and therefore got into that band. They are from France and that explains the odd pronunciations at times. Apparently rock music isn't really big in France, so they do all their music in English. I really never imagined French people being into the Goonies either, but it takes all kinds I guess.

I guess this was the first time for a lot of bands I saw more times after this. I am really glad I went, old age be damned!! Hahaha. Yellowcard was the last show of the night, and what a way to end it!! It doesn't hurt that they closed every show with Ocean Avenue. 💕

Oh, it was after this Warped Tour I started printing pictures from the concerts I go to with lyrics WordArted over the back of heads and then put them on my cubical wall at work. I have so many now! I wonder what state they are in since I haven't been to the office since March.

Date: July 24, 2014

Artist(s): All Time Low

Location: Comic Con

So in 2013 All Time Low came to Ace of Spades and I really wanted to go, but I didn't buy tickets right away because I was new to my job and did the dumb millennial thing where I worked too many hours and didn't want to have to work late and miss the show. By the time I knew I could go, tickets were sold out. I have learned this lesson. Luckily, I was over the moon to find out that that All Time Low was randomly playing Comic Con the year that I went. Plus, there were not as many people there as a normal concert so I got to be really close to the stage!!

Date: November 2, 2014

Artist(s): New Found Glory, We Are the in Crowd

Location: Ace of Spades

I was a little sad it took me 12 years to see New Found Glory again, especially as they became my favorite band not long after the first time I saw them. This time I paid extra to do a preshow meet and greet. Actually, I bought two normal tickets (this was during the time I naively bought 2 tickets to every show in the hopes that I would get someone to go). Then when they announced the special meet and greet tickets, I bought a third ticket to meet the band. We got a 5 song set and the band signed some stuff when we met them. Truth be told, I didn't know what to say and felt hella awkward in the moment. Having the picture w/ the band and the lanyard that says I met the band are so much more enjoyable to me than the actual moment.

Plus, with having the VIP ticket I got to enter the venue before everyone else and get a great spot for the show! Before going in I actually walked down the line of people waiting to enter the show looking for two people that needed tickets because I had those two extras and didn't want them to go to waste. I know what it's like to be young and concert tickets a luxury, so it's nice to do something nice and unexpected for strangers once in awhile. Ooh, and I also started listening to We Are the in Crowd after that. They put on a good show, and evidently were a draw for a lot of the youngsters in the crowd!

Date: November 25, 2014

Artist(s): Issues (I don't remember if anyone else played with them)

Location: Ace of Spades

This concert was a little disappointing actually. I still enjoyed myself, but as I mentioned earlier, they aren't that great to watch live. Plus they played like all the songs that I like least.

Date: January 28th, 2015

Artist(s): Silverstein

Location: Ace of Spades

This was the first time I saw Silverstein live. One of my top 5 bands and also one of the best bands to watch live. They put on a great show! Oh, and adding this - this was where they played through Discovering the Waterfront front start to finish.

Date: February 14, 2015

Artist(s): Motion City Soundtrack (and other bands I don't have record of)

Location: Ace of Spades

Literally my best Valentines Day (oh the joys of always, always being single!). One of the opening bands had this kid that played the trumpet, and they had him come back out to play with MCS. The pop-punk trumpet warms my heart! This was the time though that I almost punched a drunk fairy! Since I love MCS so much, I got to the show at door opening and stood my spot through the opening bands. And then when MCS came on this hella drunk girl (she was beyond gone) pushes her skinny way right up to the barrier I had been leaning on for hours. She then proceeds to throw her arms out in front of her, and me, so many times, and is screaming and singing in a super high pitched voice. It really make it hard to enjoy the show. Thankfully she left before the quite large encore so I had some time to enjoy some songs without her. Oh and I say she was a fairy because I swear she had pointed prosthetic ears on and was dressed up to look elven or fairylike. Idk what she got up to earlier in the night - I guess whatever the fairyfolk do to get drunk. Oh, and this show was the start to finish play through of Commit This to Memory for the 10th anniversary, which probably explains why the dumb lady left after the album and missed a whole bunch more songs.

Date: August 5, 2015

Artist(s): Fall Out Boy, Wiz Kalifa

Location: Toyota Amphitheater 

I really lucked out with this show. I was really stressed out from work and I thought I should see if there were any shows to see as a way to make myself feel better. And it turned out it was only like a couple weeks before this show. I was able to find a single seat in a good section and went! I mostly walked around when Wiz Kalifa played because that's not my jam and I didn't want to muffle up my hearing too much before the boys came on. I tried to see FOB like ten-ish years before this and the show got cancelled. It's nice to be an adult with money because FOB shows are not cheap like most of the other bands I see. But is was so worth it. Fall Out Boy put on an amazing show with great playing, fun visuals and an all around rocking good time! Plus Patrick Stump has one of the most amazing voices I've heard.

Date: November 17, 2015

Artist(s): New Found Glory & Yellowcard

Location: Ace of Spades

This is my favorite concert!! The bands co-headlined the tour so I got two full sets from both bands. NFG played first. (Side note: I have NO FUTURE as a photographer. I have so many blurry band photos and maybe 3 good ones after how many years?) Confetti fell from the ceiling after NFG's set and it was a magical end to such a great set! Both bands played all of the fan favorites so the show was packed full of amazing songs. It was nostalgia overload with music and bands that feel like childhood friends.

Date: March 11, 2016

Artist(s): Silverstein (Geez, I either didn't remember, could find a record, or didn't care about many of the opening bands for these shows. Ooops)

Location: Ace of Spades

I will always, always see Silverstein when given the chance (hopefully the March show that was postponed happen eventually). This was the show right after I Am Alive in Everything I Touch came out, which really revitalized their sound. The new music made the show a blast. This was also after Paul Marc joined the band (right below) and I was quite taken with how hot he is! Yummy!

Date: March 20, 2016

Artist(s): Issues and Crown the Empire

Location: Ace of Spades

Third time seeing both of these bands. Both were as enjoyable as my previous experiences (CtE being great and Issues still being mostly a disappointment).

Date: May 8, 2016

Artist(s): Silverstein (Geez, I either didn't remember, could find a record, or didn't care about many of the opening bands for these shows. Ooops)

Location: Ace of Spades

This was MCS's So Long, Farewell tour. I cried so much during this show!! I didn't want to say goodbye! I didn't want this to be the last time I saw them live forever! *sobs* It was also the first time I heard them play Her Words Destroyed My Planet live and that was very exciting to finally see but also sad because it was the farewell tour! When this was announced they were ending things and doing a last tour I literally put my head in my folded arms on the table and wept. 2016 was a very rough year for me.

Date: October 23, 2016

Artist(s): Yellowcard (and idk who else, whatever)

Location: Ace of Spades

And for a second farewell tour show, this was when Yellowcard did their last tour too! But honestly this one was less enjoyable than MCS's farewell and the other times I saw Yellowcard. They played a lot of stuff from their last 2 albums, neither of which I could get into. The one bright side is they played my fav song of theirs for the first time I had heard. And Ryan Key built it up so long about how this was a B side and how they never played it and on and on and I just wanted him to tell me it was Gifts and Curses from Spiderman 2 because that's an amazing song. And yes it was and yes my spidey sense was tingling, Ryan, just play the damn song! OMG it was so great to hear live!! Especially the instrumental part that builds and builds and then crashes into song pop punk goodness.

Date: April 14, 2017

Artist(s): Coheed and Cambria

Location: Fox Theater, Oakland

This was an all around great day!  I took the day off from work to see the show, and drove down to Oakland early to make a day of it. I walked around this cute lake in downtown Oakland and played from Pokemon Go.

The show was fantastic. Coheed and Cambria put on an excellent show. Plus this venue is larger than my usual haunt so that was nice. The tour was specifically billed as a full play through of their Good Apollo, I'm Burning Star IV album. I love full album play through shows. (Now that I thinking about it, one of the MCS and Silverstein shows above were those - so this is the part where I scroll up and add that somewhere.) They also played tons of songs after that from other albums, so it was a fantastic and very long show. 

Sidenote: Nighttime alone in downtown Oakland is scary, and I definitely did it again after this, hahaha.

**This is where I take a break to do things with people because I socialize!! Vroom, vroom, Rocket League!**

**And I am back, two days later because that's what happens living life.**

Date: July 8, 2017

Artist(s): All Time Low

Location: Fox Theater, Oakland

I think I already blogged about this in an earlier blog (and the Coheed show too). I really like this venue and All Time Low.

Date: September 8, 2017

Artist(s): Secrets (technically Slaves was the headliner but I was there for like 20 minutes total)

Location: Goldfield Trading Post

This was an interesting situation. I bought a ticket to this show and then I ended up having an improv class that night. So I had resigned myself to not being able to go, since I wanted to see Secrets and since they were the opening band, they would have been done before class was over. And I was for sure not skipping class for this - improv class was more expensive, more time doing the thing, and more fun. But, as it turned out, the show started hella late so even though I got out of class at 9pm, I way able to go to the show because I could literally park my near one location and walk to the other in a short period of time, that's how close the locations were. I cannot remember how many songs Secrets actually played. I want to say like around four because they were so behind and had to cut it short. Under normal circumstances I would have been really bummed with the super short set, but since I didn't think I could go anyway, I took what I got and was happy about it. I do really want to see them again, preferably someplace bigger than the Goldfield, so I will keep my fingers cross for that in the future. *Sigh*

Date: January 30, 2018

Artist(s): Silverstein, Tonight Alive

Location: Ace of Spades

I can always tell from the angle of the pictures for a show whether I got there early to get a spot on the side by the railing, or if I timed it to show up right before the headliner starts and I'm stuck in the back on the main floor. Clearly this time I got to Ace of Spades early, unlike the time before. I had such a great time the time before that I HAD to get a good spot.

Date: March 2, 2018

Artist(s): A Day to Remember, Falling in Reverse, Papa Roach

Location: San Francisco Armory

This was one of my favorite concert going experiences, even if I probably spent $500 for a short weekend in the city. The show was at the San Francisco Armory on a Friday night. So I took the day off work and I booked a hotel room in Union Square. I valeted my car and spent the afternoon walking around Union Square, window shopping and playing Pokemon Go. The GPS was super bad in my hotel room, so PoGo thought I was running around all over, which was great for playing because my avatar was in all sorts of places to collect items and Pokemon while I just sat in the room.

I loved this venue very much. It's an old military armory turned into a show venue. And it's huge, so there's plenty of places to dip into a lonely spot for some introvert time before ADtR came on. Papa Roach was really pathetic to watch, it was painful. I was embarrassed for them, or by them, idk which. I see plenty of bands that have been touring and playing for a decade or two, and this was the first time I thought "geez, they really should have hung this up years ago." I did sing along to the few songs I knew, from like forever ago. Falling In Reverse was fine too. I knew some of their songs from their first couple albums. OMG Ronnie Radke got RIPPED!!! As a person, he bothers the shit out of me and I cannot stand him, but damn is he nice to look at!!! And I like some of his music.

Everything about ADtR's show was fucking fantastic! The perform great, the visuals were super cool and very engaging. They played so many of their best songs! Definitely one of my top 5 shows! I particularly enjoyed the experience when they played 2nd Sucks.

Leaving the concert was entertaining too because someone puked out the door of their Uber in front of everyone trying to leave, and it was pretty funny. The next day when I left the hotel I nearly died because I just let Google Maps tell me where to go instead of going the way I know, and I ended up going over one of those really steep streets. I almost just pulled over at the top and resigned myself to live there forever. But I made it and played more Pokemon Go at the pier.

Date: April 10, 2018

Artist(s): In This Moment

Location: Ace of Spades

This show was a little disappointing in that I had a horrible spot and it took away from the amazingness of the show. Plus my pictures are crap, and with all the effort Maria Brink puts into her costumes and the visual elements of the show, it's so sad!! Everything looked so cool and I cannot explain it or show any decent pictures. Next time someone derisively says to me "is there anything you can't do" I am just going to bust out all my concert pictures that I can't take. (And also draw something because I am terrible at that too!) During this show I was almost smacked in the face numerous times by a way too drunk older lady. This adult woman and her parents (50s, 60s) were there and the mom was sooooo drunk! Why can't drunk people keep their arms close to themselves? Like, do arms start to fly away when imbibing too much alcohol and it's all one can do to keep them attached? I literally had to put my hands in front of my face more than once to keep this lady from smacking me. Plus like, they reminded me of that part in Lady Bird where she asks if she looks like she's from Sacramento. And these people definitely looked like they were from Sacramento, but like very specifically Land Park. 

The show was still a great experience. I really wanted to see In This Moment for awhile, and missed them numerous times because they usually just do Aftershock and I've never wanted to pay that much since there wasn't enough artists I liked. I do hope to see In This Moment again, preferably at a larger venue. But regardless of where, if it happens I will for sure get their early or fork over the dough so I can get a great spot!

Date: June 2, 2018

Artist(s): Maroon 5 (and that other chick that played)

Location: Golden 1 Center

I originally was going to see Maroon 5 in 2016, but then I booked my Ireland trip over the concert date and had to sell the tickets. I mean, no offense Adam Levine, but Ireland is way better than your band. Luckily they came back to town, and my mom and I went to the show. My over all take away is that I enjoyed myself, and I am glad I went. And I also don't ever need to do that again. I like Maroon 5's music and they put on a good show. I enjoyed it (my qualms about G1C's seats notwithstanding). It's just that for them the live experience didn't add anything for me that I would want to do it again. Check it off the list and be done. I did think it was funny that when they played Animals it sounds more of a rock version and I think I remember Adam Levine doing is best to rock star it up, which made me think was he jealous that Ice Nine Kills did a cover that was more fun? Hahahaha, probably not but I like to think so.

Date: June 23, 2018

Artist(s): Warped Tour 2018

Location: Shoreline Amphitheater

I love trips that also include a concert! My little brother and his wife came to visit, and we took a road trip. We did a day at the piers in San Francisco. Then we went to Santa Cruz to visit family. We stayed overnight in a hotel and then went to Warped Tour!! This is probably the only picture of me from that day because I hate having my picture taken. Hahaha. I just appreciate having a brother that listens to similar music as me so we can do fun stuff like this.

I was really excited to get to see Ice Nine Kills. I love them a lot; I listen to them a lot! It was funny though because they started and then the tour stopped all the music because the line was so long, so we had to wait a bit and then they restarted so that more people could get into the show. We did the line where if you donate money or can goods you get to get into a shorter line, and it still took us at least 30 minutes to get into the venue. So I am not surprised that happened because the lines were HUGE!! I mean, this was the last Warped Tour. *cries*

MmmmMMmMmm Spencer is so hot!! Looks wise, he has all the things that I like! 😍

I also got to see State Champs for the first time. I remember feeling the attire of the lead singer really fit the kind of persona he gives off while singing, even if it was sooooo hot and he was wearing all black. You do you I guess. I did a lot of listening to whomever was playing somewhere near where I could sit in the shade, which is actually a surprisingly good way to hear some good stuff I would have otherwise missed out on.

Date: October 8, 2018

Artist(s): The Front Bottoms (and obviously other people - I've given up caring hahaha)

Location: Ace of Spades

Super fun about this show is people I know were there, even though I bought my ticket alone, so I got to see people and share the experience! Granted, I spent part of the time alone upstairs at the bar balcony because I didn't want to be down in the pit of people, but that worked out. I had a good time and enjoyed listening to songs I love live. Not every band gets flashy. I just love the fun of live music because everything sounds so much richer, and singing along with a crowd of people.

Date: March 23, 2019

Artist(s): State Champs

Location: Ace of Spades

This was one of those shows that I arrived right before the headlining band. When this happens it's usually because I don't want to go out. I like to buy the tickets as soon as I can because I don't even want to miss a show. But then of course I get to the date and I just don't want to leave my house. This was during a particularly rough time with my anxiety so I had to force myself to go. And I had a good time. They aren't remarkable compared to other bands I've seen, but the music is fun and played well, so it's good I didn't miss out. I find I have a much better time overcoming my "I don't want to leave the house" moods when either I've paid money for something and I don't want it to be a waste, or if I would disappoint people for not doing the thing. Being responsible is so hard sometimes, hahahaha!!

Date: January 25, 2020

Artist(s): Motion City Soundtrack, Mom Jeans, Elder Brother

Location: The UC Theatre Taube Family Music Hall, Berkeley

Remember above when I was so sad that Motion City Soundtrack was leaving? Well, it didn't take them that long to get back together and go on tour again!! This was supposed to be concert 1 of 4 for this year, but it turns out this was the last show I would see before the lock down. And while I am sad that any show has to have that "honor", I am glad this was the last show I saw. I had such an amazing time. This was my first time at this venue and I really liked it - easy to find parking, I felt safe walking alone to the venue, and it was very large inside with some good places in the back for a good view without being covered in other people's sweat. Also, usually when I do to a show, I don't get a lot of enjoyment from the opening bands when I don't know their music. But I actually really liked both of these opening bands, like a lot. 

It was so great to hear so many old favorites live again! And to hear that the band was doing well and excited to be back. They don't know yet if they are going to make any new music, but that's ok! Being at this show was one of those moments when I really knew I needed it at the time and just really took in the moment. 

I am not always a "be in the moment" person - I spend a lot of time in my head and I can get overwhelmed by too much sensory stimulus. But there's something so magical about a live show that is so easy to live in. The atmosphere and the music pull me into this wonderland of sound and emotion that the air vibrates with it. Caught in the moment I forget I am in a room packed full of people and instead I am just present there in the rush of it all. These are my favorite moments.

Let's Review Music That You Probably Never Heard Of!!

I haven't really done any writing in a while. And I am definitely still not ready to begin any writing projects that might actually really matter. But I do feel generally in the mood to write, even if - especially if - it's about unimportant nonsense stuff. So if you are looking for an unloading of my weary soul or a dumping out of all the things clogging up my brain - HA!! You won't find that here! Those things are best left to the undocumented, ephemeral existence of being spoken aloud.

What you will find is I am going to write about what I've been mostly writing about this year - music. A number of my favorite artists released new music this year. And in the last couple of months I have been catching up and listening to these albums a lot. So I wanted to share my thoughts about the albums and specific songs. People have been telling me they read these posts, so my utter shock and surprise! So hopefully it's not too long or dumb or boring to at least be worth 10 seconds of scrolling. Maybe if I say there's secret messages throughout the text if you can figure them out I can trick people into reading all the words!! Muahahahahaha!!!

I was thinking about what order do I talk about these - what came out first, what I listened to first or the most, who is the most popular. But since I have a playlist that automatically puts all songs released in 2020 into a smart playlist, I'm just going to go alphabetical by artist since that's how the playlist is sorted.

(I learned to put a picture at the top of my blog so it's the thumbnail instead of a random music video still.)

Wake Up, Sunshine by All Time Low

Overall I think this is a solid album. The thing I like about All Time Low is it's clear they are dealing with more adult related issues and emotions, so some of the topics are deeper and more self reflective. But there's still a buoyant energy to the music. I think there's a theme among the bands that I love a lot that have been around for years and years that they can keep up the energy even after so much music. To me All Time Low's last album Last Young Renegade felt like a departure for them. With that album I have some songs that are my favorites of theirs and have played 100+ times, while a couple I actually almost dislike, which hasn't happened before with this band, or frankly most of my fav artists. Wake Up, Sunshine feels like taking more of their usual sound and mixing it with the sounds from the last album. I find I am not super in love with any songs from this album like I was the last, but I like everything just fine. To be fair, I had to listen to Last Young Renegade awhile before I really fell head over heels for it, so that may happen here - I'm only 20ish listens in.

I really like how the album opens with Some Kind of Disaster. It sets a good tone - some great energy, enjoyable instrumentality with some real emotion depth. I also really like the music video. I don't know if being a blonde really suits Alex. Jack is as cute as always, of course!

I

My favorite song off this album is Sleeping In. I know about myself that while I love a great emotionally captivating song, I am a sucker for some fast paced, high energy guitar work. The answer to the question is "Yes. Yes please." I know this album was released pre-quarantine, but this sounds like a great way to pass what will inevitably be long, sheltered fall and winter. I do love how the music videos have the boys getting cute animals despite the very different activities in the song.

I also really like melancholy kaleidoscope. I have also noticed I have this interesting fondness for songs that have high energy but are actually pretty, well, melancholy. Like, sometimes I feel like I'm feeling moody but I want something peppy to listen to too. Usually in that mood I listen to The Story So Far. But this song definitely hits that same kind of mood. I find the lyric "can't be 100 when you're only giving 95" pretty funny these days because man oh man how great would it be if I could give 95?! I feel like collectively I'm hovering around a smooth 55. Hahaha.

Monsters is probably the most unique track on the album, and it's soooo good! I really like the rhythm and the percussion in the verses. And I have never heard of Blackbear before and his flow is hella sick! Oooh and the bridge is so great! I don't relate to this song but it's really easy to get swept up in the feelings and I like to sing it. Extra bonus - this song is downloadable for Rock Band 4, so yeah I definitely did that!

It does sort of bother me that all of the songs I am really into are all in the front half of the album. It bums me out when that happens because it makes listening to the back half a chore and the front half gets more air play. 

In Sickness & In Flames by The Front Bottoms

Honestly I am still getting my head around this one. I am sure it will surprise absolutely no one that I have an onboarding process for new music. I have a playlist folder where I house playlists of new music. I then listen to the playlists until I feel I know the songs well enough. Then I integrate the new songs into my various playlists. It's a whole thing. Anyway, I've only listened to this album 10 times so I'm not quite familiar with everything. 

This may sound familiar. So The Front Bottoms' last album felt like a departure for them. This album feels simultaneously moving back towards their usual sound but also off in a different direction. To be fair, I find each release from The Front Bottoms, while having a very The Front Bottoms style, also has it's own unique presence. As with the last album, there really aren't as many songs on this album that stick out. I still feel it's pretty good but not quite as engaging as past stuff. With most new albums there are usually 2-3 songs that really get me and I get excited to listen to them again after they end and want to skip to them before finishing the whole album. I don't feel that way about any of these songs. They are like "oh yeah, this is catchy" in the moment, but haven't stuck yet, if ever.

I do really like Everyone Blooms. I really like the message of this song. Everyone blooms in their own time. And that's great. Like for me, I feel like intellectually I really bloomed in law school. And career wise I have bloomed and receded and will hopefully bloom again, probably more than one more. In other ways I may be just beginning to bud or will bloom in the future. There are definitely ways I feel on a verge of a huge bloom and I feel like I just have to get through whatever this is now to get there, and then it will be magical!!

I am honestly not really sure what this (Montgomery Forever) is about. But it's hella catchy and I like it a lot. Definitely has some classic The Front Bottoms instrumentality.

Yeah, definitely seems like we're all going The Hard Way. I really like the lyrics calling the singer "the character" and "the animal". This song definitely resonates.

Forever and Ever x Infinity by New Found Glory

I know, you're all going to be shocked when I say that I've only listened to this album 3 times since its release in June. Yes, this is my favorite band. And yes, I do like it. It's like this. First of all, it is very peppy and energetic, and frankly until the last few weeks I have not been in that kind of mood - which explains why an album discussed below got a LOT of play time. Plus, like I know New Found Glory is solid for an enjoyable album, so I'm not in any rush to make sure it's good. I see it like this. If other bands or albums are some meal with some fulfilling substance to them, I find New Found Glory is like getting ice cream. Is it going to nourishingly sustain you? No. But there's enough variety and consistency, and overall sweet wholesome fun that it's worth it. I know that New Found Glory has never been deep. What I like is that they have been able to keep it fun and energetic without being stale over so many years. For a sizable part of my life I may relate more to the deep and/or moodier stuff, but I want to be the fun, energetic type. They bring me so much joy. Plus, I love that as heard in this album they still dip into their hardcore roots for some truly killer sounds. Some of the song topics and lyrics may be pretty shallow and silly, but the music part is so great.

So I don't know the songs well enough to really call anything out. But I thought Himalaya is a great example of the hardcore influence. I like it a lot. I would just like to say as someone getting older I like to see my fav bands getting older and still bringing the same energy. Just because I may have a different kind of life and concerns doesn't mean my life doesn't have need for really loud songs. 

A Beautiful Place to Drown by Silverstein

This is Silverstein's 9th album! And frankly I am super impressed, proud, excited for them! 2009's A Shipwreck in the Sand is an amazing album. Then it felt like with Rescue and This Is How the Wind Shifts that Silverstein was getting into that familiar path of a band whose new stuff sounds over and over like a less good version of their old stuff. I find bands have issues because they either get stuck in a rut or go way too far afield. It is hard finding the sweet middle of being creative and innovative, yet sticking to a core identity. Yet somehow with 2015's I Am Alive in Everything I Touch they found some new breath and really came with some new stuff that was really exciting. And then Dead Reflection continued on that course.

This album keeps that pace of brining new stuff and feeling creatively a stretch while also keeping true to the Silverstein core sound. I like it so much! I probably don't like it quite as much as the last two albums, but mostly because now I have expected them to be this great again, and there are a couple songs that I am not that into, which really didn't happen on the other two albums. What I do like though is this album feels like more variety and more stretching, so it's a fun mix. Plus, I found a video with Shane Told talking through what each of the songs are about and how they were brought about, which was super fun to watch! I listened to each song and then watched the part of the video explaining about the song. Longest 14ish minute video ever, but worth the experience! Hahaha.

Of course the album starts off with a banger! I would like to say that I am very pleased with all that Paul Marc has brought to the band over the past several years. He's a great guitar player, he helps write songs, he also sings sometimes, plus he's easy on the eyes.

So in the video I mentioned where Shane was talking through all of the songs, he mentioned how like this one may be a sleeper hit. And I cannot agree more. This is one of the songs I have listened to way more times than most of the others. I think it has a really great ebb and flow. The guitar riffs in the chorus are super sick. I do worry that I may listen to this song way too loud because I want to feel like I've crawled in between chords and can feel the music from inside of it. Plus, this song is about that oh so relatable situation where you're into someone and you don't know what they're doing and you're all worried that they out there with someone else that's not you. I've been there. On like the giving end. I don't know if you'd even know if you were on the receiving end of this scenario, and it's not like I ever go anywhere with anyone that's worrisome. 😂😂😂😂

I love Say Yes! so much! It's got a fun mix of Silverstein's moody lyrics with some run pop punk vibe. I love the little guitar solo. I just really vibe with the high energy and great instrumentality. Plus I really relate to the metaphors used in the chorus. They really resonate with some of the personal lessons I've learned over the past year. I've learned that I already have a lot of interpersonal skills that really let me connect with people and for the most part I can be casually charming and engaging with others. Just sometimes I can get really in my head about things and that cuts me off from these skills disrupts my ability to connect with people. People like me and I have to just relax my anxieties and just engage with people the way I naturally want to, because I genuinely really enjoy just talking with and listening to people. Evidently my intentional use of eye contact is a great skill to have that others don't use enough. So now I'm sharing some wisdom.

September 14th is probably my least favorite song on this album, but I thought it really interesting that a Canadian band in 2020 felt compelled to write a song about what it felt like being a US person whose birthdate was pulled first in the draft.

Folklore by Taylor Swift

I have listened to this so much! I love this album so much! I get it is very mellow and very different from the last few albums. But honestly I feel like this is what my soul needed. I have spent many a melancholy evening listening to this album while playing Minecraft. Plus, the whole folk vibe really works with adventuring out in the Minecraft woods amongst the trees. This album really shows how versatile a song writer Taylor Swift is and how great she is with telling stories in her music. I did learn the hard way though the other day after mixing this in with her other music and listening to it in the car that maybe don't listen to some of it while driving, especially if I'm about to do a live streaming show, because I came into one of these songs at the wrong moment and was just bawling for whatever reason. There are some really impactful emotion moments with this album.

I usually don't end up liking the first song of an album the best. But that's not the case here. I really like The 1. It really doesn't make me think of anything personal. And it seems pretty simple. But there is this wistful beauty to it and a great artfulness in it's simplicity.

Exile is probably the song I first really latched onto when I first listened to this album. I have never heard of Bon Iver before this, and I probably wouldn't listen to them. But I really like this dude's voice. And this song is so beautiful. I like the two sided story of it. The lyrical metaphors are great. The blending of the two sides when they sing together is so impactful and sad.

I also really like Invisible String. The imagery that Taylor Swift uses in this song really tells the story and feels really vibrant. Just listening to this song plays a video in my head of what is happening in each part. I also really enjoy the folksy sound. 

Dang this song (Peace) really hits me hard with the emotions. Case in point, as I start it to blog about it, I immediately burst into tears because (1) it's beautifully touching and (2) I'm really emotionally sensitive right now, so like whatever. Hahaha. This makes me think of how sometimes I listen to different Taylor Swift songs and think "she's great, but clearly I have much better emotional intelligence and emotional control." Like listening to Me I think "yeah, there is no one like me, I'm awesome. And also I won't do all the less than ideal stuff Taylor sings about before that." Hahaha. So here Taylor doesn't think she can bring peace and that makes sense for her. I thought about myself and I feel like I have never really been the best at making peace for myself, but in that or maybe because of that I find it much easier to make peace for others. Yeah, maybe I should have listened to more New Found Glory because if I listen to stuff that's too deep or emotional then I think about things and A to B to C deep thoughts and it gets ... interesting? Boring? Eye rolling? 

So that takes me to the end of this. I swear every time I'm like "this is only going to take 30 minutes". But then I have to listen to some songs multiple times, and I go off on tangents because I think too much. And I have to Google things and second guess word choices. Anyway, if anyone is still here, thank you!

As a bonus, Coheed and Cambria wrote a sequel to Jesse's Girl and got Rick Springfield involved, and it's a delight!

Being the Vulnerability I Want to See in the World

 I struggled the last several days with whether I wanted to write this blog or not. On the one hand, I really want to be more open and I believe that talking about these things are very important, and I want to be a part of that. On the other hand, I have decades of just keeping to myself and soldering on to fight against, plus the thought that writing this blog is just empty openness if I don't expect anyone to read it. But here we go anyway.

It feel weird to be "officially" depressed. It's not like I didn't know I was depressed. I've been depressed a couple times before, so I know what it feels like. But there's something about it being official now that feels weighty. I am not surprised that I am depressed, with everything that has happened in the last several months. And looking at my mentality and behavior it was clear. But putting a name to it makes it more than "I just need to get used to everything and keep on keeping on", and instead it's a big thing that needs more care, monitoring and acceptance. 

Although, now that I am passed the "wow, this is that big a deal" it also feels less of a weight too. Like, it has a name, there are tactics to cope, and I have more words to put to things to better identify and overcome what's going on. Turns out increased irritability is one of the symptoms of depression, so that explains that. So if I go off on someone in a chat or something, I'm not an asshole, I'm just uncharacteristically irritable because of my depression.

This has also been a very interesting experience because sometimes I feel it so much in that moment and it can be overwhelming at times. Like not overwhelming in the sense that I cannot handle it, but like overwhelming in the sense that it takes up all my headspace so I cannot focus on anything else. I may just sit in a chair spacing out or dangle my arms and head off the side of the bed because I just can't anything else. But other times I feel like I'm watching it as an outside objective observer. Like I can logically understand it and disconnect from it, and think about it as I would some scientific observation with cold indifference.

Here's where it hits the hardest. Focusing on things is probably the hardest thing for my right now. Tasks take so much longer than they usually would. Mostly it's because I get distracted and just stop mid-task. Like I'll be typing something and then get distracted by a thought of something else I need to do, or I'll want to scroll through Facebook, or I think "let's play a quick game of Minesweeper." I also do a lot of starting a task and while doing it coming upon something else that needs to be done, and then like I'm 3-4 tasks deep and none are done. I also find it really hard to get up the energy to do even the simplest life admin stuff. Anything that involves a phone call will be put off for way too long. I write everything down on my dry erase board and not until that gets too busy to trigger my anxiety do I do things. If there's not a pending deadline (i.e. I could get in trouble for not doing it), I am probably going to put it off. Sometimes I just knock a handful of things off together on a Saturday for a huge shot of relief and productivity pride. 

The self care is hit and miss. I know I don't drink enough water and I have gotten into the habit of forgetting to eat once or twice some days. I am working on getting better. And it's not THAT bad because if I feel thirsty I drink water, and if I'm hungry because I forgot to eat, I go eat something. So like I am not on a regular routine, but I meet my needs when they need to be. I am working on incorporating more activity into my life. I used to walk daily during lunchtime, but since I discovered Minecraft, I play that during lunch instead of walking (or eating). But on the bright side, these last two months with literally doing nothing on purpose, I've been able to maintain the 20 pounds weight loss. So at this point, as I work on being more mindful of my self care, I'm only going to get better. That also means I'm going to have to buy new pants eventually. I also struggle with sleeping. I don't like to get up in the morning because I have to do stuff. And then I don't like to go to bed because most of the stuff that makes me happy happens in the evenings and night, and I don't want it to end and return to the morning and day time.

Also, as is pretty par for the Dayna course, when it's particularly bad, I do get negative about myself. I worry that I said something stupid and people think I'm dumb or they hate me. Or because no one responded to my chat or not many people like a post, it's because everyone hates me and I'm alone and stupid. (Side note, Facebook's algorithm may be exacerbating people's mental health struggles. Idk if that's true, but I'm going to feel that way so I don't feel people hate me instead. Hahahaha.) These times just require me to remember that I've been told by a whole bunch of people on many occasions that this is NOT true, and I feel better about it. Besides, most of the time I don't really care if most people hate me because (1) I objectively know that's not true, and (2) if someone does hate me, then I don't care because the people I like enough to want to like me do. If someone was inclined to dislike me, I'd probably not like them either or at least not care enough about them to care. I mean, my list of haters is probably so small that just having a list at all makes me feel like a bad ass, just a little.

I am really proud of myself though. Turns out when it's "official" there's also ways to tell if I'm coping fine. And turns out I'm coping pretty damn well! Yes, yes those paragraphs above may make it sound pretty damn miserable, and yes it's a struggle, but it's a struggle I am making it through pretty well. The most important things is that I am doing things to keep up my positivity. I look at how badly I coped in the past, especially when much younger, and it's a drastic difference. When I am feeling particularly down, I reach out to people I care about to talk about it. Yes, it may take days sometimes to work up that courage. And yes, sometimes they way I reach out may not be the most productive (like that time I tried to quit that thing because I thought everyone hated me, but what I really needed was just someone to talk to). But I do reach out. And I get in regular socializing, even though I am stuck at home. Being able to talk to or play games with people multiple times a week, whether in a group or one on one, really helps. When I'm doing a show or have social time, I'm even able to forget that I am depressed and I can just relax, have fun, and let myself be me. 

I still don't have the focus to do some of the activities I love. I write less, so this blog is the only writing I've done - no sketches, no novel work, nothing new. But I'll get there. I am reading more than before, which is helped by reading things that are more fun and interesting. The Plato and Aristotle is going to stay unread for awhile longer, but my BFF's new book is really gotten me to sit and read longer than I have been. She also sent me this other book that makes me crying intensely as I read these excerpts from this advice column, but they are so good I have to keep reading - only just 2-3 at a time. I am also singing more than I have been the last couple of months. I kind of see this as the biggest sign of how I am doing with how often I am compelled during the day to burst into song. Singing is my favorite form of stress relief (well, favorite form that's quick and easy and I can do whenever I want). So if I'm too moody to sing, that's a sign. Wanting to only sing sad and cranky songs is better than not wanting to sing at all. 

Having the comedy shows is a HUGE help through all this. First I have something fun to do almost every day with fun people that I look forward to it. Second, producing shows really keeps me on task and not giving up on doing anything. Because it's something I really enjoy doing and if I didn't do all the things I have to do to produce a show I would disappoint people I want to make happy, I can muster the energy to do all the things, even if not always as early as I would like. And being able to keep up with all the little tasks for those (getting guests, sending info to guests, making events, etc.), I find it a little easier to muster energy to do other little life chores outside of shows because I have proof it's not that hard. There is literally nothing that I've put off doing that got me in trouble or that caused me to miss out on anything. Even mailing back my old laptop for a trade in credit got done eventually, even if on literally the last possible day. It just helps to feel like little things that used to take practically no energy to do, but have felt like hurdles lately, can eventually go back to being minor. I just have to keep at it and keep coping, and I'll get there.

So what do I want the take away to be from this? 

(1) I am done not sharing about myself. I have mental health struggles sometimes. Other people do too. It doesn't make any of us a bad person and there needs to be more openness about these things. When I hear that other people struggle with mental health, I feel grace for them and feel impressed because of what they were able to overcome and what they could achieve even with those struggles. I need to stop not giving myself that same love and acceptance. I need to stop fearing that people are going to question who I am or all that I have accomplished because they know I struggle too. If anything, I'm even more of a badass because I'm not perfect and I have had some serious struggles. And if people want to question me and think it bad, then they can go away forever because they suck anyway and I don't care what they have to say.

(2) I'm not doing great. I'm not perfectly fine, I'm not peachy keen. I'm not all sunshine and rainbows and all positivity and hope. Times are not easy for me right now. And I'm being real about it. I do feel super blessed and grateful for all the things that are fine now and struggles I don't have. And I have so much empathy for everyone with struggles, ones I have and ones I don't. And that also makes it hard because there is so much struggle everywhere that it can sometimes feel like it's caving in all around.

(3) I am doing fine. Yes, I am struggling. And yes, this is not easy or fun. But I am hella proud of how I'm tackling it, and I have so much in my life keeping me sane and happy. I have new friendships, I'm developing new skills, I am crushing it at Minecraft. Because while mental health struggles do make my life harder at times and with some stuff more than others, it doesn't define me or what my life is. It's just another hurdle to handle like anything else life throws at me. And I am just unbelievably proud of myself how like with each time the hurdles are thrown at me, it gets easier and easier to jump over them. And I guess that's why I wanted to share because I'm not the only one who deals with this, and like maybe even in the tiniest way I can help make someone else's hurdles a little easier to jump over too.

I Have a Great Personality

I am supposed to be sleeping right now. I was determined and well prepared to actually go to sleep before the clock turned into tomorrow. But the problem is these days I'm just as likely to lie awake tossing and turning as I am to sleep. Maybe I should have avoided the wine tonight. Maybe I should avoid the wine indefinitely. I wish I could avoid thinking.

I really wanted to sleep. But then I got to thinking deep thoughts, and then I got to wanting to put those thoughts into words, and once the writing bug gets me, it's impossible to shoo it away until it's sated. Besides, if I am not going to sleep either way, I at least could be doing something that pretends towards productivity. Like, pretending that anything I write means anything, or that anyone will read it and learn something about me. I wish people would read more about what I write about myself, because maybe then I could feel less guilty that I learn so much about others but give away so little of myself.

On that point, I hate that looking back over so many years, I am still working on the same thing. I am still trying to be more open, put myself out there more, let people in better. Maybe I actually have, but I am so used to it being a constant struggle that I've missed the progress. Maybe I really am more open than I think, and I need to stop pretending like I'm this big enigma. Maybe I should actually ask people their views on this topic instead of trying to figure it out myself. I don't know.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how some people tend to get told the positive things about themselves more than others. Being lonely and depressed from the pandemic has really hit me and when I get low I get super self-doubting and thinking people hate me. It's to the point where I am really annoyed with myself because I feel like every time I need to reach out for support, it really feels more like I'm just asking people to compliment me. That's not the intention at all, but it worries me that it's becoming an annoying habit. But I should probably put that aside because obviously people want me to be open and vulnerable when I am feeling down and want to cheer me up. I can't help it people have nice things to say.

But I also think about people who don't express their insecurities aloud. And people who come across very confident. Maybe they don't get complimented enough because people don't feel they need to be. Like, oh you're already so confident in yourself I don't want to inflate your ego. But I don't think that's fair. And I worry that in my own experience of receiving kind words, that I don't make room to share the same.

I also worry about not expressing enough how I feel about people. I think it manifests in different ways. For one, I have an easier time showing people I care by doing something or giving them support, rather than just coming out and saying "I think this positive thing about you." Especially if it doesn't feel natural to say or if I am not confident in how the other person feels about me and I don't want to make things weird. I feel like I care much more for people than I am willing to show. Second, just because I often put lots of hyperaware intention into even the littlest things, it doesn't mean that most people do too. Not everything means something, good or bad. There's probably way less to read between the lines than I may think.

Soon I will actually need to go to bed. I feel more settled now. Just time for a few more points, before I hopefully drift off to slumber town. I have also been thinking about loneliness. Happily I can say that I no longer fear one day being friendless and alone. The last few years are a nice reminder about how easy I can make friends. Now that I think about it, it's really stupid that I know I make friends easily yet think everyone hates me. Oh the joys of anxiety brain! But seriously, even in these crazy times I've been able to make new friends and I cherish that so much. I just worry about my eventual capacity to fall in love.

The thing about friendships is they come in all shapes and sizes. You can make friends you share everything with, or have friends where your entire friendship is based around one narrow shared interest and everything else is not discussed. But to fall in love, you really have to go all the way with the vulnerability. You have to be prepared to open up all the way and dive all into someone who is also all open. And I feel like now more than ever I am really ready for that. I just don't know if I am capable of that. The weird part is I don't think I'll have a problem getting from like 50% all the way to 100%. The part I fear is the 0-50% (or maybe 0-30%, depending on what that even means anyway). 

Let's face reality. I am not attractive, at least not in the conventional sense. And while many friends may say "oh you're so beautiful, stop it," that really feels more like in the "you have a great personality and yay for body positivity" sense and not a "someone will actually want to date you" sense. Or maybe I'm just slightly too old to benefit from all of the gorgeous women as role models to self confidence in any body. Because if so many people think I am so great and deserve something so wonderful, put your money where your mouth is and give me some options. I find it hard to believe that every person I know has no one they could set me up with. I have been told before that everyone this one person knew were all crappy, but I can't believe that I am so amazing that not one man known by all the people I know is deserving of me. (The sarcastic disdain I feel for that last sentence is dripping off the screen.) The reality is probably more like people know people who would definitely say no, and being my friends they don't want me to get hurt, so they make up an excuse. 

Here's the thing. Even if it's true and I have all these cons about how I look, I have so many pros going on that I think it makes up for it. I love myself a lot and think I'd make someone really happy. And when I don't think that, I listen to Me! by Taylor Swift and remind myself there is no one like me. :P Let's be realistic, I can't settle for okay. One of the burdens of being really smart is I have to find someone that can hang and is worthy of my time. And as I get older and more emotionally intelligent, it's going to get harder to find guys that meet my standards. I feel like such an arrogant jerk writing that, but it's true. For friends, you just have to be a nice person that wants to hang around me. But if you really want to be that person (even if for just awhile) there's a lot more that I need. And I worry that I am not good enough at putting myself out there in the going from nothing to something period of time that I can get someone interested in going from something to everything.

Which really just sucks because being loved by me on a deep level is an experience so monumental and profound that it doesn't just exist every day. It feels very conceited and preposterous to say that, but it's just something I know deep in my soul. Most people don't see others the way I do, they don't take in the being of other people and see people so clearly, so deeply. I do think a lot of holding back comes from picking up more things than others do and seeing how things will play out because of predicting based on past behavior, and being able to really empathize with people. 

When I open up 100% and receive the same in return, it will be this hauntingly beautiful thing, fragile and strong. If it lines up, we will be both challenged and supported. Sometimes I feel like different versions of me around different people, and this would be my best version, my favorite version, because it would be the most whole. And I know this sounds like terribly bad, pretentious poetry, but really I just have this yearning to get there. And I am willing to do whatever it takes, whatever work on myself I need, to get to that place to find it. It's going to be scary, but in all the best ways.

And seriously, I've had enough alone time to think this year to cover the rest of my over-thinking, introverted life, so when the world is safe again, watch out!

I Never Said It Sounded Good, I Just Said I Did It

It's been awhile since I've written anything. Doing any kind of creative endeavor just for the sake of enjoying it is pretty hard right now, without some kind of deadline pressure, and since that's not my life, I haven't had the motivation. But right now feels like a good time to get some thoughts out. I'm not going to write about what's on my mind because that's a hot mess of a bunch of different things I can't sort out yet, or maybe ever.

Instead, I am going to write more about songs I like because that gives me an excuse to listen to music and write at the same time, which feels doubly productive and fun! Weeks and weeks ago I put together a playlist of songs that I love to sing, specifically with the intention to write a blog about it. So here this goes. Maybe one day some lucky few (or unlucky few?) people may even get to hear me sing a song of two!!

I thought about how am I going to organize this. Since I'm lazy and have stuff to do in a couple hours, I'm just going to do alphabetical order because that makes sense. And I am not including any Disney songs because that more than doubles the list and changes the vibe. Plus, lazy.

I love to sing Adele. I will sing practically all of her songs. And of many of the really great well-known singers, she's one that I have the easiest time singing. I don't know any of the technical terms, but her voice sounds smoother and rounder, which fits better with my voice. Singers that tend to sound sharper or brassier I have a harder time with because I can start to sound screechy if I don't figure out how I have to sing something.

Probably my favorite Adele songs to sing is Turning Tables. It's emotional and lots of opportunity to show off. Let's be real, this list is going to include a lot of slower, emotional songs. Most people have only heard me sing happy Disney songs, but I feel like I really hit my stride where I can dig into some emotion.

Another Adele songs I absolutely love to sing is One and Only. There are so many great vocal moments, even in the verses, which I really enjoy. (Side note, I am really glad I am NOT trying to sing these right now because this is one of those songs I have about a 50/50 chance of either singing along to or bursting into tears to. Ugg.)

I don't know if I've ever told anyone this, but I am a huge fan of Clay Aiken's first post-American Idol album. I haven't listened to anything of his since then, but I love this one. I really dropped the ball of Clay. His voice is amazing. I could sing my way through most of this album, but Perfect Day is my favorite. I love sinking into a nice and easy belt. It's just a bunch of clean and easy vocals. Plus the sun is so positive and uplifting. I also learned restraint with singing this song because a really good belt is so much more rewarding when you don't do it at every moment in every song. Gotta learn to cut off a note and not be greedy.

And now for a change of pace, I give you Delirium Trigger by Coheed and Cambria. This song really doesn't offer much challenge in the way of vocals. It is however just super fun to sing, in that "help I'm trapped on a spaceship with a monster" sort of way.

The lyrics to this song are so emo and I can't get enough! Admittedly, it can be hard to sing along to because Andy Leo is not that good of a singer. I really had to work to add more melody when I sing the chorus because it can drag. I do though love any chance I get to belt out a huge note over a guitar solo!! My note doesn't end where his does. ;^)

I am somewhat surprised that I enjoy singing Stolen by Dashboard Confessional so much. Most of the song isn't that exciting to sing. But that song is so charming. And I relate to the feelings in this song so much, I can't but sing. Then once I get to the end it's super fun to just let it all out! Side note, there are songs that remind me of people that have, ummm, stolen my heart, but I've always wanted someone to listen to this and think of me. I am the best one of the best ones, after all.

Believe it or not, I actually sing a country song or two! And I'm not counting early days Taylor Swift. While the real life thought of being taken away by a cowboy into some open space sounds horrible, I do love singing Cowboy Take Me Away. It's such a great song! I remember one time I was driving around Oak Park singing this with the windows rolled down and some lady on the street gave me a compliment. I felt very embarrassed and very pleased with myself. I also sing What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts, even though any other country like that is not my jam, because I heard someone once sing it on a singing competition show and just HAD to learn to sing it.

Ed Sheeran is one of my favorite artists. He is insanely talented. However, there really aren't that many of his songs that I really sing. Well, maybe not that many percentage wise because he as a lot of songs and I only sing a small handful. Dive is by far the one I love to sing the most. I sing this all the time on my own. I really like the structure of the lyrics plus that bluesy, emotional ache I can just sink my voice into. Plus I really relate to this song, so I can really connect with it emotionally.

I cannot express how much I adore singing My Immortal by Evanescence!! It's haunting and sad and so emotional. I tend to sing it with a little more angst - probably from all the punk songs I sing along to. I usually just sing this by myself with no music. But if I was going to sing along to the music, I like the radio version, because like I said earlier, I love to belt out a huge note over a guitar solo. I feel like this is the song that's technically hardest to sing that I can still really crush. But then I've never actually sung this for anyone, so I could suck really bad. I don't want to burst that bubble.

And now I bawling as this comes up on my playlist. Rest in peace Naya Rivera. This is already one of the songs I could just as easily break down crying to as singing along with. I love this arrangement so much and Naya's voice is so beautiful. I don't ever sing the original Taylor Swift version because I love how this version captures the emotions of the lyrics better. But damn Taylor Swift can write some lyrics. I want to feel love in a way this feels.

Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls is actually a song you can get me to sing at karaoke.

I feel compelled to offer a trigger warning before anyone tries to listen to this song. I debated about not even including on this list, but because I love singing it so much, it felt wrong not to include it. It's a modern interpretation of Tess of the d'Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy, especially the ending. So if you don't know how that ends maybe look that up first, or just don't and move on. And if you know what that's about, then you can understand why this song would be avoided. Ice Nine Kills usually doesn't do slower songs and I think it's beautiful in it's horrible sadness.

Why do I love to sing so many songs that also make me cry?! Seriously though, if I for any reason need to make myself cry, I will listen to or just think of Bruised by Jack's Mannequin because I find this song incredibly emotional. There's something about the lyric "now every word of every song/ I ever heard that made me want to stay/ is what's playing through/ the in flight radio" that is just so heart wrenching. Or maybe that combined with the emotion that Andrew McMahon sings it with.

I'm not going to link any video here because if you don't know these songs then I give up! If you've ever done karaoke with me you know that my go to is Don't Stop Believin' by Journey. I love that song because everyone knows it, so if I suck then the audience can take over. But when I'm on point, it's a fantastic surprise for everyone watching. But that's not the only Journey song I love to sing! I really enjoying singing Any Way You Want It. Rise Against does a cover, which is fine, but Tim McIlrath is not the same kind of vocalist that Steve Perry is and ruins the run of "hooooold, on, hooOooOoold on." I was listening to that version recently so I had to complain. You'd probably be surprised to hear that my favorite Journey song to sing is actually Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'. That song is so sexy. I like how the first 90 seconds gives some fun spaces for teasing some vocal skills, and I can be really sassy. And then the rest is just let the skills and stuff burst forth. I would try to turn this into something I do for karaoke, but too much of the end of the song is just "nananana nanananana" and the gets boring.


Kelly Clarkson is one of those great singers I struggle with because she is SO AMAZINGLY FANTASTIC. I have a heard time singing along with her, but can manage songs on my own by altering them to be less hard. I do need to work on this song in particular just because I know three different versions and I mix them up when I try to sing them that I just make a mess. A Day to Remember does a version but obviously Jeremy McKinnon cannot sing like Kelly. And then there's the Pitch Perfect version which is also great! MmmMMMmmmm Skylar Astin!! Wait, what was I doing?

Lewis Capaldi is amazing! And I eventually plan on learning to sing all of the songs on his one album because they are all so emotional and fantastic. But for now I can sing 3 all on my own. I basically already had Someone You Loved down before I got the whole album because of hearing it on the radio. I then focused on the two I was most excited to learn, Lost on You (linked below) and Don't Get Me Wrong. I find that the format of his songs are pretty formulaic and predictable (verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge, chorus), but still they are so beautifully written. And he sings with so much emotion. It's funny because I saw a video of him on YouTube and he's this silly, self deprecating Scottish dude, which does not come across in his music.

Surprisingly, I could also sing my way through the entire A Lesson in Romantics album by Mayday Parade. There are so many great songs, and this was early days before Jason Lancaster left so there's song great singing parts. Of all the songs, this one is the one I love to sing the most! I am NOT typing out the title because I'm lazy.

I don't really sing that many New Found Glory songs. Even though it's my favorite band, I feel like it's less fun to sing along to for my voice because Jordan isn't a fancy vocalist. But I sing this one without listening to the track. I have to say of all the songs I like to sing, I've personalized this one the most. I slow it down and sing it a little more sad, more like a moody ballad.

And just in case you were wondering, "does Dayna sing any old timey songs?" why yes, I do a version of Serenade in Blue. Not Frank's, but a version.

I could also sing along to all of the Paramore songs that I know. (Disclaimer, I stopped listening to them after Brand New Eyes because the Farro brothers left, even though one came back, and I wasn't a fan of the newer stuff). My Heart is my favorite Paramore song to sing. I like how there's like the normal song part of the song. And then time to sing a lot of loud stuff and build and build and build. This one I have to sing relatively early in a session before my throat gets too sore and I can't do the end. I also love singing Let the Flames Begin and That's What You Get. I really want to add CrushCrushCrush to my karaoke rotation. I probably could if I just did it.

I very much love to sing Somebody to Love by Queen. I don't like to sing along because I'm not that good. I sound more like Anne Hathaway's version from Ella Enchanted. :^)


This is one of my favorites by far to sing!! The Save Ferris version of Come on Eileen is amazing and gives so much opportunity for showing off some amazing vocals. This is one I have to be warmed up to do and can't do when too fatigued. I have this song on Rock Band 4, so I've shown off playing that before. I love how the end part has the slower build part that lets me show off the stamina part and then it immediately speeds up to show off more of the power.

And now comes the part of the blog where I had ran out of time yesterday, so it's a new day! That's probably good because I was in a weird headspace yesterday. I really used this blog as a way to (mostly) distract myself from thinking about that stuff. A few of the above songs hit a little to close to what I was thinking about, but I didn't say it so you'll never know what. Hahahaha!!!


Admittedly, the verses in The Good Left Undone by Rise Against are a little faster than I feel comfortable singing. Sometimes when I sing this on my own I slow it down. But I love the emotion and imagery of this song.

Technically I've been singing along with this song, mostly in my car, since it came out. But it really wasn't until earlier this month that I took the time to learn the whole thing. I mostly just liked singing the Amy Lee verse. And then for the rest of the song I never seemed to get the flow of the chorus. But not anymore!! It was actually really easy, so clearly it rattled around in my head. I just needed to focus. Side note, why is it that I like so many rock songs with like violin and the like? I think it's a nice mix of hardness and class.

This is my favorite song to sing of all the songs I sing. I am not really sure how that happened, to be honest. Silverstein is one of my top favorite bands. Obviously it's slow and moody, so that's something I'm all about. I also really enjoy how I can sing the verses with ever increasing amounts of power. Then there's the middle part of the song that just keeps going, so there are multiple different parts of the song with their own enjoyment to sing. My favorite part to sing is the section of the little instrumental break because I really like the lyrics and how that part builds.

I almost didn't include this but I love it so much!! When I listen to this in the car, I have to repeat like 2-3 times.

I am so glad I got over being embarrassed about my talent show anxiety shit show disaster where I bombed this song so bad I stopped singing it for two years. And that is also why I am currently working on getting over my fear of singing in public. I learned now that it takes baby steps, not going from zero to talent show in one go. Ooops.

Meet Virginia by Train is so much fun to sing!! It's not challenging at all and has a nice mix of playfulness and serious emotion. I do my own thing with the end bit that I really like, giving it a little spice.

So I don't know it happened, but I Wanna Dance with Somebody by Whitney Houston became the song I sing in front of people when I get really drunk at some event. I got drunk and sang it at law school prom. I got drunk and sang it in the van back from my friend's bachelorette wine tasting day. It's probably because without some liquid courage, I don't have the confidence to sing this at all, let alone in front of other people. Although on the new TV show Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist, they did a slow version of this song and I now love to sing this song like that. Slowed down it becomes so much more yearning and I really feel that.

I listen to a lot of pop punk bands, and they are not well known for having the best vocals. This is literally the only Yellowcard song on my sing along playlist. But I love singing this one a lot. It's super emotional (shocker) and gives me opportunity to improve on the original vocals since there are lots of powerful moments. I have this song on Rock Band 4 and enjoy playing it for some 5 stars. Side note, also on Rock Band 4 I really like singing The Arms of Sorrow by Killswitch Engage - I haven't gotten that song down yet for my own use, but I rock it in Rock Band.

I almost thought about not including this song because it's an odd place to end this playlist. And let's be real, I feel like I should be embarrassed that I love to sing this song. Like, a lot. But I'm not ever going to embarrassed by my musical tastes. Plus, I don't really think I sing many songs that are sexy, and I think this is sexy AF, so I need to bring a little of that to this, right?

So clearly this list is hardly inclusive of everything that I like to sing. And I'm adding new songs all the time. But I thought it was a great representation. Not sure anyone made it this for, but if you did, thanks!