I have not written in my blog for many months. I've had the writing bug several times but not really sure what the focus should be. So I decided I needed to write about something as a way to wrap up 2022. I had a few different ideas, and since none felt more right than the others, I figured I'd put it all together in a 2022 wrap up. And yes, I know that there are still a couple weeks left of 2022, but since I am on my work sabbatical now, I figured I have the time. Plus, with my Disneyland trip and then Christmas, I don't know when else I'll have the time and energy, and other than that I don't expect anything of note to happen anyway. If I have some really exciting Disneyland stuff to share, social media with pictures is much more fitting!
So, sit back, relax, and try to enjoy this somewhat slapped together, who knows where it's going to go, menagerie of randomness that is this end of year blog post. (NOTE: I am impressed at the Google spell check's ability to determine I was trying to spell "menagerie" by the horrible jumble of letters I typed.)
Entertainment
(I found the blog image is always the first pic or video that is used in the blog. So I'm putting this here even if not 100% in the right spot. 😄)
The Playstation end of year wrap up came out yesterday. Again for the 3rd year I am both impressed and somewhat embarrassed by my stats. But I like video games, so whatever. And I also had Covid, so one of those weeks I really beefed up my average because I was stuck in my room for over a week.
My top five games doesn't really surprise me. Mostly. I am not surprised that Dead by Daylight was my top game, but I am impressed that it jumped up to #1 since I only started playing it this year in early September. I had it for awhile and decided I wanted to see if I would take to it. Clearly I have. I may be a little worried just how well I've taken to the Killer role, but I am also a pretty good survivor. Either way I get a kick out of the things I get away with playing against real people on the internet. I think being observant of human behaviors has come in handy when playing this game.
Horizon Forbidden West makes sense as my #2 because it's a very large game that I played through 3 entire times. I wish I had played through on the easiest difficulty and bought all the weapons and gear BEFORE my hardest difficulty run through, since the gear would have come in handy. But I lived and I learned. I am kind of surprised Minecraft was #3 because I stopped playing it for awhile, some because of burn out and some because the big update from earlier in the year made my world WAYYYYY too slow. But then I started over on my PS5 and that got some play. #4 makes sense because it's two games in one, and I played them both because I couldn't get the platinum trophy without playing both. And I guess Planet Coaster makes sense only because I cannot think of any other game I played that took longer than that. I am a little surprised that Control didn't make the top 5 because I played all of that, including the DLC. I guess it took longer to build rollercoasters, which makes sense because there is a good portion of time waiting to earn money to do something else, and instead moving janitors around to clean up the trash.
Turns out my last platinum was earned in August. I had this big bold plan to play through all of the shorter games in my backlog. I got through 3. And then Dead by Daylight happened. I don't have that Platinum yet because one of the easy trophies for the base game was glitched and I only just got it earlier this week. And then one of the other 6 trophies I needed for the Platinum became glitched with a release from earlier this month. But I'll get there. I do have 155 of the other DBD trophies, so I've been busy.
(And yes, I did disappear from writing this blog for 30ish minutes to look up DBD memes. I won't share any here because I doubt anyone reading my blog would get them, assuming anyone would even read this. I laughed hysterically.)
So, I don't have Spotify because I'm old, so I still buy my music through iTunes. Besides, I listen to a lot of not hella rich and popular artists, so I want to give them more money. Artists make a very minuscule amount per play. So I don't get an app generated wrap up for that. However, since music is my favorite thing and I do silly things with my collection, I can make my own wrap up of music. Besides, I have in the past written about albums I've been listening to, so I can kind of combine those two concepts.
(I like this meme because it reminds me both of my music listening habits AND how I park.)
When I buy new music I have a process. I have a playlist folder of all incoming new music. Each new album gets its own playlist, and then I usually have one for misc. one off songs I buy. I then listen to the songs in a playlist at least 20 times so I become familiar with the music. Once I've listened to the playlist enough, the songs go into a sorting playlist in the new music folder. After that playlist gets long enough (from my laziness, not from necessity) I then sort those songs into my existing playlists, if those songs apply. I have like 10-15 playlists with different themes (moods, types of songs, whatever) so I like to make sure I integrate new music so I don't ever have to redo the entire playlist. I am explaining this because it explains why some of these albums have been in my collection for awhile before I've listened to them. I have like 15 albums in my new music backlog, and artists that I love more end up getting listened to faster. Or if something hits or doesn't hit based on where I'm at in life, some albums get listened to sooner or later. Although I'd like to think they get listened to exactly when I needed them.
The first album I listened to a lot in 2022 was You're Welcome by A Day to Remember. I purchased the album in March 2021, but didn't start listening to it until like April 2022.
(I love this meme so much! 😂)
This YouTube channel I've checked out a few times (The Punk Rock MBA) included this album on a list of albums by well liked bands where people didn't like one particular album. He described it as an album any band could have made, and not really special music with that ADTR flare. I get that. But if an artist who makes their own music has something else mixed in, their experiences and talents made that music. So I wouldn't get this album with these ideas from someone else. And when played on random with the entire catalog, I think the songs fit in. I guess I just like to allow artists to have some range (as long as the music is still good). For me, Common Courtesy is my favorite ADTR album because I like the mix of heavy and pop sounds with the songs on that album. Plus I think their artistry in song writing keeps getting better, and I think technically the song writing is really solid there compared to some older stuff. For me Bad Vibration leans too heavy into the harder sounds and feels darker and emotionally heavier. I think You're Welcome leans at times too much into the pop sound and isn't as heavy with the metalcore. Not that any of that is good or bad, just noticing what albums are like at the ends of the metalcore/pop spectrum, and that for me Common Courtesy is in the sweet spot in the middle. Now for some of my fav You're Welcome songs!
I find Mindreader very fun. And despite my people skills, I cannot actually read minds, so I enjoy the concept of not being a mind reader.
I also enjoy the song Bloodsucker. I can relate to someone bleeding you dry, emotionally. Plus, before Twilight I loved vampires! And then I switched to enjoying zombie content, which proved not ruinable yet by the same b.s. that make Twlight suck.
I would say that is album only has 2 songs that are truly in the metalcore vein of ADTR's music. There are some emotionally heavier songs, like those discussed above, but musically is still in a lighter vein. I love the song Resentment, but I am pretty sure I've written about that song before because the single came out much earlier than the album, so much so I was surprised the song was also included on the album.
The second is the song above, Last Chance to Dance (Bad Friend). I remember thinking there really should be more songs about friend issues, and then within days I happened upon this song waiting in my new music processing folder. I chalk it up to my music collection and I being psychically connected, so it knows what to play for me when. Sometimes my iPod plays things for me that is clear it's being a jerk, but that's still a link. I do think the very end of this song is a little much. Like I get he's mad, but I've never been THAT mad to think something like that. I did realize though that ADTR's angry music in general tends to capture how I feel when I get angry. I love this music video. I think it's adorable, funny, and sad all at the same time. The grim reaper just wants to make friends!! I own a Last Chance to Dance t-shirt. In early July I had a very illuminating and heavy/hard/rough conversation with my therapist that left me so angry. Like so angry I woke up angry every day for like 2 months. Sometimes later in July I got an ad for this t-shirt, and let anger and pettiness win. But now I won't wear it, mostly because I feel bad, but also because I don't even like the design and the fabric is stiff and uncomfortable. I think that's only fair.
I like the rest of the album but like a number of albums I have, the back half is less appealing to me as the front, which usually means the play count for the front half gets higher than the back half. I do think it's funny there is the Fuck You Money song and the Only Money song. Like the messaging to me is money isn't worth missing people and memories, but if I got a fuck ton of money I'd go off! 😂😂 Like obviously people can have multiple feelings about things, I just get a giggle from it.
The second album I listened a lot to in 2022 was Elsewhere by Set It Off. The band's earlier albums were more heavy sounding, but I like the more pop sound they moved to for the last 4 albums. It feels way more their style than the earlier music. Through all of the music though they kept a sense of theatricality that I love. Lots of energy, sass, silliness and feeling. I love them a lot. I think Duality is still my fav Set It Off album, but both Elsewhere and Midnight before it are super solid and close contenders. I bought this album in January 2022 and started listening to it I think June (maybe May), so it didn't sit for that long.
Overall I love the color scheme for the album art and the music videos. So many vibrant colors!! I feel that too even with the music - the lyrics, music and singing feel colorful. While I feel like Skeleton is a solid start to the album, Projector gives some really great energy as the 2nd track. I also really love the lyrics, both because I relate to them and also because I think they are very cleverly written with a lot of great imagery.
I love Why Do I so much. It's actually sad concept why, but the song is a poppy fun jam! It definitely gives me early 90s vibes musically. (I have been drinking apple wine while writing and jamming, so it's dance break time!! It's also 11:27pm.) I also appreciate when a super peppy music video decides to creep me the f out at the end. That's so Dayna.
Dangerous is super fun! Set It Off has a great knack for writing some bangers that feel fun, empowering, sassy, that I want to listen to while I have the windows in my car down driving around town.
My favorite song from this album is easily Cordial. I love the energy with this song. It starts out with some strong strings (I love some good strings). I can definitely groove with the song, and the energy and sass builds. I particularly love the sassy, sarcastic "yeahs" in the chorus. By the 2nd chorus the energy hits harder and it's time get groovy and sassy again. And I'm a fan of the ripping guitar rifts b/t chorus 2 and 3. This is one of those songs I have such a fun groove on by the end that I have to hit repeat multiple times.
In late June/early July I started listening to Red (Taylor's Version) by Taylor Swift. I bought it in November of 2021, but I must admit Red is probably my least favorite Taylor Swift album. I mean, least favorite among a bunch of really great albums by a wonderful artist - something had to bottom the list. When I got the Fearless rerecording I loved that so much, having never listened to most of those songs. I didn't take to the entire album of Red like that. But I started getting into it more during my trip to Oregon in the early summer. My mom drove and let me listen to music the entire ride, so I laid back in my seat and listen to all Taylor Swift. As the Red songs came on, I got into several more than I had before. Listening to this album too it really hit me that Taylor Swift experienced a lot of emotional abuse. Some of her other music has views and behaviors of hers and her lovers' that are problematic for relationships, but there was a lot of stuff in this album in particular that really struck me. I've said it before - Jake Gyllenhaal seems to exhibit a lot of classic avoidant attachment behaviors - running off at conflict, expressing superiority - and it seems like they were stuck in that avoidant-anxious cycle that happens when these two types get together. Luckily for me I am mostly a secure attachers, but that mild avoidant streak keeps me from wasting time on other avoidant attachers when they act up. Some problematic behaviors that seem almost casually sung about are making fun of her dreams, being condescending about having better taste. Seems like a lot of controlling and maybe even some gas lighting behavior. Obviously this is just her side and she even tattles on her own bad behavior. But it is so sad to hear these kind of detrimental things sung about, and I wonder if people out there who relate to these lyrics truly understand what that means for their experiences.
I know 5 of the songs from this album from the radio, so I won't include those. I think for the most part the songs I know sound the same as the other version. For some reason I think Everything Has Changed sounds the most different, and I don't like this version as much. I sounds similar enough, but I almost feels like it drags, where the original flows so much more for me. I don't know if it's the music or if it just didn't catch the mood in the same way.
Now that I am writing this, I realize that The Moment I Knew is the only non-vault song from Red that I have on my favorites list. I got me right at the start with the strings! I'm a sucker for the strings! This song makes me so sad! Taylor is such an amazing story teller.
I Bet You Think About Me is my favorite from this album! It's so fun, sad, sassy, catchy - Darn you Taylor Swift for getting me to like your country songs. While I cannot relate to this situation specifically, I do get what it's like to be someone from a poorer background feeling out of place amongst people from better childhoods. It's interesting listening to conversations with law school classmates and coworkers who had lawyers and doctors as parents, while I was used to one parent who worked their butt off because the other jumped from low paying job to low paying job because of attitude problems. I like to think I have a lot of wonderful talents and traits that make me someone with spending time with, no matter who you are or where you came from. And I would be hard to forget. As for the music video, I love the concept! Plus I am a sucker for all the fabulous red dresses!! If it's two things that I feature in my wardrobe - it's the color red and dresses. Granted, over 50% of my wardrobe is black. But red and pink are the prominent colors. And I can't stop buying cute dresses!!! I think I'm just making up for all those years that society made me feel to fat to feel comfortable wearing dresses. But now I don't care because I'm adorable and have a fun sense of fashion!
I find Forever Winter an interesting song because it makes the favorites list even though it has issues for me. I think what puts me off with it is that I love the verses much more than the chorus. Generally with songs you want to chorus to be the part of the song that grabs people because it's the repeated part and like the "theme" of the song, while the verses explain the theme. It's not that I dislike the chorus or bridge (they have grown more on me with multiple listens), it's just that I absolutely love the verses so much that I wish there was more them and less of the rest of the song.
The final album I listened to a lot in 2022 was Midnights by Taylor Swift - yes another T Swift album!! This one I started to listen to immediately upon purchase. I was irritated that I bought the album and then learned that there was an extended addition. That's on me and not being prepared. But I bought the additional songs because I have to have them!! It's definitely a different vibe from listening to Red in the earlier part of the year, and I do love this album as a whole. (Reputation is probably still my favorite - say what you want!) Everyone is really into Anti-Hero. I like that song, but it doesn't make my favorites list. But often my favorites are not the majority, and I like it that way. Everyone can like what they want and I support that. When I listen to this song I appreciate her being introspective, but also from listening to Red this year I want to be all "you we mistreated a lot, so don't take on more than you should just because others made you feel that way!!" And also, there's a line about covert narcissism - she's probably not an actual narcissist, but fake altruism is probably more in line with classic narcissism. I recently watched a psychology YouTube video that says covert narcissists tend to lack the grandiose behavior and charm of a classic narcissist, and covert narcissists are actually sullen, moody, negative, tend to blame other people and play the victim. They are covert because they are not likable like a classic narcissist. I just thought that was interesting. I enjoy learning about psychology recreationally, and then sharing it with people.
Midnight Rain is by far my favorite on this album. No joke I've listened to this song over 80 times in two months. Short, fabulous songs are dangerous for my play counts. I don't know if I can put into words what draws me to it so much. I love the imagery of the story and an actual rainy midnight that is created with a combo of the lyrics and music. It's beautiful and sad and fluid.
I don't know where Vigilante Shit came from, but it's genius! The beat is so sick and the concept is badass.
Bejeweled is so fun! And since there have been multiple things this year that felt like it dulled my shine, it's fun to listen to and feel like "hell yeah, I still sparkle". There are so many glittery things in the music video!!! I'm a sucker for glittery things!!
According to the internet, the theory is that Would've, Could've, Should've is about John Mayer. I like the vulnerability and rawness of the song. I feel like over and over again I am drawn to songs that want to crawl inside and tear me apart from the inside.
And now as I am done writing this section, I'll go back and listen to Midnight Rain 5 more times.
Gratitude
Back in 2018/2019, I don't fully remember, I experimented with going back to church for a few months. I consider myself spiritual but not religious, and I have a deep respect for people of any faith that embraces a sincere practice of their faith, but also a healthy criticism for people who use their faith to persecute and control others. It's a balance with very weighty thoughts on each side. Anyway, I went back to church temporarily because I needed to be reminded that not everyone who goes to church is a conservative bigot who hates minorities and preaches hate. During that brief time I read about Saint Francis and his thoughts on gratitude that I have carried with me since then. He practiced gratitude during hard times, and said that you don't get happy things and then feel gratitude towards them, but rather you should practice gratitude and then like happiness will come. We can always practice gratitude and find things to be grateful for whatever is happening, we just have to do it. It's not meant to downplay to hard ships in life and be toxically positive or anything, but really about the practice of finding joy and beauty in things by practicing gratitude and being able to use that to work through or overcome life's hardship. Idk, I could be paraphrasing or misinterpreting or whatever. Mainly I just like the idea that gratitude leads happiness, instead of I have to have happy things happen to me before I can practice gratitude.
At some point during law school when I started my big self awareness journey I realized I got it in my head that I was required to appear to have my shit together at all time. I was an achiever. I worked hard and was talented and achieved, and all that had to be done with an air of keeping calm and put together. I wasn't allowed to struggle. I wasn't allowed to share that things were tough. I was impressive so I had to keep anything that would shatter that illusion to myself. When things were hard and I struggled with anything - school, relationships, mental health - I kept that to myself. I would bury it and let it out in alone spaces. If needed, I would self isolate and then come out into the world again when I had gotten myself together. I couldn't be a burden on others with my stuff because I had enough to be grateful for, I didn't need to be anything less than together. But that's not the truth. I do struggle with things. I do have issues and need support. So I've worked for many years since then to be more open and vulnerable. With this work I've learned that people relate to that, people want to be supportive, and people appreciate the condor. Not everyone is going to obviously. And people that want to hate you are going to use your struggles as a way to put you down or make themselves feel superior. But those people don't matter. It's the people you love and who love you that will be supportive and love you all the more for being vulnerable and sharing with them. Those are the people who matter. It's funny because I've always loved, supported, and given grace to the struggles and vulnerabilities of others, but I continue to struggle to give that same thing to myself.
Now, what does either of these ideas have to do with my 2022 journey? In 2022 I have embraced the healing support of other people and practice the gratitude of having so many wonderful people in my life. Some of my closest people have supported me so much during the year, letting me be vulnerable and seeing my struggles with love and kindness, giving me caring and sometimes tough love. And so many other people have given me support whether they knew it or not just by being people I can go have fun with, laugh with, keep my busy so I can relax into the joy life has to offer. In the past where I would have retreated into myself and home, I have kept my calendar and heart full by embracing so much care and joy around me. I appreciate so much the wonderful myriad of people in my life. I have made more of an effort to give appreciation to people. Every laugh, every hug, every I love you, every brightened face that sees me walk over to say hi, every moment of connection are so important and so healing. There are so many ways great and small people can be there for each other and bring joy to each other, and I am so grateful for that.
Forgiveness
Earlier in the year I had mentioned to my therapist that my blog was one of the ways that I help process things and use as cathartic outlet. Obviously anything that I would write at length about what I've been working through in therapy would not be for public consumption, but she did suggest that if I wanted to write something, I could write about something more generally, an essay of sorts. She suggested I write about forgiveness. I've thought about this a lot over the last few months but wasn't ready to bring myself to write about forgiveness. Sometimes in moments of sadness or anger people can feel different than how they would feel when calm or think objectively.
I feel like there are two purposes for forgiveness. The first is interpersonal. We forgive someone because we want to mend and maintain a relationship. It could be something as small as forgiving your coworker for taking too long to respond to an email, to something huge like a major violation of trust from a friend, family member or significant other. For me, forgiveness for mending is meant to show I understand the perspective of the other person and accept their explanation and apology, that I am committed to working out whatever solution needs to resolve the issue if any, and that I am letting go of the hurt. And on the opposite side those are the same reason I want to apologize, whether I proactively realize I need to apologize or I learn I hurt someone - I am committed to taking accountability even when needing to explain myself, I want to and work to understand the other person's experience, and I am committed to doing work on myself to resolve the issue and not repeat the same thing in the future. the second purpose of forgiveness is for the person doing the forgiving. Part of healing is being able to let go and move on from a hurt, no matter if the issue is resolved or not. It's easy to forgive a late email and may be done before or immediately upon response. Some things are much harder to forgive and take a lot more time and healing.
I've thought a lot about the barriers to forgiveness. I am thinking about barriers that I see as valid struggles to forgiveness. There are always going to be people who won't forgive or fake forgiveness because they want to hold something, real or fabricated, over someone's head to control and manipulate them. That is not okay. Forgiveness can be hard though because it requires someone who was hurt in some way to get past that and move forward. For example, if you feel like someone's apology is insincere, it can be hard to forgive them because if you're trying to mend a relationship, an insincere feeling apology can make you question the other person's commitment to mending things or like their understanding of why you were hurt. Also, I can imagine not wanting to forgive someone for something they do over and over and over and over again without any signs of even incremental growth. Like if we hurt someone because of our own flaws, we can't magically no longer have those flaws and not hurt anyone ever again from them. Sometimes it may mean the next instance we do better but not best and have to apologize again. And that's fine. It's about progress and not perfection. But if we hurt someone over and over and over without working to do better and never make progress, the apologies become meaningless because we aren't learning, we're just trying to get away with continued bad behavior. And for someone to continue to forgive that is hard and unfair. I can also see it hard forgiving someone when their apology is sincere but they don't seem capable or willing to understand how or why they hurt you. Or a situation where the apology is sincere and they understand the wrong, but the apology may never feel substantial enough because the hurt was so big. Ooh, or like a situation where the person can make clear they sincerely apologize and they get what they did wrong, but the hurt cannot be mended with words and it is only going to take time to prove the commitment to mending something. Like in a situation where there was a big violation of trust that the forgiving person just has to wait and see if the apologizing person is going to follow through on not violating trust again. Or if the apologizing person had long standing hurtful behaviors that the forgiving person has to wait and see if the other person will recognize situations for bad behavior and then not do the hurtful things - you know like if your sister had a history of calling you stupid and you finally after years expressed you hated that, and you have to wait and see if she catches and prevents herself from doing that ongoingly in the future.
There's also the barrier of the other person never apologizing, whether they didn't ever try, or had an opportunity they didn't take, or refused to acknowledge they had anything to apologize for. Essentially, it takes that first purpose for forgiveness off the table. The other person by not apologizing is denying the want or need to mend the relationship. So it leaves the forgiver to figure out how they can heal and get what they need for themselves to get to forgiveness.
And I get the feeling of not wanting to apologize in some situations. I know for me generally I have a value of wanting to take accountability for my actions and knowing when I messed up, and trying to be proactive in saying I did wrong, or at the very least being very mindful of seeing things from others perspective, listening, and taking the feedback to heart to see if I need to apologize for something. I think selfishly we all have situations where we feel we took accountability for things and feel like it's not fair to further apologize or take more accountability without reciprocity. Or feeling it unfair to apologize when we feel in the pie chart of things to apologize for we don't own largest slice. But from my own values and from learning about psychology and good relationship maintenance, I know that each person independently needs to take accountability for their own bad behaviors. But of course this I think requires that both parties approach accountability by being open and receptive. Because there are definitely times when apologizing is not safe. If it's a situation where one person feels backed into a corner and required to take accountability for way more than they should, and feel like they have to cut themself down just to "earn" any empathy or kindness from the other person, there's no point apologizing in that situation because the other person is just gaining ammo and control, and isn't going to give the understanding and care the apologizing person is looking for.
But back to someone is in a place to consider giving forgiveness for things needing an apology that never came and this someone is willing be forgiving and mature about it, there are different barriers to getting to that forgiveness on their own. I think understanding the why can make it easier or harder. Like even without an apology, knowing full well the hows and whys of something hurtful can affect the path to forgiveness. If the person is just a huge mean, selfish jerk or a narcissist, knowing that could make forgiveness harder because people who are bad just to be bad are harder to forgive, but knowing hurt came from a place of hurt in someone else or knowing there were no bad intentions can make it easier to forgive because the pain wasn't intentional and cruel, but rather other circumstances were too much to overcome to prevent the hurt. Not knowing enough about why something happened can make it harder to forgive. In those situations there are so many questions. Whether the hurtful person held things back or felt they were very clear on the whys, the hurt person may feel they don't know enough or understand enough why. And that's hard because you don't always get more information, or even want more information. And there could be that sort of hesitation to forgive someone if you think maybe the reasons are worse than you may logically deduce. There's also just like with getting an apology, maybe the person feels the hurt, especially with no apology, is just too big to forgive. I think about all these murder shows my mom watches and how some family members can forgive the murderer and how some can't, and how I find both outcomes fair and valid - and I HOPE that I will never have to know what I would do in that kind of situation!! The last barrier to forgiveness I can think of - I tend to think of this in the without an apology group, but I guess can apply with one too - is when the hurt damages a person's relationship with themselves. I see that as behavior that undermines the other person's sense of self, whether controlling, manipulative, gas lighting, etc. It's hurtful and scary enough to learn you cannot trust someone you thought you could. But it's additionally scary to learn that you cannot trust yourself or have betrayed yourself in some way. As an analogy, it's easier to heal from a scrape on your skin than from internal organ failure. Because a person can always cut a toxic person from there lives, and while the hurt remains at least the on going hurt is gone. But if a person has internalized the hurtful behaviors and has done them to themselves (or others), that is harder to heal.
I think the reason why it took me so long to be able to think about and write about the landscape of forgiveness with because I wasn't ready for it. For awhile I didn't even want to think about whether I could do it. I know logically it was the right thing to do, but I was still healing and afraid if I had to make that decision I would be all "fuck forgiveness", so I just didn't even consider being ready to make that decision. And then after some time I healed and knew I wanted to get there, but I wasn't there yet. I could see it on the horizon but it still looked off in the distance. But like boating towards the shore, I found myself coming upon it eventually. I realized I had to forgive myself first. It's one thing to as an adult learn that people from your childhood and teen years, when you were still forming, contributed to the behaviors you fix and free yourself from. It's another thing to be an adult where you've done so much work and feel like you have such a strong sense of self, and then experience things that make you hold yourself back and make you feel diminished or give up your power. I had to accept for myself that I didn't always make the right call for me and that I experienced new things that I can't keep myself from being hurt by. And accepting that I still have things to learn about walking the line between empathy and asserting my boundaries. I think a lot of it too comes down to me knowing the only thing I have control over is myself, but that I don't have to be so controlled. And there isn't always going to be "if only I had done this" solutions, and sometimes there is no right course, just different difficulties to navigate depending on the course I take.
I finally got to forgiveness. And like my therapist told me many times, forgiveness doesn't mean you condone the behavior or that you want the person back in your life, it means that you are ready to let go and go about your life. Forgiveness doesn't mean that thinking of things will no longer make me sad or angry. Forgiveness won't make the triggers suddenly go away and won't stop the mini panic attacks from encounters. But it helps. And each day things get better. I've healed a lot. Like months ago I needed to prepare myself so I would break down into tears or have a full blown panic attack. But now I find preparing myself mentally is more of a burden than when I walk through the door and have a panic attack before I even prepare because they aren't that bad anymore, and I can give myself a moment to recover and then go about my business knowing they are over. I learned the best way to take my power back is to accept sometimes I'm powerless but I am nimble and strong enough to roll with it. There have been some days when my panic response gets triggered or something makes me really angry that I think maybe I am not ready for forgiveness and will mentally revoke it. But it's not magic and it's a choice I have to embrace in each moment as they come. Also, I am not an angry person and being angry has been a weird, uncomfortable experience for me. And underneath it I know that as much as I hurt, mine is just a shadow, an echo. And thinking what that must have been like guts me. My therapist said that I've processed it all and got from it what I could and am working on healing. And I don't know if what keeps people from forgiveness is not making it through everything, or not letting go of it all once it has served its processing purpose, but for me I don't want to hold on longer than it has serve its purpose. It's like with baking - there is a ideal amount of time for each thing to fully bake and then be done - take it out too soon and it's still raw, leave it in too long and burns - and you're only going to know when it's done by putting in the time and then checking in on it.
Looking Forward
What I felt I've needed for a good chunk of the year and what I have finally found is something new to look forward to. For one, a friend and I started learning to kick box. I am so glad she asked me to join in this adventure! It's hard work and I get my ass kicked with every workout, but it's so rewarding. I am enjoying learning something new, instead of just like walking on a treadmill. And having a friend to do this with makes it more fun and easier to stay accountable. And we have an awesome coach teaching the classes that works us hard and is supportive. Plus it feels great to punch things (we have only dabbled in the kicking parts so far - mostly punching). This isn't anything I thought I would be able to really do, and even when things are a struggle I can still push through and it feels great! So don't mess with me. I don't want to ever need to punch someone, but as a women it feels safer knowing I could.
Second, in January I signed up to participate in a pop choir for a couple months. This is not something Dayna from a few years ago would feel brave enough to do. But a different friend shared the info and it sounded like so much fun. Whatever happens, I want to embrace putting myself out there in a new space. I love singing and love the idea of trying a new opportunity to share my voice.
And who knows where these things will lead. I may find or make new opportunities in the new year, or dig more into the ones I already have. I just feel excitement again for my life and I want to lean into that. So I am going to take into 2023 lessons, gratitude, hope, excitement, and leave behind the things I needed to carry but is there time to be put down.
