But Seriously, 2016 Can F Off Already

Okay, I am officially declaring it - 2016 is on my shit list. No more sitting around being sad and hoping the year will get better. Now I am pissed, and over it. I don't want 2016 to get better. I just want it over - done.

And I don't think it's just me. I had a conversation with my best group of friends the other day, and one asked something about whether Mercury was still in retrograde - because it has felt like that ALL year. Not just for me, but for people I am close to and care about. It doesn't feel like it's getting better. It only seems that more people close to me are having more crap dumped on them. Not to mention, on top of everything the national and global crap going on.

I never thought I would say this, but I wish tons of people I know were getting engaged, married, and having kids, because the world around me could use some joy. I thank goodness for the few such events and announcements of these that bring some happiness - a close friend gets married soon, a sister is going to have a baby, other good friends just had one. Please people, I beg of you, PLEASE have good things happen in your lives!!!

As for me, I don't know if there's enough hope in me or time left in the year to recover 2016. I may just try to survive until it ends. The funny thing is, I came into 2016 thinking it would be my year. I had a rough 2015. June on was full of a lot of hard things. But if you would have told me 2016 would make 2015 look pleasant, I would have laughed and cried, and declared "how could that possibly be?"

I am just so sick of feeling terrible, and writing blog posts about feeling terrible, and not talking to people about how terrible I feel. I swear if I cry ONE MORE TIME, I am going to lose my shit! I am seriously going to be pissed off and so over myself. Seriously!

My biggest fear at the moment is that I spent a bunch of money on a great trip to Ireland, and it's going to be a waste and no fun because my life sucks so bad that all this misery will follow me overseas. I've already had two mini-vacations this month, and they weren't the recharging times of bliss I needed them to be. The first one was good - I really needed time with my family. But that's not to say there weren't quiet alone moments where the things I wanted to leave behind crept in. And the second vacation, while still redeemably magical, was tainted with disappoint, shame, frustration, and just generally again not being able to leave things behind.

Of course when I returned to normal life, I didn't feel refreshed. This was because I realized I didn't just need a break to recharge. My life just sucked. And going away wasn't going to make it suddenly better to come back to. And now all I look forward to is the dread that I will ruin my dream vacation because I can't get my act together.

I am so tired of being strong. I am tired of feeling I have to be the one to comfort everyone else, and always seem fine. I want to break down sometimes. I want someone to hold me in their arms and tell me it's okay. I want to be vulnerable and needy, and it be okay because someone wants to be that for me.

But funnily enough, I want to take everyone's pain away. I want to make 2016 better for everyone I care about who is suffering, like me but in different ways. Just knowing that someone I care about is sitting around, feeling broken too, and I can't do anything to fix it, hurts me too. If I can't (or maybe won't) fix some of my problems, maybe I can find joy in helping others. Or at least distract myself from myself.

Or maybe it's time to take the bull by the horns. I feel like I am used to feeling crappy, so why not just lean into it. I need to push myself in the direction of what I think will get me through the fire and safely out the other side. I don't know if that means the reward for my suffering will mean positive things, or just the end of negative things. But I am ready to try - even if that means hurting others or means putting my burdens on other's shoulders. Maybe at the end of the day it means walking away and starting over, or cutting ties it kills to lose.

At the end of the year, if it's going to hurt, I'd rather it makes me stronger.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

What I need now is a resolution. I need a solid footing, a firm answer, or a determined decision. Because the constant analysis, the constantly being confused and believing opposite ideas is too much. It's time for an end.

As a disclaimer for readers, I am writing this for me. If I am too vague, to whiny, to introspective, to open - tough. I have yo write this. I've been wrestling with writing this for a couple weeks now. I need to write to process. But I also worried about writing this without saying it, when I should just say it out loud. But I've already proven I can't, not the way things are now. So if not being open in person irritates anyone - tough. If you know me well enough, you get it, whether you like it or not.

I have a problem. And as I write that sentence I feel like I am about to enter a vague, obnoxious discussion like a round of recent job interviews my team gave. But I digress. I have a problem. There something I really want. And I've wanted it awhile now. But I know I'll never get it. So what do I do now?

When I say I'll never get it, I don't actually know that for sure. I don't really know if I don't have what I want because I can never have it, or because I never said O wanted it. Of course people will disappoint your expectations if you never express them.

See I've let other people, and my own insecurities and people skill gaps, tell me I'm wasting my time. That circumstances are against me. And I 99% believe them. I've come to the conclusion in my heart that I'm hoping an impossible hope. But that pesky 1% keeps popping up, letting me hope, and letting me suffer.

So I am at a crossroads. Do I just unload everything no matter the consequences? At this point, worse case scenario is I upset someone and they hate me. And it'll be awkward and painful, because I don't want to lose something that means a lot to me. But I feel like I'm at the point where  (1) I think I know enough that that won't happen, or (2) if it happens I am prepared. Besides, if this makes someone that upset, then I've been wasting my time this whole time anyway.

I could always go with option 2 - don't say anything and just resolve to change on the inside. I usually prefer this method. I prefer being the calm sea on the surface, with a raging storm underneath. Problem is, I've tried and failed at this so many times now. I really want to stay resolved this time. And maybe I can. But maybe I can't. It's going to take a lot of resolve to change so much inside, without appearing inconsistent or punishing relationships for unilaterally being in a different head space. I can't just suddenly turn 180 with no explanation.

The funny thing is I almost did option 1. I resolved to just open up. Beforehand I told myself I had to get it all out, and also that I fully expected myself to chicken out. And I almost got there. I didn't chicken out completely but I didn't open up completely either. But when you plant seeds in the desert, they probably won't bear fruit. So for all intents and purposes I chickened out.

Why? Because that 99% of me knew it would be bad news, even if taken well. And the 1% of me didn't want to say the words that would ruin everything. And it didn't want to hear the words confirming what I am sure I already know.

So, I'm 32 now. I look back where I was a year ago and I was in a similar place - questioning. I wish that I knew then what I know now - other people's impressions, how much this was going to suck, how circumstances would progress. I would have nipped all of this in the bud then. But now all I can do take action now and go through the bad stuff. Because there are things I want in my life relatively soon. And I can't have them going down a futile path. As much I as don't want to give up hope and I don't want to start at square one, sometimes all you can do it move along.

Here's to figuring out how!