Today was an interesting day. It was definitely an emotional roller coaster. It ended on a high not, literally, having spent some time singing karaoke with some of the best people I know. But over the course of the day I was happy, sad, angry, disappointed, bored, excited, pensive, surprised, proud, shocked, disgusted. There may have been more things in there, but I think I've run out of adjectives.
But mostly I think today hit home a point that I've known for awhile, but I really wasn't willing to admit: My life just isn't very satisfying.
Don't get me wrong - I've got a lot of great things going for me - family, friends, a place to live, a job. But I've realized I'm just coasting at this point, moving along with the tide.
And for awhile that worked. For so many years when I was young I had a life plan and took the steps I needed to get there. And when I found myself as a college grad whose plan didn't work out, I just went where life took me.
I've done a lot of random things in the last decade. I worked retail, I was a nanny, I substitute taught middle and high schoolers, I decided to go to law school and become a lawyer, I got a JD and passed the bar only to decide I really didn't want to be a lawyer after all. So I've just ended up wherever life just happened to lead me.
I've learned a lot. I know now that had I know myself this well as an undergrad, I would never have been a science major. Mostly because I've realized I would have been miserable as a dentist - work that's really repetitive, having to talk to people all day every day! No thank you!
And I've taken some time recently to just really find out what I want to do. And who I want to be. But I think for some months now I've been using the whole "I don't know where I'm going" excuse as a reason not to do anything, just to stay put where I am to just think. But I don't think I am going to gain any insight that I haven't had for a number of months now.
I think part of my problem is I spend too much time lost in fantasies of what the future could hold. "If I did this, this and this could happen and imagine how awesome that would be. Or, "if this works out with so-and-so, this and this could happen and I'd be where I'm supposed to be at my age." But it never happens. And eventually it just hurts knowing that something I can almost touch isn't ever going to be real.
I've told myself that the only person who has ever broken my heart is me, because I put too much thought and hope into things that won't happen. And part of it is I don't put myself out there enough. But I think part of it is I don't really want these things to happen - or at least I don't want to take the risks that require them to happen. I'd rather live in my bubble of make believe, while just living my outside life however makes people happy until I can escape to my world again.
But I've had enough of that bullshit, let me tell you! Here and now I make a personal oath to myself that I will do more for me. I am the only one that can make me happy. I am the only one that can go get what I want. I started this blog with such good intentions of making my life better, and find myself in the same place I was 3 months ago, only now sadder and more bitter because I've let some fantasies last longer than they should.
I am going to be selfish. I am going to do what I can to make me better - take care of me, do what I want to do, say what I want to say. And the last person I will let get in my way is me. It's going to be tough love, but I will stop letting me take a backseat in my own life!
First thing, set priorities. I've known I'm not happy with the way I take care of myself. And as much as I feel bad for myself when it's hard and I want to give up, tough! I am going to make myself better whether I like it or not!
Second, I want more passion in my life. Not like steamy romance passion (although I would take it if it came), but I mean something that gives me energy and makes my want to participate. I love writing, which is one reason I started this blog, but I don't give myself the motivation to write enough. Who cares if no one wants to read what I have to say? This is for me. My novel is for me. Maybe people like my writing, maybe they think it's self-indulgent drivel. Well, tough! Because as a newly selfish human being, I do what I want!
Let's just hope tomorrow, and the next day, and the next, I just keep up this attitude.
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