It's Really Not That Bad, I Promise!

It has recently been brought to my attention that it sounds like every time I post anything, it's always negative, so my life must be miserable and in need of fixing. I think this highly over-generalizes, and misses all of the funny, sarcastic things I post on Facebook. But to some extend there is a point. And so I feel the need to clarify that really things aren't as bad as they seem (online).

Here's the reality of my life. I go to work, I spend the day there, and I come home and hang out there too. Sometimes I do things with people during evenings and weekends, and sometimes I don't. The reality of my life is that nothing extraordinarily positive is happening in my life right now. That doesn't mean that I'm not generally happy or that there's nothing good in my life. I go to concerts I love. I see interesting movies, I read, I spend time with the people I care about, I have general fun. But nothing really new or overly special. I haven't gotten a new, exciting job. I don't have an interesting hobby that I'm becoming successful with. I don't have some exciting relationship that's new and invigorating.  So, there's nothing particularly positive or exciting for me to write about online.

But there are things that do stress me out. Add on top of that, I'm a natural worrier and over thinker. Once you add the last layer of under sharing, negative things tend to come out bigger than they are. So let me explain how it goes. When I get stressed about something, the best thing to relieve that stress is action. If I worry about the state of my teeth, I finally break down and go to the dentist. And now that's great and one less worry. But unfortunately not everything can be actionable. And when it isn't, it sits in my head. If you know my head, you know that I an a nonstop thinker. I can't help it. I have a lot of brains and a lot of time to myself to think over things. But when all I can do is think about something, and not act on it, I over think. And this continued loop of thinking can make the stress more than it really is, or should be.

But on top of that, I am not very open. I've probably said (or more likely written) this before. I trust my own council the most, and find it difficult to be open and vulnerable with others. I attribute this to a few different things. First, I know that ultimately very few if any people will ever really understand me. I sometimes have trouble understanding myself. So, if they can't understand me, other people's council is only so useful, but ultimately as the one who knows me best, I have to be the one who decides what's best for me. And the more someone shows their lack of understanding of me, the harder it is for me to value or sometimes even listen to their advice.

Second, there is some arrogance with my intelligence. Being smarter than most people I encounter, I do sometimes question people's advice. Or maybe this is just an excuse I use to undervalue opinions. But third, I really have this whole problem (I've also probably mentioned before) with perfectionism. I've built this reputation of being reliable and steady, so not appearing to have everything together or to be able to weather whatever or just laugh things off is hard for me.

I so want to be more vulnerable with people. Being open is something I really crave and I've been working on. But it's not easy going. While I feel I've been more open than before and that I am making progress, it's not clear sailing. I think part of the reason why things seem so bad is because of this fight to be more open and vulnerable. I am trying, but being an introvert it's hard for me to say a lot of this stuff out loud, except maybe some of it to very specific people. So, it's easier write down, either in a short Facebook post or a long blog. The Facebook posts about annoying people are mostly just venting (and usually trying to be funny too).  It's probably only 1-2 people actually pissing me off (while the vast majority of my coworkers are amazing and I love being around them). It just so happens that 1-2 people can be really overwhelming given the right circumstances.

As for the blog posts, I get that this blog has morphed into some kind of sad, mopey, woe-is-me kind of vent fest. For me it's great because I've been able to get things off my chest and feel better about them. Instead of just letting it vaguely fester inside and built up, I can release it into well thought words and get it out. My ultimate goal is to say more of these things to actual people, but this is a step in the right direction. Of course, to other people who are probably used to my seemingly well put together self, this could understandably seem like a lot of misery. But the truth is I've always been pretty emotional and I've always carried around melancholy or stress. The difference being I would just repress.  Honestly, while it hasn't really been all sunshine and rainbows, I've been pretty decently more fine for awhile than I had previously.

Here's the thing - I've been wrestling for awhile with what I want to do with my life. I still don't really know, but I do know I want to write a book. I'm almost half way there (I think) and I've really enjoyed being able to just focus on living and writing, instead of having to plan out a future. Maybe this is my future, but I haven't been brave enough or crazy enough to say it until now. And maybe it won't be, but I can at least some day soon check "write a novel" off my bucket list.

And I've always felt this weight on my shoulders that I had to live up to something impressive that I still can't figure out, and that not being impressive yet is a big disappointment. So when people tell me I am not living up to my potential, I take it really personally. And when people tell me what I want to do based on my interests isn't good enough for me, or I'm too smart for that, it really pisses me off. Because I don't think it's fair that I should feel pressured to make so much money or do some kind of a job just because I'm good at it. Newsflash, I am good at a lot of things. I just want to find something that I enjoy, and let that be enough. And let me bring all of the intelligence and skill I have to whatever that thing may be, and let that be okay.

So, right now my life isn't that spectacular. I'd like to think I am in a "rebuilding year" - I've been learning about sports ball and using metaphors, yay!  I think I may be on to something about myself, but I have to let myself get there. And I have to be okay with not being amazing right now, and be okay with not knowing what I want past finishing a novel in the next couple of months, one that I may never even let anyone read. And yes, there are a couple things stressing me out at present that may be causing me to wallow, thus making me appeared more miserable than I actually am. Thing 1 is basically just the unknown at this point what my career will look like a few months from now. I know I can't really act much right this moment, but decisions will need to be made eventually, only I have to wait for the impending time to come. So that weighs on the mind a bit - not to mention provides lots to speculate about, and boy does my mind love to speculate from every angle! And Thing 2 is admittedly complicated and more confusing as I leave it unresolved, but knowing myself I'll just eventually get over it if it doesn't resolve itself without me doing anything.

It's just the more the stressers in my life are unanswerable questions, the more my mind dwells and wallows, meaning the more I have to release somehow, without really being good at that. So I just ask people to bear with me, through all the melodramatic blog posts, and the getting a little to heated at happy hours. It's admittedly difficult for me, and what I really need are people unwilling to just let me be quiet, who instead force it out of me even if I get cranky, because I've learned that comfortable isn't always good for you.

Things I'll Never Say ... But Wish I Could

Inevitably I spend a lot of time thinking. It's a curse, I swear! And I've been thinking a lot about what I say, or more accurately, what I don't say.

I'd have to say that the thing that annoys me most about myself, above all the tens of thousands of things to choose from, is how little I actually share. I mean, there is so much about me and so many things that run through my head that I could talk for days on end.

But I don't. And I don't even really know why. Okay maybe I do. I have this barrier or filter that goes up every time I have the opportunity to talk about something remotely important. I can carry a perfectly good conversation about pop culture or things that don't really matter. But the personal, important stuff gets trapped in my head.

Granted sometimes it's automatic. I'm not the kind of person that just throws around facts about myself into everyday conversation. I won't talk about the weather and then mention something my brother said. But more than that, I will actively hold things back, even when I don't have to, or even when offered the opportunity to open up.

Take this week as an example. It was a rough week. I even got caught sitting in a cubicle crying. It's not that I don't cry - I'm a rather prolific crier at times really. It's just that I don't like to let other people see me cry. It's personal. And worse, people always want to know what's wrong! And I wanted to just let the words pour out. They pounded in my head, perched on the tip of my tongue. I wanted to say a thousand things, some totally inappropriate, and things that could have just ruined everything, but just ache going on said.

But I punted. I said only the most obvious, most vague, and least important things. And then comes evasion and misdirection. I'm very good at changing the subject or injecting humor into a situation if it means I can avoid opening up. And I do it so often it's almost effortless.

I almost wish people would just force me to open up. I say almost because that comfortable part of me wants to keep coasting, keeping things inside. But it's not like it would be that hard. I'm not an open book, but I'm not a crazy password protected,  encrypted whatever either. I'm more of an intimidating, heavy closed book that's actually got a lot of great content once someone puts in the effort to open me. (I'm not sure if that's really profound or starting to sound dirty.)

Of course I can write these things down. Writing it helps because I can pretend  no one would read this anyway. Or maybe I don't even need to pretend!  And the reader can pretend because I won't ask. See the pattern.

I don't really know what to do at this point. It's always the hardest when there's so much building under the surface. Maybe this will be the time when I just lay all the cards on the table and gamble big that the one I spill to will actually care and listen. Or maybe time will pass and the urge to talk will quiet itself again. My money's on time.

I Think I Want to Be Selfish for Awhile

Today was an interesting day.  It was definitely an emotional roller coaster.  It ended on a high not, literally, having spent some time singing karaoke with some of the best people I know.  But over the course of the day I was happy, sad, angry, disappointed, bored, excited, pensive, surprised, proud, shocked, disgusted.  There may have been more things in there, but I think I've run out of adjectives.

But mostly I think today hit home a point that I've known for awhile, but I really wasn't willing to admit: My life just isn't very satisfying.

Don't get me wrong - I've got a lot of great things going for me - family, friends, a place to live, a job.  But I've realized I'm just coasting at this point, moving along with the tide.

And for awhile that worked.  For so many years when I was young I had a life plan and took the steps I needed to get there. And when I found myself as a college grad whose plan didn't work out, I just went where life took me.

I've done a lot of random things in the last decade.  I worked retail, I was a nanny, I substitute taught middle and high schoolers, I decided to go to law school and become a lawyer, I got a JD and passed the bar only to decide I really didn't want to be a lawyer after all.  So I've just ended up wherever life just happened to lead me.

I've learned a lot.  I know now that had I know myself this well as an undergrad, I would never have been a science major. Mostly because I've realized I would have been miserable as a dentist - work that's really repetitive, having to talk to people all day every day! No thank you!

And I've taken some time recently to just really find out what I want to do.  And who I want to be.  But I think for some months now I've been using the whole "I don't know where I'm going" excuse as a reason not to do anything, just to stay put where I am to just think.  But I don't think I am going to gain any insight that I haven't had for a number of months now.

I think part of my problem is I spend too much time lost in fantasies of what the future could hold.  "If I did this, this and this could happen and imagine how awesome that would be. Or, "if this works out with so-and-so, this and this could happen and I'd be where I'm supposed to be at my age."  But it never happens.  And eventually it just hurts knowing that something I can almost touch isn't ever going to be real.

I've told myself that the only person who has ever broken my heart is me, because I put too much thought and hope into things that won't happen.  And part of it is I don't put myself out there enough.  But I think part of it is I don't really want these things to happen - or at least I don't want to take the risks that require them to happen.  I'd rather live in my bubble of make believe, while just living my outside life however makes people happy until I can escape to my world again.

But I've had enough of that bullshit, let me tell you!  Here and now I make a personal oath to myself that I will do more for me.  I am the only one that can make me happy.  I am the only one that can go get what I want.  I started this blog with such good intentions of making my life better, and find myself in the same place I was 3 months ago, only now sadder and more bitter because I've let some fantasies last longer than they should.

I am going to be selfish.  I am going to do what I can to make me better - take care of me, do what I want to do, say what I want to say.  And the last person I will let get in my way is me.  It's going to be tough love, but I will stop letting me take a backseat in my own life!

First thing, set priorities.  I've known I'm not happy with the way I take care of myself. And as much as I feel bad for myself when it's hard and I want to give up, tough!  I am going to make myself better whether I like it or not!

Second, I want more passion in my life.  Not like steamy romance passion (although I would take it if it came), but I mean something that gives me energy and makes my want to participate.  I love writing, which is one reason I started this blog, but I don't give myself the motivation to write enough.  Who cares if no one wants to read what I have to say?  This is for me.  My novel is for me.  Maybe people like my writing, maybe they think it's self-indulgent drivel.  Well, tough! Because as a newly selfish human being, I do what I want!

Let's just hope tomorrow, and the next day, and the next, I just keep up this attitude.

Reading and Thinking and Emoting, Oh My!

I did a lot of reading this weekend.  Partly because I took a 4-day weekend but didn't have much to do, and partly to distract myself from the ever dwindling flicker of hope that maybe pushing myself might actually pay off.  Or maybe I just wanted an excuse to sit around all weekend like a bum, but at least feel productive.  Unfortunately I don't find watching things on my Netflix queue very productive (well, I do, but it doesn't sound so to the real world).

I've been reading a lot of non-fiction these days, in large part due to my work book club, and in some part due to recommendations from a friend (and sometimes both at the same time).  I don't usually read non-fiction.  I like stories and fantasy, and imagination and novels.  I guess that's my Intuition (from my MBTI).  But non-fiction can be interesting too.  Let's just say I am working on my Sensing. ;^) And boy could it use some work.

I find it interesting how I've been weaving together what I've been reading with what's going on in my life.  It gives me lots of thoughts.  Currently I am reading two books.  That's one thing I like about non-fiction is I feel like I can read many books at a time as long as only one is a novel, but have 1 or more non-fiction books going on as well.  One book I am reading is called "Quiet," all about introverts - some interesting science facts, who we're under appreciated, how extroversion became the societal norm.  I am also reading "The 5 Love Languages," the Singles Edition (because I am chronically single and at least I can learn to love friends and family even if I'll die alone).

So, of course now I wonder how do people learn to love introverts, and as an introvert, how do I show love (and get love, and nurture it, and not actually die alone)?  I've realized one thing lately, something that I've known about myself for probably a decade, but only recently have been able to put into words that make sense.  I like extroverts.  Looking over the years at my interested, I've always been drawn toward extroverted guys (or at least guys that exhibited extroverted traits in social situations, which in hindsight may have been the extrovert juice).  That's not to say I have liked exclusively extroverts, but they just tend to out number, or at least out impression, the introverts.

But the more I learn about being an introvert, and the more I think about it, the more I wonder how introverts and extroverts come together.  Maybe it's just me - maybe with my big brain and my less than appealing container for my big brain, I have trouble.  But I can't believe I am the only introvert that finds things difficult.

"Quiet" has been teaching me about the psychological and physiological differences observed in some introverts versus some extroverts.  We're in our heads a lot. We reach to stimuli differently.  We're generally more risk-averse, all things I agree with.  But all of that just seems a recipe for loneliness. If extroverts don't understand just brain function wise what it's like, then how can they ever get what I'm throwing down.

"The 5 Love Languages" book brings up some interesting concerns.  I now realize that my love language is Words of Affirmation.  I like when people tell me they like me, that I do a good job, that I'm worthwhile, that they care, etc. etc.  I tend to practice that with a mix of "Acts of Service" because that just feels natural to me.  Like, you can tell I really care about someone if I volunteer to drive even if I do it all the time, or if I give up my lunch break to help someone with a challenging assignment. I'm nice, but I don't just do that for anyone - I do it to show I care.

But as an introvert, I am very anti-touching.  Not that I don't use the "Physical Touch" love language - I am very comfortable with my family and we hug and give caring touch to each other all the time. (Yes, yes, that sounds dirty and full of innuendo, no matter how I write it. Stop being immature!)  But that's my tight knit family.  We're awesome and close.  But I don't let just anyone touch me.  And count yourself very fortunate if I take initiative to touch you!  Because it's hard.

I've learned as an introvert we like a personal space, and part of that is being very sensitive to touching.  For me, there are levels: (1) I either don't know you well or at all, or I don't like you, so you better not touch me! Please be aware of the physical cringe and avoidance maneuvering I take to avoid your touching. (2) I feel comfortable around you so you may touch me.  The degree of touching varies by closeness - a casual friend can get away with the occasional arm pat, while the besties can give me hugs, link arm-in-arm, maybe even a friend butt smack or boob grab.  You know, best friend stuff. ;^) (3) You've made it, you're amazing and I'll actually take the initiative to touch you! I initiate hugs, I smack your butt (sober), whatever.  True, sometimes I unintentionally touch people that don't fit this category, but that's rare.  Mostly, if you can think of at least a time or two when I've touched you, you're welcome.

What does that mean for an introvert drawn toward outgoing extroverts? Es tend to be much more touchy.  What if the right E's primary love language is Physical Touch?  That would be difficult!  Ok, maybe not down the road, but what about at the beginning?  For me, the hardest part is showing interest.  I could be screaming in my head "this is the boldest I've ever been, see what I've done to show you I care?" But it's probably lame compared to all the cute, friendly E ladies out there.  And while I have been working on my touching for flirting purposes, it's still a work in progress. And I wouldn't call it all that flirty - nothing really bold.  It's not like I can say "oh, hey, see how I just lightly nudged your arm there, that means I really flirting with you, in my own, awkward, introvert way."  Ummm, yeah. Not going to happen.

And let's not forget just words.  True, I like Words of Affirmation.  But they are a lot easier to say once someone already knows you feel a certain way.  What's the use of a love language if someone doesn't know you mean it as love?  Like, my saying "you're awesome" doesn't just mean I think you're awesome in general, but more specifically you're awesome, so let's get together.  That's of course an over generalization, since I use awesome way too often for it to really mean anything.  But I do find it difficult sometimes to say these words, even if it's my love language.  Maybe it's the language I like the best because I find it more difficult to use.

And let's take a moment to discuss the love language of gifts.  My general feelings about gifts are that they're difficult.  I like gifts - I really like gifts - at the very least on my birthday and Christmas.  But I think of myself much easier to shop for than anyone else, ever.  Maybe it's because I think too much. To me, a gift really needs to mean something. If I have a great wave of inspiration, a new board game for the b-day girl's board game party, something I have told they want, then sure, that's easy.  But mostly I just get frustrated b/c there are too many options and I want a gift to mean something.  I'd rather just ask, but that can sometimes seem thoughtless too.  Does being an introvert ruin this too? I can imagine being an extrovert helps w/ gift giving because they'll just see something cool - attracted by something shiny out in the world - and just think so-and-so would like this. Bam. Done.  No over thinking, no whatever.  And I highly doubt they agonize so much over the other person's deep reaction. Or maybe they do, who's to say?

And how do Introverts and Extroverts have Quality Time together?  I mean, assuming you can ever get together to HAVE quality time.  How do you tell if you're being purposefully avoided, or just being an inscrutable I again?  Oh geez.  But I digress.  I can see it working, if one type can meet the other type.  Maybe sometimes they go out and to things together they enjoy, like plays or museums or nature walks or whatever - out in the world E stuff. And at other times they hang out somewhere quiet and just talk about deeper things - I time.  I could really get behind that - getting out in the world more w/ someone I care about, and also getting the time to connect in the way I like.  I won't lie, I worry that Es may not be able to connect on the deep cerebral level that I tend to think on (partly why I have this blog).  Or maybe that's just an over generalization on my part.  Or some bitter concern that I'll never be understood.  Or maybe it has nothing to do w/ E vs I, and everything to do with me being too smart for my own good. :^P

But despite all of this thinking and question posing (and ranting? Yes? No?), I really am enjoying reading more non-fiction.  It gets my thinking in a way that's different from fiction - more practical I guess.  And as a constant self-improver, I like reading this stuff that makes me think about who I am and how I do things.  I am also working on the balance of finding out what needs to be improved versus what's just me and perfectly fine the way it is.  Now more than ever I think a lot of how I am is attributed to being introverted, and as much as I can change or adapt, I will always be that way at the core.  And I think with love, whether it's for others or yourself, you will always have to work more to connect and better communicate and work things out, but you have to understand who you are primarily and be true to that person.

And now I am done being obnoxious and mopey, and self-indulging my ever lame ass thought! Time to move on to a new week.

Am I Being a Wallflower?

Yesterday really sucked.  I found myself feeling drained and miserable after a long week. Being over dramatic now, I would say last week was a perfect storm of just crap and bad feelings all at once.  It doesn't help that I am an overly sensitive person who gets overwhelmed by strong emotions that I so smartly keep bottled up inside.  It feels so good to get that down. It's hard enough to admit, let alone put down in a place where I can see it and know that it's real.

But there's this amazing thing that people do that make things ok - it's called writing.  Thursday evening I started reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I've seen the movie before.  Mostly it looked interesting, but partly I was curious to see Emma Watson play someone other than Hermione.  I find I like her 1000 Xs better post HP b/c not only has her acting skills sharpened, but she's a super bad ass kinda lady.  Sorry, off topic.

I am usually the kind of person to read a book before I see the movie.  The book is almost universally better than the movie, so I figure I might as not ruin the story with the movie.  If I see a movie first, chances are I may never read the book (unless maybe if I didn't know there was a book beforehand).  But why did I read this one?  I am pretty selective with the modern novels I read, preferring to be pretentious and read classics written before anyone I've ever met was born.  But I read this interview with Justin Pierre (of Motion City Soundtrack).  He really like the book, so I took it on recommendation.

You may not know this, but I am pretty selective on who I let recommend books to me.  My aunt is one person, since she's an excellent reader and has given me many books I've loved.  My best friend is another, since she's an excellent writer with great taste.  But I've learned from other people that note every one's tastes work with mine. So why did I read this book because Justin Pierre did? I have no idea about his reading tastes.  But it goes deeper than that.  I think of all the musicians I listen to, his words resonate with me the most. There's something I connect to in his music.

So I get why this book really got to me.  It's like that musician, that character, and I are all somehow kindred souls in a way.  It's kind of a crappy way to times, but that's okay.  I think I really needed this book this weekend.  I read it Thursday and Friday evenings before bed, but really plowed through it Saturday morning.  I mean, it only barely breaks 200 pages, so for me that's nothing.

I found myself relating to this weirdness that a few of us have that no one can really explain, sometimes not ever ourselves.  And it's odd this getting to know people and getting into their lives, seeing people and understanding them, yet feeling there's always this space between where they are and where you are.

I am beginning to wonder if I'm too much of a Wallflower.  I've been there before, I think, in different times in different ways.  People I know maybe wouldn't think to say I don't participate, because I volunteer for a lot and like to get involved.  But something happened the other day that threw me off.  I did this exercise where a partner and I had to write 3 words that we thought about the other.  One of the words the other person thought about me was "mysterious."  I wouldn't call myself mysterious.  Far from it! I would call myself bland, boring, uneventful, weird maybe, but definitely not mysterious.  But this person told me something like they know things about me but then there's like there's more out of reach that I don't share.  I was surprised to hear this, not because it's not true (I know this about myself) but mostly because I thought I hid it pretty well.  I think that with most people they are too busy sharing about themselves that they don't really take the time to notice it's a lot more one sided than it appears. Not that I don't care.  I guess it's just easier for me to be the friend who cares and listens, and just never gets much of a turn. Or never takes much of a turn.

I think the part the hit home the most, that really hit a sore spot for me, was after Charlie told Sam about how he loved her, and she told him she doesn't feel any of that because he won't let it out.  He can't keep all these things in his head, but had to start taking action.  It kind of reminds me of this Motion City Soundtrack lyric I can't completely remember, something about discovering I cared a little too much for friends but not enough to share.  I worry that I do this.  I worry that I have all this living inside my head and I care, but people don't know.  And they don't know what I am really like.  And I worry that those things that I feel are so obvious, that I feel come bursting out of my skin because I feel them so much, just aren't making an impact.

Actions are hard.  As someone prone to thinking a lot, doing a little, and then thinking a whole lot more, the doing seems so much bigger than it might actually be.  When I think for days over what to say in an email, I take 10 minutes to write the email, and then agonize for days over all the ways the email could be taken, it makes that email seem like life or death - every wonderful thing that could be won or lost is hanging on that one email.  When in reality it's probably not that big of a thing to the recipient.

I really needed this book this weekend.  I needed to connect with someone (even fictional) that was in the same melancholy space I was in this week.  I think I needed to work through some things I couldn't reach without help.  Maybe it was totally random that I decided to read this book now.  Maybe my subconscious remembered the movie better than I do and knew I needed this story now.  Who knows?  But I needed to here those words. And I also need to participate more.  I've known this for awhile and I've been trying.  But it's about trying harder.  Or sometimes just trying at all.

My Myers-Briggs Type Part 2 - This Also Explains Why I'm Single

As I probably mentioned in the last post, I've read a LOT about Myers-Briggs, and more specifically my type.  I wrote the first blog post because I thought there was a lot of general traits that I relate to and wanted to share.  However, I felt inspired to write a second post exploring being an INFJ and how it may have contributed to me being single.

I recently read online an article that typed Ted Mosby as an INFJ too. I am not sure if that is accurate, but it could explain why I love Ted Mosby so much. And I am the Ted of my friends group (you should meet our lady-Barney). So, I thought I would tell this tale with some Ted Mosby quotes.

Wait, why am I single?
I read something that declared why each type was single based on their MBTI. INFJ said it's because we don't trust people. Is that really true? Or is it we're just too smart to throw trust around willy-nilly? Or is it just that really lots of people aren't worthy of trusting? Okay, I admit I am not the most trusting. I like people, sure. But I keep a safe distance. So, maybe part of my being single stems from not letting guys get that close. Maybe someone liked me but I wrote them off before I even noticed their interest.

But I am working on this.  I find it's easiest to open up about small things. So, I throw out innocuous personal facts when the situation arises.  I mean, if a guy is interested, it's not fair for me to soak up all his facts w/o sharing my own. And, if he's the type of guy to show interest by asking questions, my refusal to open up could be seen as not having interest.

Wise words, Mr. Mosby, wise words.








This may explain things too:
I recently found this article online about dating an INFJ. I found some of the items very instructive, both for my (hopefully) eventual future BF, and for me to hopefully overcome some of the more single-inducing traits, like:

• Not looking for a temporary thing - this resonates. Maybe mostly because of my age. But I think also because I am an emotional person. Just when I like someone I can get really swept up in it.  I like emotional connection, and getting deep with people. It's something I do with friends, so in a relationship it makes sense too. I am not saying necessarily looking for The One right off the back, just Mr. Maybe - someone who doesn't have to be obviously right, but isn't obviously wrong either. 
  

• Forgetting to take care of themselves/Loves helping people - Umm, I have this problem with just work. I worry too much about making sure everyone is taken care of that I forget about me (have you seen my burn out post?). Not really sure this contributes to being single, but it would definitely be a sign I'm interested in someone. I mean, I wouldn't take my precious free time to do boring things for just anyone. And it's not just anyone I would drop what I am doing to go help. :)

• We can be strange - Yes, I am odd.  I like so many random things - sci-fi/fantasy, loud punk music, classic literature, just to name a few random things. I sing alone all the time. I have random ideas I can't help but share. I get passionate about things like the Oxford comma. I am not for the faint of heart, the boring, or the dumb. I have a quick wit and sometimes I'm hilariously snarky. That's a lot going on in one person. So of course I am not for everyone, and I am an acquired taste. And I am okay with that. I would much rather be me and wait for someone to get that, then have to deny large parts of myself.

• Human lie detector - Ok, I am not sure if I have ever detected a bold faced lie (I haven't been actively looking for catching them, so I just don't know). But I know I am good at telling when someone is hiding information. Or when someone is being cagey on purpose. Or when someone is being fake. I personally see no point in being anything than honest (you can honestly say you can't divulge info), and anything other than yourself. I am always trying to know myself better and embrace her, I couldn't date anyone who wasn't real to themselves.

• Have issues opening up - yep, so true. It's hard enough opening up to just family or friends. But there is an extra level of closeness that comes with a relationship. But like I said in the last post, I am working on opening up little by little - gain trust with bits and pieces. On the list I saw on why my MBTI type is single, it said I should end up with someone who has been a friend for awhile and can prove trustworthy. So, guess the best approach is just opening up like I would to a new friend, and hopefully the rest comes eventually. Of course, this makes online dating hard (plus the being strange part too). :)

• Not a fan of PDA - I realized a few years ago that I am not a very touchy-feely person. I mean, with close family and friends I am not adverse to things like hugs, pats on the back, typical stuff. But that's a very small circle of people. I remember that moment years ago at a bar with some friends, watching an acquaintance flirt with someone I liked, and thinking of course she's getting the attention. She's all subtly handsy and very touchy. And I thought I never do that, nor would I ever feel comfortable. But lately I've learned it's something that can be practiced. My online research has told me that touching is a good way to flirt. So, while it's not very comfortable to me, I made a conscious effort to do it. I remember the first time I consciously went to innocently touch a guy. It was a simple pat on the shoulder - no big deal. Externally, it looked like nothing, but in my head it was super slow motion. I could see my hand slowly reaching out to his shoulder. I thought "am I really doing this!?" The moment of contact was really intense - OMG that happened! Afterwards I was super proud. And with some practice, it's actually pretty easy now - effortless, without always conscious thought. Of course, I wouldn't want to go crazy. Even the thought of holding hands in public makes me nervous. Best to keep the DAs out of the P.

• Being future oriented - what girl hasn't idly daydreamed about her crush and their future wedding, or taking their future kids to Disneyland? Am I right? No? Awwwwkward!

• Don't initiate things - It's not that I don't want to, it's just really hard. Oh the number of times I've wanted to initiate things. And the number of times I almost got there. But there's always some reason not to - most of them having to do with needing to open my mouth and say something not totally terrible. I think this is a big issue for me. Initiating things may even go as far as not initiating interactions where it can even be read as me being interested. Mostly I worry about it being too obvious, and that being gross. But then I don't want to be not obvious enough in case there's hope. But then timing is important and I wouldn't want to initiate something at the wrong moment. And I am so over initiating things while under the influence of liquid courage. I think of the last time I was (mostly) clear-headed and ready to do something, and then the Universe threw the most random and annoying things in the way and the moment was gone. I think I will just wait this out. Didn't "He's Just Not That Into You" say that if a guy likes a girl, he'll make it happen? So really, I should just wait for that. ;^0

• Being off in our own world - yeah, my head gets kind of busy. There is a lot going on in there, I could easy spend all of my time there and completely ignore the outside world. Plus, it's strange in there, so when it spills out, it can be off putting. Let's not forget, as an introvert, I like my me time. I just need to learn to not have so much of it.  I did read something online about accepting that you can't fully understand your INFJ, because sometimes they don't fully understand themselves. I found this simultaneously reassuring because I wasn't the only one, but also incredibly sad because it's possible I may just never really be understood, even by someone who loves me. So, it makes hiding in my own world seem like a good option.

So, I just have to remember that when I start to feel like this:

I just need to have more hope and just do what I can, because I really believe this:

Thanks Ted for always giving me something to believe in! :^)

My Myers-Briggs Type Part 1- This Explains a Lot

A number of months ago (not sure if those months add to full years or not) I took a Myers-Briggs Type Indicator test. It was offered as an alumni event where we'd take the test and then a career advisor would discuss the types and what our results mean.  When I initially took it, I thought it was interesting, but didn't really do much with the results. However, awhile later, I got a wild hair to look at the results again. And then led to me getting a book. And then two books. And then more books, plus reading tons of stuff (with varying levels of seriousness) on the Internet. Suffice to say, I know a lot about the MBTI now, and more specifically my type.

I typed as an Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judgement (INFJ). For people unaware of MBTI, or at least not up on all the type, this is the rarest combination of traits, with only 2-3% of the population as this type. Not going to lie, this fact alone really fueled my interested in Myers-Briggs and my type. It was nice to learn that, no, I am in fact not a loner weirdo.  While I may be rare, I am not alone. :)

I definitely was not surprised that I am an introvert. I think about parties I went to in college when I wasn't in the mood. No matter the fun around me, if I wasn't in the mood, I couldn't get the energy. My favorite thing to do at these time was ask someone to "hold my drink for a minute." And then I would go home. Such a douche move, yes, but affective. My friends wouldn't let me go home if I told them I wanted to go home.

Intuitive means I take in information looking for more meaning and relationships (instead of just 5 senses information). Feeling types make decisions based on how the affect people, instead of objective logic. Judgement people prefer to make decisions, and get things done in an ordered, planned manner (instead of waiting to take in more info and having to accomplished things all right at the end).

But when you put the letters together they start to mean different things depending on the mix. Like because I am an introvert, my letters tell me my primary cognitive function is introverted intuition, which basically means I'm all up in my head all of the time trying to interpret the meaning of things, and probably not noticing anything around me. My letters also say my auxiliary cognitive function is extroverted feeling. This basically means my interactions with the world is through feeling based decision making.

There are definitely some characteristics typical of INFJs that I really related to. Such as:

• Generally seek harmony and avoid conflict - I am a big fan of harmony. I like people to get along. I've found at work I have the uncanny knack of listening to other people argue points, understand what those points are, and then explain the situation to them both to harmonize their points. I find this very useful for moving meetings along, especially when people argue the same point, but just can't understand they agree with each other.  However, seeking harmony also means avoiding conflicts. I confess to  holding things in because I don't want to start a fight. At it's worse, the things just build up until I lash out. I have been working on trying to address issues before, but it's not easy. But being a conflict avoider also means I don't let a lot of small things get to me, because I just don't want to start a fight.

• But can stubbornly stand up for important values - A coworker of mine recently told me that I can sometimes egg things on and not drop things. I got a little offended. But then knew she was right, and I was offended because the truth hurts. But it's just that when I care about something, I really care, and I won't let other people just push that aside. I think part of it comes from just knowing I can trust my intuition no matter what other people say, and as someone who has strong convictions, I have to stand for them.

• Deeply empathetic and quickly understand other people - I have a magic power. This magic power is understanding other people, maybe even better than they do.  I can pick up on all types of communication, including many things beyond just what was said. I have this knack at figuring things out that other people don't want anyone to notice. It helps in learning secrets when I figure them out before the other person can tell me. ;^) I am also really good at being able to take what people can't really totally explain, and then sum up their feelings to them in the perfect words. It helps that I am good with words, too. On the down side, I am like an emotional sponge. If I am in a great mood, but people I care about aren't, I can absorb their moods. Like the other day at work, some of my coworkers were really stressed about a work project that I had to offer the very little help I could because I just couldn't stand them all being so tense. Plus, just offering help gave some positive vibes that helped everyone. :^) It also took all my will power not to start giving out hugs, and back rubs, whispering "it's going to be okay." Not sure how work appropriate that is. :^)

• Very private/take time to open up/tend to have small circle of close friends - I read it somewhere describing INFJs as a quick read and a closed book - i.e. we read people really fast, but are ourselves very closed off. It really doesn't seem fair. I confess this is one of the big things I am working on lately in life. I noticed that I really don't share much about myself. I am quick to talk about my pop culture stuff or work stuff, but I shy away from personal information. But being so friendly it seems sneaky to me - like you wouldn't think I was very private unless you really stop to think. And of course if I dropped some of my more private secrets, people would definitely be shocked. I think it just comes down to trust. I want to surround myself with people I feel like I can open up to and really trust. I prefer just a few close friends that I spend time with, rather than gaggles of acquaintances. 

• Highly emotional and hyper-sensitive to criticism - I have lots of emotional. This may not be super obvious, because I have excellent emotional maturity, but inside I feel, a LOT. To me, emotions are complicated and nuanced, and I not only feel them deeply, but I appreciate how feelings feel for their own sake. I think because I am so sensitive, I take criticism harshly. Even little things, or things given in a positive manner are felt deeply. I found that being very self-aware helps.  I really try to analyze myself and know my own weaknesses. That way, most criticism I receive isn't anything I didn't already know and anticipate. I've had situations where people were trying to politely give me constructive criticism, but were nervous about it, so I ended up just telling them what they were about to say.

• Tend to be perfectionists - Maybe it's to avoid criticism (perfect people can't be criticized, right?), or maybe it's because of high ideals. Whatever the cause, I confess I am a bit of a perfectionist. Well, not so much with the house cleaning, but definitely at work. I have learned to let more go - I can only do so much with my time. Granted, I am kinda fantastic so my time is more efficient, but I still can't do everything.  Still undecided if I would do everything if I could. Well, maybe everything I like at least. Or everything I could do better than other people. So, probably almost everything, except the really boring bits. ;^)

• Great at coming up with ideas and following through - On thing about intuitives is we get all these genius, "light bulb" ideas. But often the means the ideas could be like a dog seeing a squirrel, so exciting to chase until the next one comes along. However, the "J" mixed in really helps with the follow through. I find I have an almost stubborn desire to follow my ideas through, even once the fun is gone. This does however often lead me to inadvertently volunteering myself for work projects because I have the ideas. I should really stop having ideas, or at least keep them to myself.

Burn Out is Real...And It Really Sucks

Truth be told, the main impetus for starting this blog, and for being more proactive about change in my life, is that recently I experienced burn out.

I had heard about becoming burnt out before. But I never really knew what that meant. And having never experienced it before, I wasn't sure what to expect, or if it would really even happen to me. But it did. And it sucks!

As a self-identified Type A person, I work a lot. I volunteer for things. I take on a lot of responsibility.  I've been like that my whole life.  I think it started in kindergarten when I won student of the month, and the rest was over-achiever history. I worked a lot in high school. College maybe wasn't so intense (I practically slacked for over-achiever standards). I worked my butt off in law school. But never once have I felt burnt out.

Sure, I've felt overwhelmed. And I've felt exhausted. But there was something important I realized. I think about in law school how it was a lot of work. And not everyone can hack it. But through years and years of experience, professors know what kind of work load legit students can handle. Sure, it sucks, but it ends and you feel accomplished. There is time to refresh before the next round starts. And eventually you are done and get a reward.

Jobs are like that.  You don't have "work units" where you can only take so many before you need special permission from your boss to take more. And you don't get set breaks between hard projects.  If you are the type to take on a lot, there is probably going to be an infinite amount of work you can be assigned. As for breaks, sure people get paid time off, but it's easy to let months, even a year go by without taking a much needed break.

It's an interesting edge to walk for me.  I am admittedly Type A. I like to achieve. More so, I like to be useful to people. I want to be that reliable, go to person when we're down to the last inning and the coach needed a miracle touchdown from the free throw line, or whatever. Plus, I volunteer for like 1,000 things because I just like doing lots of different things.  If it's interesting, and someone will let me volunteer (especially if there aren't enough volunteers) then of course I am going to sign up!

I know this about myself. And for a large part of it, I am not going to change.  Being like this is part of my identity. I bet people I know wouldn't really want me to majorly change this because it's what makes me myself.  The hard part is finding the right balance between being myself, but in a healthy way. I am a BIG fan of Aristotle's Golden Mean. There has to be a desirable middle ground.

But what does it feel like to burn out? After I realized what was happening I looked it up online. Really it's about just having too much stress that you can't deal with it anymore.  I was seriously stressed all the time, I didn't sleep well, eat well or exercise enough. I worried about things all of the time. I worked too much. But it wasn't the actual work so much as the mental stuff on top of it. And I think I just got lost in everything.

I always thought burning out would be this instant thing, like when a light bulb burns out.  But I felt it was more like I was an ink cartridge running low on ink, but I kept having to print more and more, but each new paper was lighter with more gaps in the letters.  Finally I just hit the point where I was done.

I didn't really realize just how miserable I was until I hit that point. It wasn't that I was unhappy every minute of every day. In fact, I had some days that made me really happy, and could easily drown out the bad things.  But after, I realized just how much unhappiness I had.  I wasn't really enjoying life anymore. Even in my down time, I sat around really more trying to dull and distract my mind, rather than enjoying myself.  I found little motivation for things I enjoyed - I didn't read as much, and for sure hadn't written in awhile. I definitely didn't have any motivation for bettering my life. I kept thinking "one day I'll feel better and will make changes, but for now I'll just live like this."

The hardest part is I just haven't felt like myself. Before I burnt out I felt I was being pushed and pulled into someone I'm not.  I would get irritated or stressed, and be meaner than I naturally am.  And after burning out I found I just didn't have energy to care about anything other than my stuff. That's not me - I care about everything! I wasn't motivated. And I sure wasn't happy. The worse things was that I found even the one thing that had been making me happy lately was tainted by my burn out. I started seeing everything negatively.  Honestly, I cried everyday for two weeks in a row. There was always something (music, a TV show, just thinking) that made me realize how sad I was.

It really sucks to write about this. But it was worse going through it.  And as awful as it sounds, and it felt, writing does help, getting it down.  Hopefully this will help someone else. Or at least help me. It's been a rough few weeks. And I don't think I am 100% Dayna again. But I am getting there.  It took some tough self-love. It also took some disconnect time. I realized that to get back to me, I had to pull away from other people. I needed to understand what I was really feeling, and to refill my ink, if you will.  Most importantly, I feel like I've really made a significant change in what I am going to do about life.  I have to find my balance. And maybe I won't get it perfect right off the bat, but I am pretty sure this effort is better than none.

Two Weeks in - Gaining Momentum

I feel like I should have called out in my first post that the blog title is somewhat facetious.  I feel maybe comparatively speaking, I am much more responsible than many adults. But I guess it's just that when hitting my third decade I figured I would have more things figured out by now.  I remember being a kid and people my age (and younger!) seeming so responsible.  Probably more likely I just didn't know crap. Kids are dumb! ;^)

So, anyway, I am now almost officially done with my second week of intentional responsible living! *Give or take a weekend* Week two has definitely gone much better than week one. It helps that people are no longer trying to buy me food for my birthday! Sure, when you're younger, the more partying the better! But now that I'm "old" I was less appreciative of multiple days of reminding my how I've wasted another year being lame and alone.  I don't recommend starting to religiously use a calorie counting app during your birthday week. The reality is SCARY!!

But I carry on! And I find checking items off my list is very motivating. I feel good about myself when I am able to check of most the items at the end of the day. Yes, I haven't gotten them all everyday - life gets busy you know.  But thinking about that check sheet really stays with me when, say, I'm in line at Starbucks and the blueberry scones are tempting me.  Plus, it's much more pleasing to just floss and put on lotion at the end of the day, so I can check those off my list, rather than feel guilty and lazy about it the next day.  Those seriously take 5 minutes! :)

Of course, I don't want this blog just to be about the bad things, or what needs worse. I of course need to remember what keeps me awesome.  As I said at the start, I would call myself completely irresponsible. Here are some things that make me a great adult:

1. I eat vegetables - okay, not as often as I probably could. And I swear I couldn't tell you what kale tastes, or even looks like, but I like vegetables. And I have even been very good at going to the farmers market on Sundays to get fresh veggies. Plus, I support local growers! Wins all around.

2. I pay for my own place - I feel like this is a double win because (1) I don't live off my parents, and (2) I actually pay my rent every month on time. 

3. In fact, I pay all my bills, on time! - If there is one thing I am most proud of as an adult, it's my budgeting and finances (if I forget I owe student loans *shudders*).  Not only do I pay all of my bills on time (usually hella early), but I was able to pay down $10k+ of credit debt from my poor college/grad student days in little over 1.5 years.  I owe it all to this amazing thing I call Microsoft Excel.  A former coworker of mine used to joke my motto was "there's a spreadsheet for that!" and so of course, I have a finances spreadsheet.  And at the end of each month, I pay all of next months bills, and get an oddly nerdy feeling of accomplishment when paying my bills. Plus, I keep a check book registry, because my momma taught me well! :)

4. I type (mostly) full sentences when I text - let's be real, you hit a certain age when you should just use adult language. And thanks to autofill, it doesn't even take that long! After having to use the key pad for texting in the Nokia age, nowadays is cake!

5. I show up places on time - And by on time, I mean early is on time, and on time is late. If you say 1pm, I'll be there 12:50. If I say 1pm, and you're there 1:15, bet that I am judging you!

6. I have this weird skill, it's called manners - I just don't get how more people don't have manners. It just makes the world easier.  And I feel good when I have manners to service workers, who get sadly pleasantly surprised by someone being super nice, and saying thank you.

7. Hell, I even have common sense - this one is like extra credit, or bonus points, or something, because I know a LOT of adults who don't have common sense. I thank my mom for this one too. With as smart, and as lost in my head, as I can get, I could have easily gone really street stupid. So thanks mom!

8. I am cleanly-ish - true, I don't always take care of my dirty dishes right away. And sometimes the only difference between my clean clothes and my dirty clothes is the location of the pile on the floor, but I think over all I am much more clean than not.  And I definitely get into the cleaning mode quite often.  Plus, I am really good at cleaning. Only hoping to exchange this skill for a man who can cook, because I am really more of a cleaner.

9. My work ethic rocks! - To say my work is anything but great would be a terrible, low self-esteem type falsehood.  And people would not agree w/ such a statement.  Honestly, I just take pride in my work, whether it was in school or now with my career. I believe actions speak louder than words, and my character is my destiny.  I have a lot of talent, so it's unfair to the world and myself not to make the best of it.  I feel like Spiderman, w/ great power comes great responsibility, only my powers aren't cool superhero powers.

10. I am a nice person - Obviously another bonus quality, because being an adult could mean you don't have to be nice. Or you won't necessarily get in trouble for not being nice. But I feel like you should just hit a point in life where being negative (in it's many personality traits) to others on purpose just stops being worth the energy.  I am not really sure what actually catches flies, but I catch more people w/ niceness.

So, that was fun.  Maybe when week 3, 10, 25 comes around and I need something to perk me up, I can come back to this list.  I am sure there are other things, but 10 seems just like a perfect place to stop. Plus, in this day and age, readers have short attention spans, and can barely make it through lists (let's not even talk of long prose!). So, if you are still reading this, you can add "has good attention span" to your list. Or at least "is a good friend for reading crappy blogs."  I will leave you now to revel in your awesomeness. :)

The Beginning...

Getting older sucks! But I think worse than the realization that I am getting older is that I don't necessarily feel all that more adult, especially not a responsible one.

Now, I wouldn't say that I am irresponsible. And as far as career adult goes, I'm doing alright.  Almost two years into my first real adult job, with paid time off, expenses and everything, I am pretty much rocking it. But I am not my job (and sometimes I think my job is taking over me).  As for everything else, there leaves much to be desired.

Last year was a big year for me, the big 30! I was super scared, but then it was turned out being 30 wasn't so bad. And I definitely don't feel 30.  Yet, I had big plans! More specifically, a 5 year plan. Five years to just kill it at my job, find an awesome job, get married, and be at least close to my first kid.

So, one year into my five year plan, and what have I accomplished...Not much.  I am still painfully, chronically single. I tried online dating - had exactly one date.  I did take to the Internet to learn to flirt. But I am not sure if (1) my new flirting attempts are so subtle that it's not much progress, (2) I am still too awkward that I anti-flirt, or (3) I am just not putting my eggs in the right basket, so to say.

That is why I have decided to scrap the 5-year plan. Well, not so much scrap (the eventual outcomes are still a goal), but rather to set a more realistic, shorter goal.  Annnd that's how the 1-year plan was born! *blows trumpets*

I am a very structure loving person. And I cannot resist marking things off lists (it's not a compulsion, it's a quirk. I'm quirky!) So, to hold myself account able I created a check sheet. For everyday for 1 year I will mark off every item on my sheet that I complete. And I will hold myself accountable for making sure I complete most or all of my daily activities.

The daily activities vary. I think a big part of being a responsible adult is taking care of yourself. I do this in fits and spurts. So, I am now holding myself accountable to eating healthy and exercising every day (more or less). Other items are less intense, but still important, like remembering to floss and putting on lotion to keep my skin baby smooth.

But some items aren't just about physical well being. I found recently that I let too many things I love become less important as stress took over my life. I can't generate the will to keep my body healthy if my mind isn't. So, one of my daily items is reading or writing at least 30 minutes a day.  And thus, this blog was born!

I see this as a two birds with one stone kind of thing. First, I satisfy one of my daily check boxes by occasionally updating my progress.  But also, I can use this blog to keep myself accountable. And if anyone reads this, they can keep me accountable too. :) Granted, this blog won't get action everyday - I see this as chronically important progress related to my 1-year plan - and I have another blog needing love plus a shelf full of books.  Not to mention the one I am writing (which is going terribly, btw).

So, this is the beginning of...something. If this is the only post in this blog, then I guess I failed. But none of THAT negative attitude! I am going to rock this, punk rock princess style! (Or whatever).