My Myers-Briggs Type Part 2 - This Also Explains Why I'm Single

As I probably mentioned in the last post, I've read a LOT about Myers-Briggs, and more specifically my type.  I wrote the first blog post because I thought there was a lot of general traits that I relate to and wanted to share.  However, I felt inspired to write a second post exploring being an INFJ and how it may have contributed to me being single.

I recently read online an article that typed Ted Mosby as an INFJ too. I am not sure if that is accurate, but it could explain why I love Ted Mosby so much. And I am the Ted of my friends group (you should meet our lady-Barney). So, I thought I would tell this tale with some Ted Mosby quotes.

Wait, why am I single?
I read something that declared why each type was single based on their MBTI. INFJ said it's because we don't trust people. Is that really true? Or is it we're just too smart to throw trust around willy-nilly? Or is it just that really lots of people aren't worthy of trusting? Okay, I admit I am not the most trusting. I like people, sure. But I keep a safe distance. So, maybe part of my being single stems from not letting guys get that close. Maybe someone liked me but I wrote them off before I even noticed their interest.

But I am working on this.  I find it's easiest to open up about small things. So, I throw out innocuous personal facts when the situation arises.  I mean, if a guy is interested, it's not fair for me to soak up all his facts w/o sharing my own. And, if he's the type of guy to show interest by asking questions, my refusal to open up could be seen as not having interest.

Wise words, Mr. Mosby, wise words.








This may explain things too:
I recently found this article online about dating an INFJ. I found some of the items very instructive, both for my (hopefully) eventual future BF, and for me to hopefully overcome some of the more single-inducing traits, like:

• Not looking for a temporary thing - this resonates. Maybe mostly because of my age. But I think also because I am an emotional person. Just when I like someone I can get really swept up in it.  I like emotional connection, and getting deep with people. It's something I do with friends, so in a relationship it makes sense too. I am not saying necessarily looking for The One right off the back, just Mr. Maybe - someone who doesn't have to be obviously right, but isn't obviously wrong either. 
  

• Forgetting to take care of themselves/Loves helping people - Umm, I have this problem with just work. I worry too much about making sure everyone is taken care of that I forget about me (have you seen my burn out post?). Not really sure this contributes to being single, but it would definitely be a sign I'm interested in someone. I mean, I wouldn't take my precious free time to do boring things for just anyone. And it's not just anyone I would drop what I am doing to go help. :)

• We can be strange - Yes, I am odd.  I like so many random things - sci-fi/fantasy, loud punk music, classic literature, just to name a few random things. I sing alone all the time. I have random ideas I can't help but share. I get passionate about things like the Oxford comma. I am not for the faint of heart, the boring, or the dumb. I have a quick wit and sometimes I'm hilariously snarky. That's a lot going on in one person. So of course I am not for everyone, and I am an acquired taste. And I am okay with that. I would much rather be me and wait for someone to get that, then have to deny large parts of myself.

• Human lie detector - Ok, I am not sure if I have ever detected a bold faced lie (I haven't been actively looking for catching them, so I just don't know). But I know I am good at telling when someone is hiding information. Or when someone is being cagey on purpose. Or when someone is being fake. I personally see no point in being anything than honest (you can honestly say you can't divulge info), and anything other than yourself. I am always trying to know myself better and embrace her, I couldn't date anyone who wasn't real to themselves.

• Have issues opening up - yep, so true. It's hard enough opening up to just family or friends. But there is an extra level of closeness that comes with a relationship. But like I said in the last post, I am working on opening up little by little - gain trust with bits and pieces. On the list I saw on why my MBTI type is single, it said I should end up with someone who has been a friend for awhile and can prove trustworthy. So, guess the best approach is just opening up like I would to a new friend, and hopefully the rest comes eventually. Of course, this makes online dating hard (plus the being strange part too). :)

• Not a fan of PDA - I realized a few years ago that I am not a very touchy-feely person. I mean, with close family and friends I am not adverse to things like hugs, pats on the back, typical stuff. But that's a very small circle of people. I remember that moment years ago at a bar with some friends, watching an acquaintance flirt with someone I liked, and thinking of course she's getting the attention. She's all subtly handsy and very touchy. And I thought I never do that, nor would I ever feel comfortable. But lately I've learned it's something that can be practiced. My online research has told me that touching is a good way to flirt. So, while it's not very comfortable to me, I made a conscious effort to do it. I remember the first time I consciously went to innocently touch a guy. It was a simple pat on the shoulder - no big deal. Externally, it looked like nothing, but in my head it was super slow motion. I could see my hand slowly reaching out to his shoulder. I thought "am I really doing this!?" The moment of contact was really intense - OMG that happened! Afterwards I was super proud. And with some practice, it's actually pretty easy now - effortless, without always conscious thought. Of course, I wouldn't want to go crazy. Even the thought of holding hands in public makes me nervous. Best to keep the DAs out of the P.

• Being future oriented - what girl hasn't idly daydreamed about her crush and their future wedding, or taking their future kids to Disneyland? Am I right? No? Awwwwkward!

• Don't initiate things - It's not that I don't want to, it's just really hard. Oh the number of times I've wanted to initiate things. And the number of times I almost got there. But there's always some reason not to - most of them having to do with needing to open my mouth and say something not totally terrible. I think this is a big issue for me. Initiating things may even go as far as not initiating interactions where it can even be read as me being interested. Mostly I worry about it being too obvious, and that being gross. But then I don't want to be not obvious enough in case there's hope. But then timing is important and I wouldn't want to initiate something at the wrong moment. And I am so over initiating things while under the influence of liquid courage. I think of the last time I was (mostly) clear-headed and ready to do something, and then the Universe threw the most random and annoying things in the way and the moment was gone. I think I will just wait this out. Didn't "He's Just Not That Into You" say that if a guy likes a girl, he'll make it happen? So really, I should just wait for that. ;^0

• Being off in our own world - yeah, my head gets kind of busy. There is a lot going on in there, I could easy spend all of my time there and completely ignore the outside world. Plus, it's strange in there, so when it spills out, it can be off putting. Let's not forget, as an introvert, I like my me time. I just need to learn to not have so much of it.  I did read something online about accepting that you can't fully understand your INFJ, because sometimes they don't fully understand themselves. I found this simultaneously reassuring because I wasn't the only one, but also incredibly sad because it's possible I may just never really be understood, even by someone who loves me. So, it makes hiding in my own world seem like a good option.

So, I just have to remember that when I start to feel like this:

I just need to have more hope and just do what I can, because I really believe this:

Thanks Ted for always giving me something to believe in! :^)

My Myers-Briggs Type Part 1- This Explains a Lot

A number of months ago (not sure if those months add to full years or not) I took a Myers-Briggs Type Indicator test. It was offered as an alumni event where we'd take the test and then a career advisor would discuss the types and what our results mean.  When I initially took it, I thought it was interesting, but didn't really do much with the results. However, awhile later, I got a wild hair to look at the results again. And then led to me getting a book. And then two books. And then more books, plus reading tons of stuff (with varying levels of seriousness) on the Internet. Suffice to say, I know a lot about the MBTI now, and more specifically my type.

I typed as an Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judgement (INFJ). For people unaware of MBTI, or at least not up on all the type, this is the rarest combination of traits, with only 2-3% of the population as this type. Not going to lie, this fact alone really fueled my interested in Myers-Briggs and my type. It was nice to learn that, no, I am in fact not a loner weirdo.  While I may be rare, I am not alone. :)

I definitely was not surprised that I am an introvert. I think about parties I went to in college when I wasn't in the mood. No matter the fun around me, if I wasn't in the mood, I couldn't get the energy. My favorite thing to do at these time was ask someone to "hold my drink for a minute." And then I would go home. Such a douche move, yes, but affective. My friends wouldn't let me go home if I told them I wanted to go home.

Intuitive means I take in information looking for more meaning and relationships (instead of just 5 senses information). Feeling types make decisions based on how the affect people, instead of objective logic. Judgement people prefer to make decisions, and get things done in an ordered, planned manner (instead of waiting to take in more info and having to accomplished things all right at the end).

But when you put the letters together they start to mean different things depending on the mix. Like because I am an introvert, my letters tell me my primary cognitive function is introverted intuition, which basically means I'm all up in my head all of the time trying to interpret the meaning of things, and probably not noticing anything around me. My letters also say my auxiliary cognitive function is extroverted feeling. This basically means my interactions with the world is through feeling based decision making.

There are definitely some characteristics typical of INFJs that I really related to. Such as:

• Generally seek harmony and avoid conflict - I am a big fan of harmony. I like people to get along. I've found at work I have the uncanny knack of listening to other people argue points, understand what those points are, and then explain the situation to them both to harmonize their points. I find this very useful for moving meetings along, especially when people argue the same point, but just can't understand they agree with each other.  However, seeking harmony also means avoiding conflicts. I confess to  holding things in because I don't want to start a fight. At it's worse, the things just build up until I lash out. I have been working on trying to address issues before, but it's not easy. But being a conflict avoider also means I don't let a lot of small things get to me, because I just don't want to start a fight.

• But can stubbornly stand up for important values - A coworker of mine recently told me that I can sometimes egg things on and not drop things. I got a little offended. But then knew she was right, and I was offended because the truth hurts. But it's just that when I care about something, I really care, and I won't let other people just push that aside. I think part of it comes from just knowing I can trust my intuition no matter what other people say, and as someone who has strong convictions, I have to stand for them.

• Deeply empathetic and quickly understand other people - I have a magic power. This magic power is understanding other people, maybe even better than they do.  I can pick up on all types of communication, including many things beyond just what was said. I have this knack at figuring things out that other people don't want anyone to notice. It helps in learning secrets when I figure them out before the other person can tell me. ;^) I am also really good at being able to take what people can't really totally explain, and then sum up their feelings to them in the perfect words. It helps that I am good with words, too. On the down side, I am like an emotional sponge. If I am in a great mood, but people I care about aren't, I can absorb their moods. Like the other day at work, some of my coworkers were really stressed about a work project that I had to offer the very little help I could because I just couldn't stand them all being so tense. Plus, just offering help gave some positive vibes that helped everyone. :^) It also took all my will power not to start giving out hugs, and back rubs, whispering "it's going to be okay." Not sure how work appropriate that is. :^)

• Very private/take time to open up/tend to have small circle of close friends - I read it somewhere describing INFJs as a quick read and a closed book - i.e. we read people really fast, but are ourselves very closed off. It really doesn't seem fair. I confess this is one of the big things I am working on lately in life. I noticed that I really don't share much about myself. I am quick to talk about my pop culture stuff or work stuff, but I shy away from personal information. But being so friendly it seems sneaky to me - like you wouldn't think I was very private unless you really stop to think. And of course if I dropped some of my more private secrets, people would definitely be shocked. I think it just comes down to trust. I want to surround myself with people I feel like I can open up to and really trust. I prefer just a few close friends that I spend time with, rather than gaggles of acquaintances. 

• Highly emotional and hyper-sensitive to criticism - I have lots of emotional. This may not be super obvious, because I have excellent emotional maturity, but inside I feel, a LOT. To me, emotions are complicated and nuanced, and I not only feel them deeply, but I appreciate how feelings feel for their own sake. I think because I am so sensitive, I take criticism harshly. Even little things, or things given in a positive manner are felt deeply. I found that being very self-aware helps.  I really try to analyze myself and know my own weaknesses. That way, most criticism I receive isn't anything I didn't already know and anticipate. I've had situations where people were trying to politely give me constructive criticism, but were nervous about it, so I ended up just telling them what they were about to say.

• Tend to be perfectionists - Maybe it's to avoid criticism (perfect people can't be criticized, right?), or maybe it's because of high ideals. Whatever the cause, I confess I am a bit of a perfectionist. Well, not so much with the house cleaning, but definitely at work. I have learned to let more go - I can only do so much with my time. Granted, I am kinda fantastic so my time is more efficient, but I still can't do everything.  Still undecided if I would do everything if I could. Well, maybe everything I like at least. Or everything I could do better than other people. So, probably almost everything, except the really boring bits. ;^)

• Great at coming up with ideas and following through - On thing about intuitives is we get all these genius, "light bulb" ideas. But often the means the ideas could be like a dog seeing a squirrel, so exciting to chase until the next one comes along. However, the "J" mixed in really helps with the follow through. I find I have an almost stubborn desire to follow my ideas through, even once the fun is gone. This does however often lead me to inadvertently volunteering myself for work projects because I have the ideas. I should really stop having ideas, or at least keep them to myself.

Burn Out is Real...And It Really Sucks

Truth be told, the main impetus for starting this blog, and for being more proactive about change in my life, is that recently I experienced burn out.

I had heard about becoming burnt out before. But I never really knew what that meant. And having never experienced it before, I wasn't sure what to expect, or if it would really even happen to me. But it did. And it sucks!

As a self-identified Type A person, I work a lot. I volunteer for things. I take on a lot of responsibility.  I've been like that my whole life.  I think it started in kindergarten when I won student of the month, and the rest was over-achiever history. I worked a lot in high school. College maybe wasn't so intense (I practically slacked for over-achiever standards). I worked my butt off in law school. But never once have I felt burnt out.

Sure, I've felt overwhelmed. And I've felt exhausted. But there was something important I realized. I think about in law school how it was a lot of work. And not everyone can hack it. But through years and years of experience, professors know what kind of work load legit students can handle. Sure, it sucks, but it ends and you feel accomplished. There is time to refresh before the next round starts. And eventually you are done and get a reward.

Jobs are like that.  You don't have "work units" where you can only take so many before you need special permission from your boss to take more. And you don't get set breaks between hard projects.  If you are the type to take on a lot, there is probably going to be an infinite amount of work you can be assigned. As for breaks, sure people get paid time off, but it's easy to let months, even a year go by without taking a much needed break.

It's an interesting edge to walk for me.  I am admittedly Type A. I like to achieve. More so, I like to be useful to people. I want to be that reliable, go to person when we're down to the last inning and the coach needed a miracle touchdown from the free throw line, or whatever. Plus, I volunteer for like 1,000 things because I just like doing lots of different things.  If it's interesting, and someone will let me volunteer (especially if there aren't enough volunteers) then of course I am going to sign up!

I know this about myself. And for a large part of it, I am not going to change.  Being like this is part of my identity. I bet people I know wouldn't really want me to majorly change this because it's what makes me myself.  The hard part is finding the right balance between being myself, but in a healthy way. I am a BIG fan of Aristotle's Golden Mean. There has to be a desirable middle ground.

But what does it feel like to burn out? After I realized what was happening I looked it up online. Really it's about just having too much stress that you can't deal with it anymore.  I was seriously stressed all the time, I didn't sleep well, eat well or exercise enough. I worried about things all of the time. I worked too much. But it wasn't the actual work so much as the mental stuff on top of it. And I think I just got lost in everything.

I always thought burning out would be this instant thing, like when a light bulb burns out.  But I felt it was more like I was an ink cartridge running low on ink, but I kept having to print more and more, but each new paper was lighter with more gaps in the letters.  Finally I just hit the point where I was done.

I didn't really realize just how miserable I was until I hit that point. It wasn't that I was unhappy every minute of every day. In fact, I had some days that made me really happy, and could easily drown out the bad things.  But after, I realized just how much unhappiness I had.  I wasn't really enjoying life anymore. Even in my down time, I sat around really more trying to dull and distract my mind, rather than enjoying myself.  I found little motivation for things I enjoyed - I didn't read as much, and for sure hadn't written in awhile. I definitely didn't have any motivation for bettering my life. I kept thinking "one day I'll feel better and will make changes, but for now I'll just live like this."

The hardest part is I just haven't felt like myself. Before I burnt out I felt I was being pushed and pulled into someone I'm not.  I would get irritated or stressed, and be meaner than I naturally am.  And after burning out I found I just didn't have energy to care about anything other than my stuff. That's not me - I care about everything! I wasn't motivated. And I sure wasn't happy. The worse things was that I found even the one thing that had been making me happy lately was tainted by my burn out. I started seeing everything negatively.  Honestly, I cried everyday for two weeks in a row. There was always something (music, a TV show, just thinking) that made me realize how sad I was.

It really sucks to write about this. But it was worse going through it.  And as awful as it sounds, and it felt, writing does help, getting it down.  Hopefully this will help someone else. Or at least help me. It's been a rough few weeks. And I don't think I am 100% Dayna again. But I am getting there.  It took some tough self-love. It also took some disconnect time. I realized that to get back to me, I had to pull away from other people. I needed to understand what I was really feeling, and to refill my ink, if you will.  Most importantly, I feel like I've really made a significant change in what I am going to do about life.  I have to find my balance. And maybe I won't get it perfect right off the bat, but I am pretty sure this effort is better than none.

Two Weeks in - Gaining Momentum

I feel like I should have called out in my first post that the blog title is somewhat facetious.  I feel maybe comparatively speaking, I am much more responsible than many adults. But I guess it's just that when hitting my third decade I figured I would have more things figured out by now.  I remember being a kid and people my age (and younger!) seeming so responsible.  Probably more likely I just didn't know crap. Kids are dumb! ;^)

So, anyway, I am now almost officially done with my second week of intentional responsible living! *Give or take a weekend* Week two has definitely gone much better than week one. It helps that people are no longer trying to buy me food for my birthday! Sure, when you're younger, the more partying the better! But now that I'm "old" I was less appreciative of multiple days of reminding my how I've wasted another year being lame and alone.  I don't recommend starting to religiously use a calorie counting app during your birthday week. The reality is SCARY!!

But I carry on! And I find checking items off my list is very motivating. I feel good about myself when I am able to check of most the items at the end of the day. Yes, I haven't gotten them all everyday - life gets busy you know.  But thinking about that check sheet really stays with me when, say, I'm in line at Starbucks and the blueberry scones are tempting me.  Plus, it's much more pleasing to just floss and put on lotion at the end of the day, so I can check those off my list, rather than feel guilty and lazy about it the next day.  Those seriously take 5 minutes! :)

Of course, I don't want this blog just to be about the bad things, or what needs worse. I of course need to remember what keeps me awesome.  As I said at the start, I would call myself completely irresponsible. Here are some things that make me a great adult:

1. I eat vegetables - okay, not as often as I probably could. And I swear I couldn't tell you what kale tastes, or even looks like, but I like vegetables. And I have even been very good at going to the farmers market on Sundays to get fresh veggies. Plus, I support local growers! Wins all around.

2. I pay for my own place - I feel like this is a double win because (1) I don't live off my parents, and (2) I actually pay my rent every month on time. 

3. In fact, I pay all my bills, on time! - If there is one thing I am most proud of as an adult, it's my budgeting and finances (if I forget I owe student loans *shudders*).  Not only do I pay all of my bills on time (usually hella early), but I was able to pay down $10k+ of credit debt from my poor college/grad student days in little over 1.5 years.  I owe it all to this amazing thing I call Microsoft Excel.  A former coworker of mine used to joke my motto was "there's a spreadsheet for that!" and so of course, I have a finances spreadsheet.  And at the end of each month, I pay all of next months bills, and get an oddly nerdy feeling of accomplishment when paying my bills. Plus, I keep a check book registry, because my momma taught me well! :)

4. I type (mostly) full sentences when I text - let's be real, you hit a certain age when you should just use adult language. And thanks to autofill, it doesn't even take that long! After having to use the key pad for texting in the Nokia age, nowadays is cake!

5. I show up places on time - And by on time, I mean early is on time, and on time is late. If you say 1pm, I'll be there 12:50. If I say 1pm, and you're there 1:15, bet that I am judging you!

6. I have this weird skill, it's called manners - I just don't get how more people don't have manners. It just makes the world easier.  And I feel good when I have manners to service workers, who get sadly pleasantly surprised by someone being super nice, and saying thank you.

7. Hell, I even have common sense - this one is like extra credit, or bonus points, or something, because I know a LOT of adults who don't have common sense. I thank my mom for this one too. With as smart, and as lost in my head, as I can get, I could have easily gone really street stupid. So thanks mom!

8. I am cleanly-ish - true, I don't always take care of my dirty dishes right away. And sometimes the only difference between my clean clothes and my dirty clothes is the location of the pile on the floor, but I think over all I am much more clean than not.  And I definitely get into the cleaning mode quite often.  Plus, I am really good at cleaning. Only hoping to exchange this skill for a man who can cook, because I am really more of a cleaner.

9. My work ethic rocks! - To say my work is anything but great would be a terrible, low self-esteem type falsehood.  And people would not agree w/ such a statement.  Honestly, I just take pride in my work, whether it was in school or now with my career. I believe actions speak louder than words, and my character is my destiny.  I have a lot of talent, so it's unfair to the world and myself not to make the best of it.  I feel like Spiderman, w/ great power comes great responsibility, only my powers aren't cool superhero powers.

10. I am a nice person - Obviously another bonus quality, because being an adult could mean you don't have to be nice. Or you won't necessarily get in trouble for not being nice. But I feel like you should just hit a point in life where being negative (in it's many personality traits) to others on purpose just stops being worth the energy.  I am not really sure what actually catches flies, but I catch more people w/ niceness.

So, that was fun.  Maybe when week 3, 10, 25 comes around and I need something to perk me up, I can come back to this list.  I am sure there are other things, but 10 seems just like a perfect place to stop. Plus, in this day and age, readers have short attention spans, and can barely make it through lists (let's not even talk of long prose!). So, if you are still reading this, you can add "has good attention span" to your list. Or at least "is a good friend for reading crappy blogs."  I will leave you now to revel in your awesomeness. :)

The Beginning...

Getting older sucks! But I think worse than the realization that I am getting older is that I don't necessarily feel all that more adult, especially not a responsible one.

Now, I wouldn't say that I am irresponsible. And as far as career adult goes, I'm doing alright.  Almost two years into my first real adult job, with paid time off, expenses and everything, I am pretty much rocking it. But I am not my job (and sometimes I think my job is taking over me).  As for everything else, there leaves much to be desired.

Last year was a big year for me, the big 30! I was super scared, but then it was turned out being 30 wasn't so bad. And I definitely don't feel 30.  Yet, I had big plans! More specifically, a 5 year plan. Five years to just kill it at my job, find an awesome job, get married, and be at least close to my first kid.

So, one year into my five year plan, and what have I accomplished...Not much.  I am still painfully, chronically single. I tried online dating - had exactly one date.  I did take to the Internet to learn to flirt. But I am not sure if (1) my new flirting attempts are so subtle that it's not much progress, (2) I am still too awkward that I anti-flirt, or (3) I am just not putting my eggs in the right basket, so to say.

That is why I have decided to scrap the 5-year plan. Well, not so much scrap (the eventual outcomes are still a goal), but rather to set a more realistic, shorter goal.  Annnd that's how the 1-year plan was born! *blows trumpets*

I am a very structure loving person. And I cannot resist marking things off lists (it's not a compulsion, it's a quirk. I'm quirky!) So, to hold myself account able I created a check sheet. For everyday for 1 year I will mark off every item on my sheet that I complete. And I will hold myself accountable for making sure I complete most or all of my daily activities.

The daily activities vary. I think a big part of being a responsible adult is taking care of yourself. I do this in fits and spurts. So, I am now holding myself accountable to eating healthy and exercising every day (more or less). Other items are less intense, but still important, like remembering to floss and putting on lotion to keep my skin baby smooth.

But some items aren't just about physical well being. I found recently that I let too many things I love become less important as stress took over my life. I can't generate the will to keep my body healthy if my mind isn't. So, one of my daily items is reading or writing at least 30 minutes a day.  And thus, this blog was born!

I see this as a two birds with one stone kind of thing. First, I satisfy one of my daily check boxes by occasionally updating my progress.  But also, I can use this blog to keep myself accountable. And if anyone reads this, they can keep me accountable too. :) Granted, this blog won't get action everyday - I see this as chronically important progress related to my 1-year plan - and I have another blog needing love plus a shelf full of books.  Not to mention the one I am writing (which is going terribly, btw).

So, this is the beginning of...something. If this is the only post in this blog, then I guess I failed. But none of THAT negative attitude! I am going to rock this, punk rock princess style! (Or whatever).