I really wanted to sleep. But then I got to thinking deep thoughts, and then I got to wanting to put those thoughts into words, and once the writing bug gets me, it's impossible to shoo it away until it's sated. Besides, if I am not going to sleep either way, I at least could be doing something that pretends towards productivity. Like, pretending that anything I write means anything, or that anyone will read it and learn something about me. I wish people would read more about what I write about myself, because maybe then I could feel less guilty that I learn so much about others but give away so little of myself.
On that point, I hate that looking back over so many years, I am still working on the same thing. I am still trying to be more open, put myself out there more, let people in better. Maybe I actually have, but I am so used to it being a constant struggle that I've missed the progress. Maybe I really am more open than I think, and I need to stop pretending like I'm this big enigma. Maybe I should actually ask people their views on this topic instead of trying to figure it out myself. I don't know.
I have been thinking a lot lately about how some people tend to get told the positive things about themselves more than others. Being lonely and depressed from the pandemic has really hit me and when I get low I get super self-doubting and thinking people hate me. It's to the point where I am really annoyed with myself because I feel like every time I need to reach out for support, it really feels more like I'm just asking people to compliment me. That's not the intention at all, but it worries me that it's becoming an annoying habit. But I should probably put that aside because obviously people want me to be open and vulnerable when I am feeling down and want to cheer me up. I can't help it people have nice things to say.
But I also think about people who don't express their insecurities aloud. And people who come across very confident. Maybe they don't get complimented enough because people don't feel they need to be. Like, oh you're already so confident in yourself I don't want to inflate your ego. But I don't think that's fair. And I worry that in my own experience of receiving kind words, that I don't make room to share the same.
I also worry about not expressing enough how I feel about people. I think it manifests in different ways. For one, I have an easier time showing people I care by doing something or giving them support, rather than just coming out and saying "I think this positive thing about you." Especially if it doesn't feel natural to say or if I am not confident in how the other person feels about me and I don't want to make things weird. I feel like I care much more for people than I am willing to show. Second, just because I often put lots of hyperaware intention into even the littlest things, it doesn't mean that most people do too. Not everything means something, good or bad. There's probably way less to read between the lines than I may think.
Soon I will actually need to go to bed. I feel more settled now. Just time for a few more points, before I hopefully drift off to slumber town. I have also been thinking about loneliness. Happily I can say that I no longer fear one day being friendless and alone. The last few years are a nice reminder about how easy I can make friends. Now that I think about it, it's really stupid that I know I make friends easily yet think everyone hates me. Oh the joys of anxiety brain! But seriously, even in these crazy times I've been able to make new friends and I cherish that so much. I just worry about my eventual capacity to fall in love.
The thing about friendships is they come in all shapes and sizes. You can make friends you share everything with, or have friends where your entire friendship is based around one narrow shared interest and everything else is not discussed. But to fall in love, you really have to go all the way with the vulnerability. You have to be prepared to open up all the way and dive all into someone who is also all open. And I feel like now more than ever I am really ready for that. I just don't know if I am capable of that. The weird part is I don't think I'll have a problem getting from like 50% all the way to 100%. The part I fear is the 0-50% (or maybe 0-30%, depending on what that even means anyway).
Let's face reality. I am not attractive, at least not in the conventional sense. And while many friends may say "oh you're so beautiful, stop it," that really feels more like in the "you have a great personality and yay for body positivity" sense and not a "someone will actually want to date you" sense. Or maybe I'm just slightly too old to benefit from all of the gorgeous women as role models to self confidence in any body. Because if so many people think I am so great and deserve something so wonderful, put your money where your mouth is and give me some options. I find it hard to believe that every person I know has no one they could set me up with. I have been told before that everyone this one person knew were all crappy, but I can't believe that I am so amazing that not one man known by all the people I know is deserving of me. (The sarcastic disdain I feel for that last sentence is dripping off the screen.) The reality is probably more like people know people who would definitely say no, and being my friends they don't want me to get hurt, so they make up an excuse.
Here's the thing. Even if it's true and I have all these cons about how I look, I have so many pros going on that I think it makes up for it. I love myself a lot and think I'd make someone really happy. And when I don't think that, I listen to Me! by Taylor Swift and remind myself there is no one like me. :P Let's be realistic, I can't settle for okay. One of the burdens of being really smart is I have to find someone that can hang and is worthy of my time. And as I get older and more emotionally intelligent, it's going to get harder to find guys that meet my standards. I feel like such an arrogant jerk writing that, but it's true. For friends, you just have to be a nice person that wants to hang around me. But if you really want to be that person (even if for just awhile) there's a lot more that I need. And I worry that I am not good enough at putting myself out there in the going from nothing to something period of time that I can get someone interested in going from something to everything.
Which really just sucks because being loved by me on a deep level is an experience so monumental and profound that it doesn't just exist every day. It feels very conceited and preposterous to say that, but it's just something I know deep in my soul. Most people don't see others the way I do, they don't take in the being of other people and see people so clearly, so deeply. I do think a lot of holding back comes from picking up more things than others do and seeing how things will play out because of predicting based on past behavior, and being able to really empathize with people.
When I open up 100% and receive the same in return, it will be this hauntingly beautiful thing, fragile and strong. If it lines up, we will be both challenged and supported. Sometimes I feel like different versions of me around different people, and this would be my best version, my favorite version, because it would be the most whole. And I know this sounds like terribly bad, pretentious poetry, but really I just have this yearning to get there. And I am willing to do whatever it takes, whatever work on myself I need, to get to that place to find it. It's going to be scary, but in all the best ways.
And seriously, I've had enough alone time to think this year to cover the rest of my over-thinking, introverted life, so when the world is safe again, watch out!
No comments:
Post a Comment