Today was an interesting day. It was definitely an emotional roller coaster. It ended on a high not, literally, having spent some time singing karaoke with some of the best people I know. But over the course of the day I was happy, sad, angry, disappointed, bored, excited, pensive, surprised, proud, shocked, disgusted. There may have been more things in there, but I think I've run out of adjectives.
But mostly I think today hit home a point that I've known for awhile, but I really wasn't willing to admit: My life just isn't very satisfying.
Don't get me wrong - I've got a lot of great things going for me - family, friends, a place to live, a job. But I've realized I'm just coasting at this point, moving along with the tide.
And for awhile that worked. For so many years when I was young I had a life plan and took the steps I needed to get there. And when I found myself as a college grad whose plan didn't work out, I just went where life took me.
I've done a lot of random things in the last decade. I worked retail, I was a nanny, I substitute taught middle and high schoolers, I decided to go to law school and become a lawyer, I got a JD and passed the bar only to decide I really didn't want to be a lawyer after all. So I've just ended up wherever life just happened to lead me.
I've learned a lot. I know now that had I know myself this well as an undergrad, I would never have been a science major. Mostly because I've realized I would have been miserable as a dentist - work that's really repetitive, having to talk to people all day every day! No thank you!
And I've taken some time recently to just really find out what I want to do. And who I want to be. But I think for some months now I've been using the whole "I don't know where I'm going" excuse as a reason not to do anything, just to stay put where I am to just think. But I don't think I am going to gain any insight that I haven't had for a number of months now.
I think part of my problem is I spend too much time lost in fantasies of what the future could hold. "If I did this, this and this could happen and imagine how awesome that would be. Or, "if this works out with so-and-so, this and this could happen and I'd be where I'm supposed to be at my age." But it never happens. And eventually it just hurts knowing that something I can almost touch isn't ever going to be real.
I've told myself that the only person who has ever broken my heart is me, because I put too much thought and hope into things that won't happen. And part of it is I don't put myself out there enough. But I think part of it is I don't really want these things to happen - or at least I don't want to take the risks that require them to happen. I'd rather live in my bubble of make believe, while just living my outside life however makes people happy until I can escape to my world again.
But I've had enough of that bullshit, let me tell you! Here and now I make a personal oath to myself that I will do more for me. I am the only one that can make me happy. I am the only one that can go get what I want. I started this blog with such good intentions of making my life better, and find myself in the same place I was 3 months ago, only now sadder and more bitter because I've let some fantasies last longer than they should.
I am going to be selfish. I am going to do what I can to make me better - take care of me, do what I want to do, say what I want to say. And the last person I will let get in my way is me. It's going to be tough love, but I will stop letting me take a backseat in my own life!
First thing, set priorities. I've known I'm not happy with the way I take care of myself. And as much as I feel bad for myself when it's hard and I want to give up, tough! I am going to make myself better whether I like it or not!
Second, I want more passion in my life. Not like steamy romance passion (although I would take it if it came), but I mean something that gives me energy and makes my want to participate. I love writing, which is one reason I started this blog, but I don't give myself the motivation to write enough. Who cares if no one wants to read what I have to say? This is for me. My novel is for me. Maybe people like my writing, maybe they think it's self-indulgent drivel. Well, tough! Because as a newly selfish human being, I do what I want!
Let's just hope tomorrow, and the next day, and the next, I just keep up this attitude.
Thursday, September 24, 2015
Monday, September 7, 2015
Reading and Thinking and Emoting, Oh My!
I did a lot of reading this weekend. Partly because I took a 4-day weekend but didn't have much to do, and partly to distract myself from the ever dwindling flicker of hope that maybe pushing myself might actually pay off. Or maybe I just wanted an excuse to sit around all weekend like a bum, but at least feel productive. Unfortunately I don't find watching things on my Netflix queue very productive (well, I do, but it doesn't sound so to the real world).
I've been reading a lot of non-fiction these days, in large part due to my work book club, and in some part due to recommendations from a friend (and sometimes both at the same time). I don't usually read non-fiction. I like stories and fantasy, and imagination and novels. I guess that's my Intuition (from my MBTI). But non-fiction can be interesting too. Let's just say I am working on my Sensing. ;^) And boy could it use some work.
I find it interesting how I've been weaving together what I've been reading with what's going on in my life. It gives me lots of thoughts. Currently I am reading two books. That's one thing I like about non-fiction is I feel like I can read many books at a time as long as only one is a novel, but have 1 or more non-fiction books going on as well. One book I am reading is called "Quiet," all about introverts - some interesting science facts, who we're under appreciated, how extroversion became the societal norm. I am also reading "The 5 Love Languages," the Singles Edition (because I am chronically single and at least I can learn to love friends and family even if I'll die alone).
So, of course now I wonder how do people learn to love introverts, and as an introvert, how do I show love (and get love, and nurture it, and not actually die alone)? I've realized one thing lately, something that I've known about myself for probably a decade, but only recently have been able to put into words that make sense. I like extroverts. Looking over the years at my interested, I've always been drawn toward extroverted guys (or at least guys that exhibited extroverted traits in social situations, which in hindsight may have been the extrovert juice). That's not to say I have liked exclusively extroverts, but they just tend to out number, or at least out impression, the introverts.
But the more I learn about being an introvert, and the more I think about it, the more I wonder how introverts and extroverts come together. Maybe it's just me - maybe with my big brain and my less than appealing container for my big brain, I have trouble. But I can't believe I am the only introvert that finds things difficult.
"Quiet" has been teaching me about the psychological and physiological differences observed in some introverts versus some extroverts. We're in our heads a lot. We reach to stimuli differently. We're generally more risk-averse, all things I agree with. But all of that just seems a recipe for loneliness. If extroverts don't understand just brain function wise what it's like, then how can they ever get what I'm throwing down.
"The 5 Love Languages" book brings up some interesting concerns. I now realize that my love language is Words of Affirmation. I like when people tell me they like me, that I do a good job, that I'm worthwhile, that they care, etc. etc. I tend to practice that with a mix of "Acts of Service" because that just feels natural to me. Like, you can tell I really care about someone if I volunteer to drive even if I do it all the time, or if I give up my lunch break to help someone with a challenging assignment. I'm nice, but I don't just do that for anyone - I do it to show I care.
But as an introvert, I am very anti-touching. Not that I don't use the "Physical Touch" love language - I am very comfortable with my family and we hug and give caring touch to each other all the time. (Yes, yes, that sounds dirty and full of innuendo, no matter how I write it. Stop being immature!) But that's my tight knit family. We're awesome and close. But I don't let just anyone touch me. And count yourself very fortunate if I take initiative to touch you! Because it's hard.
I've learned as an introvert we like a personal space, and part of that is being very sensitive to touching. For me, there are levels: (1) I either don't know you well or at all, or I don't like you, so you better not touch me! Please be aware of the physical cringe and avoidance maneuvering I take to avoid your touching. (2) I feel comfortable around you so you may touch me. The degree of touching varies by closeness - a casual friend can get away with the occasional arm pat, while the besties can give me hugs, link arm-in-arm, maybe even a friend butt smack or boob grab. You know, best friend stuff. ;^) (3) You've made it, you're amazing and I'll actually take the initiative to touch you! I initiate hugs, I smack your butt (sober), whatever. True, sometimes I unintentionally touch people that don't fit this category, but that's rare. Mostly, if you can think of at least a time or two when I've touched you, you're welcome.
What does that mean for an introvert drawn toward outgoing extroverts? Es tend to be much more touchy. What if the right E's primary love language is Physical Touch? That would be difficult! Ok, maybe not down the road, but what about at the beginning? For me, the hardest part is showing interest. I could be screaming in my head "this is the boldest I've ever been, see what I've done to show you I care?" But it's probably lame compared to all the cute, friendly E ladies out there. And while I have been working on my touching for flirting purposes, it's still a work in progress. And I wouldn't call it all that flirty - nothing really bold. It's not like I can say "oh, hey, see how I just lightly nudged your arm there, that means I really flirting with you, in my own, awkward, introvert way." Ummm, yeah. Not going to happen.
And let's not forget just words. True, I like Words of Affirmation. But they are a lot easier to say once someone already knows you feel a certain way. What's the use of a love language if someone doesn't know you mean it as love? Like, my saying "you're awesome" doesn't just mean I think you're awesome in general, but more specifically you're awesome, so let's get together. That's of course an over generalization, since I use awesome way too often for it to really mean anything. But I do find it difficult sometimes to say these words, even if it's my love language. Maybe it's the language I like the best because I find it more difficult to use.
And let's take a moment to discuss the love language of gifts. My general feelings about gifts are that they're difficult. I like gifts - I really like gifts - at the very least on my birthday and Christmas. But I think of myself much easier to shop for than anyone else, ever. Maybe it's because I think too much. To me, a gift really needs to mean something. If I have a great wave of inspiration, a new board game for the b-day girl's board game party, something I have told they want, then sure, that's easy. But mostly I just get frustrated b/c there are too many options and I want a gift to mean something. I'd rather just ask, but that can sometimes seem thoughtless too. Does being an introvert ruin this too? I can imagine being an extrovert helps w/ gift giving because they'll just see something cool - attracted by something shiny out in the world - and just think so-and-so would like this. Bam. Done. No over thinking, no whatever. And I highly doubt they agonize so much over the other person's deep reaction. Or maybe they do, who's to say?
And how do Introverts and Extroverts have Quality Time together? I mean, assuming you can ever get together to HAVE quality time. How do you tell if you're being purposefully avoided, or just being an inscrutable I again? Oh geez. But I digress. I can see it working, if one type can meet the other type. Maybe sometimes they go out and to things together they enjoy, like plays or museums or nature walks or whatever - out in the world E stuff. And at other times they hang out somewhere quiet and just talk about deeper things - I time. I could really get behind that - getting out in the world more w/ someone I care about, and also getting the time to connect in the way I like. I won't lie, I worry that Es may not be able to connect on the deep cerebral level that I tend to think on (partly why I have this blog). Or maybe that's just an over generalization on my part. Or some bitter concern that I'll never be understood. Or maybe it has nothing to do w/ E vs I, and everything to do with me being too smart for my own good. :^P
But despite all of this thinking and question posing (and ranting? Yes? No?), I really am enjoying reading more non-fiction. It gets my thinking in a way that's different from fiction - more practical I guess. And as a constant self-improver, I like reading this stuff that makes me think about who I am and how I do things. I am also working on the balance of finding out what needs to be improved versus what's just me and perfectly fine the way it is. Now more than ever I think a lot of how I am is attributed to being introverted, and as much as I can change or adapt, I will always be that way at the core. And I think with love, whether it's for others or yourself, you will always have to work more to connect and better communicate and work things out, but you have to understand who you are primarily and be true to that person.
And now I am done being obnoxious and mopey, and self-indulging my ever lame ass thought! Time to move on to a new week.
I've been reading a lot of non-fiction these days, in large part due to my work book club, and in some part due to recommendations from a friend (and sometimes both at the same time). I don't usually read non-fiction. I like stories and fantasy, and imagination and novels. I guess that's my Intuition (from my MBTI). But non-fiction can be interesting too. Let's just say I am working on my Sensing. ;^) And boy could it use some work.
I find it interesting how I've been weaving together what I've been reading with what's going on in my life. It gives me lots of thoughts. Currently I am reading two books. That's one thing I like about non-fiction is I feel like I can read many books at a time as long as only one is a novel, but have 1 or more non-fiction books going on as well. One book I am reading is called "Quiet," all about introverts - some interesting science facts, who we're under appreciated, how extroversion became the societal norm. I am also reading "The 5 Love Languages," the Singles Edition (because I am chronically single and at least I can learn to love friends and family even if I'll die alone).
So, of course now I wonder how do people learn to love introverts, and as an introvert, how do I show love (and get love, and nurture it, and not actually die alone)? I've realized one thing lately, something that I've known about myself for probably a decade, but only recently have been able to put into words that make sense. I like extroverts. Looking over the years at my interested, I've always been drawn toward extroverted guys (or at least guys that exhibited extroverted traits in social situations, which in hindsight may have been the extrovert juice). That's not to say I have liked exclusively extroverts, but they just tend to out number, or at least out impression, the introverts.
But the more I learn about being an introvert, and the more I think about it, the more I wonder how introverts and extroverts come together. Maybe it's just me - maybe with my big brain and my less than appealing container for my big brain, I have trouble. But I can't believe I am the only introvert that finds things difficult.
"Quiet" has been teaching me about the psychological and physiological differences observed in some introverts versus some extroverts. We're in our heads a lot. We reach to stimuli differently. We're generally more risk-averse, all things I agree with. But all of that just seems a recipe for loneliness. If extroverts don't understand just brain function wise what it's like, then how can they ever get what I'm throwing down.
"The 5 Love Languages" book brings up some interesting concerns. I now realize that my love language is Words of Affirmation. I like when people tell me they like me, that I do a good job, that I'm worthwhile, that they care, etc. etc. I tend to practice that with a mix of "Acts of Service" because that just feels natural to me. Like, you can tell I really care about someone if I volunteer to drive even if I do it all the time, or if I give up my lunch break to help someone with a challenging assignment. I'm nice, but I don't just do that for anyone - I do it to show I care.
But as an introvert, I am very anti-touching. Not that I don't use the "Physical Touch" love language - I am very comfortable with my family and we hug and give caring touch to each other all the time. (Yes, yes, that sounds dirty and full of innuendo, no matter how I write it. Stop being immature!) But that's my tight knit family. We're awesome and close. But I don't let just anyone touch me. And count yourself very fortunate if I take initiative to touch you! Because it's hard.
I've learned as an introvert we like a personal space, and part of that is being very sensitive to touching. For me, there are levels: (1) I either don't know you well or at all, or I don't like you, so you better not touch me! Please be aware of the physical cringe and avoidance maneuvering I take to avoid your touching. (2) I feel comfortable around you so you may touch me. The degree of touching varies by closeness - a casual friend can get away with the occasional arm pat, while the besties can give me hugs, link arm-in-arm, maybe even a friend butt smack or boob grab. You know, best friend stuff. ;^) (3) You've made it, you're amazing and I'll actually take the initiative to touch you! I initiate hugs, I smack your butt (sober), whatever. True, sometimes I unintentionally touch people that don't fit this category, but that's rare. Mostly, if you can think of at least a time or two when I've touched you, you're welcome.
What does that mean for an introvert drawn toward outgoing extroverts? Es tend to be much more touchy. What if the right E's primary love language is Physical Touch? That would be difficult! Ok, maybe not down the road, but what about at the beginning? For me, the hardest part is showing interest. I could be screaming in my head "this is the boldest I've ever been, see what I've done to show you I care?" But it's probably lame compared to all the cute, friendly E ladies out there. And while I have been working on my touching for flirting purposes, it's still a work in progress. And I wouldn't call it all that flirty - nothing really bold. It's not like I can say "oh, hey, see how I just lightly nudged your arm there, that means I really flirting with you, in my own, awkward, introvert way." Ummm, yeah. Not going to happen.
And let's not forget just words. True, I like Words of Affirmation. But they are a lot easier to say once someone already knows you feel a certain way. What's the use of a love language if someone doesn't know you mean it as love? Like, my saying "you're awesome" doesn't just mean I think you're awesome in general, but more specifically you're awesome, so let's get together. That's of course an over generalization, since I use awesome way too often for it to really mean anything. But I do find it difficult sometimes to say these words, even if it's my love language. Maybe it's the language I like the best because I find it more difficult to use.
And let's take a moment to discuss the love language of gifts. My general feelings about gifts are that they're difficult. I like gifts - I really like gifts - at the very least on my birthday and Christmas. But I think of myself much easier to shop for than anyone else, ever. Maybe it's because I think too much. To me, a gift really needs to mean something. If I have a great wave of inspiration, a new board game for the b-day girl's board game party, something I have told they want, then sure, that's easy. But mostly I just get frustrated b/c there are too many options and I want a gift to mean something. I'd rather just ask, but that can sometimes seem thoughtless too. Does being an introvert ruin this too? I can imagine being an extrovert helps w/ gift giving because they'll just see something cool - attracted by something shiny out in the world - and just think so-and-so would like this. Bam. Done. No over thinking, no whatever. And I highly doubt they agonize so much over the other person's deep reaction. Or maybe they do, who's to say?
And how do Introverts and Extroverts have Quality Time together? I mean, assuming you can ever get together to HAVE quality time. How do you tell if you're being purposefully avoided, or just being an inscrutable I again? Oh geez. But I digress. I can see it working, if one type can meet the other type. Maybe sometimes they go out and to things together they enjoy, like plays or museums or nature walks or whatever - out in the world E stuff. And at other times they hang out somewhere quiet and just talk about deeper things - I time. I could really get behind that - getting out in the world more w/ someone I care about, and also getting the time to connect in the way I like. I won't lie, I worry that Es may not be able to connect on the deep cerebral level that I tend to think on (partly why I have this blog). Or maybe that's just an over generalization on my part. Or some bitter concern that I'll never be understood. Or maybe it has nothing to do w/ E vs I, and everything to do with me being too smart for my own good. :^P
But despite all of this thinking and question posing (and ranting? Yes? No?), I really am enjoying reading more non-fiction. It gets my thinking in a way that's different from fiction - more practical I guess. And as a constant self-improver, I like reading this stuff that makes me think about who I am and how I do things. I am also working on the balance of finding out what needs to be improved versus what's just me and perfectly fine the way it is. Now more than ever I think a lot of how I am is attributed to being introverted, and as much as I can change or adapt, I will always be that way at the core. And I think with love, whether it's for others or yourself, you will always have to work more to connect and better communicate and work things out, but you have to understand who you are primarily and be true to that person.
And now I am done being obnoxious and mopey, and self-indulging my ever lame ass thought! Time to move on to a new week.
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