How Do I Narrow Down to Just Ten?!

Recently I had the thought of could I narrow my favorite songs down to a top ten. I have a favorite song and relatively recently I officially selected a second favorite song. I also regularly maintain a playlist of my top 100 (or 200) songs. That playlist is revised once or twice a year because I see the playlist as fluid. I am continually listening to new music and falling head over heels with new songs, while some songs lose their luster after awhile. Also, some songs that fell off years ago make a new go round. That playlist is really about songs I really love at that point in time and would want to listen to when I am in the mood to listen to songs I really adore.

Taking an approach to narrow my favorite songs down to just 10 had to be different. These had to be songs that, even with newer songs, could withstand the diminishing returns of multiple replays. Also they had to be songs that either had a strong appeal on their own musical merit or such an overwhelmingly strong appeal to personal attachment that I could over look other songs. With my Top 100 list, a lot of songs have meaning for things like songs I love to sing, or songs that remind me of specific times or feelings, or songs I like to listen to in certain moods. But a top 10 needed to rise above all the rest.

I do find it interesting how only two of my top five bands are represented on the list. I admit that I have other bands represented generally more than my favorite band with my larger group of favorite songs. I have no problem saying that I still identify with New Found Glory as my favorite band less because of the overall quality of their music, and more about other things, like timing, longevity, consistency, fun. I like to think their brand of music represents who I want to be, generally, while my much of my favorite music represents more who I am holistically.

Yes, I promise, I am actually going to list the top ten songs I picked. But before I write about them, I wanted to expound on some general thoughts I had about the list. First of all, I realize it's kind of angsty. I find songs that really appeal to me often have a good mix of more complex rock music (as compared to like pop or things with simple beats) with strong emotive vibes. Also 8/10 songs are all from this millennium. I know a number of people both older and younger than me, both of that era and not, who are really into like what I will call classic music - stuff that's from like the 70s or 80s, if not earlier. And that's all great. I just know I've always been into now with whatever is happening now and new. But not just like with what's popular, more with what's now and new in genres I like. The core of my music tastes stay in the larger punk bubble, so I like what bands are doing there. So a lot of the songs I've picked up over the years mostly comes from bands or albums that were new at the time that just stuck with me as I've gone along. I don't necessarily say that any of the songs I love are any good, although I would say that music is highly subjective, and there are a lot of popular songs that could even objectively be trash. So I will not even wade into that arena.

[Here's a random concert photo so that the thumbnail when I post to Facebook will be my picture and not a random video still. That bothers me SO MUCH!]

So here's my list, in a particular order - I did my #1 and #2 favorite songs first, and then just alphabetically by band name. I of course need a method to this madness. (I've probably written about most or all of these songs, but since that's been awhile and I'm stuck at home, might as well do it again!)

#1 - The Future Freaks Me Out by Motion City Soundtrack

This is my favorite song. I have probably said this dozens of times. I feel like it fits me as a person so much. The title alone continues to describe my life. I tend to be future thinking, so I am always having an eye on what's next - what new thing do I want to try, what will things new grow into, what are the possible rewards and challenges of what I'm working towards. And all of that freaks me out sometimes, thinking of what I'm missing or all the work I have to do or the rejection I could face. Also, I like that the song is pretty peppy and fun, but the lyrics speak of sadder, more serious things. I tend to think of myself as someone who keeps a generally calm, pleasant outer self with more of a hidden melancholy on the inside. And of course I love how the bridge builds up and then just literally says "fuck it" and goes back into the chorus.

#2 - Gifts and Curses by Yellowcard

I only ever saw Yellowcard play this song once in the 3-4 times I saw them live. It was their farewell tour. Ryan Key hella built it up too. I definitely cried. I love how this is an awesome pop punk song about Spiderman. By far the best part of this song though is the instrumental part. It is so beautiful and builds so nicely into an awesome crescendo back to the chorus. That part really makes me picture this beautiful sad loneliness weaved into a bustling rainy city. [I am literally listening to each song as I write about it and had to stop to fully enjoy that entire section.]

#3 - Drugs and Candy by All Time Low

When I was curating this list, I narrowed it down to about 35 songs from the original 100. I didn't actually expect this song to make the Top 10, only because it's pretty new - 2017. But just starting the song to take a listen, I knew I had to include it. Plus it turns out this is the 3rd most listened to song in my music collection. This current listen is officially the 200th time I've listened to this song since purchasing this album from iTunes in June 2017. I don't know if I can really put into words why I love this song so much. It just digs into my soul and resonates there. It's on of those songs I cannot listen to just one time - I constantly have to replay over and over before moving on.

#4 - Sometimes You're the Hammer, Sometimes You're the Nail by A Day to Remember

I know that I love this song. But I admit it was one when I first started to listen to decide if it made the list, I wasn't sure. But by the end it's very clear this song belongs on this list. I love the many dimensions to this song. This is one of the louder songs on this list. But what really brings it home for me is the ending part of the song that slows down and gets more raw emotionally. I really relate to the lyrics of this part of the song. It is not uncommon that by the time I finish listening to this song that I am crying. It touches deep.

#5 - Animals by Ice Nine Kills

I do feel bad that Ice Nine Kills only made the Top 10 with this cover of a Maroon 5 song. But this is the most played song in my music collection. I am a huge fan of when bands from punk and metal genres do covers, especially of pop songs. I happen to really like the original of this song a lot too - it's a sexy song. What does it say about me that I like the version that's still sexy, but also somewhat scary? Nothing bad, I'm sure!! I just think this cover was masterfully done, plus a great choice of a song in the first place! Plus I love Spencer's voice (okay, and yeah his face and entire look, MMMMmmmM), especially with this song. And I really like the choice of where to make some of the vocal unclean. So good!

#6 - Stay by Lisa Loeb

This is the oldest song on my list. I'm pretty sure I've loved this song since I was a kid when it came out. I love the quirkiness and emotion. I love to sing this song too. It's like this downhill avalanche of feelings coming out slow at first but then just pouring out of all these things. I love it!

#7 - Push by Matchbox 20

My original favorite band. I remember Push as being the first and one of the few songs that I fell in love with the very first time I heard it. I was obsessed with this song in the summer of 1997. Granted I was too young to really understand it, but at least old enough to enjoy good music. I remember getting into Matchbox 20 when most of my friends were really into R&B music, which was really popular at the time. It felt a little odd being into different stuff than my peers, but also felt good. I didn't want to like what everyone else was into just because they all liked it.

#8 - My Heart by Paramore

How many of these have I started with "I didn't expect to add to this Top 10"? Here's another one. I like to sing a lot of songs. There are some songs generally that I think I'd like a lot less if it wasn't for the fact that I enjoy singing the song. So when it comes to both my top 100 and my top 10, I wanted to avoid adding songs just because I like to sing them, when in reality the song itself is not worth a top spot. Not that there aren't a lot of songs in my top 100 that I like to sing. There are songs that are both awesome and that I love to sing. And some songs to get somewhat of a nudge because I love to sing them, if it's worth it. For me, this is a song that I absolutely love to sing because I really like the song. It's really fun to get into emotionally. Plus I love how the end throws in some harder stuff (the guitars and screaming) than is really typical for Paramore.

#9 - All or Nothing by State Champs

This is another one of those songs I cannot really describe in words why I love it. It's just so emotional. I love to listen to it REALLY loud in the car so I can feel like I've crawled into the song and I'm feeling it from the inside and outside.

#10 - Safe to Say by Vanna

This is the second most played song in my music collection. Now, I didn't really take play count into consideration when picking my top 10. Some of these songs actually have a relatively low play count, compared to other songs in my music collection, simply because they are older or because not really stuff I feel like listening to in more common moods. But it just happens that my three most played songs are also songs I love. This song was my big go to song in law school when really stressed or nervous before an exam. I would play it really loud to drown everything out and just get lost in the song. But more importantly, I think this song is perfect. And by that I don't mean that it's the best song or super awesome amazing when compared to all other songs. I mean that when considering all of the common elements for post hardcore music, I think this song brings so many of those elements together so well that this song makes a perfect melding of all those elements. I cannot think of anything that would be better. It's so masterful.


Before I wrap this up, I wanted to do a few Honorable Mentions:

• Up With Me by Boys Night Out - Not necessarily the best song, or even their best song. But I really relate to this song on a very personal level. It was one of those songs I almost added because I relate to it so much, but had to admit wasn't the best song wise. So of course I decided to do Honorable Mentions instead just so I could mention it.

• Free Fallin' by Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers - This is one of the older songs that almost made the list. I really like this song. Lots of emotion, great musically, plus I love to sing this song a LOT. There was that two year period after my law school singing competition where I was too anxious to ever sing this song because of how bad I choked. But luckily it only took two years to get over and now I sing this a lot again. I was thinking today however about how I think a lot of my fondness with Tom Petty comes from childhood connections that mostly have nothing to do with Tom Petty. I think it's because of that one music video where he's the mad hatter and eats Alice as a cake that I somehow got it in my head that Tom Petty was the Mad Hatter in the animated Batman, and because I like Alice in Wonderland and Batman so much, I also liked that Tom Petty video and therefore Tom Petty. Oh kid brains!
• Let Her Cry by Hootie and the Blowfish - this was another song that I wanted to make an Honorable Mentions section for. It didn't quite make the top 10, but the more I listen to this song the more I realize how much I absolutely love it! 
• I Miss You by Blink 182 - I struggled with how to place this song. I love this song so much. The problem is when I listen to this song I also think about this other thing not related to the song, just that I heard the song shortly beforehand. It was this awkward thing that made me uncomfortable, and at the time I just sort of shrugged it off but later felt really disappointed in myself that I didn't call it out and stand up for myself, especially where a similar very uncomfortable thing happened again later, only this time in front of a bunch of people. So when I was deciding whether to place this song on the list, I really wanted to but then I couldn't help think of that other stuff. And then I thought I would place it in the top 10 just to prove a point that it's not really a big deal and I can separate songs from associations, when maybe I wouldn't place it in the top 10 at all if just based on the song itself. So I figured an honorable mention made sense for now.
• West Virginia and Twin Size Mattress by The Front Bottoms - I really wanted a song by The Front Bottoms on my top 10 list, and I had narrowed it down to one of these two songs. However, after listening through my remaining contenders I realized I didn't have room for either of these songs. It did make picking between the two songs easier. So when it came time for Honorable Mentions I decided not to choose now either, and instead just rep both. I like the style of The Front Bottoms because their songs often don't follow a more typical song formula. The band is odd and usually I really don't vibe with odd things, but something about the blend of all the things they do resonates with me. Not that I don't find myself odd. I see myself though more as odd in the "don't quite fit, lost in my own head" sort of odd, not the "weird energy, goofy, standout" kind of odd, if that makes any sense. For reference, West Virginia was The Front Bottom's song that I heard that made me first go "wow, this is great, I have to check them out." Technically I had heard another of their songs first, but thought it was really odd and forgot about it until after I got into the band with West Virginia. Twin Size Mattress is my go to song when I am feeling really melancholy and want to mope out to one song on repeat. Not sure if I've listened to the song while sitting upside down on the coach like I would with my old mopey song, but I should try it out sometime. (For reference, that means sitting on the coach with my back on the seat and my butt on the back, so my feet dangle off the back of the coach and my head hovers over the floor. It's an interesting position in which to contemplate melancholy thoughts).

So that's my list! If you made it this far, thank you! If you think it's nonsense trash, I wouldn't blame you!

Who Knows? I Hate Titles

I am writing this now at 11:27 p.m. on March 25, 2020 but unsure if an when I will post it. Writing the blog is the important part for me. The level to which I care that other people read this, or pretend that they might, varies. I feel like I've read too many depressing things online right now to sleep, so I figured this was a better activity than reading more depressing things online or lying awake in bed stressing.

I would like to start this with the following statement. I very much dislike giving valuable time and space to my own problems, and to asking of other people to take their time to hear or read about what's bothering me. Most of the time it's not a big enough deal to bother people. And if it was, I would already be disinclined to talk about it anyway. I recognize that in so many way I am so much luckier than so many people. I have so much gratitude for what I have and what I've done. And I have this weird sense of like I've lived with my struggles so they aren't that bad because that's just how things are and I'm used to it. I'm also someone that firmly believes though not to discount someone else's problems by saying "it could be worse" or "I have it worse." Even if you could put a numerical, objectively discernible value on hardships and compare them, I feel like there are very few people that don't actually have real problems. The overwhelming majority of people deserve sympathy and care, even if things could be worse. Of course I don't always believe in extending that thought to myself.

I always want to be strong for everyone else. I'm always the keep calm and carry on type. I know some of that comes from a good place. I find it easy to focus on others than myself. I am an empath and I really care. I get other people where I don't always get myself. But I also know some of it comes from a bad place. I can be private to a fault. I don't always practice self care when I should. I prioritize the image of strength and calm over actually being both of those in some moments. People expect certain things from me and I expect myself to comply.

I am not having the best of times right now. I don't want to say I'm straight up struggling, because I feel that's too strong of a word. Wait a moment while I check my dictionary and thesaurus ... ... ... ... I think uneasy is probably the best word. There's the obvious stuff - the impending sense of doom waiting to descend onto different parts of the world while doom is already raging in others; the disruption of normal life with all it's fears and difficulties. Personally I am in a good place. I still have a job, I will be able to continue paying bills. I get to work from home. I'm diligent that the roomie and I keep outside things separate from inside things. I do worry that if the virus is brought home that either of us will get badly sick, but more just generally worried because there's all the articles about people with no risks dying!

Where I find unease comes from past struggles. I dealt with really bad anxiety in 2018. For months and months there was always something where I would say "once this is over, I'll feel better." But there was always a next thing and a next thing. Until there was no more next thing and I still felt debilitatingly anxious. In 2019 I put in a lot of work to get out of the anxiety hole I feel into. In most of 2018 and the early part of 2019 there were so many times when I wanted to quit everything except my job. When I struggle, I want to self isolate. I know I have to have a job to pay for things, and since I don't like to fail or outwardly show signs of issues, I could continue to work with high quality even at the worst of times (I am assuming so unless there's even more worse times that I just haven't experienced and would prefer not to experience, thank you). But outside of work (or school when I was younger) it's so much easier to just hide in my own space and block people out. But I worked really hard during those tough times not to give things up. I would be at practice on a Wednesday having an internal dialogue with myself about how on one hand I felt horribly anxious and was not having that much fun, but on the other hand objectively I enjoyed it and would be very sad and disappointed if I gave up. As things got better last year I was so thankful I didn't give up. And as time went on I socialized so much because I was just so grateful I had people and good feelings to allow myself to be fine again. Honestly I don't think people knew enough to notice. But I feel good now about how I have built friendships with people I would feel comfortable talking to and letting the guard down some. Okay, a lot.

What makes right now really hard is being self isolated. To my brain it feels wrong. The isolation is what I do when times are bad. It's like I worked so hard and got so much better, just to have it all taken away by something I cannot control. Logically I know that's not true. Everything isn't gone, it's just in its own space and for a limited time only accessible online. Realistically I don't think people are going to forget I exist. I don't think the people I care about are going to be glad they don't have to see me anymore. I do believe I've made real relationships and those will survive, and more importantly help me survive. But being alone with my headspace means those sneaky voices of doubt have time and space to creep in. Besides worrying about the state of the entire world, I worry about what if I cannot work from home indefinitely, emotionally, and my work suffers and I get fired. Or what if the people I rely on to keep me distracted and sane during this time get tired of me. What if people REALLY DO forget I exist. Sometimes people don't even listen to me or realize I am present when I am literally RIGHT THERE.

I also hate the fact that the best thing I can do to help is just stay put. I wish I had a huge random supply of useful things I could donate somewhere, or an extra million dollars instead. I wish I had an excess of something I could use to make something useful or a huge empty hotel I could let homeless people live in. There are so many people out there being so useful and overworked and I don't feel like I deserve to be allowed to just sit here and not help. I deal with worry and stress by being productive. I can only create so many lists or spreadsheets of things before I run out of things to list and sheet. Not sure if any of it is actually useful except for filling the time.

I think at this point you can see why I am loath to publish this. Personally I think it sounds like "poor pitiful me, my life is so hard being at home not doing anything important." And I agree with that 110%. But I also have a very wise friend that told me that I don't always have to be strong. She said if things get hard and I need to let them out, I have to do that. So that's what this is. I cannot go back in time and change all of my life choices so I can be of more service to the world right now. All I can do is let some of the stuff out of my head so I don't accidentally spontaneously combust or something. I'm pretty sure that's how that works.