There's always been a part of that is a little jealous of simple people. And I don't mean intellectually, but like people whose personalities are very straightforward, easily discernable on the surface, and consistently predicable. I have always been a social chameleon. I adjust my behavior to match that of the social situation to better adapt. It's not that anything I say or do is ever fake, it's just that I've never 100% me 100% of the time. As a complex, layered person, I never find all of the pieces fit into most of the situations I find myself in. I only have a small group of family and close friends that get to see multiple pieces of me in a small period of time, or at all. And it's not like I don't want to be open with more people, or that not being 100% at certain times says anything negative about the people, it's just takes the right circumstances and lots of time to get there.
I don't know it's I've mentioned this before (or 100 times before), but in my youth I used to make every new group of friends think they corrupted me because I am always quiet and shy when meeting new people, so disinclined to reveal the more provocative aspects of my humor. I love all sorts of humor - bad puns, dry, witty, dirty, morbid, macabre - so there's plenty to work with in any situation, but with some stuff you gotta know (or not be afraid of) your audience.
At earlier points in my life, while I've had different social circles that I ran with, they mostly happen sequentially, not simultaneously. I was a different flavor of self with my High School friends, versus my sorority friends, versus my law school classmates, versus my coworkers. By the time a new group came along, the people in the older either (1) became close like family to transcend the group self that I was, or (2) fell out of touch with enough to not be involved in my day to day, if at all. And while I still may experience "revertigo" and transition into a former version of self when seeing some people, that's rare enough to not worry my universal identity.
These days I find myself in this weird state where I simultaneously run in different social circles and it creates some discomfort about who I am. I find I am most comfortable with myself in my work setting. Maybe it's because I've been there longer than I've been pretty much anywhere in the last 20 years. But I think a lot of it comes from work is where I've developed most of my skills and confidence. Multiple times I've pointed to areas for improvement and goals, and then worked on them to tangible results. Not only do I perform tasks and analysis very well, my soft skills are ballin'! But most often there's a veil of secrecy around personal life stuff to some extent because you have to be professional. And as someone who is already naturally slow to open up, I find professionalism a great excuse to wall of certain topics or aspects of my personality. Like many people I work with know I do improv, but only a few have made it out to a show, and I usually don't feel comfortable sharing topics of scenes that I might do. The emotional intelligence is strong with this one.
I find playing Pokemon Go and interacting with that social group almost an antidote to my work persona. Not only does playing PoGo help with mental health and getting active, but I find myself allowed to turn things off that stress me out. I walk a middle path - I'm not one of the top players that everyone knows and I'm not a casual noob - and that feels great! While I love the work I do and I appreciate the trust and respect people see in me by trusting that I know answers to things, it is nice to do something where that person is someone very specifically NOT me. It's nice that the conversations stick pretty much to Pokemon. When the conversation strays, I find myself being vague and definitely downplaying things I do outside PoGo. One of the people I play with often had a similar job title in the same industry as me, so I purposefully failed to explain the vast differences in the work we actually do, or that I was promoted out of that job title 6 months ago. I'm afraid standing out too much will distract from the freedom of playing a fun game.
I've noticed something recently that's being to bother me, which occurs more often as I socialize with people around comedy stuff. I cannot easy explain my job. When someone asks me what I do, I struggle with where to start because not matter where I start it's not full enough of a picture. Well, actually a lot of times I start with "I'm technically a lawyer and I have a law license but I don't practice." Yes, I passed the bar. Yes, I keep up a license just in case I may need it one day, for personal or professional reasons. But no, I don't do law for a career, although the training I received from law school is a big asset, even sometimes with the most random of tasks. But otherwise, do I start with saying "I do Change Management"? Because I didn't know what that was until I started at my company. Or do I mention the industry? Because people make assumptions about what work the entails or asks questions about very different departments that I know nothing about because there's a LOT going on! Or do I start with that I work on a technology team and we deal with a lot of automation? But that comes with other assumptions that are wrong without context, and since I do the training and other stuff around the tech, I feel obliged to give more information. And no matter where I start, I go through all 3 pieces, and I am pretty sure I've lost people at that point anyway. I don't have a job with an easy label that I can rattle off in 10 seconds or less.
But the funny part is, I kind of like that. If I confuse people and they cannot understand exactly what I do, then I can veil my work persona. I don't have to be the person that answers all the questions and does all the things. I'm not pestered with statements like "is there anything you can't do", because although this may sound like whining perfect for tiny violin playing, it's not really a compliment. It's a lot of pressure, and not everyone I've met in my life has been happy to have me around. Plus, it's one thing to already be a neurotic perfectionist, but when you know other people notice, it can put pressure on that's not maintainable if you cannot learn your boundaries. Yay for boundaries. But then again I worry that I do myself and others a disservice for downplaying myself. And outside of my PoGo crew, it's hard for people not to catch on that I'm smart. I guess I'm still trying to find the balance with not trying to take up space that I don't deserve with putting different things out there because I have a different life experience.
Another interesting occurrence is with confidence. I'm not the kind of person that is confident all the time. I am very specifically confident in things I've proven myself skilled with and have consistent, tangible evidence to point to that I've earned the confidence I have. So it feels very weird to transition in the same week or even in the same day within spaces where I go from forward and confident, to reserved and unsure. Of course it doesn't help that I've been working through some serious anxiety issues. And sometimes the feelings might spill over. On a good day I may tell myself that I've proven with other skills I can get better and do really well if I work hard and dedicate myself, so you go girl and get it! But on bad day I may tell myself that if I'm still sucking at something, maybe I actually suck at other things and should be worried. Imposter syndrome is real!!
My hope is that a year from now, five years from now, or however long from now that I read this again, if ever, I will look back at this and think how adorably silly I was. And at this time I will have it all figured out and will have a nice list of accomplishments and fun memories to smile on. And I'll be so proud of myself for self improving, and I'll probably be working on other skills I don't have - like writing or romance or raising small humans or ruling the world - who knows?!
