I am writing this now at 11:27 p.m. on March 25, 2020 but unsure if an when I will post it. Writing the blog is the important part for me. The level to which I care that other people read this, or pretend that they might, varies. I feel like I've read too many depressing things online right now to sleep, so I figured this was a better activity than reading more depressing things online or lying awake in bed stressing.
I would like to start this with the following statement. I very much dislike giving valuable time and space to my own problems, and to asking of other people to take their time to hear or read about what's bothering me. Most of the time it's not a big enough deal to bother people. And if it was, I would already be disinclined to talk about it anyway. I recognize that in so many way I am so much luckier than so many people. I have so much gratitude for what I have and what I've done. And I have this weird sense of like I've lived with my struggles so they aren't that bad because that's just how things are and I'm used to it. I'm also someone that firmly believes though not to discount someone else's problems by saying "it could be worse" or "I have it worse." Even if you could put a numerical, objectively discernible value on hardships and compare them, I feel like there are very few people that don't actually have real problems. The overwhelming majority of people deserve sympathy and care, even if things could be worse. Of course I don't always believe in extending that thought to myself.
I always want to be strong for everyone else. I'm always the keep calm and carry on type. I know some of that comes from a good place. I find it easy to focus on others than myself. I am an empath and I really care. I get other people where I don't always get myself. But I also know some of it comes from a bad place. I can be private to a fault. I don't always practice self care when I should. I prioritize the image of strength and calm over actually being both of those in some moments. People expect certain things from me and I expect myself to comply.
I am not having the best of times right now. I don't want to say I'm straight up struggling, because I feel that's too strong of a word. Wait a moment while I check my dictionary and thesaurus ... ... ... ... I think uneasy is probably the best word. There's the obvious stuff - the impending sense of doom waiting to descend onto different parts of the world while doom is already raging in others; the disruption of normal life with all it's fears and difficulties. Personally I am in a good place. I still have a job, I will be able to continue paying bills. I get to work from home. I'm diligent that the roomie and I keep outside things separate from inside things. I do worry that if the virus is brought home that either of us will get badly sick, but more just generally worried because there's all the articles about people with no risks dying!
Where I find unease comes from past struggles. I dealt with really bad anxiety in 2018. For months and months there was always something where I would say "once this is over, I'll feel better." But there was always a next thing and a next thing. Until there was no more next thing and I still felt debilitatingly anxious. In 2019 I put in a lot of work to get out of the anxiety hole I feel into. In most of 2018 and the early part of 2019 there were so many times when I wanted to quit everything except my job. When I struggle, I want to self isolate. I know I have to have a job to pay for things, and since I don't like to fail or outwardly show signs of issues, I could continue to work with high quality even at the worst of times (I am assuming so unless there's even more worse times that I just haven't experienced and would prefer not to experience, thank you). But outside of work (or school when I was younger) it's so much easier to just hide in my own space and block people out. But I worked really hard during those tough times not to give things up. I would be at practice on a Wednesday having an internal dialogue with myself about how on one hand I felt horribly anxious and was not having that much fun, but on the other hand objectively I enjoyed it and would be very sad and disappointed if I gave up. As things got better last year I was so thankful I didn't give up. And as time went on I socialized so much because I was just so grateful I had people and good feelings to allow myself to be fine again. Honestly I don't think people knew enough to notice. But I feel good now about how I have built friendships with people I would feel comfortable talking to and letting the guard down some. Okay, a lot.
What makes right now really hard is being self isolated. To my brain it feels wrong. The isolation is what I do when times are bad. It's like I worked so hard and got so much better, just to have it all taken away by something I cannot control. Logically I know that's not true. Everything isn't gone, it's just in its own space and for a limited time only accessible online. Realistically I don't think people are going to forget I exist. I don't think the people I care about are going to be glad they don't have to see me anymore. I do believe I've made real relationships and those will survive, and more importantly help me survive. But being alone with my headspace means those sneaky voices of doubt have time and space to creep in. Besides worrying about the state of the entire world, I worry about what if I cannot work from home indefinitely, emotionally, and my work suffers and I get fired. Or what if the people I rely on to keep me distracted and sane during this time get tired of me. What if people REALLY DO forget I exist. Sometimes people don't even listen to me or realize I am present when I am literally RIGHT THERE.
I also hate the fact that the best thing I can do to help is just stay put. I wish I had a huge random supply of useful things I could donate somewhere, or an extra million dollars instead. I wish I had an excess of something I could use to make something useful or a huge empty hotel I could let homeless people live in. There are so many people out there being so useful and overworked and I don't feel like I deserve to be allowed to just sit here and not help. I deal with worry and stress by being productive. I can only create so many lists or spreadsheets of things before I run out of things to list and sheet. Not sure if any of it is actually useful except for filling the time.
I think at this point you can see why I am loath to publish this. Personally I think it sounds like "poor pitiful me, my life is so hard being at home not doing anything important." And I agree with that 110%. But I also have a very wise friend that told me that I don't always have to be strong. She said if things get hard and I need to let them out, I have to do that. So that's what this is. I cannot go back in time and change all of my life choices so I can be of more service to the world right now. All I can do is let some of the stuff out of my head so I don't accidentally spontaneously combust or something. I'm pretty sure that's how that works.
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