Too Much

I have so many thoughts running through my head that I can't decide where to begin. So I told myself the important thing is to just begin writing, and I'll get to wherever I am going eventually. I feel like that advice fits a lot of things right now.

I've been thinking a lot about what I want to focus on for 2022. 2020 was supposed to be an exciting year of new opportunities but turned into a year of survival and waiting. 2021 turned into a year of getting back to my life with many modifications and giving myself grace with not being back to my old self. Oddly enough, I feel like for 2022 I am right back in the same place I was at this time in 2020, only much more world weary from a collective trauma and mostly devoid of hope. But I want the same thing, more now that I did then. And the fear of wanting something so badly that may never happen for me is too much.

The most enthusiastic I've probably been in a while was that period leading up to my second vaccine dose when I was so full of excitement and hope about what I could do once I could return to other people. During the pandemic I went through a lot of change, gained some unexpected self-confidence, and intellectually learned some interesting lessons. I was ready to put everything to good use and to not be single anymore! I did online dating for all of 4 days before the anxiety and pressure I was putting on myself freaked me out. I didn't have the energy to put into something so big and new. Hell, I didn't have the energy needed to go back to how my life was before. So I had to accept for myself that with as much time as I lost during the pandemic, I was going to lose more time because I had to take care of myself before trying to add someone new to my life.

I knew for those 4 days that I was in the wrong headspace. I wasn't looking at profiles thinking this guy or that had something interesting going on. I wasn't curious and excited to get to discover someone new. I kept asking myself if each guy was worth taking time away from the people and activities I loved. I wanted someone that would fit neatly into my life, and was overwhelmed by the idea of having to accommodate a whole other person's life into mine if he had too many things going on that I wasn't into. I just barely had parts of my life back. I didn't want some new entity taking me away from it!

So I did the work. I accepted I didn't have the energy I did before and could not juggle things as deftly as I always have. I let myself leave parties early if I ran out of energy. I rested when I was wiped at the end of the week. And I accepted I would keep being alone as long as I needed to be. I let myself say when something was too much and say no. 

A conversation recently with a good friend got me thinking about the history of the things that I juggle, for lack of a better summation. The conversation took a different turn than intended, but the initial idea was to ask me for tips on being more organized in life. Yes, I would say I am a well-organized person. To me it feels like so much rattles around in my head that the only way to function in the real world is to be very organized. Otherwise the random, intense, busy nonsense in my head might take over. But yeah, I juggle more things than a number of people do and keep on top of things. I can see where some people would see that as impressive or too much for them to do. It got me thinking as to why it doesn't feel that way to me. 

I used to tell myself that I was lucky that as a teen I never had to get a job to help my parents. We were definitely low income and money was a stressful thing, but my parents knew I was smart and that school was important to give me a good future. So I was lucky enough to get to focus on school. It's great the money college will throw at you when you're smart and your parents don't have much money. But lately I realized this narrative wasn't true. Yes, as a teen I never applied for a job at a business where someone else would give me a paycheck. But that doesn't mean I didn't work. Before I was ever old enough to legally work someplace a teen might, I worked for my dad with his second hand sales business. I gave up a lot of time on evenings and weekends to haul boxes, load up a truck, or to spend hours at a yard sale or flea market. This is why I hate both of those things with a fiery passion. So I did school and homework and I worked a lot of hours. It made me realize I was just used to always being on the grid, not having as much downtime as I preferred. The biggest difference is now I get to make the decisions on what fills my time and I worked really hard on my life balance to be able to fill my non-work time with things that I want to do, instead of have to do.

And here is how that tangent relates to my contemplations on being single. I can totally see where someone else may see my life as too busy for someone. But it's not too busy for me. And the beauty of being in control of my life is that I can change what I commit to and make space if it's needed. And I want to make that space. For the longest time in my life I was always working towards making life better for myself. I never made a decision in my life to focus on my career or to put off romance on purpose. I just always saw myself as focusing on the thing in front of me - college, law school, job - to build the foundation for a good life for me and my future family. And I just always thought that while I was living my life I would meet someone organically and I would integrate him into my life and shift the future along with what I already had going on. But that never happened. I find myself here now realizing I made it a place where I can say I did it, I can provide a good life for a family, but it's just me.

Around October 2021 was when I knew I was in a better place and emotionally ready to find someone. The realization hit me one evening seeing friends who had their person and getting to witness the love and support those couples give each other. I want to be that anchor for someone who at the end of the day knows I'll always be in his corner and give him strength when going out to face the world, and I want someone who can be that for me. I want to love the fuck out of someone in all the big and little ways, to see the whole depths of someone and be seen in the same way. I realize that it takes a lot of time to get there – I am looking for something to take as long as it needs to be right, and I am generally slower to open up anyway – so I need to get going!

I feel it my responsibility to say here that friends are great - they can give support and love and caring, and I appreciate and care for and love the fuck out of the amazing friends I have. They bring so much joy and importance to my life. I don't want to discount that. I do think though they can agree that there's something different about having a partner. Both having a partner and having friends are great in different ways, so everyone should have both if they want.

Being emotionally ready in October didn't mean being logistically ready. Given the previous winter, I had large (clearly justified) concerns about a winter surge. I didn't want to start any serious efforts into online dating and then have it sidelined so soon by Covid. And given how bad things got, I am really glad I waited. The stress of that was too much and I definitely did not want to risk safety for dates with strangers. So I waited.

And now the time for waiting is ending. And I don't want to do it. I hate it! I don't want to online date. The idea of it fills me with this overwhelming dread of all the terrible things that will probably, most definitely happen. I am going to spend so much of my time and energy for no return. I am going to get passed over by too many men to count, with only an infinitesimal amount even worth my time in the first place. But if I have to, I will put myself through it, even if the likelihood of working is dismal. Because after spending so many years in places with people with alike interests, goals, intellectual levels, personality traits, etc., and not finding anyone interested in me, I can't see how wading into the cesspool of online dating will be any better. 

Online dating is so superficial. I am not good at a superficial level. There is too much of me, and as I feel it's unfair to not make that clear in photos, it's a big reason for guys to swipe left. I hate that stupid game of basing worth on what someone looks like on the outside, when I have so much going on on the inside. What I look like is not a fair measure of who I am or what I have to offer. Granted, the guys that are going to measure like that aren't worthy of me anyway. And I try really hard to get over that voice in my head that says something like "if a guy is good enough for me, why would he pick me when he's so great - he could get so many other women." I do like to think that I clean up well enough, and some attractive women are such terrible people on the inside, that mathematically I come out ahead. It’s just how does any guy figure that out from a profile?

I still can't always shake that feeling that I'm too much. Not just on the outside but inside too. I'm too smart, too ahead in my career, too independent, too naive in some things, too this, that or some other thing. I worry that there is this sweet spot in knowing me a where someone knows me enough to understand all the things I have to offer, but doesn't know me too well that I'm totally open with all the random shit in my head that makes people weirded out by how my mind works. And that sweet spot is where I have to reel someone in. The problem is I don't know if that's really a thing. Plus one day he is going to have to love that crazy, random nonsense thinking part of me too, so if that's a deal breaker, then better to move along sooner than later. I just feel like at the end of the day there are just too many shallow reasons for a man to say "pass" on me, despite all the great things I have to offer.

I have had comments that I am "overqualified" for the job as a girlfriend (and I myself have made that joke with some bitterness). But frankly I am not fond of that it. Firstly, there are plenty of amazing people that found someone else amazing and I don't see myself as better. Secondly, sure, I need a certain higher level of intellectual connection to be able to be truly attracted to someone, but I it's not like there are zero guys in the world that deserve someone awesome like me. I could probably even name a couple. Also, people's opinions on what I deserve may not take into account things I may value more than others, and that those people don't prioritize. Thirdly, even if it's true that I am "too good" for every single guy in existence right now, how is it fair that I should have to be alone? Caring about someone isn't about comparing what you offer versus what they do and needing to be relatively even. Caring is about enjoying someone's company and finding value in them as themselves. And I should get to experience loving someone for that person being a unique, lovable person. I will admit that I probably need to stop complaining and calling out being single so much. It's like when you're hella thirsty so all you can talk about is water. Because I really appreciate the kind words from friends, I just wish I could turn those kind words into a living, breathing boyfriend.

I do think I am doing a classic introvert thing where I am sitting and thinking about what worries me and planning for every contingency, instead of just taking it a step at a time and letting things happen (or not happen). I also learned it's easier to face and calm anxieties by identifying them, understanding the true source of them, and thinking through them. So here are all the worries I have around online dating that I can think of now off the top of my head:

1. It won't work - this is my last ditch effort. If this doesn't work, I have to accept the spinster life. That's not to say I am NOT open to getting dates IRL (if any offers came my way in person, all the better), but just that since that hasn't worked, it may never work, so I am running low on options. I guess I could do a mail order husband, or shell out too much money for a matchmaker of some kind. But idk if that’s my jam either.

2. It's going to take time away from other things - related to #1, don't want to lose time from the people and activities I care about to give time to bad men and still end up single months, years down the round. If I had some guarantee (like in a video game) that if I put in the effort and overcame the obstacles that I would get a man, then sure. But there's no guarantee. And it's not just taking time away but also the fear of things decaying from where they are now - that when dating fails I can't pick back up where things left off and I've permanently lost something special to me.

3. I am not strong enough to withstand the cruelty - I am afraid that despite the confidence and self-love I have, and the kindness and support of people I love, that I will not be strong enough to withstand the body shaming I expect to receive (on top of the normal sexist shit-show online dating can be for women). I know that any man who would be cruel to a stranger online is a trash person and not worth anyone listening to, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. 

4. I am going to miss out on someone great because of the data - being able to narrow people down based on a lot of data points is both tempting and frustrating. Because in real life people aren't just a collection of data points on various issues. If I think a guy is great and has all these positive qualities, I am likely to not have a problem with a trait or habit or whatever that is against my tastes, because this is a whole human being and people will never be 100% your preference on all things ever. But online, if any given data point is not the value I prefer, I am more inclined to say no because there's not enough to really latch onto to be able to say I could overlook that one data point over any other. Or I may rule someone out because they have a data point that is a hard no for me, but they could be that exception if seen wholistically. I just boggles my mind that it’s even possible for someone to go from a collection of data on a website to a future best friend and love. How I am supposed to know I made the right choices for such an important transition to such an important person?!

5. I am going to settle for a bad option - I don't know how realistic this would be, but it scares me hell of a lot. I worry that because the options will be so limited that I will take anyone who shows me attention. What if my desire to love someone and for me to meet the desired outcome of getting man, that I let that override everything else? It's tough because intellectually I think I have the knowledge I need to avoid it, but not enough practical experience. From my family and friendships I know what it feels like to be loved, supported, seen, valued, etc. etc., so I think I can translate that into a romantic relationship. And I have had experience as an adult being able to pick up on good traits and bad from early on that I can trust my perception. I know what I am looking for in a man, and I know what those different traits look like from just barely getting to know someone through knowing someone really well, so I'd like to think I would see reasons to bail before it got bad. But again, what I think I can do theoretically may not work out in practice.

Clearly I am probably over thinking this way too much and just need to do something. Because at the end of the day, I can go at whatever pace I want. I will say the one thing I see as a positive is it's much easier to know if a guy is interested. If a match happens, talking can happen. And if that goes well, a date happens. And after the date either you get another date or you never see them again - a clear indicator of whether they are interested or not. In real life I can't ever tell, and I don't expect anyone to be interest in me, so I probably have missed a lot of things. I need a very clear, direct indication someone is interested in me, and I think online dating will help with that. Obviously there is still games and nonsense that happens, but at least the intention of dating in some capacity it established upfront so that puts more on the table.

So that's that. The funny thing about my blogs is that if you just read these, and didn't know me in person, I probably seem WAY more down and sad than I actually am. I'm full of joy and laughter, I promise! It's just easier to express the joy and simple, happy thoughts in real life in the moment. It's the bigger, deeper, harder stuff that I need thinking and writing time for. So yeah, at the end of the day I don't know if I will find someone in 2022 and I don't know if there's man out there that wants to take on all of me, but I want it SO BAD and some guy could be in for something spectacularly wonderful if he would only take the chance. Wish me luck!