Okay, I am officially declaring it - 2016 is on my shit list. No more sitting around being sad and hoping the year will get better. Now I am pissed, and over it. I don't want 2016 to get better. I just want it over - done.
And I don't think it's just me. I had a conversation with my best group of friends the other day, and one asked something about whether Mercury was still in retrograde - because it has felt like that ALL year. Not just for me, but for people I am close to and care about. It doesn't feel like it's getting better. It only seems that more people close to me are having more crap dumped on them. Not to mention, on top of everything the national and global crap going on.
I never thought I would say this, but I wish tons of people I know were getting engaged, married, and having kids, because the world around me could use some joy. I thank goodness for the few such events and announcements of these that bring some happiness - a close friend gets married soon, a sister is going to have a baby, other good friends just had one. Please people, I beg of you, PLEASE have good things happen in your lives!!!
As for me, I don't know if there's enough hope in me or time left in the year to recover 2016. I may just try to survive until it ends. The funny thing is, I came into 2016 thinking it would be my year. I had a rough 2015. June on was full of a lot of hard things. But if you would have told me 2016 would make 2015 look pleasant, I would have laughed and cried, and declared "how could that possibly be?"
I am just so sick of feeling terrible, and writing blog posts about feeling terrible, and not talking to people about how terrible I feel. I swear if I cry ONE MORE TIME, I am going to lose my shit! I am seriously going to be pissed off and so over myself. Seriously!
My biggest fear at the moment is that I spent a bunch of money on a great trip to Ireland, and it's going to be a waste and no fun because my life sucks so bad that all this misery will follow me overseas. I've already had two mini-vacations this month, and they weren't the recharging times of bliss I needed them to be. The first one was good - I really needed time with my family. But that's not to say there weren't quiet alone moments where the things I wanted to leave behind crept in. And the second vacation, while still redeemably magical, was tainted with disappoint, shame, frustration, and just generally again not being able to leave things behind.
Of course when I returned to normal life, I didn't feel refreshed. This was because I realized I didn't just need a break to recharge. My life just sucked. And going away wasn't going to make it suddenly better to come back to. And now all I look forward to is the dread that I will ruin my dream vacation because I can't get my act together.
I am so tired of being strong. I am tired of feeling I have to be the one to comfort everyone else, and always seem fine. I want to break down sometimes. I want someone to hold me in their arms and tell me it's okay. I want to be vulnerable and needy, and it be okay because someone wants to be that for me.
But funnily enough, I want to take everyone's pain away. I want to make 2016 better for everyone I care about who is suffering, like me but in different ways. Just knowing that someone I care about is sitting around, feeling broken too, and I can't do anything to fix it, hurts me too. If I can't (or maybe won't) fix some of my problems, maybe I can find joy in helping others. Or at least distract myself from myself.
Or maybe it's time to take the bull by the horns. I feel like I am used to feeling crappy, so why not just lean into it. I need to push myself in the direction of what I think will get me through the fire and safely out the other side. I don't know if that means the reward for my suffering will mean positive things, or just the end of negative things. But I am ready to try - even if that means hurting others or means putting my burdens on other's shoulders. Maybe at the end of the day it means walking away and starting over, or cutting ties it kills to lose.
At the end of the year, if it's going to hurt, I'd rather it makes me stronger.
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