Who I Want to Be and Who I Want to Find

I am in the early weeks of what I realized needs to be a journey of rediscovering who I am. I see it as a three pronged approached - (1) continue to value and engage with the parts of me that have been consistently bringing me good things, (2) reconnect with part of me I lost or hid because other people made me feel like that things were bad, when really they are beautiful and part of who I am at my core, and (3) build up new parts of me that protect, honor, and enhance the parts of me that already exist. I remember back in 2019 when I was working through a long battle with a occurrence of anxiety, I really wanted to get back to who I was before the anxiety. And for a period during the post-pandemic world I was hoping to get back to me, both how I was feeling so great about my life in the 2nd half of 2019 and how I was earlier. But I realize now that I can't go back to those past version of me. I have to forge ahead and discover this new version, made from bits and pieces but also something new. And hopefully better.

I have spent a lot of time coping with and healing from trauma these last three and a half-ish years. It has been rough. The pandemic itself was a huge trauma, and it also created opportunities for other traumas that would have otherwise been easier to avoid had the world been "normal". Here's a thing about trauma that has really been irritating me through this journey - it doesn't all come up to be resolved at once. It's not like if I break a bone, or even a bunch of bones, and I can go to the doctor, get some x-rays, and then set out on a healing path. With traumas, whether they happened months ago or decades ago, memories will get triggered months or years later that give some new insights. Or we learn some new terminology that gives names to things that felt wrong but we didn't have the vocabulary or knowledge to understand why. It doesn't help that sometimes we will be made to feel like our hurting about things is wrong when it fact it was the thing that made us hurt that was wrong. Plus, we learn about the really big obvious bad things that are harmful to people, and we know that even when those things happen to others there are psychological things that happen that get people trapped in bad spaces. But we don't learn about the more subtle, more insidious ways that we can be hurt psychologically, or the behaviors that can be bad but be twisted into seeming normal or justified. 

A few weeks ago I had a reminder pop up in my YouTube suggestions of all places of coping behaviors that I developed in recent years. That reminder got me thinking about other things that led to me discovering other behaviors on mine were more coping behaviors. The thing that has really had me struggling recently with these discoveries is how much the coping behaviors are intertwined with traits of mine that I value a lot and think are really important parts of who I am. I consider myself an empath and someone who truly genuinely cares about people. There are so many amazing, interesting people out there and whether it's someone I know or a complete stranger, I find so much beauty in the different interactions I get to have with people. I also consider myself to be very perceptive when it comes to picking up on behaviors and personality traits that I feel I can get a better (if still partial) understanding of people than the average person. I think this is all a combination of how my brain naturally works (being empathic and the way it takes in information) and of the skills that I have developed through school, my career, and socially. 

Uncovering and healing from these coping mechanisms has me questioning whether these things about me that I value are genuine or if they are just coping mechanisms in themselves. What if I have only learned to care for and be so observant of people because I need to feel safe. What if I am not a good person after all, and just a surviving person. I have of course been fighting back mentally against this. Yes, there were times when I quieted myself and had power taken from me, and I told myself I was being supportive or it wasn't meant that way so I shouldn't make a big deal of it. Those are definite coping mechanisms that I used my skills to mask. But there are so many other times when I have exerted energy to care. And so many people that I put effort into caring for and showing up for that I don't have coping mechanisms with. I think that my biggest relief is knowing that with so many people I did not transfer over these coping mechanisms and was able to be my full self in spaces I felt safe. Yes, I did carry hurt and healing with me wherever I went, but I was still able to show up as the full me.

Going forward I want to continue to value and live these and so many other great things about myself feeling confident in who I am. I think that these skills are not coping mechanisms, they are just parts of me that can make me vulnerable to being misused. Not everyone shows up the same as me. I have to learn that just because I want to be open, vulnerable, and using empathy, that doesn't mean those I interact with can. Some people have not developed themselves enough to show up that way, some people are purely looking out for themselves, and others out right have bad intentions. It is up to me to gage whether I am being met in the same way instead of just assuming that I am. I learned that it is both okay that people have bad reactions from their trauma that need to be empathized with AND that past trauma does not excuse a pattern of current bad behavior. I learned that it's okay to be hurt by something that was not done with bad intentions. I learned that I can be supportive but I also need to stand up for myself. I learned that understanding and empathizing with people doesn't mean I have to accept all of their behavior that stems from that. I learned that if I have a problem with someone and they don't validate or accept my experience, I don't have to accept that - I can say I am valid and you are being unreasonable by not listening and I do not have to accept your solution or your behavior towards me.

Overall I learned that being empathetic and understanding are great qualities, but they are just two tools in the much larger toolbox of being a well rounded person. I have some really strong tools with connecting and appreciating others, and also some strong tools with taking an inner look at myself to improve. What I need now is to add tools to stand up for myself, to advocate for myself, to be brave enough to call things out. Because at the end of the day the people who truly value and care about you will call you out on things to help you and the relationship between the two of you, and NOT call you out on things to diminish and control you. Being able to take fair feedback shows you value people and you value self growth. Being able to give fair feedback means you value the other person and feel safe enough to share, and allows that other person either to show they value you by listening and that self growth is important to them, or to show that your energies are better elsewhere because they don't value you.

Honestly, part of me these last few weeks has been mad at myself for behaving in ways that hold me back and diminish me. And part of me has been mad at myself for ever letting me feel bad for being a caring person that takes others into account. I try my best with the information that I have, and now I have more information through therapy work and terminology that will mean the best I can do in the future is more informed than before. I am going to keep working at treasuring the things I like about myself, while keeping in mind that not every part is the right part in every scenario, and building up the parts of me that are right for the scenarios I struggle with. My mental health, and frankly my emotional safety and the way I am treated, those are not my fault but those are my responsibility. 

I would like to take a brief tangent to mention how all of my experiences with therapy and mental health make me feel very adamant that as a society we lack literacy in a bunch of this stuff. Maybe this is something taught in schools now, but I doubt it. There will should be more education for everyday people outside of going to therapy the teaches people how behaviors and words are helpful or hurtful so that we can learn how to interact in healthy ways and have this kind of vocabulary to talk about things.

Currently I am also on a dating journey to hopefully find my person. It has been hard being on a healing journey while trying to undertake a dating journey. I have taken lengthy breaks this year and last to focus on myself. Recently I have been asking myself am I really ready for a relationship. I came to the conclusion that yes, I am ready for a healthy relationship. Everyone is going to have things happen to them that make periods of their life hard, and I don't think there's really a time to be perfectly ready. I think there are times to be obviously not ready, but I think it really comes down to I am capable of doing what I need to be a good partner and can commit to working through things, even if I am still working through other things. I realized that what I don't feel ready for is protecting myself from someone unhealthy. I am still relatively newly aware of ways that I have given power to toxic behaviors. And I haven't had a lot of opportunities to put my learning about boundaries into play. I know that someone who is capable for being a healthy partner can help me feel safe to be open and vulnerable. But I am still worried that I won't be aware enough or I will make excuses for someone who does not want to or can't treat me well. But I am going to try not to worry about that so much and just take things a step at a time. I am putting hope and trust into myself to be better going forward, and can only prove that to myself if/when that time comes.

I have also been thinking about what I am looking for. I know what kind of traits I am looking for in a man - someone kind, good sense of humor, emotionally intelligent, some common interests. But I realized I had not spend really any time in the past thinking about what I am looking for in a relationship. I know that in the past my focus as really been on what I have to offer. I feel like I would be a great partner that has a lot of love to give and really wants to love someone. With this quest for a man I have been focused a lot more on what I want to get instead of what I have to give. 

I don't want to say I have been thinking about "what I deserve" in a relationship. I think that sounds kind of selfish and arrogant. Rather, I think of it as asking myself what I need from a relationship that will make me feel I am having my needs met. And obviously I want to avoid trauma - I've been traumatized by family, friends and coworkers - I don't want to add romantic partner to that list (which would make me lucky, unfortunately, compared to most). Here's what I came up with:

• Feeling Understood - I know that I have strength in understanding people, but I have not always felt understood in return. I need someone that is both capable and desires to understand me. I think about my BFF who has shown me this many times. I love the way that they ask me things because they were wondering how I would feel about them and truly wanted to know. They put effort into getting to know me, even after all these years, and I hope I still do the same. They also have shown me they know me in ways and times that helped me feel good about myself when I was lost. I think that the people close to us have this great opportunity to know us free of the self doubts and fears we carry around. I also remember a coworker that early in our friendship made some observation about me that was really off, but then as we got to know each other they showed they learned me and their observations about me were very accurate. I also really need someone who can and will understand me outside of their own view point to see me from mine. Not everyone thinks the same and has the same values or worldviews, and being able to see me through my lens is helpful. Or maybe I just need someone in similar views so they don't have to try so hard. I remember this time I told someone that I see myself aligned with Lawful Good (although I admit I know very, very little of DND). In response this person just said that all people are inherently selfish and no one can be more than neutral on the good/bad scale. Not only did I feel like this is a very different world view than me (I believe in an inherent goodness in people), but it also felt very invalidating of me as a person. To me, being kind and loving are so important not just to how I interact with the world, but how I think the world thrives in general. (I am also a "follow the rules unless they are unjust/bad" kind of person - basically I put goodness before lawfulness, but don't be unlawful just because you don't like rules or they are inconvenient.)
• Safety - I don't think a few years ago I would even think about this. But some therapy work I have done this year made me realize the importance of physical, mental and emotional safety. I learned that at many times in my life I have learned and had reiterated the bad lesson that I can't express a boundary or something that bothers me because people won't validate me, and instead it lets them know a weakness they can exploit. But I need that safety. Whether it's the safety to express a difference of opinion on something random and unimportant, or safety to draw an important boundary. I need to know that even if there's a disagreement or it's hard, I am still safe.
• Communication - duh. I know that there are places I still struggle with this, but I know that I am way more open and vulnerable than I have ever been, I am always looking for ways to improve, and even when I falter I at least show up to try and try again.
• Want to be Wanted - I am looking for someone who is going to make it very clear on a regular basis that they choose me. Maybe their face lights up when I walk into the room. Maybe they send me random messages or memes to let me know I was on their mind. I want someone that tells me regularly that being with me makes them happy. I want someone who makes it clear they see me in their life for the indefinite future and wants to do what needs to be done to keep me there. I am on the internet way too much and hearing horror stories of guys that string women along but are never really interesting. And all these terms - bread crumbing, keeping someone on the hook, others I am sure - the fact they happen so often with such definable behaviors, it's just gross.
• Best Friend - I really am looking for my new best friend. And yes I know that takes time, and I will probably naturally and naturely be inclined to move kind of slow, but I am ready to take that time down that path. This will literally become the person I choose to spend the most time with. I want things to not only be loving and sexy and romantic, I also want all the best friend stuff too - enjoying doing stuff together, sharing funny things, goofing around, just chilling. When I am not having a rough time, I am a really fun, silly person with lots of interests and random things to say. I want someone who wants all of that. I want someone to have dance parties in the kitchen with. I want someone to excitedly explain all my songs to while riding in the car with my iPod on random. I love video games, so like there's no risk of some girlfriend who complains about how much gaming time a guy has.

I know that at the end of the day, I really need to keep in mind both what I have to offer AND what I need to feel my needs are met. A relationship is about two people. I can't find a healthy relationship if I neglect either or let my future partner neglect either. It can be too easy that if you focus just on yourself or just on your partner that there becomes an imbalance where one person gets what they want at the expense of the other, whether intentionally or not. And knowing that I am more predisposed to be walked on than the other way, it is important to me to bring my needs into the conversation. I just can't overcorrect.

2024 will be an interesting year. I really am hoping it is a year for more growth and joy, and new things. But I also know that I have gone into years with positive hopes just for those year to suck ass in new and stupid ways. So I will just keep it as interesting. No matter what happens, I will keep working and keep trying. Someone told me recently that we shouldn't focus on being our best self, but rather our favorite self. I like this a lot too. I have had to abandoned many favorite selves in the past, and I am DEFINITELY not my favorite self now. But I am working on it. She's in here and she is going to be amazing!