I didn't think I'd write this blog. It's been swimming around my head for a couple weeks but I didn't know if these thoughts were anything I wanted to share. However, I find myself awake at what's now 4:30 a.m., having not been able to fall asleep. I hope this is something I can do to wear myself out, or at least kill time until the day can start.
This adjustment period to the world and my life getting back to normal has been interesting. I remember thinking during the first couple weeks of the pandemic that I could really only last maybe until summer, and then I just couldn't go past that. Now, I feel like I am so used to the changes that I am anxious about resuming "normal" life. (Did I say some of this already last time? I don't remember, so I may repeat myself.)
I may spend a little too much time thinking about what may happen in the near future instead of just focusing on the present. Classic Dayna! Like, I think about the things I had before the pandemic - what will come back and what will be gone forever. I think about how although I may feel not confident as we get back into performing improv, I am glad to be back and I look forward to that happening again. But I think about my job and the relationships I think faded because of working from home, and how I don't think I'll get those back, and what does that mean for the future. I also think about the positive things I've gained during the pandemic, and how many of those will stay or go. Will the bonds I made using technology last into the real world? Will my or other people's priorities shift now that our lives are back, and how do I fit into (or slip out of) that?
Even with all of that going on to wear me out, I still feel this longing to fill that missing piece in my life. But am I ready now to add dating to the mix? In a very lawyerly like fashion, I think the answer is "it depends." I know that I really want to have someone to get to know, spend time with, open up to, see what happens - build a relationship together, enjoying each other. I may stumble along the way, and be nervous with vulnerability, and be a huge lame dork figuring out something so new, but I want to do it! I just keep building an ever better version of me, and I want to share that with someone.
If I go about my life now as it is readjusting, and an opportunity presents itself, I am ready to take it. I feel like I have grown so much and learned so much, even with not getting to do a lot. And while there's always little voices in the back of my head sowing doubt, people I care about have shown time and again that I am valued and cared for. As a person, I have a lot to offer and a lot to appreciate. Also, I'll even admit I may be kind of adorable sometimes. Doing online shows really has boosted my confidence. I think back to 2018 when my anxiety was really bad and I put no effort into my appearance. I kept my hair back in a messy bun most of the time and just wore whatever because I didn't care. Then, after I got my shit together in 2019 and was feeling better, I put more effort into looking nice. Ok, admittedly part of that started because I didn't want to look a disaster mess around this hot guy I sometimes ran into, not that I think he ever noticed or cared what I looked like. But lots of other people noticed and would give me compliments. And it felt great. And having shows to dress up for and to care about how I presented myself really kicked that feeling into overdrive. Over the last few months I've thrown clothes out of my wardrobe because they are things that I bought in frumpy, sad times, and I never want to wear them again because I never want to be that person again.
The difficulty comes with if an opportunity doesn't present itself, I have to start online dating. And I know I am NOT ready for that. It doesn't help that personality wise I am NOT made for the modern dating scene. On top of that, with post-pandemic readjustment, I am not ready to jump into that. And it makes me so mad because literally a week before the pandemic started I was ready to dive into that, but oh no! Lockdown! The time and energy required for such an undertaking seems like such a waste, especially right now when I feel time is getting taken up by returning life and energy is already really low. And as easy as it was to say "once it's time, I'm gonna find a man!" during the lockdown, it's hard to do now. So, so hard. I try to tell myself I've taken steps to prepare and make myself ready, but if I never get out there to meet someone to show my new undergarments to, what's the point to having bought them? (Ok, fine, I do feel cute just knowing they look cute when I go out, even if I'm alone in this knowledge, which is serious progress for me.)
I did some online research recently to help give me some confidence and motivation, and frankly I think it scared me more than anything. I've written before about my struggles with body positivity and accepting myself. I was hoping to find some articles from women like me who found love despite being large and despite society's messed up, horrible, mean, soul-crushing standards. I did find stories of women who found love, except that part is always at the end of a long story full of heart breaking details about how horrible it is. Like, I don't think I even got to the happy ending on some because the real experiences of these women made me cry, and frankly made dying alone seem really the best option, and I had to stop reading for the sake of my soul. Because waiting out there for me are things like lots of rejection, targeted rudeness, unkind comments about my body, men that will have sex with fat women but not date them in public, or the opposite of men who will form emotional relationships with fat women but not be physically intimate, plus just general lack of basic human decency to real people with real feelings. And then for fat women that do find a partner, if they are a different body type, people are rude questioning how that even happened and why a guy would do that. I've definitely gotten into my own head with thoughts like I can't date anyone who is too attractive because then to balance things out his personality has to suck, and I can't date someone with a crap personality. Or I can't date someone too attractive because other women will think he's easy to steal and not respect my relationship because I don't "deserve" a guy like that.
I think about how fucking awesome I am and all I have to offer someone, and I don't deserve to go through any of that crap! No one does, even terrible horrible jerks - they deserve to be healed or to live together on a horrible jerk island somewhere. I honestly don't know what to do. I want to try because I think a lot of still being single comes from that I never really tried. But if trying is futile, I don't want to waste my time or damage my well being putting myself through all that. I've always wanted to ask "why not me?" But as much as I think it could be I'm too quirky, too quiet, guys didn't know I was interested because I was too nervous/shy, my intelligence is intimidating, etc., I fear and have to admit that my body is just not attractive, and I don't want to hear that.
Damn, some of that got heavy. My bad. I'll end it with a joke. I came up with this a few weeks ago. Maybe it's the kick start to my stand up career. Here it is: "Me getting a boyfriend is like having a designated driver. Everyone thinks it's a fantastic idea in theory, but in practice those able to volunteer have tons of excuses not to." Hahahaha! I think it's funny, anyway. Not that everyone who could DD would be who you'd want to DD. But there has to be at least one good one that wants to volunteer, right?
