Why do I even have a blog? I used to have a different one, where I'd share all my random thoughts. But this blog seems like 1/3 "I did some things" and another 2/3 "I'm sad and now I am going to whine about it". And I am pretty sure all 2/3 of those blog say the same things over and over, only I don't remember or care because I don't reread them.
I felt like it's been awhile, so I've decided to eat pizza and blog because it keeps my head from exploding sometimes. Otherwise, the thing that usually keeps my head from exploding is the fact that I don't think heads actually explode (at least not of their own accord). Pro pizza tip - don't put your oven mitt down on top of your pizza, unless you like greasy oven mitts. I think this lesson teaches us something both literal and metaphorical, maybe.
So, now a couple hours have gone by between those paragraphs and this. And also gone is my urge to wax poetic in an endless stream of whines and quasi-insightful crap about feelings and shit. Instead, I think I am going to express all my brain-bending, anxiety inducing thoughts into a series of (possibly rhetorical) questions. Here this goes!
Does my brain have an off switch? If yes, where? If no, is it missing or broken? Or did my brain model just not come with one?
Am I mentally capable of NOT stressing or being anxious over thoughts? If I don't have anything to ruminate about, am I even me anymore? Should I create a stressor in my immediate life to stop from stressing over other things?
Is politics over yet? Can I sue the President for emotional distress? Should the Federal Government subsidize Trump induced anxiety and depression? But serious, IS THIS OVER YET?!?!?! Is all hope gone?! Can voting places give people condolence ice cream? Again, is all hope gone?!?!?!
Why do I just loathe unloading the dishwasher, but don't mind loading it? Shouldn't I prefer the not gross chore? What does this say about me?
Are Liberal who preach tolerance for other religions but talk mad trash on Christianity really tolerant about religion? And do Conservatives who malappropriate Christianity for their political purposes not bring the mistreatment on themselves? And what about those of us stuck in the middle? Do we not get a voice; can we not be outraged by both actions?
If I become wholesale intolerant of a group because my open-mindedness hates others' intolerance, am I not a kettle to that pot? Are people not complex? Does one polarized label really ever define anyone?
What do you do when the thing you've worked your butt of for finally happened? Do I need a next thing already, or can I just be happy with the current thing? And when did I become this confident work person that actually feels most at self-ease while on the job? Does this make me a responsible adult now?
Why don't I talk more about my job with groups of people that I've met since I've worked there? Is it because of work/life balance? Or do I worry about ostracizing myself? Or is my ego afraid people outside of work won't think I'm as impressive as people inside work? Does that sound arrogant? Am I an arrogant person? But seriously, should I even share personal details with people I only know through Pokemon Go? Isn't it more important to focus solely on the uniting experience that is Pokemon Go?
How do you say "I miss you" to someone I don't even know ever really knew how much I actually cared? Or am I the one who never knew? And how long until it doesn't even matter anymore?
How does gravity work? Do you know? Does science even know?
Are there too many rules in my head? Have I become so self aware that I've defined myself by a set of rules (I like this, I believe that), that I have forgotten how to just BE me? But seriously, where is my brain's off switch?
Why are there so many games in a baseball season? Is the motto quantity over quality?
How does one tell if someone is interest in them romantically? Am I too old to learn that? Why is "my friend likes your friend" so underrated? Why do societal norms have to make so many men miss out on the awesomeness it would be having me as a girlfriend? Why don't men see how obvious it is that pretty, dumb girls make them miserable? Have then never seen other couples shopping?
Am I actually funny? Do people actually like me? Does it seem too needy or too ungracious to ask those things aloud? How do you tell the difference between wanting to quit because you're just being a whiny quitter, and quitting because it's the right thing to do for a wrong fit? And why do you ask that question when you already know the answer, you dumb, whiny quitter?
Does it feel better, in the brain region, to ask questions without answering them? Or does it just mean you have a LOT to do tonight instead of sleeping?
Why can't I hate the player AND the game? Isn't this especially useful for sports that allow overtime? WHY CAN'T OTHER SPORT TIE?!?! What's wrong with being just as good as the other team?
Why does everyone smoke weed now? What are other people's thoughts about pro- or anti-weed smoking rules when it comes to interpersonal relationships? Can weed mess up your brain like LSD can (assuming no LSD in the weed)? Do people ever have weed trips years after?
Is there anything wrong with listening to Ed Sheeran all the time? Would it change your answer if I promised it doesn't make me cry that much anymore? If a fun song used to make me sad, but doesn't anymore, can I listen to it 100 times in a row? Will that drive me literally insane?
Would I do well on Survivor? Or am I too nice? Would there be interest in a Survivor/Biggest Loser crossover TV show?
If the market crashes, and I lose all of my 401k, was it a mistake to save for retirement instead of paying down my student loan? Why are houses so expensive? Why am I millennial? Why couldn't I just have been born dumb and hot, instead of the opposite? Is that easier or harder, or just the same but different?
It's June 30th and I cannot believe that 2018 is already half over! I had every intention to blog at the end of every month, but look how that turned out. To be fair, I had a lot of optimism in January that mostly blew up or faded away in the rest of the year, and I'm trying NOT to make my blog completely "oh I'm soooo sad, wah wah wah!" So this blog is meant to catch people up on 2018 Q1 & Q2 happenings in as quickly and as low whiny as possible. But no promises.
Let's start with work, because that's a big part of my life. If you remember from the last blog (which I doubt b/c other than my BFF, who even reads these, right? just kidding if you read these and aren't my BFF, I love you for reading my blog, PLEASE DON'T STOP!!), I may have hinted to stuff that happened early February when I wrote it, but kept facts to Jan to not ruin the peppy vibe! Well, February started with a bang! And by bang, I mean a super painful, rough reorg! I've now survived 4-6 reorgs in my 5 years. This one may have been the 2nd most rough.
I've noticed that company reorganizations are a lot like natural disasters. It starts where maybe you feel like something's happening somewhere you cannot see, but you can definitely feel it. But when it finally happens it hit hard and fast. Everyone is disorientated. People immediately check to see if they are in danger. Some people are just in shock while others try to reassure those around them even if they think they aren't safe. Then rumors start to fly as people are all "did you hear about so and so? Did you see this, that, or the other thing?" And once the dust starts to settle, people reach out over email, text, IM to say they are okay. And you start to hear about people that didn't make it. Then once all of the damage is done and it's over, people get together to reassure those who survived and talk through what happened. With typing this, it can sound pretty insensitive about real disasters, as those are REALLY bad. But that just makes me think maybe there's something to be done to make sure people are NOT super traumatized by something as 1st-wordly as company reorgs. But to also be fair, people's biological lives aren't at stake, but their personal and professional could be. So I'll just go with my metaphor because whatever.
I am in an interesting place right now with work. I've worked for years to get skills around Change Management because that's what I've learn I am passionate about. And after the recovery from the reorg, and being sad about losing a particularly wonderful and amazing grand-boss, I know that things are better than they were. And I finally got my Change Management Certification and training! I was a little worried going, because I had wanted to do it for so long I worried I would be disappointed. But it was even better than I hoped! Such a rewarding experience! The difficulty is now I don't feel like my role is where I want it to be, now that I have it. On the one hand, I am very excited and feel blessed to have worked so hard to get somewhere and people saw that and are finally letting me do that. On the other hand, I feel like there is still so much I need to incorporate into my roll that I feel overwhelmed because I am already too busy doing what needs to get done to add more. But then on the third hand, people don't fully know what Change Management means, so in my coworker's minds I'm doing great and a lot of stuff! But then again on yet another hand, I am not going to development my full set of skills if I don't introduce and use those skills I learned. And I am sure there are other points that I worry about too, and suddenly I have 5-6 different hands to consider and I don't have that many hands!!! Plus there's the part of me that knows two years ago I went from a really rough situation into a situation that was rough in completely different ways. So while I am super happy for where the team is now and the future looks much brighter, I cannot help but worry that I've been battered too much for too long to recover. I see psychological damage in places and people from all the rough stuff in these last 5 years, and I cannot help think that maybe I have too much baggage too. But being one not to give up, as long as I see myself still contributing positively, people still see value in what I do, and I feel like I can continue to grow, I'm going to give it my 100% best on the outside (even if on the inside sometimes I'm dragging or hella unsure).
And now it's a little after midnight July 7th and I'm returning to this post because I don't start over, mostly b/c I am too lazy and it's after midnight.
Let's talk about fun stuff! If only for a little bit. It's been a good year for going to concerts! Let's break down the shows I've seen so far:
January - I saw Silverstein again. Such a great band! So glad they played the song below - it's from their most recent album, which is very excellent!
March - I finally got to see A Day to Remember! They put on such a great show! As for the opening bands, I skipped The Devil Wears Prada b/c I don't care. Falling in Reverse was pretty good. I did not know Ronnie Radke is now RIPPED!! Like as a person he seems like a really arrogant douche bag, but he's so pretty and now super jacked, so that's hot. Papa Roach also opened for ADTR. Pretty sure Papa Roach should have stopped making music a LONG time ago - they did NOT age well.
April - I finally got to see In This Moment. They also put on a spectacular show. It's an interesting visual because the band guys are really dirty, scary looking metal dudes, whereas the lead singer is this hot blonde with very Lady Gaga like costumes with many wardrobe changes. And their music is soooo good! The only down side was this hella drunk as old lady who wouldn't stop dancing all over the place and almost hitting me in the face. Whatever. My pictures are all pretty bad, as the show sold out and I couldn't get a good view. But they played this newer song I really like!
June 2nd - I saw Maroon 5! Great show! And it was nice to be able to sit in seats and watch a show, instead of having to crowd w/ a bunch of people and wear their swear.
June 23rd - I went to the final year of Warped Tour and wore a lot of my own sweat! Thanks Mountain View for having some of the hottest temps for the area on that day. But I had a lot of fun, despite the heat. The best part of starting and ending the day by seeing two bands I like that I haven't seen before, Ice Nine Kills and State Champs, respectively. I also saw Issues and Crown the Empire again. Sadly CtE just doesn't put on as good a show since losing their unclean vocalist. I also watched a few other random bands simply because they were playing on stages where shade was available. I didn't stay to see All Time Low because they were last, I needed to get home at a decent hour, and I just saw them last year. Plus I may see them again later this year with Dashboard Confessional - still thinking about it.
I just have to say that Spencer Charnas is so fucking hot!! And I know you're thinking, wow that's not the kind of guy I thought a goodie-two-shoes, sorority girl genius lawyer would go for. What can I say, I've got layers. Not that I've ever liked a guy like that IRL. Probably because I don't really know any hard core rock dudes w/ tats and piercings, and well paying career stability. Because career stability is sexy too!
INK has a new song too! And a new album later this year. Score!
State Champs was also very good. I also purchased their most recent album and need to listen to it. They have a much different vibe. #PunkPopIsNotDead.
Later this year - I also bought tickets to see The Front Bottoms later this year in Sac, which I am SUPER stoked about b/c they are AMAZING!!
What else have I been up to in the last few months? Let me bullet point some random activities before I get back to the melodrama! Oh, and just assume that I am leaving out a LOT of Pokemon Go playing, for your protection.
February:
I visited family in Arizona. Oddly enough, it rained most of the time.
I saw Jersey Boys at the Sac Broadway. I did not realize the Four Seasons were the criminal types. And the swearing! Hahahaha.
I went to the dentist a couple times. Thrilling, I know!
March:
For my trip to see A Day to Remember, I took the day off and spent the rest of the day in The City. I even made it to the wharf between rain storms!
We had a really fun All Hands were Escape Sacramento came and did this team building activity with logic puzzle and competition! I may have done some things I am not proud of in the name of winning. But don't give me your puzzle paper if you don't expect to pay to get it back later. Muahahahaha! #NoRegrets.
I finished my 3rd improv class.
April:
I went to Improv auditions. That was fun but scary. Luckily everyone was super nice. And I went in the first earlier group so I didn't have to worry all day. Although I really should have gone home after the post-auditions Mewtwo Ex Raid, for reasons I may or may not get into below.
I went to my Prosci Change Management training in Aptos. SOOOOO AMAZING!! And I got a lot of free books! I LOVE BOOKS!!!
May:
I heard back that I made improv auditions, and started doing weekly Wednesday Harold Night! YAY!
We had a fun 2-day All Hands in The City. It was pretty great. We did a Brazilian barbecue. OMG! You just sit at your table and they bring around all kinds of meat! SO MUCH MEAT! That first night we then went and sang karaoke, because when 2 different directors tell you they heard a rumor you were going to sing karaoke for everyone, you kind of have to do it, even if it was a surprise to you. Life lesson - it's harder to sing after eating a bunch of meat.
I volunteered at the Puentes community garden in Stockton as part of a work community service event. We planted trees! It was a lot of fun!
Our team said goodbye to two amazing coworkers, who are already on to bright things! But we sent them off in style by going to an escape room. We literally had seconds to go when we escaped! It was a team effort, but I will take credit for sweeping through the 3rd and final room in the last 10 minutes. Good thing I know poker and math!! :^)
June:
One of my fav people had a baby shower!! I cannot wait to meet her baby!!
I had a birthday! We did an escape room! Sadly we solved the last puzzle seconds after the time ran out. But at least we got to solve all the puzzles. We did the Seance Room at Escape Sacramento. The ambiance was hella creepy, which I loved! I cannot wait for the next one!
My mom and I had our first show for our Music Circus season tickets - Singing in the Rain. It was really good - they literally made it rain in doors! Too bad the lead actor was just an okay dancer, especially with the what seemed like 2 hour dance sequence at the end.
My little brother and his wife visited, so I got to spend quality time with them.
I watched a lot of the Bachelorette with my BFF, because sometimes you need wine, nail polish, and girl time.
And here we are again at July!! Fun times! Well, actually, sometimes but not always. Admittedly the last few months have been interesting. It's funny - sometime in early/mid May I had this moment where I really felt contented about my life, which doesn't really happen a lot since I am really a future focused person, not a present focused one. And in that moment I refused to think about the other shoe dropping. I don't really think that happened, but I do find it funny how not long after that I actually entered into a period of really high anxiety. I think the tipping point was learning that my roommate was going to move out of state in July, so I had 3 months of stressing about what the future looks like. Luckily with 3 weeks to go, everything is fine now - I have a roommate figured out and an apartment on hold. But right at the beginning there was a lot of stress because I've been paying down my student loans, and I cannot continue that and live by myself. And if I stop the extra payments now, I will eventually lose the momentum I've gained. So that definitely weighed on me. You should see the spreadsheet I have will all the numbers! Because of course there's a spreadsheet.
And more than that I've just been stressed about life in general. Like there's work, as described above, which is positive, but always crazy because we seem to thrive on the crazy there. And I say that with love. Plus, all the drama with the world and the country has really worn me down. I definitely spiraled down this hole of is there any good in the world, and does anything mean anything, and are people really just terrible all the time. I don't believe that, even when bad people make bad use of good institutions. I just think that the goodness in the world a lot of the time happens at the local level, which doesn't make headlines. And at least a lot of the badness is bringing out equal or greater goodness in others (or at least I think so). I have just learned to detached when I need to do so.
I also have been having some stress about where is my life heading. A number of months ago I told myself that it's very likely I will be single forever, and one day I will have to embrace that fact. But at that time I told myself I can make life decisions agnostic to whether or not I end up married with kids, so I don't have to live that fact yet. But a couple months ago occurrences happened that made me think I should embrace that fact. Except for I learned that actively telling yourself you will never find true love and maybe not ever have kids, while also going through all the other stress above, maybe isn't the best thing, especially as I am a hopeless romantic. People I know don't think this is true, and probably don't believe that I really think this. I truly don't know, although lately I do wish that I could just stop being attracted to guys because that would make the being alone forever thing easier. Because hypothetically it's hard when say you randomly meet some guy and think "oooh he's cute" and think you'll never see him again, but he randomly pops up, but not in a "there's oppurtunity to casually chat" sort of way, and you want to ask around but you don't want that out there b/c no one is ever going to be interested anyway, so why bother.
Plus, I am engaging in new activities, and it's really hard when you're an introvert and you try new group things, and it's like suddenly "here are your 30+ new friends". Because I really like people, and I am social, but I am also REALLY introverted. So I tend to get to know people 1 on 1, and slower than say an extrovert. So the more new people around, the more awkward and uncomfortable I feel. And I want people to like me! I don't need EVERYONE to like me, just enough people to feel like I'm not some loner loser that no one likes. Plus, I am still really new to new things, so I want to ask around to make sure I'm not bringing everyone down. But I'm not comfortable with that either. So I just sit around alone, worried that I suck at everything, because that's better than being annoying, especially if I don't actually suck because no one wants to be THAT person who whines about being bad at things they are not bad at. I also fully recognize that I have a lot of stress right now so I may be just overwhelmed and nothing is really wrong. But if it is, there's always the going away and never talking to people again option, which is also calming.
I am finally back to actually being able to sleep. Because in late May/early June when I was at the apex of feeling overwhelmed, I couldn't sleep because I would lie awake at night getting anxious over nightmare scenarios about any- and everything. And even after I was able to stop thinking about things that made me anxious, I still got anxious just getting into bed because I was anxious that I was going to think about things that made me anxious. And then I was just anxious about getting anxious, so I couldn't sleep. Seriously, it is the stupidest thing ever. Luckily I am ALMOST done with that. *knocks on wood* Now I am in the stage where I don't want to get out of bed because I am finally feeling like I am catching up on over a month's worth of bad sleep. Aren't you glad you read this far? Really, you should have stopped at the music videos.
Oddly enough, I find editing my giant book about depression is a great way to distract myself from thinking about things that make me anxious. I am actually 1/3 of the way through editing, which is a huge surprise because first I didn't think I would actually finish writing it in the first place. And then after not looking at it for a year, I was pretty convinced it would sit in my computer forever to be seen no more. I think since I am not a real writer, the editing is actually kind of fun. I am sure it's only fun because I don't have any deadlines, and since no one is going to read it, I could be making terrible edits and no one can tell me it sucks! Hahaha!! The problem though is that I can't stop telling people I wrote a book, so more people think I should get it published. And it's not that I don't want to do that, it's just that right now in my life I am not sure I am the most confident about anything, so I don't really want to be disappointed. It also doesn't help that recently I had a dream that my BFF confessed she really didn't like it. I don't think that's true, because we have a solid relationship of tactful honesty, and that really wasn't the type of dream I have that comes true. But still. Did you read about all the stress above?
Well, that concludes this really long blog post. If you made it this far, I feel it would not be unreasonable for you to request some kind of baked good or coffee as compensation for your time. Too bad all you get is my appreciation. At least I can end this with an honest assessment that I think things are on the uptick, and I've been only feeling better these last couple of weeks. Having a living plan for post July helps! Of course, if I find out that everyone does hate me, I'm curious to see what the next blog will bring! Just kidding! It'll be fine!
Oh shit! I realized I alluded to something in the bullets I never explained. Ok, going to try to make this quick. After improv additions, I played some Pokemon Go, despite being really mentally and socially exhausted. One of the regular players asked me for my number, and being exhausted and clueless to these things, I gave it to him. We texted a couple times, which were painful because we really couldn't find anything to converse about. I am pretty sure he was only interested because I have red hair, which spoiler alert, is not my natural color. It's REALLY freaking weird for me to say he only liked me for my looks. Because that's not a thing that's happened. I was finally done even trying when after only 3-4 short text convos he asked me what I thought about having his babies. Ummm, if you knew anything about me, I'm NOT forward at all, you don't know anything about me other than (1) I like Pokemon Go, and (2) you saw me one time singing in my car. So I drafted a long text about how I've got a lot going on, which is SUPER true, and how I didn't want to cause drama in the Pokemon Go group - yes, that was a real concern. But he's a nice guy so it's been no big deal, and from the sounds of it while out playing, he's definitely pulling in the ladies, so it's not a thing. And that's the story of the only man in history to ever show interest in me.
How is it that a whole month of 2018 is already over? I was right when I told myself that if I just stuck to my good habits, time would go by quickly with positive results. And as part of that, I decided to at least blog once a month to talk about my life progress - good bad or indifferent. I am going to try very hard to not let the first few days of February color my recap of January. It's amazing how things can change so quickly! You'll just have to wait for the February debrief for THAT!
I really see 2018 as the year some things finally settle into place. From reading my 2016 blogs, you know THAT year suuuuuuuuuuucked!! I saw 2017 as a building year - some things got better, some things just got built in the background, and only a few things suuuucked. For 2018, I want to use that momentum to really launch!
I have 3 major goals for 2018: (1) pay down my student loans, (2) be healthier, and (3) do something about my novel.
Number one is pretty self-explanatory, if no fun. I want to just put away extra money on my loans. I am not sure in the future whether I will buy a house and be a lonely spinster, or buy a house for a family I start. But right now I am deciding not to worry about my long term life choices, and instead just focus on finances I have now. No matter what the future brings, paying down loans is a good idea. Psychologically I want to pay down the little ones, but the bigger ones have the highest interest rate. Ugg, it sucks that money logic doesn't jive with what feels good in the brain. I have to let me cerebrum overrule my amygdala.
Number two is a constant thing on my list. But this year it just feels different. 2017 was really about developing better habits. I know that if I want to lose weight and take better care of myself, I have to play the mental game as well as the physical. From experience and reading, I know that dieting just doesn't work. And in the past I felt like mentally trying to get in shape was exhausting. So, my focus was on doing good habits that changed how I thought about things, without being hard on myself. It wasn't about being good all the time - it was about making good health habits fun or at least lazy. And I made some great progress! Even when I backslide and stopped paying attention, I still maintained the weight I lost, even if my hopes were loftier than reality. It just proved I developed lasting habits that when I was on life autopilot, those habits stuck!
What were my good habits? Well, they were things that were fun or easy. I developed a love of hummus. Seriously, I eat hummus for dinner at least 3 nights a week. If I run out of hummus, I get very sad. :^( I'd rather have no toilet paper than no hummus. I also started getting one of those farm delivery boxes. True, it's probably more expensive and I could buy those fruits and veggies at a store. But it's super fun every week getting to pick what's in my farm box. And then fun when it arrives and I remember what I ordered! Plus, produce changes over the year, so new things become available. And while I've force eaten a lot of kale this last 14 months, I am getting healthy greens, so it's ok. I just need to learn to bring my salad dressing home when my office does the monthly refrigerator clean out. Ooooh, and let's talk cauliflower. I am now heartily obsessed with cauliflower, so I'll eat it once a week. Fun fact! If you eat vegetables, you don't have to feel hungry all the time! You can eat yourself stuffed with cauliflower! Yum! Also, for the calories of one candy bar, you can eat like 50 pickles. You know, in case you're so inclined.
I have also been getting more exercise. I do a LOT of walking. And as you probably well know, that's all thanks to Pokemon Go! I don't care if it's weird, or lame, or whatever word you want to use to disparage a kind and dedicated group of people. But I take a weekly 3 mile walk around downtown each Sunday, plus many misc. walks during the week and weekend just to catch Pokemon. It gets me out of the house, and I've met some really cool people. Also, this year I've realized I could watch Netflix on my phone while at the gym! As a genius who's technologically inclined, I am surprised it took this long to think of this idea. I am currently watching Stranger Things, and I am only allowed to watch it when I go to the gym. Unfortunately, due to work travel and other commitments, I average 1-2 episodes a week. I once left my headphones in my desk because I didn't think I'd need them, since I wasn't using my iPod, completely forgetting I needed them for my Netflix watching.
I think the biggest difference with 2018 in January is the healthy habits just seemed easier. Instead of dreading January to come to start a News Years resolution, I was looking forward to the start so I could switch wall calendars to one that is easier to track progress. Plus, if I eat out less, I not only help lose weight, but that's more money for my student loan! Yay! (Oddly enough, NOT a sarcastic yay!) I know that after January is going to be rough, because progress stalls or goes backwards. It also doesn't help being a woman where hormones and menstruation throw off weight. Oh, and I learned that an adult over 5 feet tall can carry up to 25 pounds of poop in their body. So if you, say, have a slowdown in your regularity when eating healthier, your fat lose could be counterbalanced in poop weight. Just food for thought. Oh, and for good health habits, I also quit smoking - surprise! Just one bad day in the last 49, so that's great!
Number three is the only thing I have yet to make a start on. I would like to do something with my novel. I always wanted to write one. But honestly, the entire time from the initial concept 10+ years ago, to the 4-5 starts and stops, and all through the two years it took to actually write it, I never really thought I would finish. I absolutely expected myself to give up or stop caring. So boy as I surprised last April (or what is March?) when I actually finished. Granted, it probably needs edits, but it exists in it's entirety! And the hard part too is when I told people "oh sure, you can read it, when it's finished" and in reality had no expectation to finish - it was just going to be this thing I brought up in conversation occasionally to sound cool. The problem is, it's really fucking personal, and really depressing, especially right off the bat. Eventually you get to the guillotine part and the creepy ghost children and the snails turning into vines. But you have to get past the initial "oh fuck, what is happening!" This is a great time to reminder people that individuals of my Myers Briggs type (INFJ in case you forgot, hahahaha) tend to have some hidden darkness within. Like I've said - you some people are are all cold and off putting on the outside, but you realize they are actually warm and caring on the inside? I'm like the opposite of that. Muahahahaha!!
So I am really at a decision point with the novel. I have ideas for edits, and a desire to see if anyone wants to publish it. I am not sure if I can even write, but then Twilight got three books published, so there's that. I think I expected more people to actually read it than did. I think I got 1 of 5 to finish, (I give a legit excuse to 1, because that's what BFFs are for!). I guess I don't like the idea of putting myself out there to more people or strangers if some people close to me haven't even weighed in. I do appreciate that one friend who read it and gave positive comments! Yay! I have also been afraid to give it to any relatives, just because it's really personal. Like, if friends of mine go "wtf" then I can just never be friends with them again. But not really inclined to do that with my family. Of course I don't want to do that with my friends either. But like, if necessary, you do what you gotta do. ;^) It's just a struggle because one part of me really worries about putting myself out there, both having people read something I wrote and because once you let stuff about yourself out into the world people can't unknow the information. Plus, what if I never have an idea for anything else worth writing - not sure I want to be a one hit wonder. On the other hand, this has been a dream of mine for a LONG time! And I don't want to give up from fear. Plus, as a society we are really having a moment right now with being open about mental illness, and I would love to contribute something to that conversation, albeit in an interesting fantasy genre nightmare kind of way. :^) I think I just need to drop myself back into my world to reaffirm my commitment. Frankly, it turned out a lot better than I expected, even if it needs works.
Now that I've set the ground layer of "what am I doing for 2018" I've actually done some other things, than just play Pokemon go, work, go to the gym, and eat cauliflower (although that was a good chunk of my month!). I say the musical Something Rotten, and it had one of the dudes from Rent! so that was cool! I got to see my BFF rock some Irish dance competitions. Because when you're an adult, sometimes you can do whatever the fuck you want, as long as you have to drive and commitment to try! And she won a bunch of shiny metals, so yay!! I started my third round of improv classes, which is going very well. It's a lot of fun. I have something I enjoy doing that's not a by myself at home activity (unlike reading, writing, video games, singing, Christmas stocking sewing). It's the only thing I do outside my house that's not work or Pokemon Go! Hahahaha! Towards the end of the month I saw Silverstein again in concert. AND best thing ever! I bought a pink band shirt!!! Loud rock bands never sell pink shirts!! If my personality was a t-shirt, it is this t-shirt. It's pink, a nice peppy girly color! And it's for a loud rock band, and says the word "dead" a couple of times on it! Woot woot!
I only read one book in January, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, because after reading 52 books in 2017 I wanted to (1) bring the reading pace to a screeching halt, and (2) read something I've already read before. I've accomplished both!! But, if you know me, I have a habit of tying the books I read into my daily life, or into other books I've read, or somehow find something to think about from books. Granted, I'm an over thinker anyway, so books just give me new material. But since I haven't read any new books, I've been thinking about things read in past books. Like recently I have been thinking a lot about how my work book club read Quiet, the book about being an introvert. I found it interesting how in the book and in the room of book club people that many couples are one extrovert and one introvert. And I get that - historically I have been attracted to extroverts (or introverts who've either developed their social skills or who drink themselves into social skills). I see the appeal to having that opposite handy. Es can help bring Is out of their shells and give them an anchor to latch onto in uncomfortable settings. Is can be shy, mysterious, or slow to attract, which maybe for Es is a fun challenge. But lately I've been thinking about the difficult challenges of an I chasing an I. Like two Es seems super easy, because they can both be more outgoing and can vibe together. Maybe there's too much energy there, idk, but whatever. That will never be me, so who cares. But the two Is thing is a challenge. Two people more inclined to be in their heads and less likely to initiate things. I asked my best friend, who is in a two I relationship, how the hell do you make that happen?! And essentially she said I may have to be the E in situations. Ummmm, that sounds terrifying. B/c I assume when you're an E, you just say and do whatever comes to you right off the bat, so if you're talking to someone you like, it's whatever goes - no thinking, just doing. But when you're an I, it's all "think, think, think, maybe do, OMG what did I do, think, think, think." And if two people are doing that at the same time, there's a lot of chance for some awkward silence or running away in opposite directions. Plus, in my head I'm all "does my presence even register? If so, is it a more awkward making one because there's interest and that's nerve wrecking, or because there's a dislike and eww gross I should go away and stop being a bother." I don't think Es get this worked up in their heads beforehand (but maybe after they say something dumb). So yeah, I can get why it's easier for an I to end up with an E, b/c someone's more likely to do the chasing. I'm more likely to do covert glances and sit in awkward silences.
But hey, 2018 is about personal growth and making things awesome, so maybe less thinking and more doing. We'll see where that gets me!
And here we are at the end of another year. And 2017 has been an interesting one! Last year I wrote a blog ending 2016, located here, where I answered a number of questions. So, to end 2017, I decided to answer the same questions, and see how this year turned out.
1. What made you feel the most alive this year?
I guess I would have to say stepping out of myself and trying new things. Anything that gets me out of my head and into the world around me.
2. How did you surprise yourself in 2017?
I was a lot more social in 2017. I know I am socially awkward, and meeting new people makes me super anxious, but sometimes I forget that meeting new people isn't that hard when the setting is right. I met some really cool people playing Pokemon Go all around downtown Sacramento. I also met so awesome people doing improv comedy. 3. What did you do this year that you regret?
Probably the biggest thing I regret is nothing unusual - not reaching out to people when I need to talk. I feel like there were times this year I could have used a friendly ear, or just more time around people, but I didn't really reach out. Everything is fine, just I think I spent too much time by myself in just the last couple months that I needed more social time. 4. What made you cry the hardest this year?
I realized, after having spent so much time crying in 2016, that I think crying has become a go to stress/emotions relief. So pretty much anything can make me cry these days. Hahaha, oh. Not to say that I am crying all the time, just that say the day is stressful, I find it easier to release if I cry even if it's not really a sad thing. Of course, I would have to say loneliness was what made me cry the hardest this year. I know that I am not alone, in an absolute sense, but really I just worry that maybe I'm not meant to find someone. The holidays are especially hard because I used to think that when I get older I would host holidays because I'd have a family for people to join. Since it's just my mom and me in town these days, now I just see decades of holidays not sure where to go, or if there will be anyone, because I really worry I will never have a family of my own. And more timely than that, I just really wish I had someone to be my person that I could talk to after a long day and to take care of. It's just rough thinking I'll never get that.
5. Which friends have been there for you the most in 2017?
Same as last year. I am glad to still have the same friends in my life. :) 6. What are you most grateful for as this year draws to a close?
I am grateful that it's never too late to try something new or for things to change. I just look at how bad last year was, and how well I like this year, so things don't suck forever.
7. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
I am definitely happier, for sure! I didn't have a bunch of negative things happening to drag the year down. I had a full year on an amazing team at work that I love! I took 2 improv comedy classes that were really fun and maybe will lead to something more long term. I am finally ready to put some stuff behind me and see in what new ways I can reinvent my life, while sticking with what work already.
8. What did you do to take care of yourself this year?
I developed some healthy habits that I hope will launch me into an even better 2018! I took 2017 as a time to develop some habits that are health positive in a way that didn't feel like a burden - healthier eating, more exercise. While I did not stay as on track as I wanted, and did not meet goals I wanted, I did make some important improvements habits wise that will lay the foundation for more rigor in the new year.
9. Where was the best place you traveled to this year?
I only travelled to Oregon this year, and it rained nearly the entire time!
10. What did you do for the first time in 2017?
Improv
11. What did you do for the last time in 2017?
Had to interact with some terrible person I never have to see again! YAY!!!
12. Which days from 2017 will you never forget?
I really loved our department All Hands in March where I did my presentation on Myers Briggs. I loved sharing something I am really interested in with our huge team, plus the fact that everyone really enjoyed my presentation felt amazing! I will also never forget my two improv class performances. I really missed performing (I used to do theater in high school). Even introverts love a stage sometimes, I guess! Oh, and that time the CEO made me sing "I Will Always Love You" in front of the office, because I was shaking scared of the singing in public but still at least hit that note! (It was a "sing the next lyric" game for a presentation).
13. What did you accomplish this year that you’re proud of?
Well, as mentioned, getting out into the world and meeting new people. Also, work wise just really learning new skills, being there for the people I work with, and really working on my personal brand!
14. Who did you need to forgive this year?
Probably myself. And probably other people for disappointing the sometimes high expectations I put on them, often without them knowing.
15. What were you most afraid of this year?
Dying without really living.
16. How did life surprise you this year?
I don't know it if did.
17. How was this year better than 2016?
In pretty much every way. My new car I bought last July is great, my new landlord is great, I feel better about me, my work situation is much better. Things really picked up.
18. How was this year worse than 2016?
The world is in the shit hole right now, thanks in large part to the terrible president we have. Sometime it's hard to appreciate the positives in my personal life when people are having their civil rights taken away and we may soon be nuclear bombed by North Korea. Sometimes I just want to cut out the news and the world outside my bubble, but that's not the way to go about it - we have to keep fighting back.
19. Who did you miss the most over the past year?
I don't know. Probably just missed seeing lots of people.
20. What was the most valuable thing you spent money on this year?
My student loan! I'm going to spend the next 16 months throwing extra money at it to get it more manageable. 21. What did you waste too much money on this year? Well, maybe Pokemon Go, but I don't see it as a waste because it helps gets me exercise and out of the house. 22. How did you spend your birthday this year? OOOh, I had the BEST birthday this year! I hosted a murder mystery party. The theme was an old west saloon where someone was murdered at the poker tournament that my saloon was hosting. I had a bunch of my fav people there, plus meant some new great friends of friends. I can't wait until the next one! 23. What was the best book you read in 2017?
OMG, I don't even know! I challenged myself this year to finish a book a week, so I could clear off my "to read" shelf of books. So I read 52 books. I don't even know how to figure out which was the best, as I don't know if I could even remember all the books I read this year!! But, if I had to pick, it was probably Ready Player One! I originally got it because my little brother recommended it, and then a past coworker raved about it too. It was a real page turner, and I am curious to see what the movie will be like
24. What do you wish you’d spent more time doing this year?
Probably working on my own book instead of just reading other people's books. I finished it in March or April, and instead of editing it I just haven't opened it in months. At first I was waiting for feedback, and then when only one person finished it, I got really nervous about it and just left it alone.
25. What do you wish you’d spent less time doing?
Less time alone with my thoughts. Well, at least the latter half of the year. I feel like in mid-year I was feeling really over socialized and I may have over compensated too much. Or maybe like my red-headed friend said, I needed to read fluffier books. I think I read one too many heavy things and made my head too heavy.
26. What made you the angriest in 2017?
The President.
27. When did you feel the most at peace this year?
I don't know, I don't really think about that.
28. What is the biggest risk you took in 2017?
At the risk of sounding repetitive, but taking improv. I tried something new outside of what I do with my life, and I stuck with it although it felt really uncomfortable and hard.
29. What made you laugh the hardest this year?
Taking comedy classes. It's fun to be silly with grown adults and laugh at ridiculous things.
30. What ended for you in 2017?
Feeling badly about something I couldn't do anything about, and it was about damn time to just get over it.
31. What began for you in 2017?
Hope that there's more out there waiting for me than what I've been up to in the last few years.
32. What song will always remind you of this year?
I don't know if I can think of just one song, probably more a band - I started listening to The Front Bottoms this year, and they really remind me of what I go up to in the second half of the year.
33. How did this year differ from the way you thought it would go? I thought I would have done better with fitness and health, but there's always 2018! 34. How would you describe your personal style over the past year?
Business casual for work - simple but stylish, and then personal time is mostly jeans and band t-shirts.
35. Who in your life did you look up to the most this year?
Me! Learning to embrace my own strengths.
36. Which quote best sums up the past year for you?
37. Did you fall in love this year?
No. But my heart is open and ready for whatever 2018 feels like bringing me!
38. Did your heart break this year?
Nope. It's good and in tip top, albiet it refurbished, shape.
39. What was your favorite TV show in 2017?
Probably Once Upon a Time. I have been enjoying the new stuff for this season. Plus I really think the actor that now plays adult Henry is really hot, and it's nice to see him playing a nice guy. Last time I saw him was in Terminus, and he was not nice to Rick and Rick's friends.
40. Which (if any) new years resolutions did you keep this year?
Well, I tried and did some good things that stuck. For 2018 I am ready to kick it into high gear. I have such self control and gratification delay with so many things, that I just need to hunker down and apply that self control to fitness and health. No more excuses and babying!
41. Which (if any) new years resolutions will you be making for next year?
Focus on 3 things - health, paying down my student loan, and finishing my novel. I am also done making excuses about not trying to put my writing into the world - it may be scary since it's me being ultra vulnerable, and I can tell myself I suck 1000 times, but that's just me doubting myself. I've come this far, time to push to the finish line - if it's not meant to be, let someone else say that, because I won't.
42. What disappointed you the most in 2017?
People. Sometimes I worry that as a species we are evil and we suck. Sometimes it's hard to remember all the goodness in our hearts and minds when the bad stuff makes the news.
43. Who did you rely on the most in 2017?
Probably myself too much, and everyone else not enough.
44. Who might you owe an apology to at the end of this year?
Probably the same apologies I've owed for awhile now, for things that may not even been known needed an apology. Mostly, I'm sorry for the things I never say and the damage that brings.
45. How did you grow as a person over the past year?
I learned a LOT of stuff by finishing 52 books this year. I now use words like "timbre" and other pretentious things.
46. What made you feel the most stuck this year?
I felt stuck in my head a lot, especially these last few months.
47. What made you feel the most inspired this year?
Reading. Books change lives! [Hahaha, my answer from last year - it fits, so why not leave it?]
48. If you could go back and give yourself a single piece of advice on the first day of 2017, what would it be?
I think I wouldn't have needed advice, but probably just a huge hug and a "you can do it, kid."
49. What’s the most important thing you learned this year?
I'm pretty fucking awesome, and anyone else who's not on board with that can go away. But like, in a really mellow way.
50. What do you hope will be different for you by this time next year?
How about a boyfriend!? And maybe have my book on its way to being published? And hopefully 40+ pounds lighter. You know, easy stuff!
