Not Another 5 Year Plan!

I recently had a birthday! Egad! The shock, the horror! Actually it was a pretty great birthday - much better than the last two. I felt really appreciated and celebrated, without it being too much for my bashful tendencies at public display. And it's going to sound hella cheesy and cliche, but really the best gift I received was the presence of many of my favorite people to have a great evening of food, fun, and laughter.

Also, this birthday reminded me it has been 5 years since I graduated from law school. Now THAT'S something to go "Egad! The shock, the horror!" about. I cannot believe it has already been 5 years. But also, sometimes it feels like I cannot believe it has only been five years. I feel like such a different person than I did 5 years ago - like back then I was still a large chunk of marble just beginning to form, but now I've taken on more definition and maturity. (Yeah, I've read about Rodin recently, so the sculpting metaphor.)

From this realization I've decide - NO MORE 5 YEAR PLANS!! Well, really no more "N" year plans, since time lines can be more than 5 years, although 5 is a nice number - 4 or 6 just seem arbitrary.

You may be thinking to yourself, "But Dayna, you LOVE plans! You make plans to make plans! Plans are your favorite thing, after spreadsheets!" But it's not really the having a plan part that I am opposed to at this point, it's really more the content and execution of the plan that makes me not want another one.

Last week I finished a book about advice for woman to succeed in business (circa ~2000, so it was outdated, but still valid nonetheless). This book mentioned how women should have a career plan and then act on it. If I were to sum up the career portion of the 5 year, post law school 5 Year plan, it would be summed up as "find a job; don't suck." So, on the bright side, I nailed that piece of the plan!

I think that part of the plan was so vague because I didn't know what I wanted to do after law school. I figured "practice law" since I learned that, but I wasn't really excited about that idea. Plus, after having spent my years since I was 8 years old working to be dentist, and then failing at that right at the end, I didn't want that kind of a plan. I kept myself open. Luckily, without having any kind of career plan to start, I stumbled into something that really gave me the opportunity to grow and teach me more about what I can do, and what I want to do. I am still not sure I have a solid plan in place, long term speaking, but I am definitely on the right path now. Plus, I have a lot of great skills and I really like the work I'm doing (even if it stresses me out sometimes). Like many of my coworkers, though, I am willing to admit that I thrive in the crazy. If there's not too much to do, I'd probably get bored. ;^D

If I think about my previous 5 Year Plan, it would look something like this:

• Year 1 - Be employed and start to settle your life
• Year 2 - Find a man (still being employed is implied, ad infinitum)
• Year 3 - Get engaged
• Year 4 - Get married
• Year 5 - somewhere between getting ready to have kids and actually having one

I am not really sure if a plan like that would surprise people or not. I guess it depends on what aspects of my personality you know. On the one hand, I can see people being totally shocked. I am really smart, and I would like to think I am doing well in my career. I am ambitious in my own unassuming way. Plus, I apologetically state that I am a woman that would still need a career once I have children. I need adult time and something intellectually stimulating to balance out my life. I would even be totally okay with having a house husband - but at the very least would need a husband who would share the parenting duties 50/50, and would compromise on each of us making sacrifices to let us both have fulfilling careers. 

On the other hand, I could see people not being surprised. I've always been a hopeless romantic. I've wanted kids probably since I was one. I am a nurturing person, and I love the idea of shaping a tiny half-version of me into a wonderful human being. I am a people person who values relationships, and that immediate family relationship of parents and child(ren) is something I would very much like to have. 

 So then, what were me results - I passed Year 1 - YAY! I'd even say I exceeded that, so I get extra credit. But still, that's not really a passing grade on my plan. The problem is, I feel like I have not made any real progress towards those other 4 items over the last 4 years. I feel like I am in the exact same spot I was 5 years ago.

Wait - scratch that - I am pretty sure I am in a worse place than I was 5 Years ago. Because with time and experience comes knowledge and decay, and neither of those help!

Let's take my most recent voyage into the world of online dating. This time around, having had no success with other apps, I tried Bumble. And let me tell you, I HATED IT!!! First off, let me say that I respect and appreciate what Bumble is trying to do - make a more female friendly online dating environment. Objectively, I think it's great. For me, it was THE WORST! The premise is, for guy/girl matches, both people swipe yay/nay. If there's a mutual interest, the girl is required to make contact first - which is great in general since it prevents a bunch of unsolicited dick pics and rude b.s. However, I had no such luck. I would think that at least one guy would message back, especially as we matched at some point, and I did my best (albeit flirting is my worst skill) to be friendly and engaging. But no luck - dozens of messages later and nothing.

So, here is what I "learned" from that experience. And I used air quotes because I am not sure if this is an actual lesson, or just me becoming more bitter and heartless in my old age. I "learned," and I don't mean to over generalize, single guys over 30 are douche bags. My overwhelming analysis of at least 80% of these profiles (consisting mostly just pictures, with some spare words, mostly douchy) portrayed guys that haven't matured enough to make a good boyfriend, because you can be rich and successful, and still not be a good boyfriend. And these profiles say they are looking for intelligent woman with substance, and not just hook ups. But in reality they want that, but in only hot chicks, who are preferably smart, but not as smart as them.

And as I'm writing that, I do feel extra judgmental and cynical. Or maybe, all of the decent guys are already taken. Or there are only a few decent ones left, and they get snatched up quickly. Because really, if you're one of the few decent men over 30 still left available, you've got many more choices and I wouldn't blame you for wanting to date someone better looking than me. And don't take that statement as me being all pity party, "I'm so ugly" kind of b.s. I just have an honest appraisal of myself. Even in this day and age of more body positivity, I know there are prejudices against larger women. At least I can say I accept who I am.

Really, I am not the kind of girl a guy is going to see across a crowded room and want to get to know. And hell, it even takes some getting to know me to get me past my awkward shyness. I am really an acquired taste, over time. Or at least I would assume so, given that I don't have any actual hard evidence to back this up. I've thought a lot about it, and being the quirky person that I am, I really see the "is some guy into me?" burden of proof as "beyond a reasonable doubt." And not any of that circumstantial evidence stuff either, because I have learned in these instances that circumstantial evidence can be REALLY wrong. Unless there's a clear confession, I know that there's no interest. I feel like I am just not good looking enough to tip that "I'll give it shot, who knows?" scale. And my personality is just quirky and independent enough to scare away men who are not secure in themselves to date a genius, independent, successful, bad ass lady. It's a rough place to be!

Because let's be real, I could see myself as intimidating. Even if a guy could think, "hey, she's got a decent enough face and cleans up well enough," I think I may be intimidating. Or at least I think someone told me that once upon a time. I think that's total bullshit though, a total cop out. True, I am insanely smart. And true, I've got a lot going for me personality and skills wise. But I am like almost the nicest person ever. And I am really low key and down to earth - not because I am trying to downplay myself, but just because that's who I am. I can be smart and independent and successful, and still be quiet, pensive, and unassuming. It's my personality. It's totally my Myers Briggs type! :^D (And you thought I wouldn't bring up Myers Briggs!!) Plus, I would just like to make a personal plug about my other skills (singing, baking, playing video games, being really funny), and I have excellent genetics - I know, I've had them tested!

Other than being intimidating (if that's even true - I think I'm calling my own b.s.), I am very enigmatic, and frankly awkward. Like I said, I can't tell if someone likes me (assuming that's ever happened). And I have no game. If you have ever thought I was flirty, it's probably because I wasn't flirting, because if I try, I am really bad at it. Plus, I am not obvious at ALL. I think part of this is being really in my head about everything. So it takes a lot to push out of my head and push out my personality to be flirtatious, all while being super anxious that I'm being an idiot. I also think I've gotten worse at this over the last couple years. It's been awhile since the last time I wanted to actively pursue an interest, and I think I've gotten more in my head about it.

Like let's say hypothetically I was partaking in a new activity as a way to get out of the house and meet new people. And while I don't do new activities to meet men, there is always that hope that I will, since the online dating thing is a miserable failure. And let's say hypothetically, there's a guy that could have some potential. I need to first establish that I have yet to confirm this as an actual interesting, since I have yet to confirm said hypothetical guys is (1) age appropriate, (2) available, and (3) attracted to women. Until I confirm all three, it's not worth my effort to exert more than platonic interest. But of course, since said hypothetical activity is ending soon, it may be moot soon anyway. But do you see what I'm saying about getting in my head? There are other odd thoughts, like having names too similar to people I know, and how weird that may or may not be. But mostly I wonder if this is an excuse to just not make any effort out of fear. Because it has been awhile since I've seen a new smile that makes me smile. But I digress.

Let's get down to the heart of the matter. I have been working hard at getting some work life balance. And while I currently find I am balancing, and excelling, at the work part, I feel like the life part is off balance. It's off balance not in the sense that I am working too much - I've been doing great a making sure I keep this part of the balance. It's really more that I don't feel there's a lot going on in the life part of this balance.

Don't get me wrong. I am really enjoying many of the things I am doing. And having the quiet time to read, write, and decompress has been really nice. I also really appreciate the time with my friends and family. It's just that I want more going on. Take a day like today, where I am just really worn out. Instead of crying alone to mopey songs in my car, it would be nice to come home to someone who I could take comfort in, whether that's snuggling on the couch, or just crying on their shoulder, with or without needing to talk about things. Sometimes you just need a catharsis and a long, lingering hug.

I feel this is a good time to help reiterate my position on hugs. I know it's a running joke among my friends that I don't like to hug. That is not the entire truth. I do not dislike hugs globally. I am just really selective on who I prefer to hug. If I do not know you very well, or heaven forbid you're one of the like 3 people I don't like, I don't want to hug you. But hugs from people I really care about - those are great! I am actually a very enthusiastic hugger if I like you a lot, especially if I am in a place where I feel more comfortable. Additionally, I tend to get huggy when I'm drinking, and have been known to hug random drunk strangers. But that's just further proof it's not about me disliking hugs, but more about the comfort of the situation. I also feel more comfortable hugging people I don't know that well when they give off a good aura.

Anyway, I think I was making a point about something. Oh, yes. It would be nice to have someone to come home to, someone to be on more personal terms with. I do appreciate the friends and family I have. And I really appreciate the people I can open up to or unload my burdens with. But none of them are mine. I want that person who is my person. Other people I am close to have their person, and I see how great that is, and I want one too! It just seems to get harder and harder to keep up the hope that that will happen. And I freak out about the ever shrinking pool of available men, because I really don't think I have the patience for anyone more than a year or two younger. I'm hello mature, motherfuckers!!

If you have gotten this far, I applaud you! And I appreciate your care in reading this. I really need this kind of release. It feels nice to be able to write a lot of this down. And if people read my blog, it's like I'm being open and vulnerable without me having to get past the nerves of opening up, and you not having to actually be in the same room as me! That's the kind of caring person I am!

A Few More of My Favorite (Song Shaped) Things

It's been awhile since I posted a new blog. I have been thinking over what to write about, feeling the need to just sit and write build up. However, I've been pretty busy this week, so I've come up with a few different ideas of topics. For the first I decided to talk more about favorite songs.

See, almost exactly two months ago I bought a new computer, because mine was crapping out and I didn't want it to die before I had a change to migrate everything. I do have a back up hard drive that I use, but I couldn't figure out anyway how to get my iTunes playlists information from there. So, I had to take my time setting up my playlists again. That was after all the time it took to clean up my files, as I bought a smaller computer than the one I had. Once I did that, I could recreate all of my playlists. I focused first on the playlists where I didn't want to change the songs. I have many playlists based on moods or theme, so I wanted to preserve all the work I did building those, every new song at a time.

For my Top 200 songs list, it was time to change the list. So I waited until I no longer needed my old computer to use for what tracks to place in the playlist. I just finished the playlist earlier this week - after 2 months of not having it available. This is my go to playlist when I don't know what else to listen to, or when I am traveling and I don't want to waste time skipping songs on a mix.

The methodology is pretty simple, although not completely scientific. Each time I recreate the playlist, songs fall in or out. I will buy new music and specific songs will get me really excited, while songs from previous rounds of new music lose their novelty and aren't as exciting (even though still good songs). Sometimes I get tired of songs, and sometimes I get reminded how much I love a song. To start the playlist, I go through all of my songs and whittle the list down to 250-300ish songs. These are all songs I know get a special ear perk up when I play them, or are songs I've loved in the past. From there, I grab all of the songs I know I have to place in the playlist. These are usually my forever favorites, or new songs I've been waiting to put on the list. From there, I cull through the remaining songs. As I go back through that list, some songs will stand out as definites for the list and get moved over. Some songs will be rejected outright. If I need more songs, I usually do that once or twice more. When down to needing 10 or less songs, I then go through the list of remaining songs to round out the numbers.

Since I just updated the list, and have been enjoying the songs on my drives to and from work, I wanted to share some more songs that I love. These may be new songs to the list, or old favorites I didn't get to last time. I promise to try to not add as many as last time, but as music is one of my favorite things in life, and don't get to share my thoughts on my music often, I am going to take advantage of this opportunity. It's not like anyone has to read this. But it makes me happy. :)

Since the last time I recreated my playlist, I got really into listening to Secrets. Oooh. And before you think "that's noisy," Secrets is a band. I bought their first and third album about the same time, and had a great time listening. I particularly connected with the most recent album, Everything That Got Us Here, as I feel it really resonated with where I was in my life in 2016.

I am also a big fan of the remix of one of their songs. I imagine this is how Jim Carrey's character in The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind felt - literally wanting to erase every memory like they never existed.

This is one of the older songs, and it almost didn't make me list. But then I realized I listen to it 3-4 times in a row whenever it comes on, so of course it has to go on my favorite playlist so I can listen to is many more times.

Since I ever so kindly started with something super loud, let's transition into something is little happier. :^D It's a great transition, as one of the new bands I've really gotten into for 2017 has a song called Secrets that made my list. I had been meaning to give more attention for some current pop punk bands (and stop being "in my day, pop punk bands worked harder" or whatever). I had a number of songs be State Champs already, and now I'm in love! I even have their back catalog in my new music folder to listen to.

I, too, am a realist and an optimist. Nope, I'm not getting over this:

I also appreciate a band that can add some emotional depth into the mix with the fun.

At the same time that I purchased the State Champs album, I also purchased Every Trick in the Book by Ice Nine Kills. None of the individual songs made my playlist, but that album is overall very solid - I love it! Plus, all of the songs are based on a different  novel. It took me a couple listens to realize this, as I was sitting in my car, watching the song titles flash by. The band's name is from a Kurt Vonnegut novel. So I guess they are reader? I can respect that. So here's an honorable mention. I am also a fan of the song name "Blood Bath and Beyond." Hehehehe.

The Ice Nine Kills song that did make my playlist is their cover of Animals by Maroon 5. Granted, the cover takes the sexy into a little more of a menacing place (and I don't condone dog napping). However, I find their lead vocalist ridiculously hot. And while I hate hipsters, I love hipster glasses. It's a shame I carry with me daily.

The original version also made my list, because this song is sexy, just like Adam Levine. MMMMmmmmm...Adam Levine.

Some of the songs on my list are a little out there - whether soundtrack songs or something a little more random. I did in fact download the song below and I listen to it on a regular basis. It still makes me giggle uncontrollable. You can't handle the flow, son! *giggle giggle giggle* [literally dancing through the house to this song - it's my jam!]

On a related note, I feel compelled to tell people that I don't hate the character of Carl Grimes, like many other TWD fans. I wouldn't say that I like him a lot, but I kind of feel bad for him.

Speaking about flow, this next song is amazing because it is educational, and fun! Did you know that the Baltimore Ravens were actually named after the Poe poem The Raven, since Poe lived in Baltimore? #knowledge

I really love this Memphis May Fire song. And Matty Mullins proved you can be ginger and bad ass. And I am pretty sure a sleeve of tattoos is a good way to keep gingers from sunburns.

I don't really understand the song Coconut Dracula, but it's amazing. I Googled what it means just now, and that explanation makes sense, but seems the most random thing to write a song about.

I added a couple more Silverstein songs to my Top 200 playlist. Silverstein holds the #5 spot on my favorite bands list. Their 4th album has been a favorite album of mine for awhile. After the 4th album, it felt like their music was getting more repetitive. Many bands have the issue where they can't really get past the sound of their old stuff, and the new stuff starts to sound like less good version of the older stuff. They definitely flirted with that, to my ears. But their 7th original album, I Am Alive in Everything I Touch really kicks ass. They brought new energy and sounds to their songs, with still being able to hold onto what has made them good for so long. Plus, I just listened to the 2 songs out for their forthcoming album, and I am super bummed that I have to wait, b/c this new album is going to be amazing too! (That's my prediction).

Plus, if someone older than me can make awesome new rock music, then I can totally listen to awesome new rock music.

I case people don't know this, I also like pop music. I think the reason I love pop punk so much (and punk covers of pop songs), is because it's a great marriage of my love of loud rock and catchy pop songs. Of course, I love catchy pop songs too! If I were 15 years younger...

I like when pop songs drop f bombs. It's like they are breaking the rules.

One of the bands I love came out with a new album last year. I am glad to see A Day to Remember didn't let their legal battles get in the way of making great music. Plus they won, and can leave that douche bag label behind. I found this song resonated pretty much from the first time I heard it. I am not really sure what specifically this song is about, but for me I think this song taps into some of those feelings I can have in the mix where I'm worn out from empathy, and I just want to be mad or disappointed or disillusioned with someone. It's also very cathartic to blast from my car on the way home.

I don't know if I said this last time, but I will say it here - I listened to Twenty One Pilots before they were super popular. Yes, they are original, and yes their music is fantastic, and yes I am glad for their success. But just know, when I listen to them it's because I have discerning musical taste, and not because I'm some bandwagon listener.

I dance to this first often - in the car, around the house, wherever I happen to be listening to it. I think the reason why I like this song, and many of their songs, is because they write about things I've felt or can imagine me doing. (Like with Car Radio)

Tear in My Heart is definitely my fav song of theirs (but I put that on the last list! Gah!). This one is probably #2 or #3.

I too want to me a better adversary to the evil I have done - for more information, read my book! Oh wait, hahahaha you can't because I probably won't let you. Sorry, not really ready for that disasterpiece to hit the world.

Speaking of that totally random stab at a transition, I actually have a playlist of songs that remind me of my book. And some of them are on my favs list. I think this first one make a good theme song for the movie based on the book. Hahaha!! ;^) Although, it me be too cheery.

I feel like this next song was my life theme song probably sometime around when this album came out in 2007. I guess sometimes the universe just gives you the music you need, or maybe a bunch of it just exists, you just happen to pick the varieties you like. I don't know. I didn't pick the actual music video because the sound quality was crap.

Random, real time update - when I was looking up the date of the last song's release, I found out that Boys Night Out released a new EP last July. Why did no one tell me?!?! I've only been waiting a decade for new music! I just downloaded THAT, thank you very much!!

On a completely random note, can I just say how lazy spellcheck is sometimes. I often mistype words by typing the letters in the wrong order, but it's STILL ALL THE SAME LETTERS! How does spell check not have a recommendation? It should be able to unscramble like 3, 4 letters max.

Since I promised to not add so many songs, I am going to try to quickly top off this blog at 30. I have spent the last 2.5 hours writing this and listening to these songs. Of course I cannot write about the songs without listening to them once (or twice or thrice). But I will spare everyone some time by not doing 200 - especially since I already captured some previously anyway. You can go reread that blog if you want.

Here's an oldie but a goodie that I still absolutely love! I was singing this in the shower earlier, since I was mentally preparing for this blog.

It makes me feel old how old this next song it. :^( I love the pop culture reference right near the front. If you don't get it, your life is sad. I am sorry.

If you like this next video, but not the audio, I also suggest you watch the Russian Unicorn video. I like to listen to this song when I need some encouragement. I know I just haven't met you yet. Or maybe I have. Or maybe I have, but I don't remember! Or maybe you aren't born yet? Or wait, no, I'm not some creepy dude.

Ok, and now for some newer songs, since they've only come into my life, and my Top 200 playlist, recently.

I don't know if anyone has noticed yet, but I like a lot of songs with high energy. I'll often listen to songs like this while quietly sitting at my work desk, working.

I want a robot head! It would be funny to wear around and just act all nonchalant about it.

So, I am not usually into this kind of music, but this song is catchy as hell!!

For this last one, I will leave you with something close to my heart. I feel like this could be one of my current life theme songs. Thanks for sticking with my (hypothetically speaking, I guess. I could just be writing to myself at this point). But it filled an evening, and I feel good about many new additions (and old favorites) on my Top 200. Maybe you'll catch me listening to one of these songs in my car one day!
BTW - that first line = totally me! :^D