I think I am going to be okay. I think that as bad as 2016 has been so far, now it's going to turn around. *knocks on every piece of wood within reach* - just in case.
I keep returning to how much 2016 has sucked so far, because it's been really bad. I can think back to just a couple weeks ago when I seriously thought I was at my breaking point and wanted to give up. I am not sure what giving up looked like, other than just leaning into the misery and giving up on being positive until January.
But I think I finally have hope things are going to turn around. It's going to take work, and I am going to have to dig deep for the motivation and resolve, which I can either really shine with or really be inconsistent with. And I know I've said it before, but I am really ready to take action to reinvent my life.
There are things in 2016 that sucked that I couldn't control. Things that made life miserable. Some can't really be undone or lead to something better. I joke about jury duty being on the list of the miserable things. (It would not have been had it not been so crazy at work! I want to be on a jury someday!) But earnestly, I lost my grandmother this year - my grandparent I was closest to of all. I still get these times when I think "oh, my mom isn't calling back because she's probably visiting grandma" or I think about how much alike we were, but I didn't really realize it beforehand. I love her and I miss her. I can't use that as a springboard for anything better. I can just hope the sadness fades in time while the memories stay bright. I also can't do anything about my two sets of aunts and cousins who lost two parents/grandparents this year. That's a lot of loss for one family. I can only hope we've seen the end death for quite awhile. *knocks on all the wood again, very firmly!*
But there are things I can improve upon. I've thought to myself many times these last few weeks that there are 4 things in my life weighing on my mind and making things difficult. And that coming to a resolution on these 4 things will get me past this low place to allow me to thrive again.
The 1st item was something giving me headaches for years. That would be my car. I knew I would be replacing my car eventually, but having no car payment really had to be weighed against all of the other nuisances. The AC had been broken in my 2003 Chevy Malibu for awhile. This would have been summer 5 without AC. A few years ago while in law school it used to make the clicking sound like the turn signal was on, only it wasn't on and the sound was none stop. I couldn't use my trunk much b/c the latch had to be replaced after the time my trunk refused to close and came open while on the highway. Sometimes my turn signals wouldn't work so I had to punch the dashboard or punch in the emergency flasher button. The passenger door made this terrible squealing metal sound when opened from that time I got too close to the concrete poll at a gas station. The check engine light came on a lot at the end - not sure if it was really the engine or because the light liked to come on whenever I got gas. Sometimes the car would randomly overheat b/c of not enough coolant, but stopped telling me it was low. My driver side visor fell of so I had to wear sunglasses when I drove or I couldn't see.
The final straw was a little over two weeks ago when I turned off my car to go into a store and my horn started blaring nonstop. It eventually died on the way to the auto parts store - a slow, wailing death, with people staring at me like I could help it. Of course once it died, it was dead. No more horn. Then that same evening I found out my brake lights also didn't work. Something was wrong with the electrical. So, I had had enough! I luckily have a talented cousin-in-law who sells Hondas. I got in contact and set up an appointment the next day! I still had to drive to work, though. One day of having to use hand signals was enough for me! But I am proud of getting in some rules of the road refresher. The day I was telling a coworker about what happened and all the quirks of my car, and he asked "what kind of car are you driving?" A piece of crap, that's what.
So, now I have a new car! I love it! It's 10 years more advanced than the last one. I have AC, a back up camera, I can finally plug in my phone or iPod for music, and so many other wonderful things. Buying a new car is expensive and there's payments, but I saved up intending to buy a new car so I finally let myself. So glad!
The 2nd item has been a nightmare of a battle with my landlord over a broken AC. I won't get into too many detail (legal stuff). But we went 40 days with no AC during the Sacramento summer. I lost many nights of sleep from being too hot. It's hard to enjoy coming home after a long day of work when you can't even move and still sweat. Plus, having no AC in my car made it doubly hard. But now it's fixed! I was rough having to deal with being jerked around, plus having to stand up for ourselves to get it resolved! But thank goodness we did.
The 3rd item is work. The first four months of the year were rough. There was a lot of work to do, a lot of changes to maneuver, and challenges. After having a major burn out June of last year, it was tough dealing with a mini-burn out again so soon this year. Then, after taking time off, it was hard realizing that the problem wasn't that I needed a break, but that I am unhappy with some of my circumstances. And it's sad because I love the work I am doing now more than anything before. But other concerns have been bringing me down. I am still not there yet with coming to terms with what I need to get my motivation back. But it's been coming back. I have been trying to fan the flames and lean into the parts I enjoy. Plus, we have some great new(-ish) leaders who I really believe are making and will continue to make positive changes. I just know I have to keep proving myself and make it through, because I see great things on the horizon. I am ready to learn more and do more, so I have to trust that I am working toward those opportunities.
Lately I have been just really overwhelmed though by the out pouring of appreciation people have been showing me. I know I've struggled in the past with feeling under appreciated and it's hard. Sometimes being the reliable one, and the one who puts in a lot of work to make things look easy to others, can feel thankless. I really feel so lucky for the change. Not too long ago we did peer appreciation and people were recognized in front of the entire organization. In the past I've been bitter about these things, having gone unnoticed. But when I received so much recognition from my peers, across many parts of the org, it felt so good. (It was also slightly uncomfortable b/c I'm an introvert.) I especially appreciated a colleague and friend of mine who went out of his way to encourage others to show me appreciation. I don't know if I ever said enough how much that warmed my heart (I often don't express things as much out loud as they feel inside) and how much I appreciate how much he cares.
Plus, just recently I've had people mention to me one on one how valuable my contribution is and that feels really good, especially from people who I wouldn't think would have time to notice. I sometimes feel weird about how positive people can be, because although I do work hard and really want to help, a lot of the time I just do what makes sense to me. It's weird that feeling of thinking something is obvious or something just comes to my brain in an instant, but to others it seems amazing. I bet that sounds super douchey and a humble brag. But really it makes me feel really grateful that people see so much in me to say so, even if I don't always appreciate myself.
Finally, the 4th thing has been, well, kind of a mess. It's been floating around in my head for too long, and is definitely the trickiest come to a clean resolution on, if that's even possible. I've mostly kept it to myself, and that's going to remain mostly the same. I know everything I need to know, so it's just what I do with that information and what I take away from the experiences that's important now. I am really trying to pull out the positives so I don't see the whole thing as a waste of time and tears. It's like your head can know something for so so so long, and use logic and analyze all it wants. But when your heart doesn't want to listen, or doesn't want the pain, it can be an obstinate pain in the ass! And it can make a situation much more complicated than it needs to be.
And I can really suck at feelings sometimes. As an INFJ, I'm an extroverted feeler. I can feel what those around me feel. If someone I really care about (or even people close to me distance wise) are going through something, I feel it. But when it comes to my own feelings, I often have trouble knowing what I feel until I can write it out or I listen to some song that says what I can't piece together in my head.
Speaking of my head, I can get so wrapped up in it I can't really tell what other people feel about me sometimes, unless they just tell me. And I can over analyze things. I can miss some signals and misinterpret others. And of course when things turn out not as I thought, I beat myself up. So now I am just trying to go through the feels. I need to really understand every layer of what I feel and move through it. I have a few people I'll lean on. And maybe one day I'll lay more cards on the table. But for now it may just suck and I'll rely on ole Ed Sheeran for some emotional release.
What now? I can't use all this crap as an excuse anymore. I need to extend the effort to really navigate my life someplace better. So, I have some goals. I may not meet all of them, at least not as much as I want. But I have some ideas to start with:
(1) I need to rally my motivation with work. I may have some long nights and weekends ahead, but I feel a spark of passion that's been gone for awhile and I want to kindle it. I want to work toward something I am proud of and not let people down. No more mental distractions - no more emotional or stressful stuff getting in the way.
(2) I need to take better care of myself. I have a goal to get in better shape before Ireland. I went all of May with no sugar. I can be disciplined. I just have to want it and not let negative things get in the way. I have to be strong on good days and bad.
(3) I seriously need to finish my novel. At 150+ pages in, it's almost there with version one. And then I can dig in for revisions. Then maybe I might let someone else read it. Maybe. That's a pretty big deal, so we'll see.
(4) I want to get out and do something worthwhile outside of home and work. I hear about people supporting organizations they care about, and I want to do that too. I have an idea of the type of organization I want to help, I just need to find one.
(5) I want to find love. I'm not really sure what it means to be ready for that, but I think I get it more now than ever before. I know I've been working really hard for awhile now at being more vulnerable, opening myself up more. I think now more than ever in my life I have a good number of people I feel safe opening up to much more. More so, people who actually understand more of me as a person than I've let people before. Sometimes it's been rough, like letting someone part way in only to realize I can only let them in so far. Or having someone demonstrate they know me so much better than I've experienced before, but there's still more I won't be able to let them know. And I really want to let someone in, as far in as possible. I want someone who wants to get to know every part of me, someone I can open up wholly to. Not only do I want someone to love me, but I want to love someone, whole-heartedly. I want to know all their pieces and quirks. I want to put my whole self on the line from loving them, and know they'll do the same for me. I want to feel that joy when whoever he turns out to be looks at me and my whole being just lights up. I want someone who I feel my best self, my favorite self around. I just have to get myself out there and believe that I can be vulnerable again (and again and again and again if I have to). I sometimes bristle at the thought of people saying their S.O. is their best friend, because it feels like that means there's no best friend for me. (I mean, I have a best friend, so yay! But still, it's a different kind of best friend). And I want one of those! I think everyone should have one of those and show off their love to the world! And I want it to be my turn!
Again, I don't think that will be easy. And I may not do everything as well or as soon as I want. But I am ready to try! At the very least, I can use Ireland to motivate me until October. And who knows, maybe I'll find me an Irishman! *knocks on wood*
