Let's start with work, because that's a big part of my life. If you remember from the last blog (which I doubt b/c other than my BFF, who even reads these, right? just kidding if you read these and aren't my BFF, I love you for reading my blog, PLEASE DON'T STOP!!), I may have hinted to stuff that happened early February when I wrote it, but kept facts to Jan to not ruin the peppy vibe! Well, February started with a bang! And by bang, I mean a super painful, rough reorg! I've now survived 4-6 reorgs in my 5 years. This one may have been the 2nd most rough.
I've noticed that company reorganizations are a lot like natural disasters. It starts where maybe you feel like something's happening somewhere you cannot see, but you can definitely feel it. But when it finally happens it hit hard and fast. Everyone is disorientated. People immediately check to see if they are in danger. Some people are just in shock while others try to reassure those around them even if they think they aren't safe. Then rumors start to fly as people are all "did you hear about so and so? Did you see this, that, or the other thing?" And once the dust starts to settle, people reach out over email, text, IM to say they are okay. And you start to hear about people that didn't make it. Then once all of the damage is done and it's over, people get together to reassure those who survived and talk through what happened. With typing this, it can sound pretty insensitive about real disasters, as those are REALLY bad. But that just makes me think maybe there's something to be done to make sure people are NOT super traumatized by something as 1st-wordly as company reorgs. But to also be fair, people's biological lives aren't at stake, but their personal and professional could be. So I'll just go with my metaphor because whatever.
I am in an interesting place right now with work. I've worked for years to get skills around Change Management because that's what I've learn I am passionate about. And after the recovery from the reorg, and being sad about losing a particularly wonderful and amazing grand-boss, I know that things are better than they were. And I finally got my Change Management Certification and training! I was a little worried going, because I had wanted to do it for so long I worried I would be disappointed. But it was even better than I hoped! Such a rewarding experience! The difficulty is now I don't feel like my role is where I want it to be, now that I have it. On the one hand, I am very excited and feel blessed to have worked so hard to get somewhere and people saw that and are finally letting me do that. On the other hand, I feel like there is still so much I need to incorporate into my roll that I feel overwhelmed because I am already too busy doing what needs to get done to add more. But then on the third hand, people don't fully know what Change Management means, so in my coworker's minds I'm doing great and a lot of stuff! But then again on yet another hand, I am not going to development my full set of skills if I don't introduce and use those skills I learned. And I am sure there are other points that I worry about too, and suddenly I have 5-6 different hands to consider and I don't have that many hands!!! Plus there's the part of me that knows two years ago I went from a really rough situation into a situation that was rough in completely different ways. So while I am super happy for where the team is now and the future looks much brighter, I cannot help but worry that I've been battered too much for too long to recover. I see psychological damage in places and people from all the rough stuff in these last 5 years, and I cannot help think that maybe I have too much baggage too. But being one not to give up, as long as I see myself still contributing positively, people still see value in what I do, and I feel like I can continue to grow, I'm going to give it my 100% best on the outside (even if on the inside sometimes I'm dragging or hella unsure).
And now it's a little after midnight July 7th and I'm returning to this post because I don't start over, mostly b/c I am too lazy and it's after midnight.
Let's talk about fun stuff! If only for a little bit. It's been a good year for going to concerts! Let's break down the shows I've seen so far:
January - I saw Silverstein again. Such a great band! So glad they played the song below - it's from their most recent album, which is very excellent!
March - I finally got to see A Day to Remember! They put on such a great show! As for the opening bands, I skipped The Devil Wears Prada b/c I don't care. Falling in Reverse was pretty good. I did not know Ronnie Radke is now RIPPED!! Like as a person he seems like a really arrogant douche bag, but he's so pretty and now super jacked, so that's hot. Papa Roach also opened for ADTR. Pretty sure Papa Roach should have stopped making music a LONG time ago - they did NOT age well.
April - I finally got to see In This Moment. They also put on a spectacular show. It's an interesting visual because the band guys are really dirty, scary looking metal dudes, whereas the lead singer is this hot blonde with very Lady Gaga like costumes with many wardrobe changes. And their music is soooo good! The only down side was this hella drunk as old lady who wouldn't stop dancing all over the place and almost hitting me in the face. Whatever. My pictures are all pretty bad, as the show sold out and I couldn't get a good view. But they played this newer song I really like!
June 2nd - I saw Maroon 5! Great show! And it was nice to be able to sit in seats and watch a show, instead of having to crowd w/ a bunch of people and wear their swear.
June 23rd - I went to the final year of Warped Tour and wore a lot of my own sweat! Thanks Mountain View for having some of the hottest temps for the area on that day. But I had a lot of fun, despite the heat. The best part of starting and ending the day by seeing two bands I like that I haven't seen before, Ice Nine Kills and State Champs, respectively. I also saw Issues and Crown the Empire again. Sadly CtE just doesn't put on as good a show since losing their unclean vocalist. I also watched a few other random bands simply because they were playing on stages where shade was available. I didn't stay to see All Time Low because they were last, I needed to get home at a decent hour, and I just saw them last year. Plus I may see them again later this year with Dashboard Confessional - still thinking about it.
INK has a new song too! And a new album later this year. Score!
Later this year - I also bought tickets to see The Front Bottoms later this year in Sac, which I am SUPER stoked about b/c they are AMAZING!!
What else have I been up to in the last few months? Let me bullet point some random activities before I get back to the melodrama! Oh, and just assume that I am leaving out a LOT of Pokemon Go playing, for your protection.
- February:
- I visited family in Arizona. Oddly enough, it rained most of the time.
- I saw Jersey Boys at the Sac Broadway. I did not realize the Four Seasons were the criminal types. And the swearing! Hahahaha.
- I went to the dentist a couple times. Thrilling, I know!
- March:
- For my trip to see A Day to Remember, I took the day off and spent the rest of the day in The City. I even made it to the wharf between rain storms!
- We had a really fun All Hands were Escape Sacramento came and did this team building activity with logic puzzle and competition! I may have done some things I am not proud of in the name of winning. But don't give me your puzzle paper if you don't expect to pay to get it back later. Muahahahaha! #NoRegrets.
- I finished my 3rd improv class.
- April:
- I went to Improv auditions. That was fun but scary. Luckily everyone was super nice. And I went in the first earlier group so I didn't have to worry all day. Although I really should have gone home after the post-auditions Mewtwo Ex Raid, for reasons I may or may not get into below.
- I went to my Prosci Change Management training in Aptos. SOOOOO AMAZING!! And I got a lot of free books! I LOVE BOOKS!!!
- May:
- I heard back that I made improv auditions, and started doing weekly Wednesday Harold Night! YAY!
- We had a fun 2-day All Hands in The City. It was pretty great. We did a Brazilian barbecue. OMG! You just sit at your table and they bring around all kinds of meat! SO MUCH MEAT! That first night we then went and sang karaoke, because when 2 different directors tell you they heard a rumor you were going to sing karaoke for everyone, you kind of have to do it, even if it was a surprise to you. Life lesson - it's harder to sing after eating a bunch of meat.
- I volunteered at the Puentes community garden in Stockton as part of a work community service event. We planted trees! It was a lot of fun!
- Our team said goodbye to two amazing coworkers, who are already on to bright things! But we sent them off in style by going to an escape room. We literally had seconds to go when we escaped! It was a team effort, but I will take credit for sweeping through the 3rd and final room in the last 10 minutes. Good thing I know poker and math!! :^)
- June:
- One of my fav people had a baby shower!! I cannot wait to meet her baby!!
- I had a birthday! We did an escape room! Sadly we solved the last puzzle seconds after the time ran out. But at least we got to solve all the puzzles. We did the Seance Room at Escape Sacramento. The ambiance was hella creepy, which I loved! I cannot wait for the next one!
- My mom and I had our first show for our Music Circus season tickets - Singing in the Rain. It was really good - they literally made it rain in doors! Too bad the lead actor was just an okay dancer, especially with the what seemed like 2 hour dance sequence at the end.
- My little brother and his wife visited, so I got to spend quality time with them.
- I watched a lot of the Bachelorette with my BFF, because sometimes you need wine, nail polish, and girl time.
And here we are again at July!! Fun times! Well, actually, sometimes but not always. Admittedly the last few months have been interesting. It's funny - sometime in early/mid May I had this moment where I really felt contented about my life, which doesn't really happen a lot since I am really a future focused person, not a present focused one. And in that moment I refused to think about the other shoe dropping. I don't really think that happened, but I do find it funny how not long after that I actually entered into a period of really high anxiety. I think the tipping point was learning that my roommate was going to move out of state in July, so I had 3 months of stressing about what the future looks like. Luckily with 3 weeks to go, everything is fine now - I have a roommate figured out and an apartment on hold. But right at the beginning there was a lot of stress because I've been paying down my student loans, and I cannot continue that and live by myself. And if I stop the extra payments now, I will eventually lose the momentum I've gained. So that definitely weighed on me. You should see the spreadsheet I have will all the numbers! Because of course there's a spreadsheet.
And more than that I've just been stressed about life in general. Like there's work, as described above, which is positive, but always crazy because we seem to thrive on the crazy there. And I say that with love. Plus, all the drama with the world and the country has really worn me down. I definitely spiraled down this hole of is there any good in the world, and does anything mean anything, and are people really just terrible all the time. I don't believe that, even when bad people make bad use of good institutions. I just think that the goodness in the world a lot of the time happens at the local level, which doesn't make headlines. And at least a lot of the badness is bringing out equal or greater goodness in others (or at least I think so). I have just learned to detached when I need to do so.
I also have been having some stress about where is my life heading. A number of months ago I told myself that it's very likely I will be single forever, and one day I will have to embrace that fact. But at that time I told myself I can make life decisions agnostic to whether or not I end up married with kids, so I don't have to live that fact yet. But a couple months ago occurrences happened that made me think I should embrace that fact. Except for I learned that actively telling yourself you will never find true love and maybe not ever have kids, while also going through all the other stress above, maybe isn't the best thing, especially as I am a hopeless romantic. People I know don't think this is true, and probably don't believe that I really think this. I truly don't know, although lately I do wish that I could just stop being attracted to guys because that would make the being alone forever thing easier. Because hypothetically it's hard when say you randomly meet some guy and think "oooh he's cute" and think you'll never see him again, but he randomly pops up, but not in a "there's oppurtunity to casually chat" sort of way, and you want to ask around but you don't want that out there b/c no one is ever going to be interested anyway, so why bother.
Plus, I am engaging in new activities, and it's really hard when you're an introvert and you try new group things, and it's like suddenly "here are your 30+ new friends". Because I really like people, and I am social, but I am also REALLY introverted. So I tend to get to know people 1 on 1, and slower than say an extrovert. So the more new people around, the more awkward and uncomfortable I feel. And I want people to like me! I don't need EVERYONE to like me, just enough people to feel like I'm not some loner loser that no one likes. Plus, I am still really new to new things, so I want to ask around to make sure I'm not bringing everyone down. But I'm not comfortable with that either. So I just sit around alone, worried that I suck at everything, because that's better than being annoying, especially if I don't actually suck because no one wants to be THAT person who whines about being bad at things they are not bad at. I also fully recognize that I have a lot of stress right now so I may be just overwhelmed and nothing is really wrong. But if it is, there's always the going away and never talking to people again option, which is also calming.
I am finally back to actually being able to sleep. Because in late May/early June when I was at the apex of feeling overwhelmed, I couldn't sleep because I would lie awake at night getting anxious over nightmare scenarios about any- and everything. And even after I was able to stop thinking about things that made me anxious, I still got anxious just getting into bed because I was anxious that I was going to think about things that made me anxious. And then I was just anxious about getting anxious, so I couldn't sleep. Seriously, it is the stupidest thing ever. Luckily I am ALMOST done with that. *knocks on wood* Now I am in the stage where I don't want to get out of bed because I am finally feeling like I am catching up on over a month's worth of bad sleep. Aren't you glad you read this far? Really, you should have stopped at the music videos.
Oddly enough, I find editing my giant book about depression is a great way to distract myself from thinking about things that make me anxious. I am actually 1/3 of the way through editing, which is a huge surprise because first I didn't think I would actually finish writing it in the first place. And then after not looking at it for a year, I was pretty convinced it would sit in my computer forever to be seen no more. I think since I am not a real writer, the editing is actually kind of fun. I am sure it's only fun because I don't have any deadlines, and since no one is going to read it, I could be making terrible edits and no one can tell me it sucks! Hahaha!! The problem though is that I can't stop telling people I wrote a book, so more people think I should get it published. And it's not that I don't want to do that, it's just that right now in my life I am not sure I am the most confident about anything, so I don't really want to be disappointed. It also doesn't help that recently I had a dream that my BFF confessed she really didn't like it. I don't think that's true, because we have a solid relationship of tactful honesty, and that really wasn't the type of dream I have that comes true. But still. Did you read about all the stress above?
Well, that concludes this really long blog post. If you made it this far, I feel it would not be unreasonable for you to request some kind of baked good or coffee as compensation for your time. Too bad all you get is my appreciation. At least I can end this with an honest assessment that I think things are on the uptick, and I've been only feeling better these last couple of weeks. Having a living plan for post July helps! Of course, if I find out that everyone does hate me, I'm curious to see what the next blog will bring! Just kidding! It'll be fine!
Oh shit! I realized I alluded to something in the bullets I never explained. Ok, going to try to make this quick. After improv additions, I played some Pokemon Go, despite being really mentally and socially exhausted. One of the regular players asked me for my number, and being exhausted and clueless to these things, I gave it to him. We texted a couple times, which were painful because we really couldn't find anything to converse about. I am pretty sure he was only interested because I have red hair, which spoiler alert, is not my natural color. It's REALLY freaking weird for me to say he only liked me for my looks. Because that's not a thing that's happened. I was finally done even trying when after only 3-4 short text convos he asked me what I thought about having his babies. Ummm, if you knew anything about me, I'm NOT forward at all, you don't know anything about me other than (1) I like Pokemon Go, and (2) you saw me one time singing in my car. So I drafted a long text about how I've got a lot going on, which is SUPER true, and how I didn't want to cause drama in the Pokemon Go group - yes, that was a real concern. But he's a nice guy so it's been no big deal, and from the sounds of it while out playing, he's definitely pulling in the ladies, so it's not a thing. And that's the story of the only man in history to ever show interest in me.
THE END.
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