I've been wanting to write for quite awhile, but I kept getting stuck on what to share and what angle to approach it from. But then I said something to my therapist the other day that finally gave me a direction. I've been feeling like I've been left behind. All these great people in my life are out accomplishing these cool things and I'm not doing anything because I've been working through stuff. But then she reminded me that working through trauma in therapy is a lot of work and I have been doing a lot of really great work in the several months we've been working together. To which I replied that's true, but therapy work isn't really fun to talk about.
People spend time in conversations going into different levels of details about what they've been up to and working on. It's kind of a downer to be like "here's the trauma I have been processing in therapy! It's been really hard!" So it feels like I'm not doing anything because I don't have anything tangible to show for it and I don't want to ruin the fun of events. So I figured why not in more or less detail "brag" here in my blog about it. And then people can engage with it here if they want. Or not. Just getting it out of my head helps.
I wake up every day anxious and angry. Thankfully I am at a point where I wake up fine and then my brain reminds me that I'm anxious and angry. Previously I would already be anxious and angry while asleep, and it would wake me up. I love those few blissful moments in the morning before my brain remembers that it's not okay. I've had these trends of anxiety and anger on and off for a little over two years now. These phase come and go, so hopefully this one will end soon too. These phases all started the 1st week of July 2022, the day after one particular therapy appointment. I logged into the appointment with a laundry list of things from the past to bring up - usually I focused on how I was doing in the present week. My intention going in was just "look at the b.s. I've had to put up with." I enter with a "let's shit talk", righteous, "OMG, I'm so put upon" kind of attitude.
But it turns out that every story I told my therapist is that session was an example of emotional abuse. Story after story got labelled as something, without fail. Finding that out was heavy. The knowledge sat in my brain like a thousand pound weight. The truth that I was abused is still hard to carry. Sometimes it still hits me like a truck or a strong wave. Sometimes I melt into tears, or shake with anxiety, or get really fucking angry. And over the next nine months I uncovered abuse from multiple people in my life from start to that present time. And there were also people that were just jerks that didn't quite make it to psychological damage levels even though they treated me poorly.
It's still hard to wrap my brain around it sometimes. Because I think when most people think of abuse, they think of being attacked or yelled at in anger. Being belittled in a very obvious and harsh way. But I've learned these last two year that a lot of abuse can be more covert. There are behavior patterns and types of people we all know and tolerate that are technically abusive. Everyone knows someone who's too critical, or teases someone too much, or invalidates feelings or violates boundaries. Behaviors that we may all do at some point can become patterns of abuse for some people that take it too far and don't mind their behavior. I think it amazing, and horribly so, that a fair amount of us are walking around with experiences that were abuse and no one ever named it as such because it wasn't "that bad" and we were just used to it.
For most of my experiences I didn't even know I was being abused or mistreated. Like some of my childhood experiences I still carried around and they bothered me, and some of them I could point to as reasons why I had unhealthy behaviors. But there were other people who it took me a long time of bad treatment to see the harmful behavior. And I've experienced behaviors that I didn't even realize were abusive until I rattled them off nonchalantly to my therapist.
If someone told you that a parent touched their child in a way that made their child scream and cry that they didn't like to be touch like that and begged their parent to stop everyone time the parent did it, you would say "yes, that's abuse". It doesn't matter that the parent wasn't touching an inappropriate space. It doesn't matter that it wasn't out of anger, but rather humor because the parent thought it was funny they could get a rise out of their child. What matters is the touching made the child uncomfortable, it made the child get emotionally upset, it made the child hypervigilant in a space that should be safe, and it made the child not trust others to respect their boundaries. And if your child tells you something makes them afraid, so you keep doing it because you like to scare your child, that's not funny. That's abuse.
And I find it sometimes hard to think my father abused me, knowing that he had a violent alcohol father who really abused his family. So comparing the situations is odd. But also fuck comparing. Because everyone who experiences trauma deserves to be heard and healed. Yes, some people have been through worse things, and maybe don't go to them with your stuff if they don't have the capacity. But everyone's hurt is valid. If something hurts a lot or a little, it still hurts! I can hold space for both my father did better than what he was raised in and I am grateful for that, and also my father abused me in ways that have negatively impacted my life. People can both be doing the best they can with what they have and also not be doing good enough for someone.
I also grew up with a grandmother who was constantly comparing me to one of my classmates, and occasionally my cousin who's close in age. It sucked being regularly compared to someone who was always doing better than you. And as a kid, I didn't know that my classmate was getting worse pressure at home. I just knew she was always better than me and I was always getting asked why I wasn't doing the things she was. I think to watching Inside Out 2 recently and how they showed a visual of the main character's core beliefs. I am sure there's a core belief in my brain someone that reads "I'm not good enough" because I was made to feel that way. There was always someone doing things I wasn't that were impressive, and I never seemed to be doing enough things or the right things. Who cares if I wanted to do theater instead of debate because it made me happy - I wasn't doing what my classmate was doing and there was no valid reason for that.
Getting older I learned my grandmother wanted to be a career woman and not have a family. She had children in a time where her employer was within their rights to fire her for getting pregnant. So I can understand wanting your talented, intelligent granddaughter to have the success and opportunities you were denied because of bullshit times. But I find it fucked up that she would go brag to all her friends about all the great things I was doing and how wonderful I was, but to me it was always about what I was lacking and not doing.
I realize as an adult that I have probably always been hypersensitive and probably always been prone to anxiety. Hypersensitive people (or HSPs) are more sensitive to stimuli, so we are more sensitive to both sensory stimuli and emotional stimuli. So bright lights and loud sounds are more intense for me, as are my emotions. I don't know if there's a corollary between being an HSP and having anxiety, but there is FOR SURE a higher likelihood of anxiety and other mental health issues with people of high IQs, and I've always been gifted. What a gift! (*sarcasm font*)
Turns out, this sensitive child with possible anxiety cried a lot! Like I mean A LOT! I cry a lot now too. I see this as reconnecting with my inner child. ;) And unfortunately we can all attest that being an adult doesn't make people suck less. And in the 1990s, there was far less child psychology going on. So it's not hard to imagine that I grew up in school surrounded by a lot of adults who made me feel wrong for crying. Instead of helping me learn to process and articulate the feelings that I had underneath, the general adult population in my life hammered in the message that crying was bad and whatever I was going through didn't matter because I was being a bother.
So you can imagine the behavioral patterns and identity that came out of these times. Out into the world walked a young adult to who believed (1) don't ever tell people something bothers you because they won't respect your boundaries and it'll probably just make things worse, (2) you are never good enough despite all your achievements, and (3) no one cares about your emotions. Needless to say, I was someone who just kept everything inside because I felt like people only cared about the things I achieved and if I was struggling with anything, keep it to myself and push it down so I could just power through.
These last two years are not the first time in my life I've done any self improvement. I went through a very introspective self-awareness journey when I started law school in my mid-20s that I have continued up until today. I learned a lot about myself. I did already uncovered during this period that I was closed off and had a hard time being vulnerable with people. So during this time I began to work really hard on changing that and still do. I developed some amazing friendships in law school, some of which I still have and are my closest, most open friendships. I developed these because I intentionally let people in. I told myself that I didn't have to completely self-reliant and that I could show vulnerability and weakness. People aren't going to hate me if I wasn't perfect or make me feel bad about myself for struggling. I wasn't as go with the flow, chill as I appeared on the outside. I could let my interior out.
In my post-law school adult years I learned the importance of picking friendships intentionally. Being open and vulnerable is great, but only with the right people. When we're in school we tend to just become friends with whomever we get throw in with. And sometimes we find ourselves years later with friends that don't mesh with us or are outright harmful because we got close before we were even at an age to consider the compatibility and healthiness of a friendship. And since from childhood many of us are stuck with bad relatives, we haven't learned yet we can just walk away from unhealthy people and instead learn to tolerate bad behavior.
What I have learned in these last two years though has shown me that while I did a TON of work in the preceding decade of my life, I didn't fully dive into and clean out those toxic lessons from my childhood that I mentioned above. Some of the things I worked on dipped their toes into some of those traumas and bad patterns. But nothing before now really shone a light on them and really cleaned out the wounds. And because of that I had more blind spots that made me susceptible to harm by people who triggered those patterns.
I find it interesting that the most acutely persistently traumatic and mentally disastrous time for me because of a specific person is also the one with the least long-term damage. I attribute that to being the only example of emotional abuse that I experienced from someone I didn't love. I had a co-worker who may be the only person I've known that I would confidently gamble money on as being a narcissist. The way she treated people on the job sounded just like examples of behaviors that I later learned were narcissistic abuse. But since this was somebody I was never closed to, and I disliked and distrusted pretty early on, it was really easy to just say they were a horrible person and treated me poorly because they were bad. There was no conflicting emotions. I wasn't questioning that maybe I was wrong or broken somehow, and deserved the mistreatment. There was no betrayal of trust or love, no "I've shown you the best and most sacred parts of me and you broke them" sort of situation. Since there was always a wall and it was always a battle, the more vulnerable parts stayed safe. So it's really easy to just be "well that's been over for a long time and her just being gone is enough for me!"
The big problem comes from being a very empathetic person who didn't know how to stand up for herself. I care a lot for people and can put myself in their shoes, so when they may do something that may hurt, I will more likely tend to look at what hurt they have. And as someone who learned as a child not to speak up because it doesn't help and that my feelings don't matter, I am more likely to downplay something hurtful. I read something online that really resonated with me - something to the effect of I was so quick to make excuses for poor behavior that I didn't make room for my feelings. So when someone said or did something hurtful I was really quick to think "they didn't mean it that way," or "this isn't that big of a thing, so I shouldn't make a big deal out of it," or "they are only that way because of xyz stressor or trauma, so I'm being supportive by making this a safe space."
I problem is with those few people is that they didn't make the space safe for me. And the worse someone had been hurt, the more empathetic I was, and the more hurtful they were and the more I made excuses for them. And it was so hard because I didn't consciously understand that I was being mistreated. So I kept giving and being a good friend. In most cases I found myself pulling away in bits and pieces from the hurtful person without realizing it. Like I would stop sharing vulnerable things or stop seeking out 1 on 1 time. And eventually it got to the point where I was like "oh, there's a pattern of unkind behavior and me reacting to it; I'm done." The worst time I didn't see it until I was out. I kept approaching things as I'm being a caring, supportive friend, thinking I'm getting the same in return. And I didn't even realize all of the ways I quieted myself, minimized myself, walked on egg shells, made so many excuses. Because I learned that behaviors that are harmful and abusive can begin as trauma responses. When someone was regularly telling me my opinions were wrong; or criticizing random, innocuous things I did or liked; or having disproportionately negative responses to mundane things, I took responsiblity by feeling I'm being supportive by not triggering these responses and by not pushing back because it felt unkind when someone was triggered, not understanding that these behaviors were pushing me down, making me feel unsafe. These behaviors I realize now were also reinforcing those childhood patterns of it's not safe to push back because when I do, I get another negative response in return. So not only am I not being supportive by pushing back on unkind behavior, but now I'm also getting inappropriately chastised for it.
I also realized that I learned to take a lot of responsibility for things I shouldn't. I feel like where some people's response to trauma is to try to control their outward surroundings, I tried to really control my internal environment and my behavior. Every situation that went wrong for me I was always asking what I could do better next time; what lesson can I learn from this to improve myself. I had this list of examples of situations in my head where things went wrong and I had to become better to prevent these situations from happening again. But then I learned in therapy in the last two years that most of these examples I carreid around in my head of me being bad at hard conversations were with people who were not kind. These were situations where people didn't want to take accountability, or wanted to bully me, or used manipulative, hurtful tactics against me. When I expanded my mind to other types of people, I remember other examples of addressing hard conversations and speaking up for myself where things went well. I felt validated. We were able to talk things out, or come up with solutions. Because these people cared enough about me to validate my feelings and take accountability where needed, or at the very least realized that working together was more beneficial than being selfish. And in fact I do have good skills working through things with people; I just need people to meet me there.
Dealing with these kinds of behaviors really had me questioning my core beliefs about myself (the positive ones). I consider myself pretty smart, but I remember times where the way I was treated had me questioning that. And I consider myself a pretty moral and caring person. My best friend has said I have the most due north moral compass of anyone they've ever met. And yet, being treated certain ways made me question that maybe I'm not a good person. I asked myself how much of my personality is actually me and how much could be coping behaviors. Am I really empathetic or am I just hyper-vigilantly monitoring people's behavior as a safety mechanism? It took some work to separate those things out. I did develop coping skills that involved picking up on other people's behaviors. But I think I am an empathetic person who really cares. I've just been able to turn skills developed in bad times into a better use. I don't have to care; others don't. But I chose to bring kindness and awareness to people, partly because I know what it's like to go without. It's the same with my emotional control. That came from a bad place, but I can use it for good, and I've been learning to ease up.
One of my former friends that I worked through stuff about doing all this mental clean up work recently died (on my birthday no less!). It was really hard. Like, really hard. After learning about my childhood patterns, I wondered that if I had healed them sooner, and if I had learned to stand up for myself sooner, could I have told her sooner that her behavior was hurtful, and helped mend her and the friendship before it got to the point I had to end it? Best case scenario, I called out the behavior sooner and she could take accountability and heal. Worst case scenario, she prove incapable of that and I would have ended the friendship sooner. But instead because I didn't even realize that I was being hurt until it really piled up, I ended our friendship when I realized the pattern.
But even after that I still hoped she healed and one day was happier. And through the grapevine, it sounded like that happened. For years I had hope that one day we'd run into each other again and I could tell her that I still always cared, and was glad to see her happy. But that never happened. We didn't hang with mutual friends or had any events to run into each other. And now that never will happen. I thought about reaching out multiple times over the years, but didn't see the point. Since I was the one that ended the friendship, and we were never in the same place, I felt it kindest to just leave her be. I didn't know if hearing from me would have been a pleasure or a pain, so I didn't want to stir anything up. And I didn't need any closure. Being able to confront her in detail about everything was enough for me. And since I had already emotionally distanced myself while we were still friends, I wasn't missing anything. I just thought it would be a nice moment to acknowledge I still cared and to see someone who was hurting now be in a better place. Literally every person I've been close to, I still care about them, no matter how they left my day to day life, good or bad.
Still having empathy and care for the people who I've been healing wounds from makes it harder, but I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't be me if I did. I recognize that everyone I've worked through in therapy (with the exception of that co-worker I gave zero Fs about) had their own issues. For those who still have the time and capacity to heal, I want that for them. But I also have acceptance that healing isn't going to happen for everyone. Distance doesn't mean hatred, it just means I have to protect my healing from damaging wounds.
Making space for my emotions is a big thing for me now. I think this is the first time in my life where I have let myself feel 100% of my emotions. It's a lot for someone who is highly sensitive. Not only am I feeling present emotions in the moment, but I am also going back to past hurts and feeling those feelings. It's interesting finding feelings that I was too afraid to feel or too busy to pause for. I am amazed sometimes at how badly some of them hurt and how they didn't knock me over at the time. They hurt so bad sometimes now. Maybe that's because they were left to fester so long.
Some days it's gets to be A LOT. If I don't sleep, or I'm dealing with too many triggers, or something trauma related happens, I can get easily overwhelmed at times. Basically I opened every mental wound from my entire life of at that point 38 years in the matter of 9 months. Sometimes it feels like that was too much too fast. It feels like every wound, while cleaned out, is still raw and easily irritated - the newer ones worst off than the older ones. Thankfully overall I feel much better than I did from before this all started. I've learned a lot and already shown myself I can put the learning into action. But it's really hard sometimes.
I am also working on speaking up for myself more. That comes from a place of acknowledging my emotions in the moment when I have them (as best as I can), and then speaking up for them. It's hard. But it's also amazing how good it feels when done with the right people. I've had a few instances that were hard in the moment, but make me feel so proud. By bringing up things that make me uncomfortable or hurt me, I am showing the other person that I trust them enough to be vulnerable. It's not coming from a place of wanting to tear them down or argue. It's coming from a place of I want the bond between us to be stronger and I want to feel safe to speak about these things so no resentment or fear grows between us. Being able to speak up and having someone validate that (and apologize if needed) feels so great! I find I trust these friends more because they showed me it's safe to be vulnerable even in tough moments. And being able to talk it out lets us both open up and become stronger. I've been through a "I'm going to be vulnerable and put so much trust in someone" moment, only to have it go about as wrong as it could. But thankfully it happened after years and years of self-work. So instead of learning "this is why you don't trust people" I learned "this is why you don't trust this specific person" and then learned the behaviors that signal an unsafe person in the future.
I know I still have work to do on combating those negative core beliefs about myself. It's hard that when I get stressed or too tired, and I'm feeling bad, my brain likes to slip into "you suck" mode. I find this challenge hard, maybe because one of the people most vocal to me about not treating myself that way was also someone I turned out to be the most scared of, so I question if they actually cared about me and how I spoke to myself, or selfishly they just didn't want to deal with me. I know that after learning all of these things about my past, I sometimes slip into the thought pattern of "if these people who were important to me could do these to me, maybe there is something wrong with me." Sometimes I do question that maybe I don't have any inherent worth, so my only value is what I can do for people. So of course I'm not good enough when I'm not accomplishing what people want or I'm not providing a service to people. Of course I shouldn't have needs and wants because I'm only here to be of use to others. Of course people use me because otherwise why even invest time in me? I know those things aren't true. But our brains have a tricky way of latching onto the bad things.
When I initially uncovered things in therapy, since I was already there, I felt like "well, I guess this is a thing and now I have to deal with this too." But I realized about a year in that actually I didn't have to address anything. I could have left that session feeling too heavy and it too hurt and angry, and just quit. I could have gone into denial. I could have said "it is what it is" and just left it alone. But I didn't. I saw for me the only options was to roll up my sleeves and dig in. And damn it am I proud for that!!
Thankfully, not everything I have learned in therapy is hard and about bad stuff! I learned a lot about recognizing the positive behaviors I receive too! I've done a lot of work to compare hurtful people to those who make me feel seen and safe, so I can really appreciate and gravitate towards them. And thankfully all throughout my life I have had so many people who care about me and made me feel safe, so they far outweigh the bad. Growing up with a great mom and an extended family that was so loving did so much to make sure I grew up more well adjusted than I could have been. And I keep finding so many wonderful friends. The world really is full of great, kind people! And healing is always an option! So few people are really beyond help and beyond kindness, they just need to go on their own journey. As much as these last 2ish years have been really hard, and I've cried A LOT!, I'm taking my power back into my own hands. I can feel confident being happy and healthier, and safer, because I have learned so much and I am healing the parts of me that get in the way. The journey is still not over, but damn look how far I've come!
No comments:
Post a Comment