Someone just asked me if I was happy. And honestly I don't really know. How do you know when you're actually happy, in the aggregate, as a whole?
I am trying to think of a time when I could truly say I was happy, but after childhood because I think as a child, happiness means something else.
I think about high school. That's really when the current state of me really began. I was a star student in high - a resume packer and academic. I really felt the pressure to succeed. Most of this pressure I put on myself, or let others do so. Did this make me happy? I don't know. I can remember the rush of recognition, the pride of good grades. But I remember the disappointments too. How being #4 in my class was a disappointment. How much those 3 Bs each stung. I am proud of myself for my achievement, and still a little sore from the few missed marks, but does that equal happiness?
College was an interesting time, a time when I learned not every class came easy, but before I learned some discipline. I know I didn't live up to my potential, and still wonder what my life would be like if I had. I know now being a dentist wasn't the right path for me, but the failure still sucks! But here I felt more of a pressure - a pressure of appearance. Not like physical appearance, because have you seen me? But the pressure to be the reliable one, the always easy going one, the one who seemed to have things together. That made it harder. I felt I had to be this person, because that's what people expected. And I live for meeting and exceeding expectations. But does that make me happy?
The three years I took off after college were tough. I felt like I had failed. 10+ years of plans and dreams wasted. That's not really true, because I still had a degree, but no direction. I can definitely say this time did not make me happy on the whole, because I lacked a sense of purpose.
So, I went to law school. And I learned to bolster my work ethic with discipline. I learned a lot and really enjoyed the exercise of learning. At times I did feel I didn't do as well as I wanted. I was many times stressed. I sometimes fell a little or a lot short of a grade I thought I earned. I didn't quite rank as high as I wished. But there were also times I was so proud. I exceeded my initial expectations and pulled out some truly spectacular moments. I remember going around saying "I am the 1%" because my mock MBE scores were so high. But at the end of it, with a JD and a bar license, did this experience make me happy?
I think now about work. I don't know where my career is heading. I've kind of let it steer my wherever because I don't really know where I want to go. I do know I really care and I want to make whomever and whatever I can better. I want to work hard, achieve, and make people proud of me. But it's not always easy. It's this cycle of excitement, hard work, stress, rays of hope, more stress, intense pushes, huge thank yous, worrying, and lots of questioning. Am I doing the right thing? Do people respect the work I do? Do I take on too much? Could I have given more?
Does this make me happy? Honestly I still don't know. What does happiness mean really? How do I measure it? I think of all the things I've done that made me unhappy, but in the end I achieved and learned and grew as a person. Do I count the end result as happiness?
It's like when I've read a book that's dry or boring, but had plenty of things to think about, and enjoyed the internal dialogue. Does that count as happiness? How important is happiness anyway? I always like to say "if ignorance is bliss, then no wonder I am so miserable." There's something about the quest for knowledge and something better for the future that seems inherently unhappy to me. But worthwhile. How much should I balance these unhappy things with a search for happiness?
So am I happy? I don't think I can really answer that question. I don't feel I particularly want to either, for fear of an honest answer. I don't feel now is too extremely different than other times in my life, and those times could be a toss up.
I do know what makes me happy, in the individual moments. This makes me happy - writing, putting thoughts to paper, even if my writing sucks or no one reads this. Reading makes me happy too. Music makes me happy, even when I am or it is sad. There's something about beauty for joy, pain, anger, everything that I love. But most importantly, people make me happy. Okay, obviously not every person, and not particular people, and the jury is still out the human race in the aggregate. But there are individuals in my life, whether past or present, who have made my so very happy. It's because of these people that the rest is bearable. It is these people that make the tough times just seem like filler between happy moments with family and friends, instead of those tough times being the focal point.
Maybe that's what it would mean for me to be truly happy - to find a purpose in life that embraces what make me happy around and outside of just what I do. I don't know if I can get there. But it's a good place to start. Besides, I like to tackle the tough questions head on.
