What I need now is a resolution. I need a solid footing, a firm answer, or a determined decision. Because the constant analysis, the constantly being confused and believing opposite ideas is too much. It's time for an end.
As a disclaimer for readers, I am writing this for me. If I am too vague, to whiny, to introspective, to open - tough. I have yo write this. I've been wrestling with writing this for a couple weeks now. I need to write to process. But I also worried about writing this without saying it, when I should just say it out loud. But I've already proven I can't, not the way things are now. So if not being open in person irritates anyone - tough. If you know me well enough, you get it, whether you like it or not.
I have a problem. And as I write that sentence I feel like I am about to enter a vague, obnoxious discussion like a round of recent job interviews my team gave. But I digress. I have a problem. There something I really want. And I've wanted it awhile now. But I know I'll never get it. So what do I do now?
When I say I'll never get it, I don't actually know that for sure. I don't really know if I don't have what I want because I can never have it, or because I never said O wanted it. Of course people will disappoint your expectations if you never express them.
See I've let other people, and my own insecurities and people skill gaps, tell me I'm wasting my time. That circumstances are against me. And I 99% believe them. I've come to the conclusion in my heart that I'm hoping an impossible hope. But that pesky 1% keeps popping up, letting me hope, and letting me suffer.
So I am at a crossroads. Do I just unload everything no matter the consequences? At this point, worse case scenario is I upset someone and they hate me. And it'll be awkward and painful, because I don't want to lose something that means a lot to me. But I feel like I'm at the point where (1) I think I know enough that that won't happen, or (2) if it happens I am prepared. Besides, if this makes someone that upset, then I've been wasting my time this whole time anyway.
I could always go with option 2 - don't say anything and just resolve to change on the inside. I usually prefer this method. I prefer being the calm sea on the surface, with a raging storm underneath. Problem is, I've tried and failed at this so many times now. I really want to stay resolved this time. And maybe I can. But maybe I can't. It's going to take a lot of resolve to change so much inside, without appearing inconsistent or punishing relationships for unilaterally being in a different head space. I can't just suddenly turn 180 with no explanation.
The funny thing is I almost did option 1. I resolved to just open up. Beforehand I told myself I had to get it all out, and also that I fully expected myself to chicken out. And I almost got there. I didn't chicken out completely but I didn't open up completely either. But when you plant seeds in the desert, they probably won't bear fruit. So for all intents and purposes I chickened out.
Why? Because that 99% of me knew it would be bad news, even if taken well. And the 1% of me didn't want to say the words that would ruin everything. And it didn't want to hear the words confirming what I am sure I already know.
So, I'm 32 now. I look back where I was a year ago and I was in a similar place - questioning. I wish that I knew then what I know now - other people's impressions, how much this was going to suck, how circumstances would progress. I would have nipped all of this in the bud then. But now all I can do take action now and go through the bad stuff. Because there are things I want in my life relatively soon. And I can't have them going down a futile path. As much I as don't want to give up hope and I don't want to start at square one, sometimes all you can do it move along.
Here's to figuring out how!
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