Here's to a Better Year

Wow! It's been awhile. 2016 sucked and it's really time to just shut the curtain on the year. But I feel I learned some things in 2016 that will (hopefully) help make 2017 better. A blogger I follow posted a list of questions to answer as 2016 closes, so as an exercise I wanted to answer them. There blog can be found here.

1. What made you feel the most alive this year?

I would have to say going to exciting places and being with people I care about. My trip to Ireland was amazing! I was great to see someplace new and take myself out of my daily life to experience the world. I also had so much fun at Disneyland, embracing the holiday spirit and having fun on the rides with people I care about. I also really appreciated all of the times spent with my friends and family. I have some really amazing people in my life that I wouldn't trade the world for.

2. How did you surprise yourself in 2016?

I surprised myself with standing up for myself and taking action against things that sucked. Although the issues with my landlord and the AC drama sucked and took way too long to resolve, I am proud and surprised that I held my ground and stood up for myself. It also helped to have a great lawyer/friend helping along the way. I am also surprised and proud of how I went after what I wanted with my job. I was really unhappy most of the year, but I took action to fix it, and after much waiting and keeping up the hard work, I finally got to where I wanted to be. Now that I am on a new team, I couldn't be happier! It's an amazing difference, and every time I remind myself of the change I get a big smile.

3. What did you do this year that you regret?

I probably regret the time I spent complaining and the time I spent wallowing in sorrow. Things sucked and I tried the best I could to get past a lot/most/maybe all of it. But I definitely could have done a lot better at some things, and could have spent less time complaining or crying over my sorrows.

4. What made you cry the hardest this year?

There was a lot to cry about this year! My grandma died in January, work was really stressful, and 2016 sucked a lot overall. There were some points this year (and honestly even starting back in June 2015) where I cried more days in a week/month/year than days I didn't cry. I would like to think if everything else sucked less I would have cried overall less. But the thing that really made my cry the hardest (speaking both the most volume wise and individual instances) was breaking my own heart. The sad thing I realized recently is I really did everything advice would tell you. I opened up. I became much more vulnerable than I have ever been. I put myself out there more, at least more by my standards if not others. And for awhile last year I thought I was getting somewhere. That's what really makes it hard because all signs pointed to positive results. And it wasn't just me - it was many people, some who weren't even in my circle that I told stuff to. So this year there was a lot of dealing with the aftermath of opening myself up, getting really emotionally invested, ready to fall, and then realizing circumstances weren't as I thought and crashing hard. The worst part was - I don't know if there really was one worse part. It hurt feeling so confused by the situation. It hurt pulling down wall after wall after wall, only to suddenly needing to put some back up but not knowing how. It really hurt realizing more and more how wonderful this guy really is after knowing it wasn't going to happen. It hurt keeping my pain to myself, and it hurt imagining the repercussions of what happened if I opened up completely. It hurt putting a lot of blame on the other person for leading me astray down this path, and it hurt feeling no one was really at fault for just being quiet. It hurt thinking over and over again, because as an INFJ I think WAY too much, and from a zillion different angles. So, I cried a LOT. I cried way more than I think anyone really realized. I got really good at crying while driving. I got really good at hiding when I cried, or coming up with other valid reasons for crying so as to avoid the subject. But seriously though, I cried so much that if I cried one more time I was going to punch myself in the face!

5. Which friends have been there for you the most in 2016?

I am so lucky to have met such great friends in law school who I hang around. I've had great times with my 3 amigos. I also have 3 amazing friends I met through work who have been really solid this year. Plus, my family who are also my friends because our family rocks!

6. What are you most grateful for as this year draws to a close?

I am grateful for the people I care about. Without them, I don't know how I would have survived this year.

7. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?

I think compared to this time last year, I am happier but definitely weather worn by sadness. This time last year I was already sad from some things and (unbeknownst to me) headed into even sadder times. Now, I believe I am coming out of it and much happier for the most part.

8. What did you do to take care of yourself this year?

I think I was up and down with this. I did have some good moments of taking care of myself - a lot more walking (thank you Pokemon Go!) and a month with no sugar! I just wish I had been consistent, and also taking care of my emotional health a lot better.

9. Where was the best place you traveled to this year?

Ireland, duh!

10. What did you do for the first time in 2016?

I bought my first car! I mean, the first car I bought myself - my other 2 cars came from my parents.

11. What did you do for the last time in 2016?

Saw my grandma. I am just glad I was able to see her a few times while ill before she passed.

12. Which days from 2016 will you never forget?

My time in Ireland. It's so beautiful and the trip was amazing!

13. What did you accomplish this year that you’re proud of?

Does surviving the year count? I think just weathering a lot of storms and coming out the other side stronger and more like an adult.

14. Who did you need to forgive this year?

Hmmm...not really sure. I am sure there are some candidates, but not sure if I am willing to admit/accept I need to forgive them.

15. What were you most afraid of this year?

I was afraid I would fall apart and never get back together. Or that I would just let my life continue to suck without doing anything about it.

16. How did life surprise you this year?

How can so much suckage happen in one year? Seriously! 2016 is the worst! Everyone says so.

17. How was this year better than 2015?

Well, June 2015 was when I had my burn out, so having not burnt out in 2016 I say that makes this year better.

18. How was this year worse than 2015?

So many things happened that were stressful and sad! My family lost 3 grandparents! The world suffered! Read things above! 2016 just kept coming with a lot of punches that really wore me down.

19. Who did you miss the most over the past year?

Definitely my grandma, and at the most random times.

20. What was the most valuable thing you spent money on this year?

My Ireland trip. Maybe it's the Millennial in me, but I really do believe experiences are more important than things. 

21. What did you waste too much money on this year?

I probably spent too much money on Starbucks. But I need coffee to live, and there used to be a drive thru Starbucks on my commute to work. Now that I switched offices, though, I've cut back more. I make more coffee at home now.

22. How did you spend your birthday this year?

I had some very sweet birthday surprised from my coworkers - I had my desk decorated a couple times (once completely wrapped in wrapping paper). I spent my actual birthday visiting family, and the next day in Universal Studios and did the Wonderful World of Harry Potter!!

23. What was the best book you read in 2016?

I just finished last week "Red Rising" on a recommendation from a fellow bibliophile. It is such a good book! I think I described it like The Hunger Games, meets Hogwarts, with a boatload of Roman mythology mixed in.

24. What do you wish you’d spent more time doing this year?

I should have read and exercised more. But I will make up for it in 2017!

25. What do you wish you’d spent less time doing?

Crying - I definitely should have spent less time crying.

26. What made you the angriest in 2016?

I was definitely really angered this year by people who intentionally hurt others because they were too selfish, proud, ambitious, lazy, controlling, and/or stupid to do what was right. I am just glad to know that you reap what you sow - sometimes it just takes longer for the consequences to bear fruit.

27. When did you feel the most at peace this year?

I am not really sure I had any of those moments this year, or at least none that were memorable.

28. What is the biggest risk you took in 2016?

Going after what I wanted for my career instead of just taking what others were willing to give. It turned out not to be that risky in the end, but it felt so at the time.

29. What made you laugh the hardest this year?

Probably some random list of silly things on the Internet. There were so many hateful and sad things online this year, I am glad there is also a lot there to make my just laugh until it hurts!

30. What ended for you in 2016?

My time with my Chevy Malibu. RIP Kelly! But seriously, probably the thought that I am not ready for a relationship. As much of a beating my heart took, it also felt really good to be excited about someone, and I can't wait to feel that again, only about someone who actually is excited about me too, in that way. And I don't really think anymore that I am unlovable. I think the right person who is right for me will love me as I am, and I am not really as insecure about that anymore. Finding the right person may not be my top priority in 2017, but it's definitely something I am a lot more ready for.

31. What began for you in 2016?

Probably the hope that I could actually finish writing a book and it not suck! I may not have gotten finished this year, but definitely early next year - I have given myself permission to believe I can be a writer! Plus, it helped my BFF read what I have so far and it didn't suck!

32. What song will always remind you of this year?

Well, I would have to say "Drunk" by Ed Sheeran, since as I read this question that song came immediately to mind. OMG, I cried to that song sooooo many times this year! There are probably more, but I won't list them. Best to hope they remind me of other things, or nothing, eventually.

33. How did this year differ from the way you thought it would go?

I honestly don't think I thought about how this year would go. I dived into 2016 really quickly, and it was April before I knew it. After that, I just tried to slough through the year until October and my Ireland trip.

34. How would you describe your personal style over the past year?

I love my style - I think I have a simple classy style, with a little punk rock twist. I like to keep things simple yet elegant. And no leggings as pants!!!

35. Who in your life did you look up to the most this year?

Not really sure. Probably no one in particular.

36. Which quote best sums up the past year for you?

"Fuck You 2016" - John Oliver

37. Did you fall in love this year?

No, decidedly not. But I am not the Ted Mosby of my friend group for nothing! I will find that person! I will find my equivalent of a yellow umbrella person. Really, I'd love to find my own Ted Mosby, so if you know anyone...

38. Did your heart break this year?

No, but it's amazing how much you can prolong or aggravate a broken heart with a good amount of wallowing.

39. What was your favorite TV show in 2016?

Definitely Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. That and Game of Thrones, plus Once Upon a Time. I know I really like a show when I look forward to it being on, and I get sad immediately after the episode ends because I have to wait forever for the next one! (even if "forever" is only a week)

40. Which (if any) new years resolutions did you keep this year?

Well, I kind of, sort of kept some good habits, although the overall effect is nil.

41. Which (if any) new years resolutions will you be making for next year?

This is the year I stop just saying I am going to be healthier and finish my novel, and it's going to start being the year that actually happens!! Plus, I just want to get out in the world and do more.

42. What disappointed you the most in 2016?

Everything. Everything is just one disappointment after another, especially the Pokemon Go holiday events. I just want an effing Lapras!! Is that too much to ask?!

43. Who did you rely on the most in 2016?

I would probably have to say myself, but not in a good way. But I do think I am getting better at relying on others. I opened up about a few things, although often later than I should have, and I feel good that I was able to rely on people to help.

44. Who might you owe an apology to at the end of this year?

Uh, no one, duh! Okay, probably a lot of people, but I am going to keep those thoughts to myself. No need to tattle on myself.

45. How did you grow as a person over the past year?

See above. I think I am stronger and more world weary/wise. I hope it just means I do better in the future.

46. What made you feel the most stuck this year?

Work for awhile, because I was unhappy and I just had to wait to see what happened from other people I couldn't control. Plus, I would have to say my feelings, because sometimes they can feel like a whirlpool of doom that I can never swim out of as I think over things over and over and over from angles you would not even believe possible.

47. What made you feel the most inspired this year?

Reading. Books change lives!

48. If you could go back and give yourself a single piece of advice on the first day of 2016, what would it be?

Is "run away and become a sheep farmer" a legitimate answer?" Instead, I will go with a quote from a picture on my wall - "Think less, do more." 

49. What’s the most important thing you learned this year?

I just have to keep on keeping on. I can't let the bad stuff keep me down or scare me away. I am stronger than I want to admit, and people will back your play if you work hard to earn it.

50. What do you hope will be different for you by this time next year?

I am really hoping to be so focused in everything I want to accomplish - finishing and editing my book, getting into shape, volunteering, taking up a new hobby or a few - that the year will fly by and I'll be a much happier, healthier, and accomplished person. I am hoping 2016 was just the trial by fire I needed to harden myself into the steely resolve I need to jump start the next big chapter of my life!

Making a Turning Point Out of Now

I think I am going to be okay. I think that as bad as 2016 has been so far, now it's going to turn around. *knocks on every piece of wood within reach* - just in case.

I keep returning to how much 2016 has sucked so far, because it's been really bad. I can think back to just a couple weeks ago when I seriously thought I was at my breaking point and wanted to give up. I am not sure what giving up looked like, other than just leaning into the misery and giving up on being positive until January.

But I think I finally have hope things are going to turn around. It's going to take work, and I am going to have to dig deep for the motivation and resolve, which I can either really shine with or really be inconsistent with. And I know I've said it before, but I am really ready to take action to reinvent my life.

There are things in 2016 that sucked that I couldn't control. Things that made life miserable. Some can't really be undone or lead to something better. I joke about jury duty being on the list of the miserable things. (It would not have been had it not been so crazy at work! I want to be on a jury someday!) But earnestly, I lost my grandmother this year - my grandparent I was closest to of all. I still get these times when I think "oh, my mom isn't calling back because she's probably visiting grandma" or I think about how much alike we were, but I didn't really realize it beforehand. I love her and I miss her. I can't use that as a springboard for anything better. I can just hope the sadness fades in time while the memories stay bright. I also can't do anything about my two sets of aunts and cousins who lost two parents/grandparents this year. That's a lot of loss for one family. I can only hope we've seen the end death for quite awhile. *knocks on all the wood again, very firmly!*

But there are things I can improve upon. I've thought to myself many times these last few weeks that there are 4 things in my life weighing on my mind and making things difficult. And that coming to a resolution on these 4 things will get me past this low place to allow me to thrive again.

The 1st item was something giving me headaches for years. That would be my car. I knew I would be replacing my car eventually, but having no car payment really had to be weighed against all of the other nuisances. The AC had been broken in my 2003 Chevy Malibu for awhile. This would have been summer 5 without AC. A few years ago while in law school it used to make the clicking sound like the turn signal was on, only it wasn't on and the sound was none stop. I couldn't use my trunk much b/c the latch had to be replaced after the time my trunk refused to close and came open while on the highway. Sometimes my turn signals wouldn't work so I had to punch the dashboard or punch in the emergency flasher button. The passenger door made this terrible squealing metal sound when opened from that time I got too close to the concrete poll at a gas station. The check engine light came on a lot at the end - not sure if it was really the engine or because the light liked to come on whenever I got gas. Sometimes the car would randomly overheat b/c of not enough coolant, but stopped telling me it was low. My driver side visor fell of so I had to wear sunglasses when I drove or I couldn't see.

The final straw was a little over two weeks ago when I turned off my car to go into a store and my horn started blaring nonstop. It eventually died on the way to the auto parts store - a slow, wailing death, with people staring at me like I could help it. Of course once it died, it was dead. No more horn. Then that same evening I found out my brake lights also didn't work. Something was wrong with the electrical. So, I had had enough! I luckily have a talented cousin-in-law who sells Hondas. I got in contact and set up an appointment the next day! I still had to drive to work, though. One day of having to use hand signals was enough for me! But I am proud of getting in some rules of the road refresher. The day I was telling a coworker about what happened and all the quirks of my car, and he asked "what kind of car are you driving?" A piece of crap, that's what.

So, now I have a new car! I love it! It's 10 years more advanced than the last one. I have AC, a back up camera, I can finally plug in my phone or iPod for music, and so many other wonderful things. Buying a new car is expensive and there's payments, but I saved up intending to buy a new car so I finally let myself. So glad!

The 2nd item has been a nightmare of a battle with my landlord over a broken AC. I won't get into too many detail (legal stuff). But we went 40 days with no AC during the Sacramento summer. I lost many nights of sleep from being too hot. It's hard to enjoy coming home after a long day of work when you can't even move and still sweat. Plus, having no AC in my car made it doubly hard. But now it's fixed! I was rough having to deal with being jerked around, plus having to stand up for ourselves to get it resolved! But thank goodness we did.

The 3rd item is work. The first four months of the year were rough. There was a lot of work to do, a lot of changes to maneuver, and challenges. After having a major burn out June of last year, it was tough dealing with a mini-burn out again so soon this year. Then, after taking time off, it was hard realizing that the problem wasn't that I needed a break, but that I am unhappy with some of my circumstances. And it's sad because I love the work I am doing now more than anything before. But other concerns have been bringing me down. I am still not there yet with coming to terms with what I need to get my motivation back. But it's been coming back. I have been trying to fan the flames and lean into the parts I enjoy. Plus, we have some great new(-ish) leaders who I really believe are making and will continue to make positive changes. I just know I have to keep proving myself and make it through, because I see great things on the horizon. I am ready to learn more and do more, so I have to trust that I am working toward those opportunities.

Lately I have been just really overwhelmed though by the out pouring of appreciation people have been showing me. I know I've struggled in the past with feeling under appreciated and it's hard. Sometimes being the reliable one, and the one who puts in a lot of work to make things look easy to others, can feel thankless. I really feel so lucky for the change. Not too long ago we did peer appreciation and people were recognized in front of the entire organization. In the past I've been bitter about these things, having gone unnoticed. But when I received so much recognition from my peers, across many parts of the org, it felt so good. (It was also slightly uncomfortable b/c I'm an introvert.) I especially appreciated a colleague and friend of mine who went out of his way to encourage others to show me appreciation. I don't know if I ever said enough how much that warmed my heart (I often don't express things as much out loud as they feel inside) and how much I appreciate how much he cares.

Plus, just recently I've had people mention to me one on one how valuable my contribution is and that feels really good, especially from people who I wouldn't think would have time to notice. I sometimes feel weird about how positive people can be, because although I do work hard and really want to help, a lot of the time I just do what makes sense to me. It's weird that feeling of thinking something is obvious or something just comes to my brain in an instant, but to others it seems amazing. I bet that sounds super douchey and a humble brag. But really it makes me feel really grateful that people see so much in me to say so, even if I don't always appreciate myself.

Finally, the 4th thing has been, well, kind of a mess. It's been floating around in my head for too long, and is definitely the trickiest come to a clean resolution on, if that's even possible. I've mostly kept it to myself, and that's going to remain mostly the same. I know everything I need to know, so it's just what I do with that information and what I take away from the experiences that's important now. I am really trying to pull out the positives so  I don't see the whole thing as a waste of time and tears. It's like your head can know something for so so so long, and use logic and analyze all it wants. But when your heart doesn't want to listen, or doesn't want the pain, it can be an obstinate pain in the ass! And it can make a situation much more complicated than it needs to be.

And I can really suck at feelings sometimes. As an INFJ, I'm an extroverted feeler. I can feel what those around me feel. If someone I really care about (or even people close to me distance wise) are going through something, I feel it. But when it comes to my own feelings, I often have trouble knowing what I feel until I can write it out or I listen to some song that says what I can't piece together in my head.

Speaking of my head, I can get so wrapped up in it I can't really tell what other people feel about me sometimes, unless they just tell me. And I can over analyze things. I can miss some signals and misinterpret others. And of course when things turn out not as I thought, I beat myself up. So now I am just trying to go through the feels. I need to really understand every layer of what I feel and move through it. I have a few people I'll lean on. And maybe one day I'll lay more cards on the table. But for now it may just suck and I'll rely on ole Ed Sheeran for some emotional release.

What now? I can't use all this crap as an excuse anymore. I need to extend the effort to really navigate my life someplace better. So, I have some goals. I may not meet all of them, at least not as much as I want. But I have some ideas to start with:

(1) I need to rally my motivation with work. I may have some long nights and weekends ahead, but I feel a spark of passion that's been gone for awhile and I want to kindle it. I want to work toward something I am proud of and not let people down. No more mental distractions - no more emotional or stressful stuff getting in the way.

(2) I need to take better care of myself. I have a goal to get in better shape before Ireland. I went all of May with no sugar. I can be disciplined. I just have to want it and not let negative things get in the way. I have to be strong on good days and bad.

(3) I seriously need to finish my novel. At 150+ pages in, it's almost there with version one. And then I can dig in for revisions. Then maybe I might let someone else read it. Maybe. That's a pretty big deal, so we'll see.

(4) I want to get out and do something worthwhile outside of home and work. I hear about people supporting organizations they care about, and I want to do that too. I have an idea of the type of organization I want to help, I just need to find one.

(5) I want to find love. I'm not really sure what it means to be ready for that, but I think I get it more now than ever before. I know I've been working really hard for awhile now at being more vulnerable, opening myself up more. I think now more than ever in my life I have a good number of people I feel safe opening up to much more. More so, people who actually understand more of me as a person than I've let people before. Sometimes it's been rough, like letting someone part way in only to realize I can only let them in so far. Or having someone demonstrate they know me so much better than I've experienced before, but there's still more I won't be able to let them know. And I really want to let someone in, as far in as possible.  I want someone who wants to get to know every part of me, someone I can open up wholly to. Not only do I want someone to love me, but I want to love someone, whole-heartedly. I want to know all their pieces and quirks. I want to put my whole self on the line from loving them, and know they'll do the same for me. I want to feel that joy when whoever he turns out to be looks at me and my whole being just lights up. I want someone who I feel my best self, my favorite self around. I just have to get myself out there and believe that I can be vulnerable again (and again and again and again if I have to). I sometimes bristle at the thought of people saying their S.O. is their best friend, because it feels like that means there's no best friend for me. (I mean, I have a best friend, so yay! But still, it's a different kind of best friend). And I want one of those! I think everyone should have one of those and show off their love to the world! And I want it to be my turn!

Again, I don't think that will be easy. And I may not do everything as well or as soon as I want. But I am ready to try! At the very least, I can use Ireland to motivate me until October. And who knows, maybe I'll find me an Irishman! *knocks on wood*

Quality Time

So I've been watching the Bachelorette this season. (Here's hoping 1000 xs that JoJo finds love! She's great!) Any on the show JoJo keeps mentioning that her love language is word or affirmation. And had I recently-ish reread my blog posts, it keeps reminding me to make a correction here.

I previously posted about my love language months ago. The problem being that I didn't actually finish the book, OR TAKE THE TEST, until after I wrote that blog. By finishing the book I realized my love language is Quality Time. And I've been thinking a lot about that lately, what with the Bachelorette reminder and other things. So I figured I'd correct my blog talk about that for a while.

When I started reading the Love Language book (I read the single person version *sigh*) I thought for sure words of affirmation was my love language for receiving love, and that I showed love through acts of service. So I was surprised to see quality time ekk out the winner as my love language. I thought, "but I'm an introvert, I don't need a lot of time around people." But reading about it made sense. Besides it's quality time, not quantity time.

After thinking about it quality time makes perfect sense to me. I think about my best friend and me. We can go over a month without seeing each other, even though we live really close. We're just busy people. But when we do get together it's great! She's one of the few people (like I could count on a hand amount) I can truly talk about anything with. And it always feels like no time has past. It also helps that in between in person visits we text and email. I think it helps that we know each other well and are both introverts. So we can share silly or personal or just random things electronically.

I also think about my mom. My worst love language is gifts. I suck at buying gifts. I get too in my head, so unless I'm lucky to get inspiration I get overwhelmed. So when it comes time for Mother's Day or my mom's birthday, I prefer to take her out and spend time together. I think we're alike in that we're not very materialistic, so it's a great way to show love.

This also explains some less than positive stuff. Like when I was first getting to know one of my best friends, back in school. She has a habit of being flaky sometimes. I used to take it personally and get really upset when she'd bail last minute. I am the kind of person who when I make plans I will be there, even if my introvert self wants to stay home. But after a while I just learned that's how she is. I learned her behavior patterns. I learned her love language is probably more acts of service or gifts. So she just showed her friendship in different ways. Sometimes she just excited about friend time but forgets or doesn't think about other commitments.  But she's so caring and a true friend. It just takes learning people's differences.

That's not to say that I don't have trouble with understanding how people feel about me. For me there's always that place with people between "even if I like you I wouldn't mind if I never saw you again" and "I know you really like me so I can't scare you away with my awkward weirdness." People in the middle are people I would care if they went away, I'd care a lot, but I am still unsure of how much they actually tolerate me. Most of my closest friends have been in this group at some point. I think it may have to do with quality time. Like if there's too much time between when we talk so we weren't able to build good enough rapport. Or when I really like someone and want to spend quality time getting to know them, but they never seem interested. Maybe some people can feel likes friends just by casually talking to people occasionally, but I can't. Like I know this guy who thinks tons of people are his buddy and counts lots of people as his friends. He's super extroverted! Where I am such the opposite. It took me a lot longer to consider him a friend. Not that he's not perfectly likeable. But as an introvert I take longer to consider people friends and tend to have a smaller friend circle.

So why talk about quality time? Well for one, it's been on my mind lately and since it's me, I have to write stuff down sometimes before it drives me crazy thinking. Plus I haven't posted a blog that's not super miserable so I figured I'd do something different. If people read this, I think it will be a good lesson on stuff. Like how to tell I consider you someone I care about, how to show me you care (like let's hang out, duh!), or hopefully get you thinking about your love language and that of those around you! At the very least, maybe someone reading this likes the Bachelorette and wants to talk about it!!

But Seriously, 2016 Can F Off Already

Okay, I am officially declaring it - 2016 is on my shit list. No more sitting around being sad and hoping the year will get better. Now I am pissed, and over it. I don't want 2016 to get better. I just want it over - done.

And I don't think it's just me. I had a conversation with my best group of friends the other day, and one asked something about whether Mercury was still in retrograde - because it has felt like that ALL year. Not just for me, but for people I am close to and care about. It doesn't feel like it's getting better. It only seems that more people close to me are having more crap dumped on them. Not to mention, on top of everything the national and global crap going on.

I never thought I would say this, but I wish tons of people I know were getting engaged, married, and having kids, because the world around me could use some joy. I thank goodness for the few such events and announcements of these that bring some happiness - a close friend gets married soon, a sister is going to have a baby, other good friends just had one. Please people, I beg of you, PLEASE have good things happen in your lives!!!

As for me, I don't know if there's enough hope in me or time left in the year to recover 2016. I may just try to survive until it ends. The funny thing is, I came into 2016 thinking it would be my year. I had a rough 2015. June on was full of a lot of hard things. But if you would have told me 2016 would make 2015 look pleasant, I would have laughed and cried, and declared "how could that possibly be?"

I am just so sick of feeling terrible, and writing blog posts about feeling terrible, and not talking to people about how terrible I feel. I swear if I cry ONE MORE TIME, I am going to lose my shit! I am seriously going to be pissed off and so over myself. Seriously!

My biggest fear at the moment is that I spent a bunch of money on a great trip to Ireland, and it's going to be a waste and no fun because my life sucks so bad that all this misery will follow me overseas. I've already had two mini-vacations this month, and they weren't the recharging times of bliss I needed them to be. The first one was good - I really needed time with my family. But that's not to say there weren't quiet alone moments where the things I wanted to leave behind crept in. And the second vacation, while still redeemably magical, was tainted with disappoint, shame, frustration, and just generally again not being able to leave things behind.

Of course when I returned to normal life, I didn't feel refreshed. This was because I realized I didn't just need a break to recharge. My life just sucked. And going away wasn't going to make it suddenly better to come back to. And now all I look forward to is the dread that I will ruin my dream vacation because I can't get my act together.

I am so tired of being strong. I am tired of feeling I have to be the one to comfort everyone else, and always seem fine. I want to break down sometimes. I want someone to hold me in their arms and tell me it's okay. I want to be vulnerable and needy, and it be okay because someone wants to be that for me.

But funnily enough, I want to take everyone's pain away. I want to make 2016 better for everyone I care about who is suffering, like me but in different ways. Just knowing that someone I care about is sitting around, feeling broken too, and I can't do anything to fix it, hurts me too. If I can't (or maybe won't) fix some of my problems, maybe I can find joy in helping others. Or at least distract myself from myself.

Or maybe it's time to take the bull by the horns. I feel like I am used to feeling crappy, so why not just lean into it. I need to push myself in the direction of what I think will get me through the fire and safely out the other side. I don't know if that means the reward for my suffering will mean positive things, or just the end of negative things. But I am ready to try - even if that means hurting others or means putting my burdens on other's shoulders. Maybe at the end of the day it means walking away and starting over, or cutting ties it kills to lose.

At the end of the year, if it's going to hurt, I'd rather it makes me stronger.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

What I need now is a resolution. I need a solid footing, a firm answer, or a determined decision. Because the constant analysis, the constantly being confused and believing opposite ideas is too much. It's time for an end.

As a disclaimer for readers, I am writing this for me. If I am too vague, to whiny, to introspective, to open - tough. I have yo write this. I've been wrestling with writing this for a couple weeks now. I need to write to process. But I also worried about writing this without saying it, when I should just say it out loud. But I've already proven I can't, not the way things are now. So if not being open in person irritates anyone - tough. If you know me well enough, you get it, whether you like it or not.

I have a problem. And as I write that sentence I feel like I am about to enter a vague, obnoxious discussion like a round of recent job interviews my team gave. But I digress. I have a problem. There something I really want. And I've wanted it awhile now. But I know I'll never get it. So what do I do now?

When I say I'll never get it, I don't actually know that for sure. I don't really know if I don't have what I want because I can never have it, or because I never said O wanted it. Of course people will disappoint your expectations if you never express them.

See I've let other people, and my own insecurities and people skill gaps, tell me I'm wasting my time. That circumstances are against me. And I 99% believe them. I've come to the conclusion in my heart that I'm hoping an impossible hope. But that pesky 1% keeps popping up, letting me hope, and letting me suffer.

So I am at a crossroads. Do I just unload everything no matter the consequences? At this point, worse case scenario is I upset someone and they hate me. And it'll be awkward and painful, because I don't want to lose something that means a lot to me. But I feel like I'm at the point where  (1) I think I know enough that that won't happen, or (2) if it happens I am prepared. Besides, if this makes someone that upset, then I've been wasting my time this whole time anyway.

I could always go with option 2 - don't say anything and just resolve to change on the inside. I usually prefer this method. I prefer being the calm sea on the surface, with a raging storm underneath. Problem is, I've tried and failed at this so many times now. I really want to stay resolved this time. And maybe I can. But maybe I can't. It's going to take a lot of resolve to change so much inside, without appearing inconsistent or punishing relationships for unilaterally being in a different head space. I can't just suddenly turn 180 with no explanation.

The funny thing is I almost did option 1. I resolved to just open up. Beforehand I told myself I had to get it all out, and also that I fully expected myself to chicken out. And I almost got there. I didn't chicken out completely but I didn't open up completely either. But when you plant seeds in the desert, they probably won't bear fruit. So for all intents and purposes I chickened out.

Why? Because that 99% of me knew it would be bad news, even if taken well. And the 1% of me didn't want to say the words that would ruin everything. And it didn't want to hear the words confirming what I am sure I already know.

So, I'm 32 now. I look back where I was a year ago and I was in a similar place - questioning. I wish that I knew then what I know now - other people's impressions, how much this was going to suck, how circumstances would progress. I would have nipped all of this in the bud then. But now all I can do take action now and go through the bad stuff. Because there are things I want in my life relatively soon. And I can't have them going down a futile path. As much I as don't want to give up hope and I don't want to start at square one, sometimes all you can do it move along.

Here's to figuring out how!

A Few of My Favorite (Musical) Things

So last week I wrote a blog all about my love for Motion City Soundtrack and their music. http://iamnotaresponsibleadult.blogspot.com/2016/05/its-been-interesting-2016-so-far.html

I had such a fun time writing about songs that I love that I wanted to do it again. Only this time I want to write out many other songs. I find that for me music is a really important part of who I am. And as someone who does not share music tastes with most (if any) of the people I know, sometimes I feel like a big part of me isn't shared with the people I care about. So, I figured I could speed some great unwinding time writing about music I love AND share a bit of myself at the same time. I did something like this before in my first blog, but as I've added some songs and people to my life since than (and since I don't use this blog anymore) I think it's fair to do this again! Plus, I've now learned to add videos, so there will be an audio/visual component now! Yay! Here's the old link, if you're curious:
(http://iapprovethisrandommessage.blogspot.com/2013/04/my-music-will-say-more-about-me-than-my.html)

Some background: I keep a playlist on my iTunes of my top songs. It used to be 100, but I upped it to 200 because as my library grew, it just got too hard to limit down to 100. Still, 200 songs is only ~3% of my music library, so these are some pretty elite songs (to me anyway). I won't mention them all but the ones I find worth mentioning. The faint of heart should turn back now!

New Found Glory
If you pay attention at all, you may know that my favorite band is New Found Glory! Love them! I've seen them live 3 times, and even met them once! So amazing! Here's a pciture - one of the rare ones of myself you'll see me post, so count yourselves lucky! :)

As a background, I started listening to NFG around or right after my senior year of high school. I was coming off my intense love of boy bands (hey, I was a teen in the late 90's). But I was so over boy bands and pop music in general. Then I heard My Friends Over You on TRL (10 points if you remember watching that!) I was hooked from that moment. And while it would still be a couple more years before NFG booted my then fav band from the top spot, they've now been may fav band for over a decade. I just count myself lucky I could have a favorite band that's still active after so many years. I'm old enough to where I don't think anyone will ever replace them. Although I still hope I have many years left before I stop listening to current music and enjoying live shows w/ active bands. *fingers crossed* I just don't mention my age and hope the bouncers don't notice just how over 21 I am when they check ID.

Connected is my favorite NFG song. I think it's a combination of the unique, cool guitar riff, and lyrics I really relate to. I am definitely someone who has built up walls and done some skin ripping (I think I have thick skin). Plus, I would really love to find someone to metaphorically scale those walls, and you know, the rest of the stuff. Is it bad that I relate more to this song b/c I feel like I am also working? Yes? No? Probably?

Radiosurgery accurately describes what it's like in my head when I've got some guy stuck in there. I wonder if some kind of procedure to unstick someone from your head is cover by my health plan. ;^) I think it may even be a common thing for people of my Myers Briggs type to be all normal and cool on the outside, but like this song on the inside.
Fun Fact: If you replace the words "your face" with "The Bar" this song also accurately describes what it's like to study for the Bar.

I've made Selfless one of my current life anthems. I even have some lyrics on my desk at work, in case I need reminding.

I love Head on Collision because not only is it an amazing song, but it's also where All Time Low got their name! More on them later. Plus, I love to sing this song, although my interpretation rocks less and is more angsty. I swear I could sing any song like it's the saddest thing ever!

I just love the song Oxygen because it's amazingly beautiful.

Motion City Soundtrack - I would now like to incorporate by reference the blog I posted about MCS and all the songs I love there. I covered everything (and more!) that I would cover here.

All Time Low

All Time Low is my third favorite band. Maybe one day I'll write about the difficult vetting process that is getting on my favorite list, the rules to stay on, those who have fallen off, and those who've missed the cut. But that's another post!

Do I think it's a coincidence that All Time Low has two songs about my two favorite Disney movies? Maybe, but either way I appreciate it! I sometimes feel like I'm too young to be an adult, emotionally. I'd love to live like I'm a Neverland. Or at least with someone who makes me feel young always. I really relate to the lyrics - kind of how I feel about being an adult. The lyrics in Painting Flowers are much more subtle. It took my awhile to even realize it was references Alice in Wonderland. And then of course I Googled it. Should have done that first. OMG, I could listen to this song 1,000 times in a row!

One of my theme songs. Duh!

Dirty Work is easily my fav album of theirs (and one of my favs in general). Listening to this makes me think of driving around Sacramento during my law school days. I listened to it a lot driving home from my internship at the Dept. of Parks and Rec. (Yeah, I'm that cool! It's no Pawnee, and I'm no April Ludgate, but it was pretty fun!) Here are a few of my favs because I can't pick just one!

Fall Out Boy

Can I just say to all you youngster that are into FOB since their reuniting, I've liked them for 10+ years, so I win! Actually FOB fell off my favorite bands list (because one of the rules is/was a band has to still be together). But lucky for them, after I immediately fell in love with American Beauty/American Psycho, I had no choice but to add them  back. I particularly cannot get over how freakin' catchy Uma Thurman is. And I absolutely love Fourth of July.

I actually only saw FOB for the first time last year. I had bought tickets to see them in the '00s, but then they had to cancel shows and the one near me was the only they didn't reschedule. So I got to pay $10 in non-refundable fees just to be disappointed. But I made it out to the same amphitheater years later, in what was probably a much better, and much more expensive, seat. But as a responsible adult with a job, I could make that happen!

In case you were wondering, if I could sing a duet with anyone in the world, it would be Patrick Stump. And it would be EPIC!!

I almost feel it's unfair to list any songs, because there are so many I love, and I don't want to leave any out and hurt their feelings. ;^) So here are just a few of my favs. The last one is probably my fav, fav, mostly because of the fact that Justin Pierre of Motion City Soundtrack sings some near the end. :^D

Silverstein

I feel bad that although Silverstein is technically #5 (the end) of my favorite bands list, there are only a couple of their songs that I would consider my favorite. I think they stay on my favorite band list for the strength of their music catalog as a whole, even if any particular song doesn't hook me like some others. Plus, A Shipwreck in the Sand is an amazing album. It would be in the running for my favorite album because every song is so solid and it tells a great story. Is it coincidence the Silverstein is the end of my favorite bands list, and one of my favorite songs of theirs is "The End?" Oh definitely a coincidence. I think I just like asking "is this a coincidence?"

Maybe you've gleaned this already, but my taste in music is not like many other people's. And I'm okay with that. Songs that are my favorites don't have to be other people's favs. I like what I like. Like how Discovering the Waterfront is probably my favorite song to sing. I've busted it out many a time alone in my kitchen. I like all the opportunities to belt, and all the different pieces of the song.

Other Artists I Love!!

Okay, it's time to strap in. There's still a lot to go. You may want to take an intermission (that's assuming you're even listening to any of these videos. If not, just keep going!). I realize now just how many songs I want to talk about!

I saw Yellowcard (with NFG) recently! It was amazing! I took some cool pictures, including the one below, which is pretty awesome!

Gifts and Curses in my favorite Yellowcard song. I am allow to like one not from a full album the best, right? It's awesome enough that this song really rocks. But what makes it extra special is the instrumental part in the middle. I would be curious to see a video of myself while I listen to this part. At one point I'm pretty sure one hand is tapping along with the drums, while the other directs the violin. I just get lost in it, flowing along with the different instruments as the come in and out. And then the big crash when it all comes together back into punk rock magic!

I download Tear in My Heart last July, and I've probably listened to it 150 times since then. I am absolutely obsessed with the song! I even have this sort of routine I do in my car when I listen to it. I once told my mom I really relate to this interpretation about how love feels - she was concerned since we were then at the end of the song with words like "butcher" and "carver." I meant more the heart as armor thing, and someone being the tear in that armor. I would like to remark that I have this thing with songs about car/driving. (I also love Car Radio by Twenty One Pilots). I would also like to go on record that I knew who Twenty One Pilots were before they were played on the radio!

Safe to Say by Vanna is the most played song on my iTunes. I think it is because (1) I got this album right after I got a new computer (so I lost the old play counts and played this a lot when I first got it), and (2) this was my go to de-stressing song in law school. I would turn this up as loud as my ears could handle while sitting in the exam room waiting to take the test. I've even developed a Pavlovian response where I feel relaxed when I hear this song. Also, I went to Warped Tour in 2014, and was worried that I was too old to go. As soon as I got in, I saw this band playing and they said the next song was for the fans of their older stuff. And then they played this song (it was Vanna). So I saw that as a good sign.

Manners grew on me. I didn't realized I even liked this song a whole lot until one day I just realized I loved it. Plus, the time I met NFG, We Are the In Crowd opened for them and were AMAZING!

Pure classic! A friend of mine in high school turned me onto the Ataris my senior year when I decided I was going to listen to punk rock.

It may sound odd, but I love to sing Drown! And listen to it. I listened to a lot of Bring Me the Horizon the end of last year when I needed a distraction. It reminds me of some comment this coworker said, about them being one of those bands that are all "you can't kill us because we're already dead." And I am pretty sure they have a lyrics almost like that somewhere! So, spot on observation.

Let me take a moment to mention how much I love some classic Coheed and Cambria. There are very few songs that I can remember hearing and going "I have to know that song!" I remember some of my sorority sisters and I were hanging out at one of the frats, playing quarters. Then, A Favor House Atlantic comes on and I had to know who that was! Luckily for me, my little sister loved Coheed and introduced me. Listening to Coheed reminds me of her (especially Wake Up). My little is one of the bubbliest, sweetest people ever, and told me she loved Coheed because many of their songs are about killing people. I find that juxtaposition amusing. :^D I've included some other great ones!

I am a big fan of the band Crown the Empire. They put on an excellent show! I've seen them 3 times now. I am also a big fan of the theatricality and story telling of their music. One of my fav songs of theirs is Millenia. This is another rock song I love to sing. I tend to belt that big note a little too long into the guitar solo. This song made me realize just how great an epic rock ballad can be, and how we don't get that many rock ballads anymore. Johnny's Revenge is a great song to listen to when you're really angry at someone. And it's really fun to watch performed live!

I have the wish that one day, some guy will have fallen in love with me, and when he listens to Stolen he thinks of me (even if I have to make that happen!). I had a period a few months back were I took the time to really learn to sing this song and add my own flair. For awhile there I could burst into this song at any time! I am not a big fan of how I sound for the mellower versus, but the payoff at the end is way too much fun!

One band that I really love is A Day to Remember. Common Courtesy was well worth the wait. I really like their other music, but it's like just the last few pieces clicked into place and they really hit the sweet spot. Life @ 11 is their song I relate to the most. Have Faith in Me is the one song I listen to in my car that most threatens to blow my speakers or my ear drums (or both). It also reminds me of work, because in an interview for the company I now work for I said that song was my work theme song. I like to think I got points for picking a punk song. I don't conform! ;^) I also have a huge fondness for punk covers of other songs. That's really how you make other people's songs better! Hehehe. Sorry, not sorry. Over My Head is my favorite punk cover. The original was one of those few songs I loved the first time I heard it (I was driving away from campus to shop for something in undergrad). But this cover just takes it to the next level!

Let's do some quick hits:

Another quirky love song I really like. Mentions driving.

Maria Brink is a bad ass. Love her! This song is great up really loud, driving down the highway.

My go to "I need a cry song." Made the mistake many times listening to this in the car. I am skilled at driving while crying.

As a Gemini, I relate to this song, my evil twin more so. And this album is so good!

Because, duh!, this song a fantastic! And only the theme for one of the best movies ever!

My favorite love song.

My go to karaoke jam! Spoiler alert, I kill this! When I am not nervous, of course.

This takes me back to my childhood! I love Winnie the Pooh! And it reminds me of cleaning the house with my mom - listening to good classics like these guys, REO Speedwagon, Billie Joel. I repressed the memories of listen to Jimmy Buffet.

Everyone needs a really good, stress relief song. Plus, hot ginger with tattoos! OoOoOOoo!!

One of my favorite songs to sing. Almost stopped singing it forever after embarrassing myself in public. I've since gotten over that, thank goodness!

I love old school Paramore. I love to sing most of their songs, but this one the most!

This song is just a lot of song, and everyone should listen to it!

Whew, that was efficient! For me at least. ;^)

Admittedly, I started listening to The Story So Far because they go their name from a NFG song. :^D Empty Space is one of those songs that it's hard for my to listen to just once when it comes on. For a 2 1/2 minute song, it packs a lot. I like to listen to different layers of this song each time. It sounds to me like it weaving a fabric of sound.

Of course Adele is amazing! (And the Adel I know too, hehe). One and Only is my favorite. I love to sing this song (along with many other Adele songs, although obviously not as well). I imagine if my life were a romcom, I would sing this song one time at karaoke at the climax of the movie and then ride off into the sunset. This will never happen of course, for the following reasons: (1) real life is NOT a romcom, (2) I would never have the guts to sing this at karaoke (because it's an Adele song and I don't make public displays like that), and (3) karaoke places don't carry this song - at least not the last couple I've been to - I've checked.

I got really into Ed Sheeran last September/October. The problem with Ed Sheeran is that I want to listen to him when I am feeling mopey, but his songs make me cry, and being mopey makes me more likely to cry - especially these two songs. I actually had to listen to a lot of Bring Me the Horizon to detox from too much Ed Sheeran.

Wonderwall is one of my all time favorite songs. And the entire album is just absolutely wonderful! I wasn't really into popular music when this came out (I was like 10-11), but I bought What's the Story Morning Glory when I was a senior in high school, because my music collection had to have it! (I also bought Foo Fighter's The Colour and the Shape the same time - also very good!) I recently played trivia against someone who is otherwise generally awesome, but he didn't know who made this song, and that made me very sad, because this song is AMAZING! That's a gap that needs to be rectified. ;^)

Oddly enough, I associate this song with my work. Whenever I get really stressed out from work drama, I listen to this song. I also really love the acoustic version. I think it's amazing how one song can be so dynamic. When I sing this song, the tempo is usually somewhere between these too, and I add a little pop/soul vibe (not sure I am describing that correctly).

I love Issues! I haven't listen to their new stuff yet, because they are 1 great album away from joining my favorite bands list, and I am nervous I will be disappointed. Late is one of my favorites because it brings a good blend of Issues' sound. Plus, that first line! Everything. The Worst of Them was the song that made me want to buy their music. I was checking out Black Diamonds online (having heard good things about the band). As soon as I got to this song, I didn't need to hear the rest. I knew I found a great band.

Push introduced me to my first favorite band. (Rob Thomas ruined this by choosing a dumb solo career instead). I remember it was the summer before 8th grade, and my cousin spent two weeks with our grandma, while we took swimming lessons. He kept singing this song, and driving me crazy because he was ruining it!

Well, that's the end. Thank you to anyone who made it all the way to the end, whether or not you read and/or listened to the entire post. Really, I took this time to write for me, because it felt good to connect and listen to some amazing songs I love. And if you took the time to journey with me, I appreciate you getting to know me a little better. Rock on!

**NOTE: 57 videos seems like a lot more when you've realized you entered the links wrong, and have to redo ALL OF THEM**