Being the Vulnerability I Want to See in the World

 I struggled the last several days with whether I wanted to write this blog or not. On the one hand, I really want to be more open and I believe that talking about these things are very important, and I want to be a part of that. On the other hand, I have decades of just keeping to myself and soldering on to fight against, plus the thought that writing this blog is just empty openness if I don't expect anyone to read it. But here we go anyway.

It feel weird to be "officially" depressed. It's not like I didn't know I was depressed. I've been depressed a couple times before, so I know what it feels like. But there's something about it being official now that feels weighty. I am not surprised that I am depressed, with everything that has happened in the last several months. And looking at my mentality and behavior it was clear. But putting a name to it makes it more than "I just need to get used to everything and keep on keeping on", and instead it's a big thing that needs more care, monitoring and acceptance. 

Although, now that I am passed the "wow, this is that big a deal" it also feels less of a weight too. Like, it has a name, there are tactics to cope, and I have more words to put to things to better identify and overcome what's going on. Turns out increased irritability is one of the symptoms of depression, so that explains that. So if I go off on someone in a chat or something, I'm not an asshole, I'm just uncharacteristically irritable because of my depression.

This has also been a very interesting experience because sometimes I feel it so much in that moment and it can be overwhelming at times. Like not overwhelming in the sense that I cannot handle it, but like overwhelming in the sense that it takes up all my headspace so I cannot focus on anything else. I may just sit in a chair spacing out or dangle my arms and head off the side of the bed because I just can't anything else. But other times I feel like I'm watching it as an outside objective observer. Like I can logically understand it and disconnect from it, and think about it as I would some scientific observation with cold indifference.

Here's where it hits the hardest. Focusing on things is probably the hardest thing for my right now. Tasks take so much longer than they usually would. Mostly it's because I get distracted and just stop mid-task. Like I'll be typing something and then get distracted by a thought of something else I need to do, or I'll want to scroll through Facebook, or I think "let's play a quick game of Minesweeper." I also do a lot of starting a task and while doing it coming upon something else that needs to be done, and then like I'm 3-4 tasks deep and none are done. I also find it really hard to get up the energy to do even the simplest life admin stuff. Anything that involves a phone call will be put off for way too long. I write everything down on my dry erase board and not until that gets too busy to trigger my anxiety do I do things. If there's not a pending deadline (i.e. I could get in trouble for not doing it), I am probably going to put it off. Sometimes I just knock a handful of things off together on a Saturday for a huge shot of relief and productivity pride. 

The self care is hit and miss. I know I don't drink enough water and I have gotten into the habit of forgetting to eat once or twice some days. I am working on getting better. And it's not THAT bad because if I feel thirsty I drink water, and if I'm hungry because I forgot to eat, I go eat something. So like I am not on a regular routine, but I meet my needs when they need to be. I am working on incorporating more activity into my life. I used to walk daily during lunchtime, but since I discovered Minecraft, I play that during lunch instead of walking (or eating). But on the bright side, these last two months with literally doing nothing on purpose, I've been able to maintain the 20 pounds weight loss. So at this point, as I work on being more mindful of my self care, I'm only going to get better. That also means I'm going to have to buy new pants eventually. I also struggle with sleeping. I don't like to get up in the morning because I have to do stuff. And then I don't like to go to bed because most of the stuff that makes me happy happens in the evenings and night, and I don't want it to end and return to the morning and day time.

Also, as is pretty par for the Dayna course, when it's particularly bad, I do get negative about myself. I worry that I said something stupid and people think I'm dumb or they hate me. Or because no one responded to my chat or not many people like a post, it's because everyone hates me and I'm alone and stupid. (Side note, Facebook's algorithm may be exacerbating people's mental health struggles. Idk if that's true, but I'm going to feel that way so I don't feel people hate me instead. Hahahaha.) These times just require me to remember that I've been told by a whole bunch of people on many occasions that this is NOT true, and I feel better about it. Besides, most of the time I don't really care if most people hate me because (1) I objectively know that's not true, and (2) if someone does hate me, then I don't care because the people I like enough to want to like me do. If someone was inclined to dislike me, I'd probably not like them either or at least not care enough about them to care. I mean, my list of haters is probably so small that just having a list at all makes me feel like a bad ass, just a little.

I am really proud of myself though. Turns out when it's "official" there's also ways to tell if I'm coping fine. And turns out I'm coping pretty damn well! Yes, yes those paragraphs above may make it sound pretty damn miserable, and yes it's a struggle, but it's a struggle I am making it through pretty well. The most important things is that I am doing things to keep up my positivity. I look at how badly I coped in the past, especially when much younger, and it's a drastic difference. When I am feeling particularly down, I reach out to people I care about to talk about it. Yes, it may take days sometimes to work up that courage. And yes, sometimes they way I reach out may not be the most productive (like that time I tried to quit that thing because I thought everyone hated me, but what I really needed was just someone to talk to). But I do reach out. And I get in regular socializing, even though I am stuck at home. Being able to talk to or play games with people multiple times a week, whether in a group or one on one, really helps. When I'm doing a show or have social time, I'm even able to forget that I am depressed and I can just relax, have fun, and let myself be me. 

I still don't have the focus to do some of the activities I love. I write less, so this blog is the only writing I've done - no sketches, no novel work, nothing new. But I'll get there. I am reading more than before, which is helped by reading things that are more fun and interesting. The Plato and Aristotle is going to stay unread for awhile longer, but my BFF's new book is really gotten me to sit and read longer than I have been. She also sent me this other book that makes me crying intensely as I read these excerpts from this advice column, but they are so good I have to keep reading - only just 2-3 at a time. I am also singing more than I have been the last couple of months. I kind of see this as the biggest sign of how I am doing with how often I am compelled during the day to burst into song. Singing is my favorite form of stress relief (well, favorite form that's quick and easy and I can do whenever I want). So if I'm too moody to sing, that's a sign. Wanting to only sing sad and cranky songs is better than not wanting to sing at all. 

Having the comedy shows is a HUGE help through all this. First I have something fun to do almost every day with fun people that I look forward to it. Second, producing shows really keeps me on task and not giving up on doing anything. Because it's something I really enjoy doing and if I didn't do all the things I have to do to produce a show I would disappoint people I want to make happy, I can muster the energy to do all the things, even if not always as early as I would like. And being able to keep up with all the little tasks for those (getting guests, sending info to guests, making events, etc.), I find it a little easier to muster energy to do other little life chores outside of shows because I have proof it's not that hard. There is literally nothing that I've put off doing that got me in trouble or that caused me to miss out on anything. Even mailing back my old laptop for a trade in credit got done eventually, even if on literally the last possible day. It just helps to feel like little things that used to take practically no energy to do, but have felt like hurdles lately, can eventually go back to being minor. I just have to keep at it and keep coping, and I'll get there.

So what do I want the take away to be from this? 

(1) I am done not sharing about myself. I have mental health struggles sometimes. Other people do too. It doesn't make any of us a bad person and there needs to be more openness about these things. When I hear that other people struggle with mental health, I feel grace for them and feel impressed because of what they were able to overcome and what they could achieve even with those struggles. I need to stop not giving myself that same love and acceptance. I need to stop fearing that people are going to question who I am or all that I have accomplished because they know I struggle too. If anything, I'm even more of a badass because I'm not perfect and I have had some serious struggles. And if people want to question me and think it bad, then they can go away forever because they suck anyway and I don't care what they have to say.

(2) I'm not doing great. I'm not perfectly fine, I'm not peachy keen. I'm not all sunshine and rainbows and all positivity and hope. Times are not easy for me right now. And I'm being real about it. I do feel super blessed and grateful for all the things that are fine now and struggles I don't have. And I have so much empathy for everyone with struggles, ones I have and ones I don't. And that also makes it hard because there is so much struggle everywhere that it can sometimes feel like it's caving in all around.

(3) I am doing fine. Yes, I am struggling. And yes, this is not easy or fun. But I am hella proud of how I'm tackling it, and I have so much in my life keeping me sane and happy. I have new friendships, I'm developing new skills, I am crushing it at Minecraft. Because while mental health struggles do make my life harder at times and with some stuff more than others, it doesn't define me or what my life is. It's just another hurdle to handle like anything else life throws at me. And I am just unbelievably proud of myself how like with each time the hurdles are thrown at me, it gets easier and easier to jump over them. And I guess that's why I wanted to share because I'm not the only one who deals with this, and like maybe even in the tiniest way I can help make someone else's hurdles a little easier to jump over too.