Here's to a Better Year

Wow! It's been awhile. 2016 sucked and it's really time to just shut the curtain on the year. But I feel I learned some things in 2016 that will (hopefully) help make 2017 better. A blogger I follow posted a list of questions to answer as 2016 closes, so as an exercise I wanted to answer them. There blog can be found here.

1. What made you feel the most alive this year?

I would have to say going to exciting places and being with people I care about. My trip to Ireland was amazing! I was great to see someplace new and take myself out of my daily life to experience the world. I also had so much fun at Disneyland, embracing the holiday spirit and having fun on the rides with people I care about. I also really appreciated all of the times spent with my friends and family. I have some really amazing people in my life that I wouldn't trade the world for.

2. How did you surprise yourself in 2016?

I surprised myself with standing up for myself and taking action against things that sucked. Although the issues with my landlord and the AC drama sucked and took way too long to resolve, I am proud and surprised that I held my ground and stood up for myself. It also helped to have a great lawyer/friend helping along the way. I am also surprised and proud of how I went after what I wanted with my job. I was really unhappy most of the year, but I took action to fix it, and after much waiting and keeping up the hard work, I finally got to where I wanted to be. Now that I am on a new team, I couldn't be happier! It's an amazing difference, and every time I remind myself of the change I get a big smile.

3. What did you do this year that you regret?

I probably regret the time I spent complaining and the time I spent wallowing in sorrow. Things sucked and I tried the best I could to get past a lot/most/maybe all of it. But I definitely could have done a lot better at some things, and could have spent less time complaining or crying over my sorrows.

4. What made you cry the hardest this year?

There was a lot to cry about this year! My grandma died in January, work was really stressful, and 2016 sucked a lot overall. There were some points this year (and honestly even starting back in June 2015) where I cried more days in a week/month/year than days I didn't cry. I would like to think if everything else sucked less I would have cried overall less. But the thing that really made my cry the hardest (speaking both the most volume wise and individual instances) was breaking my own heart. The sad thing I realized recently is I really did everything advice would tell you. I opened up. I became much more vulnerable than I have ever been. I put myself out there more, at least more by my standards if not others. And for awhile last year I thought I was getting somewhere. That's what really makes it hard because all signs pointed to positive results. And it wasn't just me - it was many people, some who weren't even in my circle that I told stuff to. So this year there was a lot of dealing with the aftermath of opening myself up, getting really emotionally invested, ready to fall, and then realizing circumstances weren't as I thought and crashing hard. The worst part was - I don't know if there really was one worse part. It hurt feeling so confused by the situation. It hurt pulling down wall after wall after wall, only to suddenly needing to put some back up but not knowing how. It really hurt realizing more and more how wonderful this guy really is after knowing it wasn't going to happen. It hurt keeping my pain to myself, and it hurt imagining the repercussions of what happened if I opened up completely. It hurt putting a lot of blame on the other person for leading me astray down this path, and it hurt feeling no one was really at fault for just being quiet. It hurt thinking over and over again, because as an INFJ I think WAY too much, and from a zillion different angles. So, I cried a LOT. I cried way more than I think anyone really realized. I got really good at crying while driving. I got really good at hiding when I cried, or coming up with other valid reasons for crying so as to avoid the subject. But seriously though, I cried so much that if I cried one more time I was going to punch myself in the face!

5. Which friends have been there for you the most in 2016?

I am so lucky to have met such great friends in law school who I hang around. I've had great times with my 3 amigos. I also have 3 amazing friends I met through work who have been really solid this year. Plus, my family who are also my friends because our family rocks!

6. What are you most grateful for as this year draws to a close?

I am grateful for the people I care about. Without them, I don't know how I would have survived this year.

7. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?

I think compared to this time last year, I am happier but definitely weather worn by sadness. This time last year I was already sad from some things and (unbeknownst to me) headed into even sadder times. Now, I believe I am coming out of it and much happier for the most part.

8. What did you do to take care of yourself this year?

I think I was up and down with this. I did have some good moments of taking care of myself - a lot more walking (thank you Pokemon Go!) and a month with no sugar! I just wish I had been consistent, and also taking care of my emotional health a lot better.

9. Where was the best place you traveled to this year?

Ireland, duh!

10. What did you do for the first time in 2016?

I bought my first car! I mean, the first car I bought myself - my other 2 cars came from my parents.

11. What did you do for the last time in 2016?

Saw my grandma. I am just glad I was able to see her a few times while ill before she passed.

12. Which days from 2016 will you never forget?

My time in Ireland. It's so beautiful and the trip was amazing!

13. What did you accomplish this year that you’re proud of?

Does surviving the year count? I think just weathering a lot of storms and coming out the other side stronger and more like an adult.

14. Who did you need to forgive this year?

Hmmm...not really sure. I am sure there are some candidates, but not sure if I am willing to admit/accept I need to forgive them.

15. What were you most afraid of this year?

I was afraid I would fall apart and never get back together. Or that I would just let my life continue to suck without doing anything about it.

16. How did life surprise you this year?

How can so much suckage happen in one year? Seriously! 2016 is the worst! Everyone says so.

17. How was this year better than 2015?

Well, June 2015 was when I had my burn out, so having not burnt out in 2016 I say that makes this year better.

18. How was this year worse than 2015?

So many things happened that were stressful and sad! My family lost 3 grandparents! The world suffered! Read things above! 2016 just kept coming with a lot of punches that really wore me down.

19. Who did you miss the most over the past year?

Definitely my grandma, and at the most random times.

20. What was the most valuable thing you spent money on this year?

My Ireland trip. Maybe it's the Millennial in me, but I really do believe experiences are more important than things. 

21. What did you waste too much money on this year?

I probably spent too much money on Starbucks. But I need coffee to live, and there used to be a drive thru Starbucks on my commute to work. Now that I switched offices, though, I've cut back more. I make more coffee at home now.

22. How did you spend your birthday this year?

I had some very sweet birthday surprised from my coworkers - I had my desk decorated a couple times (once completely wrapped in wrapping paper). I spent my actual birthday visiting family, and the next day in Universal Studios and did the Wonderful World of Harry Potter!!

23. What was the best book you read in 2016?

I just finished last week "Red Rising" on a recommendation from a fellow bibliophile. It is such a good book! I think I described it like The Hunger Games, meets Hogwarts, with a boatload of Roman mythology mixed in.

24. What do you wish you’d spent more time doing this year?

I should have read and exercised more. But I will make up for it in 2017!

25. What do you wish you’d spent less time doing?

Crying - I definitely should have spent less time crying.

26. What made you the angriest in 2016?

I was definitely really angered this year by people who intentionally hurt others because they were too selfish, proud, ambitious, lazy, controlling, and/or stupid to do what was right. I am just glad to know that you reap what you sow - sometimes it just takes longer for the consequences to bear fruit.

27. When did you feel the most at peace this year?

I am not really sure I had any of those moments this year, or at least none that were memorable.

28. What is the biggest risk you took in 2016?

Going after what I wanted for my career instead of just taking what others were willing to give. It turned out not to be that risky in the end, but it felt so at the time.

29. What made you laugh the hardest this year?

Probably some random list of silly things on the Internet. There were so many hateful and sad things online this year, I am glad there is also a lot there to make my just laugh until it hurts!

30. What ended for you in 2016?

My time with my Chevy Malibu. RIP Kelly! But seriously, probably the thought that I am not ready for a relationship. As much of a beating my heart took, it also felt really good to be excited about someone, and I can't wait to feel that again, only about someone who actually is excited about me too, in that way. And I don't really think anymore that I am unlovable. I think the right person who is right for me will love me as I am, and I am not really as insecure about that anymore. Finding the right person may not be my top priority in 2017, but it's definitely something I am a lot more ready for.

31. What began for you in 2016?

Probably the hope that I could actually finish writing a book and it not suck! I may not have gotten finished this year, but definitely early next year - I have given myself permission to believe I can be a writer! Plus, it helped my BFF read what I have so far and it didn't suck!

32. What song will always remind you of this year?

Well, I would have to say "Drunk" by Ed Sheeran, since as I read this question that song came immediately to mind. OMG, I cried to that song sooooo many times this year! There are probably more, but I won't list them. Best to hope they remind me of other things, or nothing, eventually.

33. How did this year differ from the way you thought it would go?

I honestly don't think I thought about how this year would go. I dived into 2016 really quickly, and it was April before I knew it. After that, I just tried to slough through the year until October and my Ireland trip.

34. How would you describe your personal style over the past year?

I love my style - I think I have a simple classy style, with a little punk rock twist. I like to keep things simple yet elegant. And no leggings as pants!!!

35. Who in your life did you look up to the most this year?

Not really sure. Probably no one in particular.

36. Which quote best sums up the past year for you?

"Fuck You 2016" - John Oliver

37. Did you fall in love this year?

No, decidedly not. But I am not the Ted Mosby of my friend group for nothing! I will find that person! I will find my equivalent of a yellow umbrella person. Really, I'd love to find my own Ted Mosby, so if you know anyone...

38. Did your heart break this year?

No, but it's amazing how much you can prolong or aggravate a broken heart with a good amount of wallowing.

39. What was your favorite TV show in 2016?

Definitely Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. That and Game of Thrones, plus Once Upon a Time. I know I really like a show when I look forward to it being on, and I get sad immediately after the episode ends because I have to wait forever for the next one! (even if "forever" is only a week)

40. Which (if any) new years resolutions did you keep this year?

Well, I kind of, sort of kept some good habits, although the overall effect is nil.

41. Which (if any) new years resolutions will you be making for next year?

This is the year I stop just saying I am going to be healthier and finish my novel, and it's going to start being the year that actually happens!! Plus, I just want to get out in the world and do more.

42. What disappointed you the most in 2016?

Everything. Everything is just one disappointment after another, especially the Pokemon Go holiday events. I just want an effing Lapras!! Is that too much to ask?!

43. Who did you rely on the most in 2016?

I would probably have to say myself, but not in a good way. But I do think I am getting better at relying on others. I opened up about a few things, although often later than I should have, and I feel good that I was able to rely on people to help.

44. Who might you owe an apology to at the end of this year?

Uh, no one, duh! Okay, probably a lot of people, but I am going to keep those thoughts to myself. No need to tattle on myself.

45. How did you grow as a person over the past year?

See above. I think I am stronger and more world weary/wise. I hope it just means I do better in the future.

46. What made you feel the most stuck this year?

Work for awhile, because I was unhappy and I just had to wait to see what happened from other people I couldn't control. Plus, I would have to say my feelings, because sometimes they can feel like a whirlpool of doom that I can never swim out of as I think over things over and over and over from angles you would not even believe possible.

47. What made you feel the most inspired this year?

Reading. Books change lives!

48. If you could go back and give yourself a single piece of advice on the first day of 2016, what would it be?

Is "run away and become a sheep farmer" a legitimate answer?" Instead, I will go with a quote from a picture on my wall - "Think less, do more." 

49. What’s the most important thing you learned this year?

I just have to keep on keeping on. I can't let the bad stuff keep me down or scare me away. I am stronger than I want to admit, and people will back your play if you work hard to earn it.

50. What do you hope will be different for you by this time next year?

I am really hoping to be so focused in everything I want to accomplish - finishing and editing my book, getting into shape, volunteering, taking up a new hobby or a few - that the year will fly by and I'll be a much happier, healthier, and accomplished person. I am hoping 2016 was just the trial by fire I needed to harden myself into the steely resolve I need to jump start the next big chapter of my life!